AIBU with BF about finances?

[notagolddigger]

Boyfriend & I do not live together and have no shared expenses. Both BF and I are on salary and paid bimonthly on the opposite weeks, I earn slightly more than BF per annum (£2,000 potentially rising to £4,000 in September). Both BF and I have no fixed expenses individually and are very lucky financially.

As a student (graduated last May), I was really poor and frugal with my money. Last September I landed my “big girl” job and decided I would have a year of guilt free spending without saving (besides a rainy day/emergency fund) and have enjoyed every minute of it.

BF and I went abroad earlier this year and he was very frugal with his money while I was buying things I wanted. He complained about the cost of alcohol (EU city) while I didn’t look at the price with much concern - we were on holiday and budgeted appropriately! Throughout the holiday, he kept checking in and asking how my finances were - we both showed our bank accounts to each other as well as setting up a shared fault on Revolut - and we were honestly more than fine.

So, we are also going on a sun holiday next month and BF is financially stressed. I was very surprised to hear he felt this way, and when I asked why he said he feels he will be okay but is nervous about me!

He once again asked how my finances were and I reassured him they were fine because they are. I asked why he felt nervous and he said I’ve made a lot of big purchases lately - I explained they were budgeted for - and not included in my current finances. To clarify, I don’t make any silly purchases and I don’t go all out on 5 star resorts when I go abroad, but I like to make sure I eat good and dress nice. My recent big purchases were Coldplay tickets as a present for my mum and money towards obtaining drivers license.

BF is from a wealthy family and has more money than I despite me having a higher salary (inherited wealth) but I have never asked BF for money and since we became a couple and we always split things 50/50 or rotate who pays.

BF & I aren’t together a full year yet and the whole talk about money and finances is really starting to suck the fun out of things. I hate having to prove I have money also just because I like to spend money here and there. I’ve spoke about this with my BF and he just disregards it.

AIBU to feel annoyed? I don’t know what to do.

I'm very jealous of your year of spending OP. I'm not so convinced by the boyfriend though. I think you need to consider carefully whether you are going to be compatible long term.

Firstly OP I think you are bloody amazing.

You worked hard, really hard before Uni and during and you totally deserve to have your splurge year.

BF on the other hand hasn’t had to really work for anything. He’s had everything handed to him on a plate and is very lucky with that.
He’s got a cheek monitoring your spends and lecturing you on what your buying and how much the things cost that you spend your money on.
That would really piss me off.
I think you are financially incompatible and add that to the stifling relationship he has with his parents I don’t think this relationship is ever going to work.

If he's thinking of your future relationship he may be concerned you are more of a spender than a saver and if this is the case you may not be compatible.

Yes. I see it as a sign he is seriously considering the future, which is good.

OP you may need to have gentle discussions with him to work out what income and expenditure levels he plans for himself in the future.

Ooh - a horrible thought. Maybe he wants you secure so you can provide him with the security net his parents are currently offering?

I don't know about all these financially controlling, get rid comments.

If the man is wealthy and 30 years old, it's highly likely that he's been in a relationship in the past where it has fallen apart because he was oblivious to the partners financial status.
Maybe he is just going a bit OTT trying to make sure you are not spending beyond your means just to 'keep up', especially in the current climate.

Only you can know what his motives are, but from what you've explained, and as you are still planning things together that are not necessary spends and the one thing he's actually said no to was something he wanted to do rather than you, he just sounds concerned rather than controlling.

Ooh - a horrible thought. Maybe he wants you secure so you can provide him with the security net his parents are currently offering?

That's a hell of a stretch, particularly given that the assets are being transferred into the sons' names - given the sums already mentioned, and the fact that he already owns the house, it's fairly likely he'll never have to work again if he's careful. And, if he does work, he already has the safety net.

There’s times where we split the bill and he looks to actually divide what we had instead of splitting it down the middle which I always found odd. Even with friends, we all agree to split down the middle rather divide what everyone had unless someone’s been on the wine a bit more! BF & I typically don’t drink while out for meals as he drives and I would fall asleep at the table if I mixed a meal with alcohol so our bills are never really an issue. Again, not completely abnormal, but just a little odd. If we’re in the shop and picking up little things say gum or water (things under £2), I usually always pay for my own because he doesn’t offer, so I’ve stopped offering to pay for his little things in shops too!

BF is ahead of me career wise due to age difference and once he secures a job in his field will be on double my salary. I will return to uni to complete my masters and enter the career I initially wanted to, but I really need some time to just live and be in my 20s instead of grinding 25/8 first! BF knows & understands this, and agrees I’ve all the time in the world to go back to uni - probably because his 20s have been spent in and out of courses.

BF’s aware his salary will always be higher than my own but said he prefers this as he wants to be the main breadwinner. We have had general conversations on joint bank accounts and agreed they’re necessary for shared expenses i.e. mortgage (the he doesn’t want), bills etc., but to still have individual accounts and separate savings unless kids were in the equation. Financially, we are really on the same wavelength about our expectations or at least I think!

However, he knows I am a saver as I encouraged him to start saving. He knows about how I put myself through university and how I did it, it’s not exactly news to him! While we weren’t together during my uni years, we did get together when we both lived in the same city and were completely independent and had no parental involvement whatsoever. As for his parents, personally, I really love them! They’ve been so welcoming and warm towards me and I really get on with all his siblings too. I don’t think he’s necessarily babied but his mother holds a lot of guilt for how she was as a mother when they were kids so is now over compensating.

BF & I discussed travelling together to Asia which is why I will be saving like a storm come September. BF’s brother lives in Dubai and lives a high life on six figures, his wife is a SAHM & I think BF gets a bit envious of it at times. I’ve made BF aware that travelling won’t be cheap & unless we have remote jobs, we more than likely won’t have any steady income if any income at all and won’t be able to freely splash the cash. He seems to understand and is convinced he’ll have a remote job whereas I’m not 100% sure but will be budgeting for that worse case scenario.

BF is adament he doesn’t want to settle here and wants to live abroad. Again, he’s also the same man who speaks about living in a van travelling the world, raising kids in the van, & then spends time talking about how he wishes he was a hunter gatherer. At this point of our relationship, I don’t take any conversations about the future too seriously & wouldn’t bring up moving in together etc., because it is too soon.

Of course, I see him in my future, but I’m not sure where we will be in 5 years as I can’t even tell you where I hope to be individually!

To clarify his family are wealthy, he’s not wealthy - but they do support him financially and allow him to live bill free. He inherited the house from his grandfather but the parents land is actually being split between the two eldest brothers rather my BF. He will inherit some money along with his sister but that’s all that’s been discussed.

His previous relationship was with someone in their early twenties and they lived together but never went abroad or travelled. I think he paid more than she did because he tends to tell people I’m great for paying my own way “unlike the other one”…

I don’t know what his motives are honestly, it makes no sense for him to be this pressed as I am completely transparent with him about everything! I just hate being asked about my own finances as I do feel it’s a personal topic but also my own business.

It sounds as though a disproportionate amount of your mutual conversations are about money, assets, salaries, properties.

Also I'd find this concerning; why does he need to disparage his ex in a dehumanizing way? And why is he (more than once, apparently) telling others about your spending habits? It's all sounding very immature tbh.

I think he paid more than she did because he tends to tell people I’m great for paying my own way “unlike the other one”…

Having read the thread, you've worked damned hard and deserve a good blow out.

Tell him to fuck off.

He's only going to get worse, think about it, he's putting his best foot forward right now. Things will only go downhill. He will control every penny, and how miserable will that be?

It’s rather the opposite! Most of our conversations are lighthearted and never overly serious, and we haven’t had many DMCS together where we over share and cry together about all the hardships we experienced life. Nothing abnormal as we’re still in our honeymoon period & won’t be together a year until November.

Finances are a hot topic whenever we book a trip together. Between trips, he asks how my savings are going & then on the last trip checked in to see how my finances were while away. I understand he’s being cautious but I feel like as we both previously discussed our budgets and made plans, that it doesn’t need to be constantly checked on or questioned and that’s what irritates me. Personally, I hate talking about money - and that could stem from me previously not having any money and being embarrassed, but also because I believe money sometimes gives people a weird notion to power trip “I have more so I’m better” etc., and my BF knows this - and agrees he hates talking about money too eye roll

I just felt a bit annoyed when he asked while out for dinner publicly with a table beside us how my savings were, and when I responded they were fine, he continued to pry into it by asking how much. I answered and said I had £1,000 in my bank account at the moment - was being paid in two weeks - and paid while abroad, so I’m very comfortable with my savings for the holidays. I reiterated where we are going is cheap and we have nothing to worry about, I managed a 10 day holiday there last year with only £900 & was able to buy a fancy perfume, new clothes, and still afford a burger king in the airport on the way home!

Of course, I believe finances should be discussed in long term relationships where bills, mortgages, and even kids are added into the equation - but it is only then when I believe full transparency is completely necessary and not to every degree i.e. savings.

If we go for expensive meals (not often) we always agree to split, but BF has a tendency of checking his bank account and making sure he’s good for the week while at the table. Again, I don’t understand why because he isn’t exactly short of money and if we ever was, he would definitely get a dig out from his parents.

As for the ex, I am a big believer if a man speaks poorly about their ex then run - but his ex girlfriend is a psychopath and I almost didn’t agree to go on a date with my BF because she was his ex. I immediately assumed he was an oddball! She dated one of my work colleagues back in 2016-17, but they split up and she used to stalk him - even while with my BF. We actually had to ban her from the bar we worked in together because she used to try jump in over the counter to get to us and would often fling things in (including glasses). She made up a story she was pregnant and my work colleague forced her to abort but he had all the evidence to show she was lying and didn’t abort because she was never pregnant (she admitted it in text and a friend of hers also confirmed to my work colleague it was a lie). His ex is now dating a man in my street and tends to park her car outside our house despite her new man’s being around the corner. Genuinely it’s a bonkers situation.

Maybe it’s a case if once bitten, twice shy, and he felt used by ex.

However, I’m still cautious about his career prospect. ‘Once he secures a job in his field’. There seems to be a lot of false starts when it comes to his career.

If he is being supported financially by his family (at thirty), what is he spending his money on as he doesn’t appear to have any outgoings. He should have loads saved.

You say you’ve been in this relationship for less than a year. Are we talking weeks, months, almost a year.

They were together for three years so I feel if it was a case he was bitten so often, they wouldn’t of stayed together for as long but he admitted she did breakup with him once she got her own car. I’ve more or less accepted I’ll never know the true story of their relationship and what prompted her to end it, I know firsthand she’s a nightmare from my own dealings with her and work colleague but I only know his version of events when it comes to their relationship specifically.

I’ll be honest, I’m also concious about future job perspectives and when he may actually land this “big” career, since we started dating he has spoken about getting a job within that field but is waiting to finish his masters (finished in September), so September’s a big month for us both to see how true we are on our word i.e. my carefree spending years is officially over, and BF has to start applying for these big career prospects. I have seen BFs projects and were impressed by them, they were definitely things I could never create, but I feel he lacks confidence in his work ability due to setbacks and all the chopping and changing that will definitely be picked up on. He’s 30 and often gets a bit upset he’s not where his other friends are at that age and I just reassure him 30’s still young & there’s no set age to have done or achieved things by but it’s easier to say than believe.

We’ll be together (officially as a couple) a year in November. I never ask where or what he spends his money on but we often joke we’re both expensive habits (which, our relationship is, we usually dine out at least once a week and sometimes twice - typically for a breakfast and maybe a Saturday night takeaway. So about £40 each per week, sometimes more) - again, nothing that will break either of our banks. He does drive but all he has to cover is the fuel (that is later reimbursed) as it is a company car so they cover the insurance. We’re both paid every two weeks so really I’m completely unsure what his money goes on but feel it’s not my business to ask.

This x1000.

Way too much angst and oversharing and futurizing for 8 months. It should be fun and carefree.

If he’s finishing in September, he should start applying for jobs now…

He's six years older than you and earns less than you - with an even bigger gap once you get your pay rise. He's feeling insecure and is trying to make himself feel better by making controlling comments about your finances.

This would be a red flag for me.

Are you sure your degree wasn't in AI tech op? 🤔

Extremely controlling of him.

I think you sound very sensible.
However, you are so young so if you were my daughter I would be bollixing you (kindly) for showing him your finances.

I was about to get married in my late 20's with my own flat before I did this.

This is your private business.

You split things 50/50, so your finances are NONE of his business.

I would be very wary of him being 30 and so enmeshed financially with his parents.

I would recommend you be very wary.
Soon you could have his parents giving their opinions of you.

I wish, I’d be on more money now I say! I did some GIS (Geography Infornation Systems) but no AI. Why do you ask?

I agree to a certain degree but I don’t think he has any time for interviews or interview prep at the moment without making any excuses for him. He’s under immense pressure to get his thesis complete before our sun holiday & works on top so he hasn’t much spare time. I think once he has his masters he will definitely apply (so I hope)

I do agree I shouldn’t be as open about my finances & outgoings with him but I’m too honest for my own good at the best of times. Something I need to work on!

As for him being so emeshed financially with his parents, I do find it a bit odd personally but that’s only because I’ve worked for everything I have since I was 16. I never had any handouts so the idea of having my way paid through life is a bit unimaginable as I haven’t experienced it but BF & family are very appreciative and first to admit they’re privileged.

If I was in his shoes, I’d probably milk it for all I could too - especially if I had an upbringing with no real emotional support or motherly love (I’d consider it compensation for the emotional damage🤣)

I understand your POV but longterm if BF secures a job within his field, he will be on double my salary entry level & it will only continue to grow with the potential of reaching 6 figures down the line. He’s fully aware of this too so I just don’t get why he would feel insecure when he knows this

I’m curious as to know what his field is and if he’s likely to get a job.

What's the rest of your relationship like?

Does he dictate where you go on holiday, and where you eat out etc?

And does he ever treat you - birthdays etc?