In not bonding with DGC

[featu41]

I'm feeling like I'm not bonding with my grandson (4 months old). The other day I realised that I hadn't thought of him at all, for at least a day. I think the problem might be that I'm not really allowed to do anything for him and when I do do things, often it's wrong. I'm constantly interrupted by thoughts like - am I doing the right/wrong thing, will they take this the wrong way etc rather than simply being natural and enjoying the moment. It is starting to feel like a fake relationship, like it could be anyone's baby and not my grandson. I'm actively dreading the next visit. AIBU over worrying this. Should I just carry on going through the motions or should I say something?

YABU.This isn't your place as a grandparent to be worrying about bonding in this way, unless you were taking in an active role in raising the child.
I would advise you to keep your opinions on child rearing to yourself and not share them with the parents.

He's four months old. He's not your child. I find the phrase "bonding" unhelpful anyway. Unless you are to be caring for him for significant periods of time in the near future, he doesn't need to "bond" with you.

What he needs is to do first and foremost is to build strong bonds with his parents. If you make yourself available to facilitate this for the three of them in these early days, you are far more likely to have the opportunity to interact with him more meaningfully as he grows up.

OP, you've done your bit raising your DD. Now, sit back crossed-legged in a silken kimono, smoke a cigarette, glass of wine in t'other hand, while Roger the masseur attends to your feet. And when they phone up and say mum can you babysit tonight, tell them you can't, darling, as you're going out on Roger's yacht for the weekend but that you'll be quite accommodating when darling grandson has his first falling out with his parents because they won't let him smoke pot and darling grandmama will.

The criticism sounds like it comes from a place of insecurity: your daughter thinks you're such a fabulous mother that she's worried your grandson would naturally prefer you to her. For now, just concentrate on supporting her and giving her re assurance. I am sure the rest will come.

It is lovely to read that you want a loving relationship with your grandchild. My parents were the most wonderful and loving parents to me and gave me a fantastic childhood but since my DD was born they have little or no interest in their grandchildren. They have probably babysat maybe 3 times in 15 years. They are quite matter of fact about it. They are mine and my husbands children not theirs. They have no interest in school plays or birthday parties or anything. I would love to have a mum or dad that loved my children like I see other grandparents doing. I have asked my mum why the lack of interest and she said she spent 18 yrs bringing children up and putting their life on hold it is their time to enjoy life to the fullest now ie holidays, cruises, shopping trips, restaurants as they were unable to do when we were small. It really is lovely that you want to interact with him and I would think over time it will happen. I would love my kids to have Grandparents in their life but likewise because I had such a great childhood because of the way they brought us up I get their point however my DH doesn't and it causes alot of arguments between us!

I think it takes time. I have 2 DGDs now aged 5 and 7 but I wouldn't say even now I think about them all the time. You are allowed to go a day without thinking about your grandson. We have fun when we spend time together and I have helped out with regular childcare (on our terms with the agreement of my DD and SIL) but babies can sometimes be a bit boring in that they don't do much. Wait until he starts moving around and talking and you might find it easier to bond. If you are on edge because your DD or DS are making you feel that way then that is another matter. My DD and her husband have always been pretty relaxed when we have the DGDs over but if this is their first baby maybe they are a little on edge themselves.

This is key. Times have changed, methods move on.

It took my mother a few months to realise that we would be bringing up our baby our way, not her way. Once she settled into that, it all became a lot easier and less tense.

Even if you think you aren't commenting or saying anything, your body language and facial expressions will be speaking volumes.

Also, I don't understand your post - you describe the many things that you and those around you did to try and stop your babies crying, then say "I think there was less stress in them days about babies crying. That's just what babies did!"? You can't have it both ways!

Yes I agree with this! I think it’s natural to think a bond will be instant but it wasn’t with my son. I faked it until I made it

😂

So many precious mummies.

I didn’t feel particularly bonded to my own when they were tiny. Don’t worry about it. For me it was a drudgery borne of duty. The interest and the love grew as they became interesting.

Why do you think they can't settle a baby? They managed to raise you or your partner? Do you think they were really awful parents who didn't make their kids need important? Do you think they enjoy seeing your baby upset?

Just because you’ve had one baby doesn’t mean you are any good with other babies. I hand babies straight back if they cry, because I’m hopeless with them. I can barely remember how to hold them, let alone anything more complex.

Why do you think they can't settle a baby? They managed to raise you or your partner? Do you think they were really awful parents who didn't make their kids need important? Do you think they enjoy seeing your baby upset?

They hopefully and probably knew their babies best and their babies settled most easily for them because they smelled and sounded like mum, and maybe dad. The poster’s baby will similarly settle best with her. It’s not casting aspersions on the grandparents’ historic ability to care for their own babies 😂

Yabu.

The baby is only 4 mo. It’s for the parents to be bonding at a time where baby may not be aware yet that they’re a separate being from their mother.

Just keep being there for your daughter and a bond will grow eventually. There’s no need to rush and really don’t understand why so many grandparents try to when the grandchildren are so young.

The part where grandmother being expected to do things the way the parents prefer, must equate to the mum having anxiety and PND...
It's quite misogynistic really... mum asserts herself as opposed to being a doormat, therefore she must have mental health issues...

Exactly this. It blows my mind that people think calming a tiny, helpless baby is about some sort of 'technique' ... it's about the person doing the calming feeling/smelling/sounding familiar.

I get frustrated when grandparents are offended if the parents feel like they need information on what to do with the baby because they 'raised their own'.
My youngest is 9, so a long way off giving me any DGC, and I can barely remember anything about what to do with a newborn. Not to mention the fact at the professionals'advice will have changed (and no this isn't a fad, more research will have been done about what is best for baby, something which is far more important than grandparents' egos).

As you have said yours is 9 and you don’t remember what to do with newborns mine is 11 months and I remember the anxiety and stress vividly of being in the trenches of a newborn in the fourth trimester and I was diagnosed with PND Anxiety so yeah maybe I recognise a new mum stressed and not coping

Because my baby probably wants boob in its mouth and at that age wants their parents. I'm not going to let my baby cry for my MIL gratification just so they can play Mummy or demonstrate their skills to me. My Mother knows this and is happy to hand him back.

By precious do you mean 'has lactacting breasts which will sooth their own child instead of letting baby cry to gratify Grandparents desire to play Mum?'

Well, you certainly escalated that.

I don't think you sound petulant or self-absorbed or controlling or any of those things OP. You just sound a bit bewildered and you're getting a very harsh time here.

Im not quite at the point of expecting GC yet but I could get one at any moment, realistically, and your thread is really interesting to me. I'd never considered before what bonding with a GC would be like or how it would work. It makes sense that it's a slightly more removed or complicated business bonding at one remove, compared to bonding with a child who is completely reliant on you.

I can see it would be a very different experience taking a "team effort" multi generational approach compared to a more parents-only model.

I think it's partly that your own template from when yours were babies is just not helping you in this scenario. They're not using the team approach. So naturally you're having to reflect a bit and be patient.

But you don't sound as though you're doing anything wrong. In fact you sound incredible supportive. I'd have given my right arm for input like yours when mine were tiny.

I'm sure it will slowly improve.

Think it’s more worrying if mummies aren’t being precious over 4 mo babies personally.

op you are only ever an expert with your own dc, not anyone else’s including dgc. Stop putting the pressure on yourself. Enjoy that you can hand crying babies back. I honestly thought that was one of the joys of being a grandparent. Or so I’ve been getting told by my own dp and dpil for last 20 years!

one of the reasons my own dmil was never allowed to close to mine was the inherent criticism from her and dsil that because my eldest was quite a clingy baby was that I was doing something wrong. Don’t make that mistake. Just let it wash over you - the relationship will develop when everyone settles down more.

This is exactly what I was going to say

I agree with this, but about my nephew.

When my niece was born, she and I were an instant hit with each other. However, it came at a cost because her own mum (my sister) was really unwell with PND so my niece lived with us part time in the early weeks and months (I was still living with my parents at the time). I became very close with my niece very quickly, but she should have been with her mum and not me. My sister began to get better gradually took over her baby’s care, and that felt right. By the time my nephew came 4 years later, I was married and living in my own home with my husband. I didn’t see my nephew anywhere near as much when he was small because he arrived to a mother who was well this time and she wanted him with her and his sister. It took me ages before I felt I knew him and it did strike me that it was so different. I felt guilty and that he wouldn’t feel as loved by his wider family as his sister does. I was worried we wouldn’t get to know each other.

Well, I was wrong to be concerned. He’s every bit as loved as his sister and he knows it. He’s nearly 3 now and very much my little pal and brightens my day all the time. His entrance to the world was better for him though because he was always with his parents and sister and they cared for him. It was as it should be.

So what I’m saying OP @featu41 is just give it time, your grandson will know you and love you, but leave your daughter to get to know him first.