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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not bonding with DGC

102 replies

featu41 · 29/07/2023 11:00

I'm feeling like I'm not bonding with my grandson (4 months old). The other day I realised that I hadn't thought of him at all, for at least a day. I think the problem might be that I'm not really allowed to do anything for him and when I do do things, often it's wrong. I'm constantly interrupted by thoughts like - am I doing the right/wrong thing, will they take this the wrong way etc rather than simply being natural and enjoying the moment. It is starting to feel like a fake relationship, like it could be anyone's baby and not my grandson. I'm actively dreading the next visit. AIBU over worrying this. Should I just carry on going through the motions or should I say something?

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 12:02

"when I do do things, often it's wrong"

What exactly, and how is it wrong?

Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 12:02

HousePlantNeglect · 29/07/2023 12:01

How about reframing the visit to be one where you are going as a parent and not a grandparent? To help your daughter a bit with stuff that might take the pressure off her and that your focus away from 'bonding with DGC'.

That's exactly what I have been doing though.

OP posts:
Scatterbrainbox · 29/07/2023 12:03

Imogensmumma · 29/07/2023 11:09

That sounds tough that you get criticised every time you visit. It would make you dread visiting sounds like the mum has PND/anxiety and is struggling to cope?

Also I wouldn’t stress about not bonding the baby is 4monthd at that point they are pretty boring!! Hopefully closer to one DGC’s parents will feel better with sleep and settling into a rhythm and back of being critical every time you visit and you can actually spend more time with the baby when they are more fun too!

Which OP did you read? Because I don't think it was this one...

Imogensmumma · 29/07/2023 12:06

Scatterbrainbox · 29/07/2023 12:03

Which OP did you read? Because I don't think it was this one...

Show quote history

What are you talking about? Sounds like you fail basic comprehension… what part isn’t the relevant ?!?

jeez time for coffee for you!

Flisss · 29/07/2023 12:06

What are the things you want to do for him? And what are the examples of those being wrong?

Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 12:10

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 12:02

"when I do do things, often it's wrong"

What exactly, and how is it wrong?

eg If he's crying and I'm holding him, my son-in-law says I should be jigging him up and down. I don't feel comfortable doing this ( I never say that I feel uncomfortable because I don't want to interfere) so anyway, the technique doesn't work, he keeps crying, so he's taken off me immediately because they can't stand him crying. I used to sway or rock my own DC so jigging doesn't come natural to me.

OP posts:
User6424678852 · 29/07/2023 12:15

Wisterical · 29/07/2023 11:44

You're okay, just give it time. I was really surprised that I also felt like this when my first grandchild was born, he was lovely and precious and all that but I didn't feel particularly connected to him for the first six months or so. His mum, my daughter, was the one I thought about a lot!

I also felt pretty unskilled at tiny baby stuff (plus his parents were meeting all his needs) so I made it my role to coo loads at all the photos they sent me, shortish visits every week or so with some home baking, say how amazing he was and what a great job they were doing, make cups of tea and ask if they had any jobs they needed me to do. And hold him if he was passed to me. After a few months we could play together and I fell head over heels in love with him.

It's a few years on now and I have more grandchildren, wonderful relationships them all, they bring me so much joy. Honestly, don't worry, it's a slow burner!

That’s such a lovely post 💕

thecatsthecats · 29/07/2023 12:16

The likely thing wrong in that scenario is that your grandchild knows that you are not mum or dad, and that he knows that you aren't jiggling him right, and that he neither knows nor cares whether you jiggled or swung your own babies. This comes out as waaaaah waaaaah waaaaah.

Your SIL knows that when they jiggle him, it works, and he's trying to tell you that. It's not a criticism, it's telling you - even though what really would work would be mum or dad doing it.

Babies that young don't give a fig about other adults, and they have no personal need to bond with them. That's something that comes later.

Ottersmith · 29/07/2023 12:17

If any of my baby's Grandparents are holding him and he cries I would expect them to give him straight back. I'd they don't then I wonder why they are still holding him and I just take him back.

AIBUunlikely · 29/07/2023 12:18

Do you feel like your bond with your daughter has changed?
Do you feel that's important and value that?

With my own mum, it was (and is) all about her. She was going to be this amazing grandparent, she'd be adored and be No1. She couldn't cope with the tiny baby stage, then she'd plan stressful days out shouting 'careful', the kids could never relax in her company.

She also missed the chance to bond with me. Still, she'll focus on 'should you do that, have you thought about this' which makes me regress into angry teen mode.

We're pretty low contact these days and the kids politely tolerate her rather than any real warmth.

Flisss · 29/07/2023 12:20

Think about when yours were 4 months old, if they were crying in someone else's arms what woukd have done? Left them, commented on what the prefer, taken them back? Don't take it to heart x

Thelnebriati · 29/07/2023 12:20

When your son in law says ''you should be jigging him up and down'' translate it in your mind so you hear ''baby prefers it when you jiggle him up and down''

Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 12:22

Thelnebriati · 29/07/2023 12:20

When your son in law says ''you should be jigging him up and down'' translate it in your mind so you hear ''baby prefers it when you jiggle him up and down''

What I think is more, you really should not be jigging a baby up and down like that (but obviously I don't say anything).

OP posts:
nokidshere · 29/07/2023 12:25

If any of my baby's Grandparents are holding him and he cries I would expect them to give him straight back. I'd they don't then I wonder why they are still holding him and I just take him back.

Good lord 🙄 why?

thecatsthecats · 29/07/2023 12:25

Well, to be honest I've had zero babies, but I've jiggled some and swayed others according to what felt natural and what the parents told me they liked.

Why shouldn't I be jiggling babies - aka, bumping them up and down gently on my knee? Some of them like it, and it doesn't hurt them.

Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 12:26

Flisss · 29/07/2023 12:20

Think about when yours were 4 months old, if they were crying in someone else's arms what woukd have done? Left them, commented on what the prefer, taken them back? Don't take it to heart x

Mine cried a lot. If my mum or mil was cuddling them we'd just try something different like checking the nappy, rubbing their backs, moving position, putting them in the pram, going for a walk. It was more a sort of team effort thinking about it now although it never occurred to me back then.
I think there was less stress in them days about babies crying. That's just what babies did!

OP posts:
Ihavekids · 29/07/2023 12:27

You're making the birth of this baby all about you and that's weird.

Just be there to support your daughter. At the moment the primary relationship is between baby and parents, not you. That's what needs to be nurtured right now. You're beside the point I'm afraid.

As child grows so will your relationship with the child. Don't push it for now and just be there for your daughter.

And also, don't offer your advice on baby raising unless specifically asked. You're coming off a bit critical and that's the last thing a new parent needs.

HousePlantNeglect · 29/07/2023 12:28

featu41 · 29/07/2023 12:02

That's exactly what I have been doing though.

Show quote history

I think your next post about jiggling the baby might explain what I mean better.

In that scenario you're quite rightly wanting to help and trying to settle the baby in your way. But the baby isn't settling and his parents want to settle him in their way. It's not a criticism of you but just an unfortunate fact that a lot of babies won't be settled by anyone other than mum or dad at that age. Instead could you just ask your daughter what help she wants? She might prefer to settle the baby while you make her a cuppa or something.

My own DM was really focused on the grandkids . She'd always offer to take them out for a walk in the pram when they were babies and be upset when I said no thanks they'll just scream their heads off! My MIL on the other hand would focus on me and my DH.....like 'what can I do?'.

Which is sort of what I meant. Take your focus off the baby and do other stuff and I'm sure a bond will develop (my kids love both their grandmothers equally despite the differences in approach!).

MindatWork · 29/07/2023 12:36

Hmmmm it’s coming across as all about you OP, a bit like you feel pushed out from your rightful place as grandparent?

There’s not a lot of love or affection coming through your posts for our daughter or son in law. What they need from you at the moment is your support and an occasional ‘you’re
doing a great job’. No one ever said that to me - my MIL thought she was being very empathetic and supportive by telling me ‘you’re like me, I struggled with the newborn stage too’ 🤦‍♀️.

I imagine you’re not as good as you think you are at hiding the fact you think they’re doing things the wrong way and they’re picking up on it.

JudgeJ · 29/07/2023 12:36

That sounds tough that you get criticised every time you visit. It would make you dread visiting sounds like the mum has PND/anxiety and is struggling to cope?

More likely she considers herself the world's greatest expert on child rearing having had the miracle of a baby.

Blanketpolicy · 29/07/2023 12:37

Absolutely in love with my 7 month old great niece, but as soon as she cries or gets unsettled I just say oh someone wants their mum/dad and hand her back 🤣

First few months were a bit meh, very different from having your own baby, the pleasure at that point was watching my niece evolving into a brilliant mum and helping her with practical things. Now my great niece is 7 months she is much more interactive and fun.

Give it time and don't put pressure on yourself to calm such a young baby, just hand her back to her parents at this stage.

Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 12:37

@HousePlantNeglect I appreciate your views, I really do, but honestly I've taken the approach to support my daughter rather than interfering with baby. I've not once actively taken any action without them either first asking me to do something, or if I've offered and they've said yes. Not just baby-related. In the early days I was doing mainly household stuff but only after I'd asked if they wanted stuff done (they did).
My focus has been primarily on my daughter and I am concerned.
I think the approach some pps have said about not sweating about any bond at the moment is right as it will come later.

OP posts:
Original poster
featu41 · 29/07/2023 12:39

MindatWork · 29/07/2023 12:36

Hmmmm it’s coming across as all about you OP, a bit like you feel pushed out from your rightful place as grandparent?

There’s not a lot of love or affection coming through your posts for our daughter or son in law. What they need from you at the moment is your support and an occasional ‘you’re
doing a great job’. No one ever said that to me - my MIL thought she was being very empathetic and supportive by telling me ‘you’re like me, I struggled with the newborn stage too’ 🤦‍♀️.

I imagine you’re not as good as you think you are at hiding the fact you think they’re doing things the wrong way and they’re picking up on it.

Please don't tell me I don't love my own daughter.

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 29/07/2023 12:39

I suspect that the fact that you think that the way your son in law comforts his own child is wrong may be more apparent than you think.

SadKen82 · 29/07/2023 12:43

I don't get it. You basically don't like that they soothe their baby in a different way to how you soothed your babies?