To not understand what she’s spending it on

[Idlovetoknow]

It’s my mother. She’s a pensioner and a widow, but she working. She cannot deal with her finances. She’s been on the phone tonight weeping over how much of a dire situation she’s in financially, but I don’t see how.

income from work: £1100 (after tax)
state pension: £800
widows pension: £1600 (think this is after tax too)
private pension: £200/300 (she was wooly on this)
so total income around £3600 a month

No mortgage, no rent, no grounds costs.
council tax £200 a month. Power £150 (let’s say 200 to round up) food and pet food £400, car £450 petrol £100, health insurance £200, phone £50, sky £50, pet insurance £80- that’s £1300 at an absolute max

i don’t understand. She’s not being frauded or taken advantage of, but i don’t understand. I try to talk to her for instance tonight when she rang frantic over money but she gets into such a tizz she can’t tell you anything. I’ve asked for months for all bills and bank statements to go over expenses but she can’t produce them

Anyone any ideas?

I think she just doesn't have a clue as I imagine she spent and your dad provided and planned.

You have to tell her though that you can't help her without information. She should be able to access her accounts online. I don't think she wants you to see them though.

Hi op, I feel the answer is possibly in your posts.

’she won’t let me see her statements’

’she was awful awful awful with money’.

Sounds like overspending. Was it just holidays?

Given what you have said, she seems like she has just never had to look after herself and wants attention. You said she was abusive to your father, she probably misses the dynamic too, she doesn’t get to be the spoiled Abusive child anymore

I also am seeing early red flags for dementia in your responses about your mother OP. My Mother in Law went down a similar route after father in law died, she got fixated on specific things and worried herself into major anxiety attacks over baseless things. She also struggled to find important things, so the fact she can’t produce bank statements or facts to support her concerns sounds like the onset of dementia.

What doesn't stack is why she can't sort out her banking/money but continues to hold down a job where she runs everything.

Be there for your mum as a daughter - show interest in her life etc but I’d advise shutting down conversations over money. Refer her to free financial advice bodies.

You cannot help her budget as clearly shes not prepared to share bank statements. I doubt she’s being truthful about her outgoings or monitoring her spending.
There seems little point being drawn into conversations over money as she doesn’t appear to want your advice.

You could try to press her a bit on this. A friend's father recently passed away, at which point she discovered he'd been sending large sums to her sister for years, to fund a lifestyle sister couldn't afford. Problem was, father couldn't really afford it either and there wasn't much left. Could your brother be twisting the thumbscrews? Have you spoken to him about your mum's worries?

On the other hand, you could just... Let her get on with it. You sound like you find your mum difficult, and you're not obliged to help her sort this out. She's not in danger of being homeless and it sounds like bills are being paid. What happens if you stop trying to sort it and just say, "hmm sounds tough," and change the subject? (My guess is she might find something else to fret about so this isn't about money at all.)

It’s the effort, she just doesn’t want to shop around she’d rather bury her head in the sand and it’s the same with money.

she’s better now but she’s always been like this, you got her the wrong thing for x mas and she’d flip out and not talk to you or get very nasty. You had to buy all her x mas list etc

she might be lonely she fell out with a friend last week because a family friend (of the friend) died so said friend had to rearrange their plans. Without divulging too much, I was the ‘evil’ child growing up, the golden one is Walter Mitty and will only talk to you if you’ve got something to offer him, so he doesn’t engage with her unless he wants something. I do try my best but it’s actually very difficult with her, it always ends up my fault somehow

Op the more you post replies the more I think the real problem is deeply entrenched dysfunction here. I've never suggested this on Mumsnet but have you ever considered therapy instead of spending time trawling through her bank statements with her impeding you?

This is not a genuine "old widow struggling for money" situation and I think you need perspective.

My advice is this:

Tell her you will need to see her investments alongside ongoing and outgoings.

If she doesn't show you, then you can't help her and she has to stop ringing you up to sob.

Btw, my Mother disclosed her savings and had 2.5M in assets and savings. She enjoyed gaslighting everyone into believing she was the poor widow.

I am out the will but by Christ, it's worth every penny just to be rid of her.

I agree. Something doesn't seem right.

She’s doesn’t run a company, no no, it’s a sales job and she’s got the relationships because she’s been there for ages. She just chats to regular customers basically and because she’s been there the longest everyone knows her

My guess is she's just frittered money if not used to budgeting. Easy to spend £500 + a month on lots of £50 purchases that really mount up.

This.
I hadnt seen your post about the crazy number of flashy 5* holidays a year when I posted, that's probably where it's all going! Does she have expensive taste in clothes too?

The crying wolf stuff sounds dysfunctional though. You need to either be firm and risk falling out or step back and stay out of it.

In this case, I would tell her to quit the hysterics unless she is willing to help you to help her.

My Dad I think is starting with dementia. He's started stressing horribly over money, constantly going over his bank statements and quizzing my Mum on every transaction Telling her she is spending all his money (she isnt), he's running out of money (he isnt). Everyone is out to rip him off (they aren't). My poor mum is having an awful time of it.

Are you sure this isn't the case with your Mum?

It’s definitely not a poor widow situation as she gets the salary of someone earning more than 50k. Some of the issue will be it’s less than when my dad was alive and less than when he was working… then I think it was £7k easily

there is some real dysfunction, you’re right that simple visiting her won’t solve. She wants someone to do everything for her, and manage everything and reap the rewards and have someone to blame when it all goes wrong- but I feel harsh. CoL has hit my family hard too , especially mortgages, I just feel terrible when someone is sobbing, even if I don’t know them

Given she was used to 4/5 holidays a year and flying first class, I suspect her version of poor is that she can no longer afford the holidays (let alone first class flights).

She probably does have a decent amount of money spare each month, from a sensible persons pov. But not from her pov, particularly as your parents were able to afford a nice lifestyle without going into debt.

OP on reading all your updates.... she doesn't deserve your help.

She basically sounds like a toddler having tantrum and not a good Mother to you either.

Honestly let her sort herself out and concentrate on your own family.

im pretty sure it’s not the case, I see her every week and she definitely isn’t going over her bank statements and examining it line by line (sounds so tough for your mum) she just buries her head in the sand with these things, ignores letters about investment maturity. Losts thousands from her parents estate because she couldn’t bring herself to do probate etc

Maybe, she’s only been on 1 or 2 this year I think, that’s probably it.

she’s been on at me to go away again in September with her but I can’t afford it

So it sounds like you know what the issue is op. Is this more about your relationship with her?

She’s manipulating you op with her poor me act. You need to distance yourself

Yes! Not labels like ysl and Gucci but she likes the sort of boutique brands like masai and Boden style sorts of things. When I was at home from uni, she’d buy something new every day.

she used to love jewellery too, any end up buying lots from the tv channels