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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think reins are a good idea

176 replies

Carole84 · 29/07/2023 16:26

Ok backpack reins for a one year old yes or no?
my one year old is very active, was an early Walker. Is hard to keep in place unless strapped in buggy - it’s great he loves to walk so much so I don’t want to encourage buggy when he’s happy to walk. (Also my 6 year old neice still
uses buggy because she complains about walking so I don’t want to make it a habit when he’s happy to walk every where - ) I would still hold hands crossing road etc. and reins are easier for me but are there pros for my toddler other than just making my life easier?!

OP posts:
scrantonelectriccity · 29/07/2023 18:03

Yes absolutely get some! My toddler was always great at holding my hand and sticking next to me when walking until the other week when she ran so fast away from me and into the road (thankfully a stranger managed to grab her first as I was running after her holding DD2)

Now she wears the backpack reins every time we go out

Jadeypie · 29/07/2023 18:06

Reins are perfect with a active toddler! Exspecially in busy environments and by roads. My toddler will hold your hand but he also likes to feel independent and it's a way to learn him he can walk independently without doing a runner down the street (he can motor 🤣) it also keeps my anxiety at bay knowing he's safe. Am sure when he's ready and understands roads better ECT we won't need them. But in the meantime they work great he loves putting his little backpack on and likes to put his trains in to bring them on a walk too! He's a nightmare in a buggy so it's easier for us all round if he walks x

Danikm151 · 29/07/2023 18:08

My son has backback reins that turn him into a dragon 😁 and are a handy place to hold toy cars.
He’s a bolter and we live in a very built up area with people who park and drive like idiots. We hold hands for crossing roads but reins are great when you’ve got to get the bus to places so are waiting by busy roads.

when he was smaller we had the harness reins that had d clips that could hook onto the pushcart harness in and out was easy

DinnaeFashYersel · 29/07/2023 18:09

@OneMoreCookieMonster

What a very silly thing to judge another parent about.

It's a different approach to road safety.

Very silly.

onthisoccasion · 29/07/2023 18:13

OneMoreCookieMonster · 29/07/2023 17:01

Here I go againist the grain again. I refuse to put a child in reins. I think it's demeaning and doesn't teach them anything at all. When my eldest was a tot if he bolted it was straight in the stroller and if I could, it would be straight home again. They are unnecessary. No child or parent needs them. Same with a dummy. (Which I have used with both of mine.) In my mind, it's another tool for lazy parenting. I'm not saying Im the perfect parent, far from it in fact.

Would I silently judge a parent using them? Would I feel sorry for the child? Absolutely. But I would never say anything. It ultimately comes down to, your child, your choice. Nothing anyone says can change that so I don't. And, if you're honest enough we all judge other parents and their parenting choices. I'm just able to admit it. Because it's not right for me or I don't believe in their use doesn't mean others can't see their value.

I really don't understand this way of thinking at all. I don't think 18-24 month olds are truly capable of understanding causal relationships between action and consequence. I also personally don't feel forcing a child into a buggy teaches them anything - certainly not compared to allowing the small amount of freedom that reins offer. And what if it isn't convenient to take a buggy out? Reins fit in bag and can be whipped out for busy areas as needed.

My personal experience of having (what I now know to be an autistic and ADHD) toddler who could bolt and had (has!) terrible impulse control, reins were fantastic. Especially when I was heavily pregnant with baby no2 and incapacitated with SPD. Thankfully I give no shits about the judgemental fuckers. Just as well as my child has additional needs.

I wore reins as a toddler in the 80s, and actually remember being upset when my mum said I'd got too big for them. Loved them!

As for the people who say it's like a dog, never have I heard a weaker or more meaningless argument against a safety measure. But then, many people are very, very dim.

Blossomandbee · 29/07/2023 18:13

I always used them, I can't see the issue at all. It only takes a split second for a little hand to slip out of yours. It was also easier when walking with my toddler a baby also in a carrier.
I'd rather see a few judgey looks from the narrow minded than see my child go under the wheel of a car!

TidyDancer · 29/07/2023 18:35

OneMoreCookieMonster · 29/07/2023 17:01

Here I go againist the grain again. I refuse to put a child in reins. I think it's demeaning and doesn't teach them anything at all. When my eldest was a tot if he bolted it was straight in the stroller and if I could, it would be straight home again. They are unnecessary. No child or parent needs them. Same with a dummy. (Which I have used with both of mine.) In my mind, it's another tool for lazy parenting. I'm not saying Im the perfect parent, far from it in fact.

Would I silently judge a parent using them? Would I feel sorry for the child? Absolutely. But I would never say anything. It ultimately comes down to, your child, your choice. Nothing anyone says can change that so I don't. And, if you're honest enough we all judge other parents and their parenting choices. I'm just able to admit it. Because it's not right for me or I don't believe in their use doesn't mean others can't see their value.

OP please ignore this post. It is all kinds of wrong.

There's a bizarre anti-reins attitude amongst some but no one who has ever heard MrsPresley's story on here would dare say something as ridiculous as the above post.

I haven't tagged MrsPresley as I'm not sure if she's still on here and she may not want this brought up time and time again but Google search her username and Mumsnet and you'll see her heartbreaking account of why reins are so valuable and sometimes entirely necessary.

There is little doubt in my mind that her story and the retelling of it on MN has very likely saved lives.

Plumbear2 · 29/07/2023 18:59

Stichintime · 29/07/2023 16:37

I dislike reins, as I think it's important teach children to walk holding hands. If they refuse or keep pulling, it's buggy time. This is just on the street, not in the park etc!

My kids had reins, they still learnt to hold hands. I would prefer my child to be safe. My kids are adult and teenagers now, funnily enough they can walk independently now even tho they used reins

Purpleboat · 29/07/2023 19:34

Actually the dog lead references just took me straight back to when I had DC1 in them. I had a particularly snobby ‘friend’ who made comments about my DC1 being like a dog, loving the toys with the squeakers (dog toys) and reins (dog lead as she used to refer to them). She exclaimed that her DC wasn’t a dog and wouldn’t have either. The funniest thing was that her DC from the age of about 24-36 months pretended to be a dog, sniffing, panting, barking all the time, everywhere they went. Oh the irony! I’m not going to say people shouldn’t judge, it’s a part of human nature for many of us, but the kindest way to judge is in your own head (or anonymously on mumsnet) you then don’t end up with egg on your face when something like this inevitably happens.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 29/07/2023 19:43

switswoo81 · 29/07/2023 17:14

But what happens if the first time they bolt they bolt under a truck.

Show quote history

Well clearly they've learnt a lesson then.

To answer this seriously I would not have put my child in a situation where they were able to do this if I didn't trust that they would not listen or stay put. Trust me, I've had to leg it several times after him when he was little but that was because I the parent didn't assess the situation properly or keep hold of him like I should have. That's down to me. He was a toddler and they can be unpredictable. Life is a risk assessment. In those instances I didn't do what I should have. It's a simple exercise in responsibility and accountability. And as I've said. Just because I don't agree with it or see their value, others will. Up to the parent to decide

110APiccadilly · 29/07/2023 19:45

I've found they're one of those things we have and barely use but my toddler is happy to hold a hand and always has been. If DD2 turns out to be a bolter, I'll happily put them on her!

MaxiPadd · 29/07/2023 19:47

Stichintime · 29/07/2023 16:37

I dislike reins, as I think it's important teach children to walk holding hands. If they refuse or keep pulling, it's buggy time. This is just on the street, not in the park etc!

I still taught my DC to hold hands and the rest, backpack reins were a safety net for when that failed - toddlers are unpredictable and it takes time to learn about risks

OneMoreCookieMonster · 29/07/2023 19:50

Nagado · 29/07/2023 17:28

I think it's demeaning and doesn't teach them anything at all. When my eldest was a tot if he bolted it was straight in the stroller and if I could, it would be straight home again. They are unnecessary. No child or parent needs them

Isn’t it lucky you managed to grab hold of your eldest before he bolted into a busy road each time? I think you’re confusing that luck with superior parenting skills.

Reins aren’t there to teach toddlers anything, in the same way that safety gates aren’t going to teach them anything about climbing the stairs. Did you worry about your DC feeling demeaned because you didn’t trust their acrobatic skills?

Never once did I say he bolted for the road. I would not have put him in a situation where that would have happened.

Also to clarify, mine was out a stroller at 2. I didn't need to restrain him from bolting into the road.

Ans to the other pp. My parenting skills are better than some but not as great as others. I'm not perfect no one is.

Oh I also didn't use safety gates. Why ruin the aesthetic of my house? I didn't use them because again he was taught how to use stairs, to stay away from them etc. It's exhausting having to redirect and actually teach your child general safety while actively parenting.

MaxiPadd · 29/07/2023 19:52

The backpack was a nice addition anyway- DC carried their cuddly toy around in it like it was a backpack carrier proudly

Berklilly · 29/07/2023 19:57

I don't like them, but we are about to get some for our 1 yo.
Most people I know dislike them either because they look too much like a dog leash and are seen are restraining freedom, or because they want their kid to obey them so it's either holding hands or pushchair.
I'm a bit of both, I would rather my child hold my hand like I'm asking him to, and I think they look like a dog leash. But at the end of the day he is asking to walk in the streets and I want to encourage him to walk, but he has a tendency to run off and that's dangerous so we need a solution. We will still make him hold our hands or the side of the pushchair, the reins will be for peace of mind when in the street or busy places.

Fatat40 · 29/07/2023 20:03

OneMoreCookieMonster · 29/07/2023 17:01

Here I go againist the grain again. I refuse to put a child in reins. I think it's demeaning and doesn't teach them anything at all. When my eldest was a tot if he bolted it was straight in the stroller and if I could, it would be straight home again. They are unnecessary. No child or parent needs them. Same with a dummy. (Which I have used with both of mine.) In my mind, it's another tool for lazy parenting. I'm not saying Im the perfect parent, far from it in fact.

Would I silently judge a parent using them? Would I feel sorry for the child? Absolutely. But I would never say anything. It ultimately comes down to, your child, your choice. Nothing anyone says can change that so I don't. And, if you're honest enough we all judge other parents and their parenting choices. I'm just able to admit it. Because it's not right for me or I don't believe in their use doesn't mean others can't see their value.

I can't quite work out of this is a joke or not.

Who wants to go straight home because their toddler won't walk with its arm stretched above its head? (Quite a reasonable thing to dislike in my view). I wouldn't want my life being dictated to by a toddler in this way. Reigns mean they can walk next to you or holding onto the buggy with the "back up" that if they step into the road or you can grab them back.

Also I think these threads hide the divide between those who drive everywhere and those who spend time more walking. Same as the "I got rid of the buggy at 18 months" brigade often don't mention they didn't walk further than car park to shopping trolley with said 18 month old.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 29/07/2023 20:03

I'm not being smug at all. I didn't and don't see the need for them within my family. If I had multiple children under 3 or 4 or twins, or a child with additional needs maybe I would feel differently. I had one child and took a responsibility for them when out.

I was adding to the discussion. If this was 15 yrs ago the attitudes would be very different. It's a parenting choice and I choose not to use them and yes I judge. We all do. You've all decided and have (some of you) posted clear and unfair judgements regarding my stance on this but rather than slate my views you've chosen to slate my parenting and my choices. That shows real depth and intelligence.

Big deal. I'm not bothered in the least. I'm happy with the choices I have made. And presume that you're happy with yours. Free will is wonderful thing. Therefore, I won't restrain my children.

Catspyjamas17 · 29/07/2023 20:06

A good idea in theory. DD2 didn't mind them, but actually as she was so tall she could hold my hand properly at the time she might have needed reins.

DD1 was on the other hand, well it reminded me of when I tried to walk my cat on a lead as a kid.

helloelsie · 29/07/2023 20:08

newfriend05 · 29/07/2023 16:42

I had a 2y old and a newborn .. I used reins .. plus it was around the time of James bulger

This

x2boys · 29/07/2023 20:09

OneMoreCookieMonster · 29/07/2023 20:03

I'm not being smug at all. I didn't and don't see the need for them within my family. If I had multiple children under 3 or 4 or twins, or a child with additional needs maybe I would feel differently. I had one child and took a responsibility for them when out.

I was adding to the discussion. If this was 15 yrs ago the attitudes would be very different. It's a parenting choice and I choose not to use them and yes I judge. We all do. You've all decided and have (some of you) posted clear and unfair judgements regarding my stance on this but rather than slate my views you've chosen to slate my parenting and my choices. That shows real depth and intelligence.

Big deal. I'm not bothered in the least. I'm happy with the choices I have made. And presume that you're happy with yours. Free will is wonderful thing. Therefore, I won't restrain my children.

The point is you said you judged other.people for using them
I have never needed to.use reins either not even for my severely autistic child
But I don't judge other ,s for doing so because its whatever it takes to.keep.a child safe and if reins keep.them safe then so.be it better a,child on reins than a dead child. .

Summermeadowflowers · 29/07/2023 20:11

Nothing against reins but mine won’t tolerate them: the second he realised he was on a lead he sat down and refused to move!

9/10 he’s very good at holding hands but he did escape from me in a car park when I was nine months pregnant and riddled with sciatica. That was … interesting.

helloelsie · 29/07/2023 20:11

Who cares what others think, or why they think it.

The only thing you should be asking is what is the safest thing for your child.

I am reminded of the Jamie Bulger story and what may have been different if he'd had reins that fateful day keeping him near his mother.

You don't even need "reins" just get one of those little life backpacks which is fun for the child to wear and also has a lead for you to hold.

Put your child's safety ahead of your silly fears and worries about what people think. Always.

helloelsie · 29/07/2023 20:12

"are there pros for my toddler other than just making my life easier?" You keep them safer too, what more do you need?

humpty74 · 29/07/2023 20:14

I'd say it partly depends how well he walks - when mine was first walking we used traditional reins with a harness and fixing point on both sides which was better for catching him if he stumbled. Later when it was more to stop him running into the road we got the backpack type which is longer and has one fixing point rather than 2 (so wouldn't stop him hitting the floor in the same way!)
At 4 he still uses the backpack with the lead removed, he can bring a toy if he wants and it clips at the front so stays on unless intentionally removed and in busy areas I can hold the handle on top to keep him by me.

IamAlso4eels · 29/07/2023 20:15

This is the poster whose son was tragically killed as a toddler, an accident that wouldn't have happened if he had been one reins. His dad got distracted for a brief second and in that second the child ran into the road, was hit by a car and killed. It affected their entire lives after, their marriage ended and his dad died a broken man with alcohol problems due to the guilt. I don't know if @MrsPresley is still around on the boards but her story is heartbreaking and she is very passionate about the use of reins.

To the poster who thinks they're somehow superior at teaching small children road safety - would you let a dog roam free next to a busy road even if it was well trained or would you realise that the dog doesn't have the cognitive maturity to properly assess risk and could potentially react in an unexpected manner (including running into to road) and so would keep it on a lead for its own safety...?

To think reins are a good idea