Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Kids, new partner and ex

111 replies

ConflictedDad · 29/07/2023 02:26

heyyyy… so, yes, I’m a dad (and thus, not technically a “mum”) but I feel this is really the best place to ask this.

my new partner is absolutely set against meeting my ex, which is something that after our break up a few years ago, we agreed to do. So I’m in a bit of an awkward situation in that I have agreed to introduce any new partner to my ex (in the agreement a few years ago) but am 5 months into what has become a stable, happy new relationship and would like to start discussing this with my kids (all are over 8) within the next month or so, and would of course inform my ex that I am planning to introduce new partner to kids.

my question is, though it genuinely upsets me to break an agreement, would I be being unreasonable to do this without ex and new partner meeting?

OP posts:

carly2803 · 29/07/2023 20:43

thing is, as their mother I am sure she wants to meet the other woman who will be spending a lot of time with her kids too. So in your x's shoes I would want to meet her too

To go against this, would mabey cause conflict between x and you? not worth it

give it more time and try and get your new GF to see this point of view

Tapasgoofy · 29/07/2023 21:12

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 29/07/2023 18:41

I don't understand. Will your new girlfriend never come to your kids birthdays, school events or weddings? She can't avoid ex forever in a normal relationship.

Weddings are probably at least 20 years off so no point mentioning that.

No, not all step parents go to school events and birthday events also get done separately…. Split parents have the perks of 2 lots of birthdays.

Iv only ever seen my dsd mum once when she was in hospital and even then she went to the canteen when we arrived. Myself or my OH haven’t even seen her in person in over 6 years at least. They live in flats so DSD comes out on her own now and even when she was younger her mum used to buzz my OH in, send dsd out and he would end up meeting her half way on the stairs.

Shit for dsd yes but it is what it is.

Tapasgoofy · 29/07/2023 21:12

When dsd was in hospital I meant 😂

aSofaNearYou · 29/07/2023 21:40

carly2803 · 29/07/2023 20:43

thing is, as their mother I am sure she wants to meet the other woman who will be spending a lot of time with her kids too. So in your x's shoes I would want to meet her too

To go against this, would mabey cause conflict between x and you? not worth it

give it more time and try and get your new GF to see this point of view

She really isn't obliged to indulge this if she does not want to.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/07/2023 21:43

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/07/2023 16:52

Ok Dad. Your ex finds a new partner. He is going to be a prime adult in your children's lives. Do you really think that you don't have a right to meet this person?

No he doesn't have a 'right' he might have a strong preference but no right at all. That's what happens when two adults both have parental responsibility.

Op is your new gf refusing to do a formal intro (which might feel awkward) or to ever meet her? Will she hide indoors when your ex comes to collect them for example? Or will she be willing to meet in passing st some point if it arises naturally?

I wouldn't really like to have a set up meeting in either direction if I was the ex or new gf but I'd be curious of course - it's healthier for all ground rules etc to be agreed between the parents rather than the women

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/07/2023 21:45

wordler · 29/07/2023 17:05

I think it’s weird not to want to meet the parent of a child who will be in your care - or not to understand that a parent would want to meet an adult who will be sharing a house overnight with their young child.

A meeting doesn’t have to be a big deal - doesn’t have to even be very long.

In the future there will be potentially many occasions for the two of them to meet if the relationship is long term - unless you both don’t see long term future then why bother.

But the children won't be 'in her care' she hasn't met them yet and she'll be there as dads gf she's probably not wanting to zoom into the usual mums net role of step mum ending up as unpaid nanny

Wallywobbles · 30/07/2023 06:07

My ex is a truly vile person but he pretty much stuck to this and so did I. But it happened naturally.

11GrumpsaGrumping · 30/07/2023 10:23

My ex and my new BF met when me and new BF had been dating about six months. They met in a social situation that seemed natural as others were there, as was my son, and everyone involved was fine. For us it worked well; it was really important to my son that his father "liked" my new BF. I think otherwise he could have felt like he had to choose loyalty. Ex and BF have crossed paths a few times since and it's really nice all can get on.

BrawnWild · 31/07/2023 14:03

aSofaNearYou · 29/07/2023 19:47

Doesn't "get" to meet the kids? It's in his interest for her to meet them if he wants his relationship to progress, he'd be shooting himself in the foot.

Show quote history

Doesn't "get" to meet the kids.

She has every right to not want to meet the ex but he has as much right, and IMO, should, honour the promise he made his ex. So that is the natural outcome.

Presumably new girlfriend wont care? And if she doesnt, how serious is she? If she isnt serious then it's better she diesnt meet the kids.

EMUKE · 20/02/2024 00:18

Personally I’d just wait. Kids are still young and just the change in dynamics is unsettling. My awful dad did this and it’s was just awful. You can be a dad a few days a week and a partner the other few. If you are generally thinking this is long term what’s the rush. Maybe comment you have a partner and you’re going to do this and that this week. What are their plans and see if they ask any questions if not just leave it. I’d be questioning why the new GF is in a rush to meet them? Ex and NGF should meet first as it’s just respect. Even if it’s a “accidental” bumping into each other at the supermarket. Quick brief and easy asking as every agrees.

handfulofsugar · 20/02/2024 10:57

Zombie thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5