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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kids, new partner and ex

111 replies

ConflictedDad · 29/07/2023 02:26

heyyyy… so, yes, I’m a dad (and thus, not technically a “mum”) but I feel this is really the best place to ask this.

my new partner is absolutely set against meeting my ex, which is something that after our break up a few years ago, we agreed to do. So I’m in a bit of an awkward situation in that I have agreed to introduce any new partner to my ex (in the agreement a few years ago) but am 5 months into what has become a stable, happy new relationship and would like to start discussing this with my kids (all are over 8) within the next month or so, and would of course inform my ex that I am planning to introduce new partner to kids.

my question is, though it genuinely upsets me to break an agreement, would I be being unreasonable to do this without ex and new partner meeting?

OP posts:
ChiPawPrint · 29/07/2023 16:55

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 16:54

Because it's weird and controlling to want to do this

Presumably OP didn't believe this when he made the original agreement?

It comes across to me that this is something his ex wanted and he agreed with it so as to not rock the boat. I may be wrong though but that's the vibe I get.

Saying that, you can't make an agreement that involves another person without their consent to the agreement.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 17:01

I think if I'd made this agreement with my ex husband, out of mutual respect for each other at the time, but that my new partner didn't agree with it, I'd be questioning the security and maturity of my new partner if he can't get over himself.

It's obviously not about vetting, it's about at least clapping eyes on the person who may be spending a lot of time with my children, no?

GrumpyPanda · 29/07/2023 17:05

TomatoSandwiches · 29/07/2023 02:54

If she's not ready to meet your ex she's probably.not ready to meet your children and I can't say I think it's right after just 6 months either tbh.
Why don't you leave it for now but let ex know think it may be serious and will keep her in the loop when you think it's time to talk to the children about her.
That gives you and her a bit of breathing room and protects your children also.

Why? She's not obliged to undergo an inspection by the ex, she owes her nothing and OP doesn't need permission to introduce HIS kids to whomever he pleases.

wordler · 29/07/2023 17:05

I think it’s weird not to want to meet the parent of a child who will be in your care - or not to understand that a parent would want to meet an adult who will be sharing a house overnight with their young child.

A meeting doesn’t have to be a big deal - doesn’t have to even be very long.

In the future there will be potentially many occasions for the two of them to meet if the relationship is long term - unless you both don’t see long term future then why bother.

Marblessolveeverything · 29/07/2023 17:06

I think the agreement was a bit nieve. I haven't met my partners ex he hasn't met mine - no particular issue it just didn't need to happen.

I wouldn't be introducing anyone to my children until the relationship was very secure, we waited a year. It gave me and him confidence in meeting the Child/teens.

I would tell the ex you have rethought the agreement and have decided to go with what feels natural.

quietnightmare · 29/07/2023 17:08

She doesn't owe your ex a thing. If she doesn't want to meet your ex then good for her, she's going to need to have boundaries otherwise she's going to get the piss taken out of her by you and your ex. Also don't let your ex be controlling and hold you up to something your agreed that includes a third person. That third person is your new partner and she has free will and choice and doesn't need to be dictated to by you or your ex

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/07/2023 17:08

I'm with your ex. In time there will be shared occasions, being able to be polite to each other is by far the best thing for your young children. Refusing to meet first away from the children doesn't bode well to me.

Caprisunny · 29/07/2023 17:09

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 17:01

I think if I'd made this agreement with my ex husband, out of mutual respect for each other at the time, but that my new partner didn't agree with it, I'd be questioning the security and maturity of my new partner if he can't get over himself.

It's obviously not about vetting, it's about at least clapping eyes on the person who may be spending a lot of time with my children, no?

Why?

apart from satisfying the exs nosiness what does ‘at least clapping their eyes on them’ achieve.

What’s the aim?

ChiPawPrint · 29/07/2023 17:10

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/07/2023 17:08

I'm with your ex. In time there will be shared occasions, being able to be polite to each other is by far the best thing for your young children. Refusing to meet first away from the children doesn't bode well to me.

I've been with my husband 10 years and we don't have shared occasions. Our families are kept very separate.

jeaux90 · 29/07/2023 17:10

What is your ex going to do? Inspect her?

Utterly ridiculous.

It's too early to introduce the kids anyway. Leave it a while.

I only met my partners ex by accident a couple of times as I happened to be there when she dropped his son off.

NumberTheory · 29/07/2023 17:10

I don’t know what I think of an agreement to meet partners before they meet the kids. It seems unnecessary and sort of pointless until the moving in stage. But a flat out refusal to meet your children’s mother on principle seems very inflexible and isn’t conducive to supporting you as a father.

However stable the relationship seems, if she’s not prepared to put herself out the smallest bit to help you facilitate your relationship with your kids’ mother, is she a good fit as a partner?

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 17:10

You could walk past someone in the street and not know they'd helped give your child their dinner? I wouldn't like that.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 17:10

It's a courtesy, nothing more.

GoodChat · 29/07/2023 17:13

I think your partner should do this for you, as you made the agreement.

TwilightSkies · 29/07/2023 17:13

Is your girlfriend a bit emotionally immature? Or insecure?

Moveoverdarlin · 29/07/2023 17:14

I know plenty of women that are step-mums to kids and have been for ten plus years and have never met the kid’s biological Mother.

sentinent · 29/07/2023 17:14

1.Your ex might not still feel strongly about the agreement.

  1. If she does, it could be a very quick casual meet when you're fetching/dropping the children.
ChiPawPrint · 29/07/2023 17:14

TwilightSkies · 29/07/2023 17:13

Is your girlfriend a bit emotionally immature? Or insecure?

Because she doesn't want an inspection by the ex? Many women find that very odd and don't really want to be a part of it as there's no need.

Jzushsifkf · 29/07/2023 17:16

Tbh I don't think it even matters wether you think it's necessary or not for them to meet.

you made an agreement with the mother of your children you would both do this.

if you go back on your word now it's going to cause big issues with your kids mum. Is that really how you want things to go?

I think you will find the coming years much much easier to navigate if you and your children's mother are on the same side.

it's seems utterly ridiculous to effectively burn whatever positive relationship is there over someone you've known 5 months.

think about what's best for your children.

Tapasgoofy · 29/07/2023 17:22

TwilightSkies · 29/07/2023 17:13

Is your girlfriend a bit emotionally immature? Or insecure?

Not wanting to meet an ex doesn’t make you insecure or immature. What a stupid statement.

Sureaseggs44 · 29/07/2023 17:22

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/07/2023 16:52

Ok Dad. Your ex finds a new partner. He is going to be a prime adult in your children's lives. Do you really think that you don't have a right to meet this person?

This . How would you feel ?

no one has to be best buddies but in a way your lives are going to be intertwined by the children .

HundredMilesAnHour · 29/07/2023 17:23

Jzushsifkf · 29/07/2023 17:16

Tbh I don't think it even matters wether you think it's necessary or not for them to meet.

you made an agreement with the mother of your children you would both do this.

if you go back on your word now it's going to cause big issues with your kids mum. Is that really how you want things to go?

I think you will find the coming years much much easier to navigate if you and your children's mother are on the same side.

it's seems utterly ridiculous to effectively burn whatever positive relationship is there over someone you've known 5 months.

think about what's best for your children.

This.

You made an agreement with your children's mother. I assume you meant it at the time? Breaking it so soon is not good. I actually think 5 months is far too soon to be considering introducing your children to your new 'partner' anyway but her refusal to even given you an explanation why she won't meet your ex would be a red flag to me. Sometimes we have to do things we're not keen on for the sake of a harmonious relationship with the other co-parent. If your 'partner' is already "refusing flat out" I'd be questioning if she's 1)partner material and 2)understand that your children always need to come first.

Tapasgoofy · 29/07/2023 17:23

Why did you come to this agreement with an ex? It’s odd to promise her something when you had no idea what a new partner would want to do.

I agree with your GF btw.

Tapasgoofy · 29/07/2023 17:25

Moveoverdarlin · 29/07/2023 17:14

I know plenty of women that are step-mums to kids and have been for ten plus years and have never met the kid’s biological Mother.

Same. Iv been with my OH 15 years. Never met DSD mum as there was never any need.

ChiPawPrint · 29/07/2023 17:25

Tapasgoofy · 29/07/2023 17:23

Why did you come to this agreement with an ex? It’s odd to promise her something when you had no idea what a new partner would want to do.

I agree with your GF btw.

I agree with the GF too (well, I was in that spot myself) and it doesn't mean she lacks character or isn't a good partner as others have said. It just means she's uncomfortable with it and finds it very unnatural.

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