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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand what she’s spending it on

516 replies

Idlovetoknow · 29/07/2023 21:58

It’s my mother. She’s a pensioner and a widow, but she working. She cannot deal with her finances. She’s been on the phone tonight weeping over how much of a dire situation she’s in financially, but I don’t see how.

income from work: £1100 (after tax)
state pension: £800
widows pension: £1600 (think this is after tax too)
private pension: £200/300 (she was wooly on this)
so total income around £3600 a month

No mortgage, no rent, no grounds costs.
council tax £200 a month. Power £150 (let’s say 200 to round up) food and pet food £400, car £450 petrol £100, health insurance £200, phone £50, sky £50, pet insurance £80- that’s £1300 at an absolute max

i don’t understand. She’s not being frauded or taken advantage of, but i don’t understand. I try to talk to her for instance tonight when she rang frantic over money but she gets into such a tizz she can’t tell you anything. I’ve asked for months for all bills and bank statements to go over expenses but she can’t produce them

Anyone any ideas?

OP posts:
CountTo10 · 29/07/2023 22:25

LividHot · 29/07/2023 22:02

She’s raking it in!!!

Is she perhaps one of these who frets if her savings go below £300k or something?

That was my first thought to be honest. My sister found out my parents had £30000 just sitting in their current account (they have savings accounts too it's not their only lump sum. My Mum had a near panic attack when my sister tried to get them to move the majority of it into a savings account. She kept saying 'but I need it there to do my shoping'. She shops for her and my Dad once a day at the corner shop and she just couldn't grasp that she didn't need £30000 in a current account to do that bearing in mind all their pensions are paid in to it on a monthly basis.

My friend's Mum had a complete tizz after her husband died that she could only put £500 a month into the savings account rather than the usual £800.

FictionalCharacter · 29/07/2023 22:25

She has more coming in than I do working full time, and I used to think my job was well paid until MN!

The clue is that she "can't" produce bills and bank statements, i.e she won't. Of course she could get them, she's a working person not a 90 year old who doesn't understand tech, and if she won't do online banking she can pick up the phone and ask the bank for paper copies of her statements.

She doesn't want to show you her bills and statements because she doesn't want you to know how much money she has and what she's spending it on.

Either she's extremely extravagant and has higher outgoings than her income, or she's doing just fine yet feels "poor" because she only has a few thousand in her current account and a few hundred k of savings. Either way she wants you to magic up a way for her to have more money.

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 22:25

Notamum12345577 · 29/07/2023 22:24

My industry still gives final salary pensions to new starters (probably not all roles, but a lot), so I don’t think I will ever leave 😁

Ooh lucky you.

Mind if I ask what industry? I’ve late teen sons who might want to give it a go.

watersprites · 29/07/2023 22:25

@MutantTurtles what do they spend it on?

JudgeRudy · 29/07/2023 22:28

I think you're going to have to he tough here. If she refuses to tell you exactly what the problem is be firm. Tell her "Mum, we've been through this already. I've offered to help but you won't tell me what's happened or let me look at your finances. Without this information I can't help so it's futile you wailing about it"

Just a thought but could she be the victim of a scam? Either some ficticious get rich quick scheme, or a romance scam with a 'widowed marine/oil rig worker/real estatetor'. Even the most intelligent of people aren't immune to a bit of flattery, particularly if they're lonely. You said she's a widow. Is this possible?

NoSquirrels · 29/07/2023 22:29

When she’s weeping over what a dire situation financially she’s in, what exactly does she say? Does she say she can’t afford to pay her bills? Or what?

JudgeRinderonTinder · 29/07/2023 22:30

Is she being scammed or anything? Would she send anyone money online? Can you sit down with her and go through her finances?

MySoCalledWife · 29/07/2023 22:32

Internet lover?

it happens…

Idlovetoknow · 29/07/2023 22:33

RosesAndHellebores · 29/07/2023 22:22

OK. If her salary is net, it's likely she's paying at about 25% on the rest of her income so the net amount is likely to be closer to £3125.

Outgoings assuming one cat

I think some of your estimates may be low

Council tax: 300 more than est
Utilities 250 more
Human food 200 slightly less
Pet food 100 ?
Pet insurance 80
Car 450 (incl ins. Servicing?)
Petrol 100 ?
Health insurance 250 more
Sky 50 toppy
Phone 50 toppy
Netflix? 13
House insurance 80
Lunch at work 100
Birthday presents/Xmas 150
Socialising? 100
Hair/clothes/make-up 150
Holidays 250
House maint/repl White goods: 200?
Misc weekly spends £150

That adds up to £2485. Possibly not as flush as you think but still able to save £500/£600 pcm.

The other thought op is whether this could be a genuine early manifestation of dementia.

Her salary is after tax as his df’s pension

her council tax isn’t that high, it’s £200 with single occupancy
gas and electric is £150 - I fixed it for her
car includes everything
she barely drives - her pcp honestly it 10k miles max over 3 years.
no lunch at work,

i don’t think it’s dementia, she’s never really understood Money and always got frantic over it. I recall going to get her new car (she needs a new one every 3 years) she wanted a new convertible and it was £600 a month and she broke down in tears in the office because she always dreamed of this (luxury car) and really wanted it. I recall explaining to her well, then take 3 holidays this year but she decided against it but she just didn’t understand how the pcp worked and I had to talk her down from chucking £10k at it

OP posts:
InOtherWords · 29/07/2023 22:33

She just goes off on one and everytine she visits she forgets, she lives far away so it’s quite hard to just get up and go to her house to go through it, plus it’s actually really emotionally hard for me to be there since my father passed

Op - is she maybe crying for help without wanting to ask?
It does seem like a physical visit would be better.
Does she have any local support?

SmileyClare · 29/07/2023 22:33

Refer her to MoneyHelper (free financial advice service) they can help with budgeting , advice and listen to her concerns.

Make an effort to visit her. It sounds as though she’s struggling with the loss of your dad and anxious about having to live independently without him. It’s a daunting prospect after a long marriage.

Idlovetoknow · 29/07/2023 22:37

NoSquirrels · 29/07/2023 22:29

When she’s weeping over what a dire situation financially she’s in, what exactly does she say? Does she say she can’t afford to pay her bills? Or what?

She said she was £400 short this month and then said she was on the verge of a mental breakdown

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 29/07/2023 22:37

Another thought. Is she perhaps tired and wanting to give up work and trying to face up to tightening her belt. She will have to cut spending by about £400pcm if she gives up work.

SleepPrettyDarling · 29/07/2023 22:37

If she’s a pensioner but working, I assume she’s late 60s?

Have you discussed with her Power of Attorney?

TurnerP · 29/07/2023 22:39

MySoCalledWife · 29/07/2023 22:32

Internet lover?

it happens…

Yes, is it possible that she has been the victim of a romance scam? She has sent money to help "hospital fees" etc
Or, could she be embarrassed to share her bank statements as she has been a victim of an internet/phone scam where they have accessed her bank account remotely?
Or, does anyone visit her home that could be stealing from her?

RosesAndHellebores · 29/07/2023 22:40

@Idlovetoknow your words "it's really emotionally difficult for me to be at the house without my dad there" somewhat resonate.

May I gently venture that your mother may be struggling there, emotionally, alone.

Idlovetoknow · 29/07/2023 22:41

InOtherWords · 29/07/2023 22:33

She just goes off on one and everytine she visits she forgets, she lives far away so it’s quite hard to just get up and go to her house to go through it, plus it’s actually really emotionally hard for me to be there since my father passed

Op - is she maybe crying for help without wanting to ask?
It does seem like a physical visit would be better.
Does she have any local support?

No she asks for help but what she wants is unrealistic, give me financial advise etc.

i live quite far away so I can’t just go around here and there, I’ve been around but with 2 young kids and I work some weekends, it takes some planning and she says she prefers it here. Her house isn’t baby proofed either so it’s quite dangerous for my kids, plus it makes no difference she has no idea where she’s put everything

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 29/07/2023 22:41

AgeUK are an excellent charity you or your mum can turn to for free financial advice, support when widowed and supporting people struggling to navigate household finances after bereavement.

Leftbutcameback · 29/07/2023 22:41

If she won’t show you her bank statements, there is nothing you can do. It doesn’t make any sense with the income and outgoings you’ve listed. I wonder if she maybe has a savings standing order set up, and most of her income goes on that. So what’s in her current account might not be enough. And she thinks she shouldn’t use her savings or change the amounts. But no one here can help, and you can’t help, unless you see the statements.

Ourladycheesusedatum · 29/07/2023 22:42

I have literally just been through this with a relative.

First she was paying silly sums for things like storage of house deeds £50 a month.
Boiler cover for a 50 yr old boiler that actually wasnt covered if you looked into it.
TV service and internet ( I think virgin) when she rarely watched TV and had no way of using the internet.
Oh I dont remember all the stupid things she was throwing money at.
I saved her well over £500 a month when she finally let me look ( this took 7 years) I got refunds where I could.
Sorry to say she is now in a home. Alzheimer's.
She could tell you I borrowed a tenner on 12 August 1986, but she couldn't see that house deed storage was overpriced and a con.

Ohmylovejune · 29/07/2023 22:43

My Dad's got nothing like your Mum but he has enough each month but as he gets older hes getting obsessed with what hes got and checks his online bank a few times daily. He gave me hardly anything for my birthday (the amount I don't mind but its out of his old character).

You need to see her statements or online account when you next visit. Find out what's going on and if there's a problem sort it, if not give her reassurance - which might or might not work!

Velvian · 29/07/2023 22:43

She shouldn't need to have a car on finance if she has savings, that's just silly. £450 per month is a lot.

Idlovetoknow · 29/07/2023 22:44

RosesAndHellebores · 29/07/2023 22:40

@Idlovetoknow your words "it's really emotionally difficult for me to be at the house without my dad there" somewhat resonate.

May I gently venture that your mother may be struggling there, emotionally, alone.

I’m not sure, they didn’t have a pleasant marriage, in truth she was quite abusive and tried to avoid him at all costs. He did bring in a big income though I think she’s mourning that loss, truthfully she didn’t need to plan anything before, they had enough money for her to live frivolously

OP posts:
Idlovetoknow · 29/07/2023 22:45

Velvian · 29/07/2023 22:43

She shouldn't need to have a car on finance if she has savings, that's just silly. £450 per month is a lot.

It’s on pcp so she trades it in every 3 years to get the latest luxe model

OP posts: