Kids, new partner and ex

[ConflictedDad]

heyyyy… so, yes, I’m a dad (and thus, not technically a “mum”) but I feel this is really the best place to ask this.

my new partner is absolutely set against meeting my ex, which is something that after our break up a few years ago, we agreed to do. So I’m in a bit of an awkward situation in that I have agreed to introduce any new partner to my ex (in the agreement a few years ago) but am 5 months into what has become a stable, happy new relationship and would like to start discussing this with my kids (all are over 8) within the next month or so, and would of course inform my ex that I am planning to introduce new partner to kids.

my question is, though it genuinely upsets me to break an agreement, would I be being unreasonable to do this without ex and new partner meeting?

But unless there’s some backstory about the ex/bio Mum being a horrible person who is making or going to make the new partners life difficult I think that sounds bonkers.

Why wouldn’t all the adults involved in taking care of children that move between two households want to meet occasionally or at least be on smiling and nodding terms if you saw each other in the street.

For the first ten years or so I saw my DH’s ex briefly at handovers or when watching football games but we didn’t do much more than smile and say hi.

But being on at least smiling terms means that when DSD1 wanted to have all her ‘parents’ at her 18th birthday celebration it wasn’t awkward.

Six years later we could all have a pleasant picnic after DSD2’s university graduation.

Five years after that we could all meet and plan and share costs for DSD’s wedding without weirdness and stress.

Both my DSDs have said how much they appreciate that we can all get along and they never feel as though they have to pick sides or worry about upsetting anyone on special occasions because we can all be in the same space together pleasantly.

Now absolutely - some people have nightmare ex spouses, or nightmares new partners who could never get along.

But the OP hasn’t indicated that his ex is horrible or would be nasty in any way. Unless he’s been telling his new partner all sorts of terrible stories about the ex and that’s why she doesn’t want to meet her.

So there is already a power play in the relationship

when you get with someone who has children that are young the ex is also in some way part of the picture once the children are

If she can’t respect your your promises and your ex’s interests over her own children then I would move on or keep it just you and her

Your ex can't insist, but I do see why parents want to meet someone who is likely to be spending a lot of time with their children- it's a big step on all sides. I have a step child and makes no odds to me to be civil to his ex and to speak briefly at drop offs etc. Has she said why she is so against it? Do you think she's ready to meet the children?

Ive never met my ex’s wife, why would I want to associate with somebody with such poor judgement?

Well hopefully you've learnt a valuable lesson here - you and your ex are not the center of the universe with everyone else just being background characters you can control, you don't get to agree to things on behalf of somebody else, especially somebody you haven't even met yet. It's very arrogant.

Yes it's fine for you to introduce her without introducing her to the ex first, but you are free to discuss it with your ex first if you want to.

Surely if you are co-parenting then you have your DC for a maximum of 50% of the week, therefore why not just see your girlfriend when the kids aren't around and then there's no need to introduce her to either your DC or your ex.

If at the year point you're still together, you can reconsider then.

Exactly !

Goodness. I’ve never wanted to meet my exH’s second wife, but she was the OW, so maybe that’s colouring things? We’ve not met in 12 years.

I don’t think your agreement was very wise as it didn’t take into account the feelings of any new partner.

I wouldn't want to do this in your partner's shoes either. It sounds very awkward.

However, if I were you then I would potentially look at suggesting some sort of middle ground. Do you have a DC's birthday coming up? Could you do host a BBQ or have ex pop in on the day to say a quick hello? Obviously this would all need to be with your partner's agreement but it feels less clunky and awkward to me.

You can make an agreement that you will do something, but you can't make an agreement that a future partner will do something.

You're effectively telling your partner that her feelings are less important to you than those of your ex.

I met my ex husband's new partner before she met DC because I thought it was "the done thing" for the "best interests of the child". It was an utter waste of time and had zero effect on our future relationships.

However at this point, its trying to keep your side of the agreement IF your ex feels strongly about it just to keep the peace. If in 7 months your new partner won't budge, your ex can't enforce it.

@wordler “Why wouldn’t all the adults involved in taking care of children that move between two households want to meet occasionally or at least be on smiling and nodding terms if you saw each other in the street.”

You don’t need a deliberately contrived two household meeting to achieve the latter. First time I saw ex’s girlfriend at “my” school gates I said - “Carlos’s mum?” and she said, “yeah - Jake, right?” I said, “Hope he’s settling in OK?” and that was that. I see her more in the local Aldi really 🤣

What did we need to meet for? So I could tell her that Jake prefers potatoes mashed extra smooth? That’s his dad’s job 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because they're going to have an impact on your children's lives and the children should be the priority?

That could happen with your child in school?

or a holiday club. Or your ex partner could have a had a friend you don’t know baby sit or round for a meal and what changed if you meet them?

What would change if the person passes you on the street and you met them once?

Ok.

So you meet and then what? If you have no need to really see each other what next

They still have an impact on the child. That’s not improved by the meeting. How does the ex meeting the new partner, improve something for the kids. Especially where the ex and new partner won’t even meet on a regular occasion.

My friend has a pompous controlling arse who insisted on meeting her future boyfriends - and of course she said yes on the way out of the marriage to shut him up. Her boyfriend thought it was pointless but agreed for her. There followed a coffee where pompous arsehole lectured that the child was his “Princess” and he’d kill any man that would hurt her. My friend’s boyfriend was just 🤨 and said he was welcome to do a Clare’s Law application.

But that was exactly my point - who says it has to be some long special ‘meeting’ of two households. A quick hi, nice to meet you etc.

To me it’s more weird that the new partner has said they NEVER want to meet the ex. And those who say they have never met their exDH new partner in 10-15 years.

What about school plays, sports days, graduations, big birthdays, engagements, weddings, christenings, etc

Unless there is already conflict of some sort why wouldn’t you want to be on pleasant speaking terms with someone so involved in your child’s life / the parent of the child you are taking care of.

I can’t believe I’m such an outlier on this issue - I assumed most people would opt for harmony and good will.

So you've met all the teachers, TAs and lunchtime staff at your kids school? Because anyone of these could help your child with a meal. What about anyone else your ex brought around your children? You can't control that.

You can’t force a person to comply with an agreement they were never a party to. I think YANBU to plan to introduce your kids to your gf without this meeting happening. I wouldn’t like it either in your gf’s position, it indicates that your ex has a say or some kind of vetting role in your relationship that she just doesn’t have.

Is there conflict between you and your ex ? If there is don’t push the new partner to meet them . There is so much vitriol on MN aimed at step mum figures. It comes from somewhere.

It would be a nice thing for them to meet in passing but there is no need for more than that . My husbands ex was just horrible . It’s 20 years now and she never got any more grown up .

I think the issue potentially is how will she be if she's home, you're not and Mom needs to drop the kids over? How will she be if the kids have a celebration that they need you both at? Will she be polite or will she ignore her and pretend she doesn't exist? What if the kids talk about Mom to her?

Is it about not feeling she needs your ex's approval or wanting to whitewash the past so she's you're only ever true love?

Anyway, this is MN. Surely the point is you should never introduce another woman to her until the child are adults, and if you do date make sure she knows you can never have kids with her

OP, think long and hard about pushing this on a new partner.

She has every right to refuse this and to take it as a red flag.

If she posted on here and said her new boyfriend is pushing her to meet his ex, to humour her.....I would be saying....dump.

@Caprisunny and the kids know the adults are all ok with each other and it's safe to welcome the new partner into their lives without worrying about upsetting mom or be able to discuss homelife without upsetting dads new girlfriend

So why did you agree to it then? It was a stupid thing to agree to because you were committing somebody you were yet to even meet into doing something.

I would say no to this too, I am not going to be paraded in front of an ex, for what purpose exactly, is she going to be able to veto me?