Kids, new partner and ex

[ConflictedDad]

heyyyy… so, yes, I’m a dad (and thus, not technically a “mum”) but I feel this is really the best place to ask this.

my new partner is absolutely set against meeting my ex, which is something that after our break up a few years ago, we agreed to do. So I’m in a bit of an awkward situation in that I have agreed to introduce any new partner to my ex (in the agreement a few years ago) but am 5 months into what has become a stable, happy new relationship and would like to start discussing this with my kids (all are over 8) within the next month or so, and would of course inform my ex that I am planning to introduce new partner to kids.

my question is, though it genuinely upsets me to break an agreement, would I be being unreasonable to do this without ex and new partner meeting?

This is a really good point - as the new partner it’s not always easy to hear about or discuss your partner’s ex but being able to take about and discuss the whole blended family in each other’s presence does make it easier for the kids in the long run.

Absolutely ridiculously, grow a backbone and tell your ex there’s no need to have an agreement that isn’t natural, why does your partner need to meet your ex? What do you expect to happen? For them to be best buddies and get along? (Some people are this way, I usually find it’s the people who ALL actually agree to meeting up tho)

my husband’s ex had this attitude towards me, had to meet me first, we was together a year and I was on my way home from work asked what my husband was up to, he said he was on the park around the corner so I met him there he obviously had his girls with him and she went ballistic (this was after us meeting), some people can come across as extremely controlling.

she then got a partner and told the girls to lie and say he was a friend and to “not tell daddy”, the girls ended up having a breakdown refusing to go home to there mum because she caused something so unnecessary!

we’re all civil now, I was anyway, just dropped them off here and there etc, I said a quick hello and goodbye..

basically what I’m trying to say is sometimes these agreements are certainly not what’s best at all, if your ex bumps into your partner and they chat etc fair enough, why force it tho? It’s the children who end up stuck in the middle of it all.

your partner has every right to say if she’s not comfortable with it, her feelings should trump your exs feelings btw, If this was my friend in this situation I’d be telling her to run for the hills!

But why wouldn’t that just happen naturally?

why does that have to be set up before the partner can meet the children? What is the huge benefit to anyone for a quick, prearranged ‘hi how are you?’.

If the partner can’t meet the kids until this passing hello has happened, it has to be a prearrange meeting. When else would the ex and new partner bump into eachother, where there’s no kids involved?

I don't understand. Will your new girlfriend never come to your kids birthdays, school events or weddings? She can't avoid ex forever in a normal relationship.

Kids aren’t stupid. They can read body language. Seeing the adults be pleasant at pick or drop off, isn’t enough to fool them. They will be able to tell how the adults feel about the other household being mentioned. The new partner and ex don’t have to meet.

and the kids wouldn’t have even met the new partner at this meeting. What if the ex doesn’t like the new partner? That’s not going to help relations or improve anything for the kids.

If all the adults involved can’t act like adults and not be upset when someone else is mentioned, there’s a bigger problem.

A brief meeting of ex and new partner isn’t going to assure kids all is ok. What will is how they act the rest of the time. It actually could make it worse. Especially if one doesn’t like the other.

Again, a meeting isn’t required to ensure kids feel comfortable.

@Caprisunny have you grown up in a blended household?

I don't think the girlfriend is behaving like an adult here, to be honest.

I understand that you don't think it's important but I do and, more importantly, the OP and his ex agreed that it's what's best for their children.

This!

Naturally meeting each other, by both being present at a drop off/pick up, or both going to a sports day or something like that, is normal. Arranging a specific meeting, so your partner can be plonked in front of someone, for them to form a judgement on her, is not.

This is only ever a stipulation by controlling people, who think they have the right to "vet" and mark their territory ("MY kids and don't you forget it") instead of the correct way forward, which is to understand it's fuck all of their business and for their ex partner to exercise their own judgement.

You were a bit foolish back then to even entertain this nonsense OP, because you might have agreed to introduce someone, to keep the ex sweet, but you are making that agreement on behalf of someone else, and you can't tell people they need to do as your ex says, just because you agreed to something stupid on their behalf, years ago.

I don’t disagree with you - probably better for a casual meeting at a mutual event with the kids there than an awkward ‘vetting’ meeting but I was commenting more on the OP saying that the new partner never wants to meet the ex. And those who also commented that they’ve gone 10-15 years without meeting ex.

Perhaps OPs new partner isn’t thinking long term yet. In which case maybe don’t meet kids at all yet. But is she’s thinking longterm to moving in etc then it’s going to facilitate a better long term relationship to at least be open to meeting the kids’ mother.

lots of very helpful responses here, I’ll respond to later on when I can get on my PC.

just to note, I don’t believe I said that my partner has refused to EVER meet my ex, though from re reading it, I can see how that may have been implied when I said “flat out refused” - that’s my mistake and I apologise. She said she wouldn’t want to meet just for the sake of it, at a one on one meeting or at my exes house etc. at a party etc with other parents around would be fine with her.

It's all very well making the agreement between you and your ex, but it's an agreement that involves a third person who wasn't part of the agreement. Some may be ok with it and some may not, that's just the way it is. They don't have to go along with something that they never ageed to.

I think it is still too early to be introducing a new GF to your DC,

So buy time - work towards introductions somewhere between a year and 18months). Tell XP (maybe at about the 9 month point) that you think it may be serious and are thinking of introducing the DC some time next year. Listen to what she says. Pause and reflect on what she says.

Then find out (if she's not said upfront) how she sees your previous agreement to meet new GF before any introductions.

Don't badger your new GF about meeting the DC's DMum. Let the subject drop completely. I can see why she doesn't feel inclined to put herself forward for "ex inspection". In the longer run, it may however be better for everyone to have met. But setting immutable conditions isn't going to foster that going forwards.

I think it's laudable that you are trying to live up to your exact words. But think now is the time to slow down and, idc, negotiate carefully

Oh well in that case why not revisit the topic with your ex in a non confrontational way - she might find the idea as awkward as your new partner now it’s potentially a reality.

You might find her open to a more casual and organic first meeting as well.

She knows you have a new partner and the length and seriousness of the relationship?

What about school plays, sports days, graduations, big birthdays, engagements, weddings, christenings, etc

If your DSC are young, that's a long way down the line. I've never been to a school play or sports day, they don't do shared birthdays. I imagine I will one day attend weddings/christenings but then I can just meet her then if I have to, it's not something I feel the need to prepare for 20 odd years in advance.

Unless there is already conflict of some sort why wouldn’t you want to be on pleasant speaking terms with someone so involved in your child’s life / the parent of the child you are taking care of.

I'm intimately familiar with the other of DSS's parents. It's not so paramount to me that I feel the need to also know the other one.

@GoodChat “more importantly, the OP and his ex agreed that it's what's best for their children.”

That’s a bit of a reach! We have no idea whether OP’s ex requested it because they thought it was best for their children, or because she’s controlling, or simply because it seemed like the sort of thing people were supposed to say. We do know that the OP never thought it was best for their children - he just went along with it. Which might have been cos he was gutless, or didn’t take her seriously, or didn’t care either way. He doesn’t appear to care or to have put any thought into it at the time.

From the other side, I've gone 15 years without meeting any of my ex's partners. No interest to me whatsoever.

Yep. I did. I didn’t realise that we needed to prove life experiences to have an opinion. Can you give me your relationship CV?

I also have a dp and my children’s father is my ex. One of my kids is an adult. She has commented before that she is grateful there was no animosity between me and her Dad. I actually can’t stand him. She has no clue. She has never felt uncomfortable mentioning her dad in front of me or dp.

obviously you think it’s important. Or you wouldn’t be disagreeing with me.

The op and the ex agreed it (when they first split) but the Op doesn’t really understand the point or the aim of it. So if it’s pointless, it’s not for the benefit of the children. There hasn’t been one benefit that only the ex meeting the new partner produces, for kids listed.

If there’s no aim for the meeting and no desired outcome, the meeting won’t change anything, the Op doesn’t get the point, the girlfriend doesn’t want to and they can be polite and amicable without the meeting so the only person benefitting is the ex….but no one knows how she is benefitting.

I assumed op didn’t mean they would never ever meet. I just don’t see the point of a prearrange meeting so the ex can simply ‘clap eyes’ on the new partner for no reason other than to ‘clap eyes’ on them.

The Op has clarified since you posted and I can see now how you may have taken it as never meeting.

To be fair, I know plenty of people who haven’t met their partners ex. Parent evenings usually include only the parents. School plays often have limited seating so is only parents or grandparents. If the kids have hobbies it’s often a good time for the step parent/new partner to have time to themselves.

@Caprisunny sorry, I didn't mean that question to be snippy. I was just interested in understanding if your views were from the position of an adult navigating blended families or a child's experience.

Apologies if I offended you. I should have considered my wording better.

Yabu. I think its odd to engineer a meeting between them. I've been in a relationship several years, we both have kids, never met the ex wife but have met the kids. The ex wife has vaguely spoken to me and no issues between us, just no interest from either of us in meeting.

I don't think the relationship is viable if your new partner refuses ever to meet your children's mother. There are bound to be times they are together. If she can't cope with that then she's not suitable to be a step parent IMO.

Also as an ex wife I have zero interest in meeting my kids dads new partner. I trust him to choose someone decent, I have no interest in meeting them or knowing anything much about them.

I think treat your ex how you would like to be treated. She is the mother of your children. I'm sure you would feel more comfortable about a bloke spending time with your kids if youd met him.

New girlfriend doesnt need to meet the ex, but I think you draw the boundary that she doesnt get to meet the kids until she does.

Discuss with your ex. A compromise could be she comes with you to pick kids up when your going to introduce them and do a quick doorstep intro and handshake

In that case can't you engineer something where others are present? It doesn't have to mean going for coffee (that would be odd). Just somewhere your paths cross and you introduce them and then make your excuses after 5 minutes

Doesn't "get" to meet the kids? It's in his interest for her to meet them if he wants his relationship to progress, he'd be shooting himself in the foot.