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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not bonding with DGC

102 replies

featu41 · 29/07/2023 11:00

I'm feeling like I'm not bonding with my grandson (4 months old). The other day I realised that I hadn't thought of him at all, for at least a day. I think the problem might be that I'm not really allowed to do anything for him and when I do do things, often it's wrong. I'm constantly interrupted by thoughts like - am I doing the right/wrong thing, will they take this the wrong way etc rather than simply being natural and enjoying the moment. It is starting to feel like a fake relationship, like it could be anyone's baby and not my grandson. I'm actively dreading the next visit. AIBU over worrying this. Should I just carry on going through the motions or should I say something?

OP posts:
HousePlantNeglect · 29/07/2023 12:44

featu41 · 29/07/2023 12:37

@HousePlantNeglect I appreciate your views, I really do, but honestly I've taken the approach to support my daughter rather than interfering with baby. I've not once actively taken any action without them either first asking me to do something, or if I've offered and they've said yes. Not just baby-related. In the early days I was doing mainly household stuff but only after I'd asked if they wanted stuff done (they did).
My focus has been primarily on my daughter and I am concerned.
I think the approach some pps have said about not sweating about any bond at the moment is right as it will come later.

Fair enough. I'm sure it will come :)

MindatWork · 29/07/2023 12:46

@featu41 apologies - I wasn’t telling you you don’t love her, I was commenting on how your posts are coming across. Maybe it’s just your posting style and maybe it’s me projecting from my own experiences with a MIL and Mother who - if you asked them - would insist they’d been hugely supportive but obviously thought I didn’t know what I was doing.

I do understand the worry about not having an immediate bond - I felt similarly when my niece and nephew were born, like I was supposed to have this huge rush of love, but it did come later. I’m sure your bond will develop later and you’ll Han e a lovely relationship with them.

Janieforever · 29/07/2023 12:48

Op. Are you maybe a little put out they correct you? There is a petulance in your posts which makes me wonder.

I understand you did it differently. And I’m sure your mother and mother in law did it different to you

as parents we all have our own way. It’s important to respect that

you also sound quite full on, the whole haven’t thought of him for a day , haven’t bonded, he’s 4 months,you are the grandparent not the parent.

if this is petulance as they correct you, then you need to get a grip of that,before it causes damage.

mimi98 · 29/07/2023 12:49

I think there's an awful lot of projecting the 'evil MIL' scenario which isn't that relevant considering mum is OP's daughter. I think that's distracting from the real issue which is - reading between the lines - some sort of issue going on with DSiL, no?
It was DSiL who pointed out the 'correct' way to soothe baby.
OP is 'concerned' about her daughter.
Is there something more to this than meets the eye?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/07/2023 12:58

Some of these posts are so harsh and judgemental of the OP. It’s as if some posters actively want it to be the case that the OP is doing something wrong, that it’s all her own fault.

As kinder posters have said, it’ll come, OP, just give it time.

Might add that when my first Gdc was born I felt bad that there was no ‘overwhelming rush of love’ the instant I first held her - as another new GM had recently described to me. What was wrong with me??
But it did come after a while. Same with the later 2 - I have a very loving relationship with all of them.

TinyTeacher · 29/07/2023 13:00

I Think You're Worrying A Bit Early,OP!

It's totally fine not to be totally consumed with thoughts for a 4 month old. And it's good that your DD feels comfortable enough with you that she is talking to you about how she wants things done - maybe she's not expressing it as well as possible if you feel criticised (hormones, tiredness, feeling a bit over protective?), but it shows she's comfortable with you and wants you to help (or she wouldnt bother to "correct" you).

I'm certain if you have a good relationship with your DD generally and keep popping in and listening, you're on your way to a great relationship when baby is a bit older.

2bazookas · 29/07/2023 13:01

Get over yourself.

The next generation have entirely different notions about parenting, and every single aspect of raising a child. Get used to it. Wise up on co-sleeping, babyled weaning, not potty training, never putting baby down, and taking baby to multiple baby classes to learn how to be a baby. You need to know about all that crap so you won't get caught, and cause offence.

You have a two year window before you GC can speak and spill the beans that while they were at Granny;s house bad Granny and Grampa mashed their food, spoonfed them, put them to bed still awake, sat them on a potty, made them play dangerously on the floor with saucepans, lids and wooden spoons.

Make the most of it. Do it right and you'll have a lifetime bond with your GC.

HousePlantNeglect · 29/07/2023 13:05

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/07/2023 12:58

Some of these posts are so harsh and judgemental of the OP. It’s as if some posters actively want it to be the case that the OP is doing something wrong, that it’s all her own fault.

As kinder posters have said, it’ll come, OP, just give it time.

Might add that when my first Gdc was born I felt bad that there was no ‘overwhelming rush of love’ the instant I first held her - as another new GM had recently described to me. What was wrong with me??
But it did come after a while. Same with the later 2 - I have a very loving relationship with all of them.

Totally agree.

Seem like OP has asked a question, considered the responses and come to a conclusion acknowledging that she needs to give it a bit more time. Job done surely!?

BettyBallerina · 29/07/2023 13:07

I think at the moment concentrate on supporting your dd and her new little family. The rest will follow.

Fenty1 · 29/07/2023 13:09

Alot of unnecessary nastiness towards OP. Give it time is the best advice I can give. When they are older I'm sure you'll have a great relationship. My sister was very protective of her 1st baby and with all the timed naps etc no one could get near the baby. Fast forward a few years and I am constantly being asked to look after my niece, let her come to my house etc. No 4 month old babies are very interesting any way! Smile, be patient and you will be rewarded I promise 🙂

Smallblessings2 · 29/07/2023 13:10

Were you expecting to feel a similar love that you experienced for your own child?

Maybe there is a period of adjustment as you get used to your new role as supporting rather than the primary role of main caregiver?

It is not your child, did not grow within you so the strong feelings will develop rather than arrive in a burst. As you share his life and milestones and watch him grow the love and bond will deepen.

mimi98 · 29/07/2023 13:12

I've re-read all the OP's posts and I definitely think there's an issue with the DSiL. Controlling, perhaps?

Daisymaybe60 · 29/07/2023 13:16

Yes, job done, I’m sure, and here’s wishing you many happy years ahead with your DGC, OP!

I’m very lucky, I did get that sudden rush of love for each one of mine as soon as I met them, and I see them all regularly. They’re a lot more interesting now they’ve developed their own distinct personalities and they’re all so precious to me. I’ve just been wondering, though, whether I actually think of every one of them every single day and I have to say no, I don’t. I’ll often have a little smile out of nowhere when I remember something one of them has said or done, but they’re not constantly on my mind. Perhaps you’re expecting a little too much of yourself, OP?

BettyBallerina · 29/07/2023 13:18

2bazookas · 29/07/2023 13:01

Get over yourself.

The next generation have entirely different notions about parenting, and every single aspect of raising a child. Get used to it. Wise up on co-sleeping, babyled weaning, not potty training, never putting baby down, and taking baby to multiple baby classes to learn how to be a baby. You need to know about all that crap so you won't get caught, and cause offence.

You have a two year window before you GC can speak and spill the beans that while they were at Granny;s house bad Granny and Grampa mashed their food, spoonfed them, put them to bed still awake, sat them on a potty, made them play dangerously on the floor with saucepans, lids and wooden spoons.

Make the most of it. Do it right and you'll have a lifetime bond with your GC.

😂😂😂

idonthaveanameforyou · 29/07/2023 13:19

Sounds like you think everything they do is wrong, rather than they think that about you. Maybe you should assume your daughter knows how to look after her own baby and isn't a complete idiot 'jigging' her baby inappropriately. But oh, back in your day, you knew better!

Quartz2208 · 29/07/2023 13:20

mimi98 · 29/07/2023 13:12

I've re-read all the OP's posts and I definitely think there's an issue with the DSiL. Controlling, perhaps?

Or possibly the other way round that he is protective of the decisions they have made as a couple and don’t want pressure to change

mimi98 · 29/07/2023 13:20

idonthaveanameforyou · 29/07/2023 13:19

Sounds like you think everything they do is wrong, rather than they think that about you. Maybe you should assume your daughter knows how to look after her own baby and isn't a complete idiot 'jigging' her baby inappropriately. But oh, back in your day, you knew better!

It was the son-in-law that said about the jigging, not the daughter.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/07/2023 13:21

Don't say anything - I am cringing at the thought. Accept that your grandchild's parents know what they are doing, and be patient. You will definitely develop a bond once the baby is old enough to recognise you and be delighted to see you.

Saschka · 29/07/2023 13:22

June628 · 29/07/2023 11:36

What is this supportive stuff for mum… I never experienced that from my mum 🤣

Mine drove me to the supermarket once a week after my c-section, and then once I could drive again, switched to taking me out for a coffee/walk once a week. Occasionally babysat for an hour so I could go for a run. I found all of that super-helpful!

SisterAgatha · 29/07/2023 13:23

I would focus on looking after your daughter so that she can look after the baby. You’ll naturally bond this way. Offer her support, on her terms, and it will happen.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 29/07/2023 13:23

I adore my dgc. I don't think about her everyday though.

idonthaveanameforyou · 29/07/2023 13:24

It was the son-in-law that said about the jigging, not the daughter.

So? It's how they soothe the baby. Op thinks they shouldn't be doing it, and should be left holding the baby while it cries even if it makes the parents uncomfortable.

Lonnnngsummerholidays · 29/07/2023 13:24

featu41 · 29/07/2023 12:22

What I think is more, you really should not be jigging a baby up and down like that (but obviously I don't say anything).

Show quote history

Why do you think you shouldn’t be doing something which is safe and your GC likes?

Of course they aren’t letting cry.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 29/07/2023 13:28

featu41 · 29/07/2023 11:18

It's my daughter's child.

Has the birth triggered feelings from when you had your DC. Could you be worrying your DD will have feelings like the ones you had.

mimi98 · 29/07/2023 13:31

idonthaveanameforyou · 29/07/2023 13:24

It was the son-in-law that said about the jigging, not the daughter.

So? It's how they soothe the baby. Op thinks they shouldn't be doing it, and should be left holding the baby while it cries even if it makes the parents uncomfortable.

I don't think that's quite right. OP didn't say she should keep holding the baby. She said she tried the technique and because it wasn't feeling right it wasn't working and so the baby was taken from her immediately.

Probably not relevant, but imagine if you couldn't do something at work immediately and the task was immediately taken off you. Micromanaging. A DSiL (not a daughter) who instructs. Ripples of control. Maybe I'm wrong.

My point was that it wasn't the daughter who told her mum to do something. It was the DSiL. Did the daughter remain silent throughout this?