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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids, new partner and ex

111 replies

ConflictedDad · 29/07/2023 02:26

heyyyy… so, yes, I’m a dad (and thus, not technically a “mum”) but I feel this is really the best place to ask this.

my new partner is absolutely set against meeting my ex, which is something that after our break up a few years ago, we agreed to do. So I’m in a bit of an awkward situation in that I have agreed to introduce any new partner to my ex (in the agreement a few years ago) but am 5 months into what has become a stable, happy new relationship and would like to start discussing this with my kids (all are over 8) within the next month or so, and would of course inform my ex that I am planning to introduce new partner to kids.

my question is, though it genuinely upsets me to break an agreement, would I be being unreasonable to do this without ex and new partner meeting?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 29/07/2023 02:54

If she's not ready to meet your ex she's probably.not ready to meet your children and I can't say I think it's right after just 6 months either tbh.
Why don't you leave it for now but let ex know think it may be serious and will keep her in the loop when you think it's time to talk to the children about her.
That gives you and her a bit of breathing room and protects your children also.

ChiPawPrint · 29/07/2023 03:10

My husbands ex wanted to meet me and I refused. It's not natural setting up a specific meeting and it's unnecessary in my opinion. I understand you made an agreement but at the same time, you have to respect your new partners wishes.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 29/07/2023 03:10

TomatoSandwiches · 29/07/2023 02:54

If she's not ready to meet your ex she's probably.not ready to meet your children and I can't say I think it's right after just 6 months either tbh.
Why don't you leave it for now but let ex know think it may be serious and will keep her in the loop when you think it's time to talk to the children about her.
That gives you and her a bit of breathing room and protects your children also.

This is great advice.

Not sure why your new partner would be against meeting your ex. If she is to be in your children's lives she absolutely should be willing to do this. It's about the kids and their stability and making sure sure the adults in their lives have their best interests at heart. I'd proceed with caution here

Original poster
ConflictedDad · 29/07/2023 16:11

She’s not “not ready”, she has stated flat out that she will not, she doesn’t see the need to (her kids dad is not in the picture at all, in any way)

I know that legally there’s no obligation to do this, was just looking for a few outsider opinions from experience 😊

OP posts:
Nottodaythx · 29/07/2023 16:21

I think the important thing is, do you want her to meet your ex, will it help you move forward easier / better for your future life together? I would have expected my DP to meet my ex if he wanted to, ex was quite happy just to meet him in passing and naturally build a ‘relationship’

I asked to meet his partner for a coffee before she met the kids. I had a lot of respect for her just agreeing to. Situation was different tho as she was moving her DC to my kids school.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 16:30

I'm not sure I'd be introducing the children to her yet, especially if she holds such rude disregard for such an important person in their lives.

ChiPawPrint · 29/07/2023 16:36

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 16:30

I'm not sure I'd be introducing the children to her yet, especially if she holds such rude disregard for such an important person in their lives.

I wouldn't agree it's rude disregard, it's just completely unnatural and incessant to have a formal meeting with the ex. It makes some people very uncomfortable. It should just be allowed to happen naturally.

ChiPawPrint · 29/07/2023 16:36

Unnecessary not incessant 🤦‍♀️

RandomMess · 29/07/2023 16:40

I think it's weird I've met my ex new wife, sure I've met her and she's welcome in my home but it's bizarre to say we should have deliberately met up at some point before their relationship could continue. None of my business. Trusted him to be a decent parent.

Testina · 29/07/2023 16:41

It’s not a rude disregard. She just sees no need to be trotted out for the ex for absolutely no decent reason.

OP, this is the sort of thing that people say when they’re splitting up, because without actually thinking about it, it feels like you’re being all sensible and reasonable. What exactly does this meeting achieve? Your girlfriend has zero interest in small talk with your ex. Anything she needs to know about your kids can and should come from you. What are you going to do if your ex says, “actually, I didn’t like her”? You’re not going to drop her, or stop her meeting your children. Which you’re doing quite quickly in my opinion.

I met my children’s future stepmother at the school gates after she moved in with my ex and moved her children’s school! Before that, my children had spent weekends away with her, days out. What exactly would me meeting her have added to the situation?

Original poster
ConflictedDad · 29/07/2023 16:41

To me personally, I don’t think it makes a difference. It might make things a little easier and avoid an argument between me and my ex about it, but I don’t think forcing a meeting that one doesn’t want is either 1. An acceptable part of a relationship, or 2. Something that would create a positive natural relationship (though they’re very different, that may be unlikely anyway)

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2023 16:44

Whose feelings do you care more about? Your ex or your partner?

If she was dating would you hold to the agreement and try to insist on meeting her new bloke before tyres kids did?

Around 6 months is a perfectly normal time to introduce kids and new person. Leave it too long and you’re getting in too deep then realise she doesn’t like them or vice versa.

I strongly disagree that her not wanting to be vetted by your ex means she’s not ready to meet your kids. That’s ridiculous. She’s dating you, not your ex. She never has to officially meet your ex. That’s no reflection on her as a person or as a potential step mum.

Lilyt14 · 29/07/2023 16:44

I don’t think it’s necessary to introduce a new partner to the other parent, however I think you’re right to be concerned about not following through with the agreement, as it could negatively impact your Co-parenting relationship, especially if your ex has stuck has stuck to it and introduced a new partner to you? Also, was the agreement something that you were both always on board with? Or did one of you have to persuade the other?

If you are going to break the agreement, it’s probably best if you tell your ex asap that you are with somebody that you may want to introduce the children to in the future, but that they are not keep on meeting her first. Then wait a while to introduce the children. 5 months isn’t that long in my opinion, you’re probably still in the honeymoon phase so unless you can’t see your new girlfriend without introducing her to the children (ie you have the children almost all the time) then I would wait.

Testina · 29/07/2023 16:44

ConflictedDad · 29/07/2023 16:41

To me personally, I don’t think it makes a difference. It might make things a little easier and avoid an argument between me and my ex about it, but I don’t think forcing a meeting that one doesn’t want is either 1. An acceptable part of a relationship, or 2. Something that would create a positive natural relationship (though they’re very different, that may be unlikely anyway)

Then this is your problem. You agreed to something that even you don’t agree with, long before your girlfriend was around. And now your only reason for them to meet is to save you having to have a difficult conversation.

Please don’t be an arse and say, “she doesn’t want to meet you”. Say, “I don’t think it’s necessary.”

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 16:46

It's about respect and sticking by your agreement. Why can't new girlfriend do this, even if it's just for you?

Whatapickle07 · 29/07/2023 16:46

I've been with my partner for nearly 5 year's, met his ex maybe twice and for about 5 minutes. I've no real interest in being friends. We're always polite. But she judges me on how I am with her kid's, not if we can be best friend's.
I've no issue with her nor her with me. We just don't really cross paths much. However she knows she can pick kid's up or drop off to me. Or me to her. So I wouldn't judge your girlfriends ability to be a positive person in your kid's life on the fact she doesn't want to have a weird pressured formal meeting

Testina · 29/07/2023 16:47

FWIW, my children’s stepmother and I are very different people. We would not have liked each other “over a coffee”. So where would that have taken us?

Testina · 29/07/2023 16:48

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 16:46

It's about respect and sticking by your agreement. Why can't new girlfriend do this, even if it's just for you?

Why can’t he tell his ex that never thought it was necessary in the first place, and certainly not now - for his girlfriend?

ChiPawPrint · 29/07/2023 16:49

Testina · 29/07/2023 16:47

FWIW, my children’s stepmother and I are very different people. We would not have liked each other “over a coffee”. So where would that have taken us?

Same here. I actually don't like to be around my husbands ex. We are very different people and I just can't get on board with her ways.

Caprisunny · 29/07/2023 16:51

ConflictedDad · 29/07/2023 16:41

To me personally, I don’t think it makes a difference. It might make things a little easier and avoid an argument between me and my ex about it, but I don’t think forcing a meeting that one doesn’t want is either 1. An acceptable part of a relationship, or 2. Something that would create a positive natural relationship (though they’re very different, that may be unlikely anyway)

So you are essentially saying you want your partner to do something she doesn’t want to do and you don’t see any point in doing…..because your ex does want to.

Why did you agree to meeting each-others partners? What was the aim? What if you don’t like them? What questions are you asking? What information do you expect to get out of it? What difference does it make to the kids? What advantages does it bring to the kids, that their mum met their dads new girlfriend? Rather than just politely passing the time of day if they see eachother?

At the moment you have an agreement without really knowing or agreeing why you are doing it. You don’t see the point and your girlfriend doesn’t want to. But you want to avoid an argument with your ex?

Do you understand what they says to your girlfriend? That you will prioritise your exs feelings even if it’s something your girlfriend doesn’t want and you think is pointless and it doesn’t bring a benefit to the kids.

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/07/2023 16:52

Ok Dad. Your ex finds a new partner. He is going to be a prime adult in your children's lives. Do you really think that you don't have a right to meet this person?

ChiPawPrint · 29/07/2023 16:53

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 16:46

It's about respect and sticking by your agreement. Why can't new girlfriend do this, even if it's just for you?

Because it's weird and controlling to want to do this.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 16:53

Why can’t he tell his ex that never thought it was necessary in the first place, and certainly not now - for his girlfriend

Of course he can, and probably will do this.

It just seems odd, to me, that the girlfriend is so vehemently against the idea.

lunar1 · 29/07/2023 16:53

What do you think? And how would you feel if your ex went against this agreement?

If it's something you feel is important, then she's either not the one for you, or you just don't have her involved with your DC.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 16:54

Because it's weird and controlling to want to do this

Presumably OP didn't believe this when he made the original agreement?