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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not bonding with DGC

102 replies

featu41 · 29/07/2023 11:00

I'm feeling like I'm not bonding with my grandson (4 months old). The other day I realised that I hadn't thought of him at all, for at least a day. I think the problem might be that I'm not really allowed to do anything for him and when I do do things, often it's wrong. I'm constantly interrupted by thoughts like - am I doing the right/wrong thing, will they take this the wrong way etc rather than simply being natural and enjoying the moment. It is starting to feel like a fake relationship, like it could be anyone's baby and not my grandson. I'm actively dreading the next visit. AIBU over worrying this. Should I just carry on going through the motions or should I say something?

OP posts:
Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 29/07/2023 11:06

Is your relationship great with the dps? My ds held a lot of resentment against me for my divorce. I always doubted his true relationship with me. Subsequently I held back from any real bond with dgc despite providing child care a good chunk of the week. When ds walked away from our relationship after his relationship breakdown it was no real surprise. I never really think about either of them.. Are you denying yourself a true relationship op for fear it will be taken away?

OhBanana · 29/07/2023 11:06

Respectfully, you’re allowed to go a day without thinking about him. You do not need to ‘bond’ with a four month old, he’s barely out of the womb fgs. The parents do. Your relationship will grow over time because he is not your child, by the time they are 6, 7, 8 months plus you will have more of a bond because at four months the baby isn’t able to interact much anyway and develop bonds with other caregivers. And yes you should be considering how the parents are doing things and respect their wishes in terms of doing the right/wrong thing. But unless there is missing context (eg parents leave him in your care and use you for childcare regularly and are berating you for how you do things) then you are massively overthinking and being quite unreasonable.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 29/07/2023 11:07

I really wouldn't say anything. Was you incredibly excited for the baby coming? I think a baby joining a family especially if it has been years since the last baby brings such joy and high expectations. However once they are here they are at the end of the day totally dependent on their parents who they form their secure attachments too. They need to be with them and attended to by them. Once grandchild is older and starts to form other strong relationships you will feel a strong bond. I just think it takes time. Am sure you will have an amazing relationship when they are not so little anymore.

Imogensmumma · 29/07/2023 11:09

That sounds tough that you get criticised every time you visit. It would make you dread visiting sounds like the mum has PND/anxiety and is struggling to cope?

Also I wouldn’t stress about not bonding the baby is 4monthd at that point they are pretty boring!! Hopefully closer to one DGC’s parents will feel better with sleep and settling into a rhythm and back of being critical every time you visit and you can actually spend more time with the baby when they are more fun too!

ScentlessAprentice · 29/07/2023 11:16

Should you say something? What on earth would you say?

I'm going to take a leap and assume that this is your son's child? And the whole "will they take this the wrong way, am I doing the wrong thing, actively dreading the next visit" is you being overbearing and pissed off that your DIL has established some boundaries

Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 11:18

I don't think my lack of feeling is a protective thing in case the relationship fractures in the future. I can't see that happening at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 11:18

It's my daughter's child.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 29/07/2023 11:20

Fake it til you make it.

Im sure you will develop some feelings for him once he develops more of a personality.

Rainiestsummer · 29/07/2023 11:21

Four months is nothing really. Just be a consistent and loving presence in the child's life, it will happen.
I don't assume you're being overbearing by the way, unlike pp. You may be! But your dd may also be being totally pfb about the little one. However, even if she is, it's her way of coping with the massive change of having a new baby.

Rainiestsummer · 29/07/2023 11:22

Dreading the next visit is a bit extreme though - why not, next time you visit, chat to your dd or ask if you can do anything for her and leave the baby to one side for a while?

Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 11:22

What is pfb?

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 29/07/2023 11:23

You are wildly overthinking this. A four month old is a milk drinking, pooing potential machine. They are barely out of fourth trimester. I'm not surprised you're not doing much for them, it would be a kind of an overreach to try.

Wait till they are three and stomping around the garden picking up slugs. Then you won't have time to worry about your bond because you'll be too busy taking things out of their mouth.

FloweryName · 29/07/2023 11:24

He’s only 4 months old and right now he is primarily forming bonds with his parents. Your role is still about supporting the baby’s mother more than creating your own bond with the baby. Your bond will grow naturally if you keep being present and supportive.

It might be important to you to ‘do things’ for the baby, but for now just let your dd do them or let her tell you how she wants it done, even if that means you rolling your eyes internally because you already know you’re perfectly capable. New mothers are often a bit over fussy about things. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a close relationship with your grandson in all the years to come.

Cantthinkofadifferentname · 29/07/2023 11:24

Pfb = precious first born

35965a · 29/07/2023 11:25

FloweryName · 29/07/2023 11:24

He’s only 4 months old and right now he is primarily forming bonds with his parents. Your role is still about supporting the baby’s mother more than creating your own bond with the baby. Your bond will grow naturally if you keep being present and supportive.

It might be important to you to ‘do things’ for the baby, but for now just let your dd do them or let her tell you how she wants it done, even if that means you rolling your eyes internally because you already know you’re perfectly capable. New mothers are often a bit over fussy about things. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a close relationship with your grandson in all the years to come.

Agree with all of this post ^

Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 11:28

Maybe the problem with me understanding this is because I didn't experience PFB.
Good advise thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 11:31

JennyForeigner · 29/07/2023 11:23

You are wildly overthinking this. A four month old is a milk drinking, pooing potential machine. They are barely out of fourth trimester. I'm not surprised you're not doing much for them, it would be a kind of an overreach to try.

Wait till they are three and stomping around the garden picking up slugs. Then you won't have time to worry about your bond because you'll be too busy taking things out of their mouth.

I have had children 😁I remember!

OP posts:
Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 11:32

When I say 'doing things' I just mean the usual supportive stuff for mum. I don't mean taking him out or doing activities!

OP posts:
June628 · 29/07/2023 11:36

What is this supportive stuff for mum… I never experienced that from my mum 🤣

Curseofthenation · 29/07/2023 11:43

Agree with PPs. Your relationship with your DGC will develop as they get older. I don't think your DD should feel forced to allow you to support her in ways that she obviously doesn't need. The relationship and dynamic with both your DGC and DD will change over time. I think this is a waiting game. You might cause tension or upset by complaining about your wants and needs when your DD is the one that is caring for a small baby. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

Wisterical · 29/07/2023 11:44

You're okay, just give it time. I was really surprised that I also felt like this when my first grandchild was born, he was lovely and precious and all that but I didn't feel particularly connected to him for the first six months or so. His mum, my daughter, was the one I thought about a lot!

I also felt pretty unskilled at tiny baby stuff (plus his parents were meeting all his needs) so I made it my role to coo loads at all the photos they sent me, shortish visits every week or so with some home baking, say how amazing he was and what a great job they were doing, make cups of tea and ask if they had any jobs they needed me to do. And hold him if he was passed to me. After a few months we could play together and I fell head over heels in love with him.

It's a few years on now and I have more grandchildren, wonderful relationships them all, they bring me so much joy. Honestly, don't worry, it's a slow burner!

Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 11:46

Wisterical · 29/07/2023 11:44

You're okay, just give it time. I was really surprised that I also felt like this when my first grandchild was born, he was lovely and precious and all that but I didn't feel particularly connected to him for the first six months or so. His mum, my daughter, was the one I thought about a lot!

I also felt pretty unskilled at tiny baby stuff (plus his parents were meeting all his needs) so I made it my role to coo loads at all the photos they sent me, shortish visits every week or so with some home baking, say how amazing he was and what a great job they were doing, make cups of tea and ask if they had any jobs they needed me to do. And hold him if he was passed to me. After a few months we could play together and I fell head over heels in love with him.

It's a few years on now and I have more grandchildren, wonderful relationships them all, they bring me so much joy. Honestly, don't worry, it's a slow burner!

Thank you that's a lovely message and I'm sure this will be my experience too then!

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 29/07/2023 11:48

Maybe you could counter their PFB behaviour by visiting but not asking to hold the baby? Or not offering to make a bottle or change a nappy?

And visit then they invite you, not buying anything etc?

They need to learn to appreciate you.

oakleaffy · 29/07/2023 11:53

Twiglets1 · 29/07/2023 11:20

Fake it til you make it.

Im sure you will develop some feelings for him once he develops more of a personality.

Probably this..A young baby is pretty boring {unless it's your own}.

HousePlantNeglect · 29/07/2023 12:01

How about reframing the visit to be one where you are going as a parent and not a grandparent? To help your daughter a bit with stuff that might take the pressure off her and that your focus away from 'bonding with DGC'.

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