AIBU with BF about finances?

[notagolddigger]

Boyfriend & I do not live together and have no shared expenses. Both BF and I are on salary and paid bimonthly on the opposite weeks, I earn slightly more than BF per annum (£2,000 potentially rising to £4,000 in September). Both BF and I have no fixed expenses individually and are very lucky financially.

As a student (graduated last May), I was really poor and frugal with my money. Last September I landed my “big girl” job and decided I would have a year of guilt free spending without saving (besides a rainy day/emergency fund) and have enjoyed every minute of it.

BF and I went abroad earlier this year and he was very frugal with his money while I was buying things I wanted. He complained about the cost of alcohol (EU city) while I didn’t look at the price with much concern - we were on holiday and budgeted appropriately! Throughout the holiday, he kept checking in and asking how my finances were - we both showed our bank accounts to each other as well as setting up a shared fault on Revolut - and we were honestly more than fine.

So, we are also going on a sun holiday next month and BF is financially stressed. I was very surprised to hear he felt this way, and when I asked why he said he feels he will be okay but is nervous about me!

He once again asked how my finances were and I reassured him they were fine because they are. I asked why he felt nervous and he said I’ve made a lot of big purchases lately - I explained they were budgeted for - and not included in my current finances. To clarify, I don’t make any silly purchases and I don’t go all out on 5 star resorts when I go abroad, but I like to make sure I eat good and dress nice. My recent big purchases were Coldplay tickets as a present for my mum and money towards obtaining drivers license.

BF is from a wealthy family and has more money than I despite me having a higher salary (inherited wealth) but I have never asked BF for money and since we became a couple and we always split things 50/50 or rotate who pays.

BF & I aren’t together a full year yet and the whole talk about money and finances is really starting to suck the fun out of things. I hate having to prove I have money also just because I like to spend money here and there. I’ve spoke about this with my BF and he just disregards it.

AIBU to feel annoyed? I don’t know what to do.

I would be annoyed. Tell him you're a grown up more than capable of managing your own finances, do not need a financial advisor or someone trying to parent your financial activities and will not discuss it with him any further.

as you have no shared expenses or commitments it’s none of his business how you spend your money and I would not entertain ‘proving’ to him that you have sufficient funds.

You don’t have shared bank accounts, so your spending is none of his business.

Have you asked him why he is concerned? Does he know about your "free spend year?"

There could be a genuine concern behind this just worded badly so saying something like.

You have brought up my finances a few times and I struggle to understand what your concern is. Can you voice it so we can have a conversation as at the moment it feelsnlike you are checking up on me and I don't like that".

With no shared financial commitments I would tell him to butt out of my finances. Stop showing him your statements!

You’re a grown up who can manage their own money and it’s up to you how you budget and what you prioritise with your own money.

Brutally though, at less than a year in, if this continued I’d be walking away. It suggests a stingy, financially-controlling future partner. Not good IMO.

Financial compatibility is as important as any other compatibility in a long term relationship. If he’s like this now, how would he behave with joint financial responsibility (eg mortgage, bills, kids)?

I imagine you don’t want a long term relationship with someone constantly checking up on your spending. definitely tell him to back off and if he can’t change, at least you know early on.

YANBU, he has no say in how you spend your money. Sounds like you are mismatched. My DH is a spender, and I’m frugal. It’s caused quite a few issues in our marriage as he will happily blow £100 on a lunch whereas that makes me wince so bad. I know it comes from his personal account not the joint account but he fritters away thousands every year which if saved, would have enabled us to get a bigger house. He just doesn’t see the bigger picture, puts minimum in pensions whereas I want to pay extra into pension and overpay mortgage.

We have different priorities and we muddle through because neither tries to control how the other spends money but in hindsight, I would choose someone with a similar outlook.

Yes! He knows about my spend free year and that it ends in September. I often joke that we won’t be dining like kings and queens as often come September as a gentle reminder.

It was actually my spend free year that encouraged him to start saving for a rainy day and/or emergency as he had never previously saved for either or, and I said this was nuts - even in my guilt free spend yo money era - I still save for both!

I have tried to address it before - and he brought it up last night at dinner - our meal was £100 which we split - and I felt the setting wasn’t really appropriate as there was a table right next to us who could definitely overhear. I instead reassured him I was fine but didn’t disclose any figures with him and feel I shouldn’t have to, he suggested we cut out an activity that was £180 abroad each, an activity he suggested and wants to do, to “save money”. I just said it was up to him and we can make a decision while we’re abroad instead of three weeks beforehand.

Agree with PP who said it doesn't sound like he's a respectful partner due to his controlling nature.

I mean, who TF does he think he is to feel entitled to question your finances ?? And to ask you to produce 'proof' that you 'have money' ??

Have you ever demanded to see HIS bank statements ?

He also sounds extremely stingy and penny pinching too !

Can you not see the potential 'future' with this man ? Him demanding you account for every single penny you spend ? Of your OWN bloody money ?

How hellish would he be if you were on maternity leave ? Expecting YOU to produce 'proof' that you actually DID need to spend £20 on bloody nappies ?

He'd have you on a bloody pittance, and refuse to spend a damn penny more that 'strictly necessary', wouldn't he ? I'd bet that he'd also 'expect' YOU to then go back to work part time (to reduce any 'childcare' costs), yet he'd still be 'insisting' that you HAD to keep paying YOUR 50% of all bills etc !

Fuck no ! Get yourself a new BF, and dump this controlling miser !

I get you like security, but your husband obviously enjoys the present rather than worry about the future. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow and then what's the point of all the money in the bank.

A bigger house just means there's more to clean, and you can only be in one room at once.

Whilst I agree it’s non of his business I can see both sides.

I can also see his concerns. Financial compatibility is a big deal. The first years of a relationship are where you see if you have similar ideals regarding the big things.

Personally, if I were him I would be concerned that our financial views weren’t aligned. Assuming he knows about your year of spending, if I were him I would be waiting until the year was over then contemplating this.

He seems aware that he is wealthier than you and possibly worries that you are spending and getting yourself into problems. You see it a lot where the wealthier one expects the other one to keep up not contemplating how they are financing it.

It really depends on wether he is just checking you are ok or really wanting a lot of information and going on about it.

As for the moaning about the price of things. You have a ‘spend what I like’ year, he is just living his life and is being careful. The price isn’t worrying on because you promises yourself it wouldn’t this year. This time next year when you have other plans for your money maybe you will care about the price of things. You are in 2 different places mentally. You feel he is dragging you down. He feels he is being careful.

It hard to say wether you are compatible because you are living a year that’s not going to be how you live your life.

He does enjoy living in the moment. He is also incredibly generous with family and friends, which is nice but it means we have less.

You’re right about living for today, but I think there is a balance to be had.

I find myself saving more to counter his spending ways, even though he doesn’t want me to.

I’m 24. I relocated home in January and was fortunate to move back in with family, I paid my own way through university and have a student loan (now under £3000) and make repayments on monthly (more than required). My mother agreed as they didn’t pay towards my degree once, I wouldn’t have to contribute anything to the household (they’re mortgage free and I’ve always done on my own food shopping).

BF is 30. His grandfather left him his house when he passed and BF’s parents agreed to pay for all the bills on the provision BF does up the house and applies for the necessary grants. He owns the house, lives there, and is renovating bit by bit. His parents used to rent the house out before he officially owned it (he lived in a different city) and saved the money to essentially put back into the house once BF inherited it.

I would honestly tell him to butt out - it's none of his business. I was married to a financially controlling man for 10 years and it was draining having to justify every penny I spent. You need to either nip this in the bud or get rid of him.

I'm a saver rather than a spender.

If I got hit by a bus tomorrow, then it means my kids will have enough for their futures.

Not sure why saving seems to eb looked down on.

Anyway it seems you are mismatched. See how he is after September but if you still have issues you probably arent right for each other.

Currently I earn £28,500 flat base but I also receive biannual bonuses (£1,000 in total) and commission on top (varies per month). This is due to increase by £2,000 (flat base) in September and again once I receive my next designation. I work in the insurance industry and only started last June after graduating (with a degree in geography!!!)

@Weflewinstyle i think you’re grilling OP a little hard there

His parents pay the utilities (explained why above) and are covering the cost of repair (any paint or tools necessary) so BF is very fortunate. They cover the insurance on the house too. BF also has a company car and everything up to fuel is covered.

We do have fun together and have a lot in common, but the whole wanting to know the ins and outs of my own finances irritates me - if I’m on holiday, I don’t want the person I’m with to check in and see how my money is because I decided to buy a new top and skirt!

Before our last holiday & for this, we both told each other our budget and our emergency fund incase we spent more so we would be on the same page regarding the cost of activities, dining out, etc., so we weren’t blindsiding each other or going over any limits.

He is FULLY aware this is a guilt free spend year where I am simply unhinged, but I do generously save toward an emergency fund and a rainy day fund per month.

Sure, so I went abroad 4 times last year & our sun holiday in August will be my 3rd holiday this year (with one final trip planned for October). Prior to this, I hadn’t left the country since 2018 where I worked with Eurocamp in France! I’ve gone to a festival & around 4/5 different concerts. I’ve explored more in my own country and gone on a couple of staycations. I got two large tattoos that costed a couple of thousand. Also I’ve been doing driving lessons and trying to get my license which costs a pretty penny!

I could never afford new clothes in university and was walking around in shoes that had holes, I often had to stitch a piece up instead of replace it, a lot of the time it was either a new piece of clothes or food for the week (even if from a charity shop). So I decided to buy new clothes - a work wardrobe, weekend, day to day, and evening out clothes - I also bought my first pair of heels (now they’re only river island so nothing overtly fancy)!

I’ve just been good to myself really. There was weeks I’d only have cereal to eat in uni so I feel like I deserve to splurge and not feel strapped and depressed as I did.

Of course I know this is all temporary and not the way I’ll live forever but it sure feels good to live this way for now!!