AIBU with BF about finances?

[notagolddigger]

Boyfriend & I do not live together and have no shared expenses. Both BF and I are on salary and paid bimonthly on the opposite weeks, I earn slightly more than BF per annum (£2,000 potentially rising to £4,000 in September). Both BF and I have no fixed expenses individually and are very lucky financially.

As a student (graduated last May), I was really poor and frugal with my money. Last September I landed my “big girl” job and decided I would have a year of guilt free spending without saving (besides a rainy day/emergency fund) and have enjoyed every minute of it.

BF and I went abroad earlier this year and he was very frugal with his money while I was buying things I wanted. He complained about the cost of alcohol (EU city) while I didn’t look at the price with much concern - we were on holiday and budgeted appropriately! Throughout the holiday, he kept checking in and asking how my finances were - we both showed our bank accounts to each other as well as setting up a shared fault on Revolut - and we were honestly more than fine.

So, we are also going on a sun holiday next month and BF is financially stressed. I was very surprised to hear he felt this way, and when I asked why he said he feels he will be okay but is nervous about me!

He once again asked how my finances were and I reassured him they were fine because they are. I asked why he felt nervous and he said I’ve made a lot of big purchases lately - I explained they were budgeted for - and not included in my current finances. To clarify, I don’t make any silly purchases and I don’t go all out on 5 star resorts when I go abroad, but I like to make sure I eat good and dress nice. My recent big purchases were Coldplay tickets as a present for my mum and money towards obtaining drivers license.

BF is from a wealthy family and has more money than I despite me having a higher salary (inherited wealth) but I have never asked BF for money and since we became a couple and we always split things 50/50 or rotate who pays.

BF & I aren’t together a full year yet and the whole talk about money and finances is really starting to suck the fun out of things. I hate having to prove I have money also just because I like to spend money here and there. I’ve spoke about this with my BF and he just disregards it.

AIBU to feel annoyed? I don’t know what to do.

I’ve managed to repay £5000 off my student loan (under £3000 remains) & I have about £4000 saved in both emergency/rainy day fund. I say I’ve spent £10,000 so far on holidays/clothes etc., & then about £4000/5000 on just living i.e. food shop, phone, gym.

He seems very well sorted financially, whilst you - not so much, you're only OK because you live with your parents. Whilst I agree it's none of his business how you spend your money, he may be (1) concerned about you and (2) concerned about your compatibility and what your future together may look like.

Ultimately, YANBU unreasonable to feel annoyed, but make of that what you will.

Financial compatibility can be a make or break in a relationship, and it’s already cheesing you off.

Why do you think bf is financially anxious? You shouldn’t have to justify your spending habits (which don’t sound too bad).

Regarding the holiday, could you both agree on a holiday budget? Maybe he would feel better if he knows he’s going to spend a set amount, rather than limitless.

BF sounds like he has a cosy home life. Is he wondering that your life won’t be sustainable if you move in together?

28k before tax isn’t a huge amount Guessing you’d clear £1800 2 holidays and few big purchases tbh I’d be thinking where’s the money coming from

on the face of it it just seem as soon as you’ve got money you want to blow it

long term I’d be cautious about a relationship with someone like that

What's his family history with money?

Speaking personally, we were poor all the way up to my teenage years - my siblings never really knew it, so it never affected them, but it's made me absolutely paranoid about ever being in that situation again. If you looked at my family, though, you'd never know we were ever in that situation.

I'm not saying this is where he's come from, more just illustrating the point that there has to be a reason he's being like this, and getting to the bottom of that reason may well solve the problem.

So in response to you & @Gateappreciation, BF is in a very unique situation to own a house outright and have never paid any mortgage. His parents are wealthy and support him financially but always lacked the emotional support side of things, BF says himself they try to buy their children’s love! BF’s parents cook meals for him daily and drop them up to the house so we both have a very heavy parent presence at the moment in both our lives.

My family are not wealthy and it is a 1 income household but they own their house outright and have no debt! I’m 24 and a fresh graduate, up until January, I lived in a different city and paid rent - I suggested moving out recently to BF and he said I should soak being at home for the next while as the rental market is bad at the moment - and he is right, I checked it out and rent has increased but there’s also a big shortage of accomdation in our hometown. BF said I could move in with him but I said it was still too early for this but appreciated the offer.

BF said he never wants to have a mortgage but also won’t live at this house forever. Neither of us want to stay here in our hometown. I said I didn’t want to rent forever and wanted a mortgage. BF made a joke about living in van and travelling and I said I would be up for this but not forever, eventually I would like a home. BF’s 30 and I’m 24 but we’re both equally as lost as each other in terms of where we want to be. BF said the idea of a mortgage scares him as it is a big commitment and I agreed but insisted I still would prefer a mortgage to rent. This conversation was in context to individual goals and mortgages and not joint ones.

We already agreed on a budget for the upcoming holiday & the £180 activity was factored in. It is £795 each for 7 night accomdation & all activites, BF said this was too expensive and suggested we cut out the activity so it would be £615 each. I said it was up to him.

I agree that you need to be financially compatible with someone to have a long term relationship with them but this year is not a standard one for you so it's very hard to tell.

Perhaps he disagrees with you having this year 'off' and doesn't understand it.

It's got nothing to do with him of course, the year of free spending, but maybe he's worried you aren't financially compatible with him.

It sounds like you must have saved a lot prior to uni as well, for your student loan to be under £3,000 now.

And then you say he’s never really had savings before?

It sounds like you both have very different attitudes to money - you’re used to saving, and are now enjoying spending. He’s used to spending and has only just discovered saving.

Maybe he’s expecting you both to love in together and you to contribute sooner than you realise?

Get rid of him as he sounds financially controlling and you're not compatible. Don't show your bank account to anyone you're not married to, it's a massive fraud risk. Change your pins and tighten up your online security details.

No joke. His grandfather brought potato farming to our hometown from Ireland - and employed a lot of the locals in the village. BF’s dad then went onto to inherit it but none of the sons (BF included) wanted to farm so he decided to rent out the land to other local farmers. He buys land every year and rents it out. They turned all profits into more equity and it’s always worked out for them. They had all the land and houses evaluated recently as they’re now transferring some into the sons names & it was in the millions £0,000,000!!!!!!!!!

Fair play - that's a great way to create generational wealth!

So...could it be that he's getting unwelcome pressure from his family because they're all about the money, so he's trying to minimise the appearance of spending in order to shut them up?

It's not really the right way to go about it, but it would qualify as a reason - and one that could easily be solved.

As I said, I'm just hypothesising.

Yes! I took a year out between school & uni to work full time so I could save,,and always worked throughout uni. I got a factory job in my last semester that was paid even better than what I’m on now & was able to pick up evening shifts after uni on top of my weekend work and saved saved saved.

He did ask if I wanted to move in & I said no, it was too soon & we could revisit it next year when we have been together a 1 year +++

We’re your tuition fees the usual £9k? If so it’s very impressive you’ve managed to save over £27,000 plus living costs to nearly pay off your student loans by 24.

BF is the baby. All his siblings are in really high paying jobs bar sister who married wealthy. Parents have funded them all through life & as said tried to buy their love with money. None of them have ever faced any financial pressure and BF dad even makes a joke about how easy they have it being fed with a “gold spoon not silver” - which, they all agree, are thankful for!!

BF has done a million college courses and done nothing with them & that’s not his own fault but purely because they were really niche courses with industries hard to break in to, you can’t just be good but you really have to be the best kind of thing - or you could just know someone (which he doesn’t).

He’s currently upskilling & if he gets a job in his field he will be on twice my salary from Day 1 so he has a lot of potential

I think you sound really sensible. Yes you’re spending lots but also saving and got your student loan down. You budget for your holidays, you’re not just randomly spending. Definitely good to make the most of your time while you have no responsibilities.

But your boyfriend- what does he spend his money on? He’s 30 years old and his parents pay for his bills, doing up the house and insurance. He doesn’t need to buy a car. Why does he not have thousands saved? Why is he worrying about you spending? And wanting to look at your bank accounts.
Definitely not one for the long haul, you’d have to justify every penny. And imagine his ‘stress’ when he has to organise and pay his own bills.

This.

Why on earth at this early stage would you be divulging salary and bank account status to him? Stop oversharing, and tell him once and for all to butt out of your finances.

I would reconsider a relationship with someone so patronizing and inappropriate.

i’m sorry but you need to tread very carefully here. He’s 30 and his mum cooks for him on a daily basis. He doesn’t have to pay rent/mortgage and bills. He’s done a million college courses and is currently upskilling.

it doesn’t actually sound like he has grown up. He’s not living in the real world. Out of interest, who does his washing and cleaning?

This. It's highly unlikely to change for the better.

The way to keep generational wealth is to be paranoid about spending it. Frugality will be a core belief for him.

Hard to shift even if you are factually right, and no reflection on you.

Possibly he will feel poor until he has deposit, school fees or even entire house price sitting in the bank.

If you shift it, you may be downgrading his expectations of future life.

Yes!

I took a year out and saved almost everything I earned and tried to only live on my tips. I had about £18,000-19,000 saved from a full year of work (but I really worked hard and picked up every extra shift going).

I lived off my tips in my first year of Uni & my actual wages covered my rent. £9000 of my savings covered fees.

For second year, my rent was capped by more than half by the landlord because of the pandemic & he often let us live rent free some months as we did the place up (painted it etc..,) & as my course was fully online and recorded, I got a job working in a local shop and picked up a lot of shifts and then did uni work in the evenings. The remainder of my savings covered fees.

Final year was the toughest year because I was probably the most strapped and decided to take out an £8000 loan to cover the cost of fees as I had maybe £4000 in savings. As I had some savings that I knew I would get by ok for rent but would have to frugal and say no to most things & I decided to leave the shop job in December for the factory shop that paid more but was definitely a depressing job.

I never went abroad on friend holidays in uni, never bought new clothes, I might have ate out maybe every six weeks but always brought a lunch & made my own coffee, never bought new clothes and actually spent time repairing old things instead of buying new ones, and if I went out I would make sure I drank before & limit myself to 2/3 drinks out (all hail student deals)

Oops - missed that he has a house already!

Maybe he is replaying to you what he hears at home about his own finances?

I think he might genuinely be concerned about your finances (even if he has no reason or right to!) because he comes from such a wealthy background. There might also be all sorts of pressures on him from his parents since they are bankrolling him at the ripe age of 30.
I think this should be your main concern. How much would his parents be involved in your life should you stay together. The large amount of money in the family could be nice, it could also be a complete nightmare if they use the to control their son and make him, you and any future kids dance to their tune. Look at the family dynamics before you move in with him or make it more serious.

You sound very sorted with finances, as you’ve budgeted and scrimped to get through uni and work hard. You’ve given yourself this year of spending.

Your BF sounds like he’s never had to scrimp because he comes from money, done loads of courses that have led nowhere and at 30 has a bit of a ‘let’s be fancy free and not tied down’ van-life free spirit type personality, which he’s lucky enough to have been able to indulge because he comes from money.

He’s only known you in spending mode, though. Not scrimping mode. So I can see why he might be concerned. I’m not sure quite why it’s getting your hackles up so much? You said yourself that in September it’ll all change, so for now just say you can definitely afford both the holiday and the activity, and don’t worry about it.

Ultimately I think you’re going to be financially incompatible. It’ll be interesting to see how it shakes out when you’re not having a year of free spending.