To not understand what she’s spending it on

[Idlovetoknow]

It’s my mother. She’s a pensioner and a widow, but she working. She cannot deal with her finances. She’s been on the phone tonight weeping over how much of a dire situation she’s in financially, but I don’t see how.

income from work: £1100 (after tax)
state pension: £800
widows pension: £1600 (think this is after tax too)
private pension: £200/300 (she was wooly on this)
so total income around £3600 a month

No mortgage, no rent, no grounds costs.
council tax £200 a month. Power £150 (let’s say 200 to round up) food and pet food £400, car £450 petrol £100, health insurance £200, phone £50, sky £50, pet insurance £80- that’s £1300 at an absolute max

i don’t understand. She’s not being frauded or taken advantage of, but i don’t understand. I try to talk to her for instance tonight when she rang frantic over money but she gets into such a tizz she can’t tell you anything. I’ve asked for months for all bills and bank statements to go over expenses but she can’t produce them

Anyone any ideas?

Apologies it must be included as you’ve said. Make sure she’s actually taking it to be done though! The dealer will send a reminder I think.

And apologies re the work question, cross posted I see the min. Wage and Financial Advisor comments now! Thoughts with you x

It is because I had a pcp car from the same garage and I didn’t need a service for the first 2 years because I bought the car at 1 yr old. After that it’s every 10k miles so the service gets done when the car is returned.

i have no idea how the annual leave thing or the sick leave thing worked because she’s off work 2 weeks with a cold, I think it’s all discretionary because of the size of the company (tiny)

oh and also she won’t go on online banking, point blank refuses. She has a premier account and she’s top priority in the phone banking queue so she never has to wait, so won’t do it

Is she definitely still working? The erratic work pattern , leave, sudden financial concerns might suggest not.

Ah- mine’s 12 months or 10k whichever comes first. Not heard of 2 years before for a first service but I’m in a non luxury brand! Sorry I’ve focused on this when she didn’t speak to you because you couldn’t give financial advice- nightmare for you.

I don’t need to give my head a wobble ta, I’m very aware that any sensible person could very easily live on what she has. I don’t spend 3k a month and I spent the best part of 1k on childcare a month. I also find it really insensitive

She sounds like she has anxiety. Stop being soft and tell her to either produce the evidence or to shut up about it when there are people actually struggling.

from what I recall it’s after 3 years but I no longer have said car haha. The reason she has a sports car baffles me because she barely leaves 3rd gear and doesn’t drive not really, after the 3 years it’s every year of 10k miles

it Is just really baffling so I’m a bit like you really, going over things that don’t make sense but it’s like talking to a wall tbh with her

Yeah she is

doubt about the alcohol, when she stays with me she doesn’t touch a drop and is fine, so I really doubt it

but the first part re tax on pensions, perhaps this is it. But I don’t understand enough of it myself

The only way to sort it is to pin her down and go through her finances. She co operates or shuts up . Ideally set up internet banking so you can log in monthly to check everything is running smoothly.
I think one of the better ideas is you takeover her finances and give her an allowance.

It sounds like there needs to be a tough love conversation.

Next time you go to see her, tell her that you need to see her bank statements then and there. If she refuses, then tell her that's fine but she cannot ring you and complain about being broke. That you are trying to help her but if she won't be transparent then the subject is closed and you don't want to hear anything more about it.

If she does decide to share some statements, it would also be worth doing a Clearscore report on her to check her credit profile and whether she has any debt there.

Maybe she's struggling to adjust to not being able to afford what she could when your DF was alive?

If she can no longer afford to have the same holidays etc it might feel like a big change for her.

Also did your DF take charge of the finances when he was around? It might be that she is still signed up to things she no longer needs if your DF was the one organising the bills etc.

Is she actuallynsteuggling or does she just think she is? My Dad left my Mum very well provided for. She would panic about buying some tights or knickers she needed "in case inrun out of money". Completely unable to think 7 figures minus 5.99 = still a lot!

I’ve asked for months for all bills and bank statements to go over expenses but she can’t produce them

You can't help her until she does. At least the bank statements. If she's lost or thrown away, she can get copies, or even better, get her onto online banking so you can see on the screen what's going on.

I suspect she's doing something that she's embarrassed about, such as an addiction, such as gambling, alcohol, etc., so she's choosing not to give you documents etc.

If she's genuinely not spending on an addiction, etc., then you need bank statements to see where the money's going - there could be fraud involved or lots of long forgotten standing orders, or monies being squirrelled away into savings accounts etc that she's forgotten about.

The bank statements will tell you exactly what's going on. They'll show the monies being paid in from all those sources and where the money is being paid out to. You'll make no progress at all without them.

if she is working and receiving pension it will affect her tax, perhaps that is the issue.
or she is struggling to come to terms with less in her bank

She seems to think she’d being taxed at 50% on all earnings now, so not being a higher rate tax payer but literally 50% of pay pack taken away

Well HMRC have been known to cock up.

I pay an accountant to keep us on track. With pensions, investments, shares its peace of mind.

I'd just keep repeating that unless she brings her bank statements TO YOU and you sit down with her and itemise her income and expenditure, you cannot do anything to help her!

@Idlovetoknow This sounds a bit like my Mother, basically she wanted me to adult for her and I did for a long time. I did the research so she could invest her money and not have to work but she never took the advice. In the end I stopped doing the research and just nodded and smiled to the despair but for many other reasons in the end I had to go NC for my mental wellbeing. I have a Walter Mitty type brother too, who in his 40s still lives with our Mother. She would complain to me about him and I would again offer advice and solutions but it all fell on deaf ears. Burying her head in the sand is exactly how I would describe my Mother's behaviour and you know what I realised after way too long, you can't help someone who can't or won't help themselves. You can't rescue your Mother from her woes and you will drive yourself potty trying. Distance yourself by not actively trying to help. Make all the right sounds when she complains but then forget it afterwards. You have your life to live and your family to look after, don't take on your Mother's stress. If there is one thing I am determined to do it is not ask of my son any of the things my Mother asked of me. Good luck.

A lot of people on here are worrying about dementia, does she repeat herself constantly. DMil was fixated on the weather and she'd say things like it's hot today isn't it about every 5 minutes.

The other thing I thought of is that she might just be lonely and her telling you this means you spend more time talking to her. Can you visit her for a weekend or have her come to you.

I don't think a lady of this age used to a nice lifestyle is buying £3 bottles of wine, LOL.

I'm not a big drinker, but I can't stand cheap wine, so if I do buy it, I spend £20ish on a bottle. Someone could easily spend hundreds a month on wine if they had a glass or two most days.

When my FIL died my MIL donated some money to a charity in his memory. After she died a few years later I couldn't work out where a lot of money had gone until I checked her post. Every day there were letters from charities asking for money. Some had pictures of children on the envelope and said "I will die unless you help!"

There was a lot of money I couldn't account for, but I'm sure it went to these organisations. Check your mother isn't being fleeced by so called charitites!

In that case she could easily call them and ask them to send her paper copies of the statements that she "can't" produce to show you.

She doesn't want you to see them because she doesn't want you to know what she's spending on / how much cash she's sitting on. She just wants to moan, and for you to magically produce more money for her to spend on her lavish lifestyle or pile up in savings.

The "getting in a tizzy" and going off on one when you question her are working very well to keep you in the dark about her finances while still allowing her to do the woe is me act.