AIBU with BF about finances?

[notagolddigger]

Boyfriend & I do not live together and have no shared expenses. Both BF and I are on salary and paid bimonthly on the opposite weeks, I earn slightly more than BF per annum (£2,000 potentially rising to £4,000 in September). Both BF and I have no fixed expenses individually and are very lucky financially.

As a student (graduated last May), I was really poor and frugal with my money. Last September I landed my “big girl” job and decided I would have a year of guilt free spending without saving (besides a rainy day/emergency fund) and have enjoyed every minute of it.

BF and I went abroad earlier this year and he was very frugal with his money while I was buying things I wanted. He complained about the cost of alcohol (EU city) while I didn’t look at the price with much concern - we were on holiday and budgeted appropriately! Throughout the holiday, he kept checking in and asking how my finances were - we both showed our bank accounts to each other as well as setting up a shared fault on Revolut - and we were honestly more than fine.

So, we are also going on a sun holiday next month and BF is financially stressed. I was very surprised to hear he felt this way, and when I asked why he said he feels he will be okay but is nervous about me!

He once again asked how my finances were and I reassured him they were fine because they are. I asked why he felt nervous and he said I’ve made a lot of big purchases lately - I explained they were budgeted for - and not included in my current finances. To clarify, I don’t make any silly purchases and I don’t go all out on 5 star resorts when I go abroad, but I like to make sure I eat good and dress nice. My recent big purchases were Coldplay tickets as a present for my mum and money towards obtaining drivers license.

BF is from a wealthy family and has more money than I despite me having a higher salary (inherited wealth) but I have never asked BF for money and since we became a couple and we always split things 50/50 or rotate who pays.

BF & I aren’t together a full year yet and the whole talk about money and finances is really starting to suck the fun out of things. I hate having to prove I have money also just because I like to spend money here and there. I’ve spoke about this with my BF and he just disregards it.

AIBU to feel annoyed? I don’t know what to do.

I'd tread very carefully OP.

When you look at your comparable worths, he's seems like he would be the more financially savvy. Buy he's not, he's had his wealth gifted and is still leaning very heavily in his parents. You've learnt how to budget and save and worked you bottom off to get where you are.

Despite this, he's the one behaving as though he knows best. Lots of men feel that women are lesser than them, they see them as childlike and expect subservience. He's followed your good example of setting up a rainy day fund so can see that you know how to manage money, yet still manages to try and undermine your spending decisions.

Some definite flags I'm afraid.

His degree is software development and his masters is AI with development, he also did a certificate in game development and can make pretty cool games. A lot of the jobs he’s shown me that he’s interested in have a really good entry level salary & then there’s plenty of room for progression

Overall, it’s fine, we have fun together & get on great.

Usually I say I want to go somewhere & he responds “why not” and that’s how our holidays came about more so.

As for food, I’ll be honest & say I probably get my own way a lot of the time but we do tend to mutually agree on places. He has his places he dislikes that we don’t go to & as do I. I do the whole I’m hungry but unsure for what & then reject all the places he suggests initially, so I’m a pain!

So far we had Christmas - I gifted him but received no gift (but we never discussed giving each other gifts and were relatively “new”), Valentines was ok - we didn’t go out for any fancy meal but did one better (to me) sat in & watched a movie, painted together with wine, but his gift was a made up hamper (not by him) of drugstore bath products & mine was a bit more sentimental & lastly, my birthday (his in Sept) - he tried but I feel like it was still a really mid effort, instead of going out for a meal he bought us a voucher for one & then proceeded to tell me he hasn’t spent this much on a GF ever. He did buy me candles & bits that I would’ve said I liked while we were together but as far as effort goes, the voucher was a total cop out, we only went for the meal this month & my bday was the start of the year!!

I’ll be honest though gift giving is my love language & I always try to go the extra mile and give the best gift. No one in my life really reciprocated that & I have just become accustomed to it, I’d be content with a box of Lindor & fluffy socks - simple things but some people in my life are just really bad gifters i.e. my best friend gifted me a broken picture frame for Christmas (with the tk maxx clearance sticker still on)

It seems like you are really rushing this relationship with OTT gifts and marking of pseudo "milestones " like"our first Christmas" etc.

Is this your first boyfriend?

Before people jump on the gift situation, he is really good for “acts of service” - he brings me cups of tea, if I finish my food he takes my plate, he always brings water before bed and I honestly never have to get up off my arse around him!! I say if he could pee for me he probably would 🤣 he gives me head and back scratches for longer than he really wants to

I am always OTT with gifts. My idea is something they want, something to do together, and something sentimental. Of course these could be big or small things. But I really have always been an OTT gifter, I just love spending money on people who are special to me & I typically start saving for Christmas gifts in January.

He’s not my first boyfriend but it’s been a couple of years since my last relationship

not the topic you’re asking about but I’d be cautious re moving in or any step towards making it a more permanent relationship until he’s managed to get and hold down a real job. He sounds all talk and no action. And frankly I’d have the talk before moving in that I don’t want to live in a van. I want to live in a house. I’m happy to have a mortgage. If you’re going to turn around and say we can’t buy a house then we aren’t compatible. BEFORE moving in with him.

Your boyfriend has done lots of different courses. Now he is saying that if he gets a job after this course he will be on a lot of money. I bet you anything he has said that while he is doing every single one of those courses. They've all come to nothing haven't they?

I really think that he has had it too easy, and his parents have tried to help him, but actually he hasn't grown up, hasn't developed, hasn't got a career and hasn't got anything except a house that's been given to him.

If I were you, I would say don't make any decisions long-term with this man. In five years time, I bet he will have taken another few courses.

Can you tell us the reason that he's given you for each course he's taken not leading to a job?

OP, I have nothing to add to the general discussion but just wanted to tell you that you sound very mature and sensible and I would be very proud of you if you were my daughter. Your parents have done a bang up job raising you.

I've just read most of this thread and all I can think is - run, girl...... run as fast and as far as you can!"

This is NEVER going to work.

I don't like the sound of him. Too many red flags - all of which have been mentioned by PPs. And you are incompatible.

This is a point: maybe it's a sort of attempt to make sure you're not overstretching yourself to keep up with him? Like well meaning but a bit bungled?

Otherwise, it does sound a bit OTT. Worth a chat with him about it, otherwise there's a risk it'll niggle at you on holiday

I don't agree with those saying boyfriend is financially sorted or savvy- he has generational wealth paying for absolutely every aspect of his home. It's a piss take on his part to be commenting on your spending at all. You've made a conscious decision to enjoy yourself for a year, whilst still saving, and you're not in a position where that has any impact on him, so he doesn't get an opinion.

I think you could be right...AKA the everlasting student.

There is absolutely no excuse for him telling her what to do with HER money.

She sounds like a great woman who needs to firm up her boundaries and keep her private business to herself.

She doesn't need ANY bossing her about, about HER finances.

Is this why Mr Billy Big Bollix with the house is with someone 6 years younger?

So he can bullshit her with his big plans?

A 30 year old woman would be quicker enough to realise he's a bullshitter.

Be very wary of him and his big salary projections....manys the woman who has fallen for this line.

Focus on your career and earning well and keep your business to yourself.

I think his nose must be itching but he brought up moving in again & I, of course, said it was too soon and asked did he really think it was appropriate this soon and he said he didn’t really think about these things or the length. He then said he doesn’t expect anyone to live in his house at the moment because it’s a mess so I asked why he wanted me to move in & he said he would’ve cleaned it up before I did move in. The house has a LOT of potential but is falling apart due to the age and some dampness of the building - BF is renovating bit by bit but very slowly (not making excuses but between his work & masters he doesn’t have the time).

I absolutely agree with you! I’d do the whole van life IF I were travelling around another country to save costs but at home, probably not, I’d prefer the comfort of a good bed & fireplace.

When honest with myself, I definitely couldn’t see myself living with BF anytime soon & that includes next year.

Sounds like he has Peter Pan syndrome.

I obviously can’t speak for how I would be if I was 30 but I imagine by that age, I would have a lot more financial responsibilities and probably would want to start thinking about settling down and having kids. So yes, I’d probably be less tolerable of BF’s nosiness in my finances or stories regarding jobs, but at the minute I’m in a less serious stage of my life!

But I do appreciate the advice, I am of course very weary & fear being with an everlasting student (he genuinely only completes courses to upskill because he hasn’t found a job in his field yet) but i’m always concious that he won’t find a job.

BF didn’t have a job until he was 22 & there’s lots of gaps in his employment history, a lot of his employment on CV is very short term (<1) so I feel this along with his lack of experience actually in the field, will probably make it harder for him compared to other candidates. He reached out to a few people on Linkedin and they didn’t actually respond to him so he’s already experienced some set backs.

Thank you, starting my Tuesday off with a big head! My mum is an absolute angel in fairness (I am NC with father) and has always tried her best BUT I am not letting either parent take the credit for how I turned out!

They genuinely couldn’t afford to give me much growing up (father laid off and depression took over his life) & I had no other choice but to get out and get a job if I wanted something. They have made life hell at times re finances & that’s where my own rainey day fund/emergency fund support me.

How I turned out is ALL on me let me tell you!

Absolutely but this is only because they’re mortgage free and have less bills now. Right now I’m fortunate!

I have financially supported myself since I was 16. As soon as I started working I was told I was now responsible for my own food shop, washing, and would need to ask for permission before taking any of their shopping (father not mother). I had a limit on how much I could put into the bins per week (so they wouldn’t go out more often).

If I ever needed a lift outside the one way school run (always had to walk home regardless of the weather), I would have to pay towards fuel and if I didn’t give money towards fuel that week then my “taxi” wasn’t available (only father drives).

I was told I could go on the school holiday but would have to save my own spending money (I was 15 and kept all my birthday money & Chridtmss money) and when it came to paying for the holiday (my parents supposedly saved for), they weren’t able to reach the payment deadline - and despite my school extending it - they said they were now no longer going to pay for it. I felt so humiliated.

I paid for my own prom dress, own graduation, my own degree start to finish, there was weeks in uni where I ate rice krispies for breakfast, lunch & dinner because either parent refused to lend me a £10! LEND, not give!!

I used to think they didn’t have it to give - but I found out my mother inherited money (not a lot but still about £8000-10000) and had £10 to spare in my last year of uni.

Honestly op. It sounds as if finances are going to be an issue with you guys for your whole relationship. He's obviously very financially fixated, for whatever reason, and I don't believe this is going to change. From my experience men like this turn into financial abusers, it starts of small like this; wanting to see how much money you have, trying to make you feel guilty for spending (by telling you it makes them nervous/anxious). I honestly would have a long hard chat about it and lay down some rules. But if he's being like this so soon in the relationship, while your money is separate, what will he be like when you combine your money?
It does waves some pretty big red flags.

For a 24 year old, you are very financially savvy. Full credit to you.

Full credit to bf also for completing his masters after lots of false starts. That does take some doing.

However, there does seem to be far to many excuses - ‘niche course’ ‘difficult to break into’. Is this course any better? Has he networked and started getting the contacts he needs? Is he willing to get a lesser job in the field to gain experience and get the contacts?

Also, his home set up shouts red flags. Does ge do any cooking? Is he able to cook? What happens if you suggest he cooks a romantic meal at home? Ok let me guess, you get a takeaway?

Also, you say the house is messy? Is that messy as in renovation work laying around? Or his clothes, washing up, old toilet rolls? The former us excusable, the latter not. If you move in, is he expecting you to take the toll of his mum? Ie cooking? Cleaning? Because that’s all he’s ever known.

Be careful. I’m sure he’s a lot of fun, and a nice chap, but he’s got potential to be a perpetual student, (home-owning) cocklodger, mummy’s boy. He may just be a late developer, but baybe not.

(sorry, longer than intended)

Well I lived rent free there at the time while 16, and still do. I still do my own food shop, washing, etc., but I now have my money to be able to afford things and not ask for a lend. The set up is the exact same as beforehand, they’re just choosing to continue not charging me rent. I don’t financially rely on them the way a kid or teenager would now as an adult.

I am NC with my father and would get a cab before I’d ask him for a lift, but I’m also fortunate I’m learning how to drive - BF and friends drive (and bring me out to practice) - so I’m never left stuck if I needed to get somewhere.

My father’s nothing short of a bollocks & my own mother was subjected to his torment too. She had to provide for absolutely everyone as the main breadwinner (her salary less than mine) & cover the cost of mine and younger siblings back to school bits, mortgage, household bills etc so she genuinely didn’t have it to give (for the most part) because she wasn’t being financially supported by our father/her husband. For all she did in terms of working hard for everyone else & putting up with the bollocks, she is an angel, and I do try to treat her where I can outside the home.

TDLR: My mum didn’t have it to give because her husband/my father never financially supported her. He’s on benefits & keeps it all to himself, wouldn’t even throw her £40 towards a shop or bills. But this post isn’t about their relationship or my upbringing so I rather not divulge into it any further