DS using grandmothers card

[TinyHorns]

DS visits his grandmother (his dad's mum) every day but Saturday. He will visit after work make sure she is ok help he with whatever she needs and on Sunday helps with garden bits etc. he's a good lad to her. He is 23. His grandmother does have the early start of dementia so I would consider her vulnerable even if she is independent and lives alone.

DS has recently used her card to purchase a new hoover, some bits from ikea and to pay for a repair on his car. I asked him if she had said he could use her cards and he just said "I always help her out" it was never a yes, which is obvious she hasn't. Spoke to his dad about it and he just says how it doesn't concern him and she wouldn't mind anyway as he does a lot for her.

I'm feeling really uneasy about this. His dad starts his pointless talk of how I should be prioritising my son and to stay out of being concerned for his mum but that's just him being bitter about our past relationship. AIBU to get involved?

It's theft.

This is not ok at all, I’d be livid at your DS, he’s taking advantage of an elderly woman, awful behaviour :(

I would be uneasy too.
I think you just need to make it very clear to him that he could get into trouble but ultimately at his age it’s his decision- but don’t bail him out if it goes tits up

It’s not Ok.

This is theft. He is stealing money from an elderly woman with dementia, and that is disgusting and exploitative. However much he ‘helps her out’ he has no right to treat himself to things using her money. It’s awful.

I know someone who did this and was charged with fraud.

Has her son got POA in place for her?

Oh gosh OP, I’d be very uncomfortable about this.
I don’t think you can ignore it.

This is financial abuse of a senior citizen. Doesn't matter that he helps her. He could get in serious trouble for this

Your son is a disgrace. I bet the loving grandson act would dry up if the card was confiscated. You should contact her bank.

This is fraud. I work in the fraud department of a bank and this is a very common occurrence but boils down to fraud.

God, can this be true?!

It's awful. It's theft. How can your 'good lad' son think it's ok?

I honestly agree and it's why it's so shocking. It's not something I'd consider of him at all, as I say, he has always been very kind and caring and always helped her. For the last 2 years he hasn't missed a day, apart from obviously the Saturdays he doesn't do anyway. Ex H says if he had said yes to her saying it's ok id have just moaned that she has dementia and can't agree to something like that anyway, so that's why he didn't say an outright yes.

Sorry, your dh tells you you should be "prioritising your son" in this situation?
What on earth does he mean by that??

It's not ok, its stealing.

Shame on the pair of them, op.

I am a lawyer and this is so true. This appalling behaviour needs to stop immediately.

I would be incredibly disappointed in my DS if I were you. I can't believe his father isn't!

He's a thief and his father's attitude is disgraceful.

I think I'd consider contacting adult safeguarding.

If she has said it's ok, would you agree that she is vulnerable and can't decide that anyway? My head is all over the place with it. I don't think it's right either way and my ex h is right in that I would have said exactly that but not sure it's any better anyway even if I'm holding on to that hope as it seems the better of the 2 bads

Depraved.

Even if he had asked her, it's still wrong. Why would a 23yo man be asking his Gran for money??

Your sons evaded the question when you asked; I think you already know the answer to this one.

It's theft, but he's obviously either justifying it to himself or his dad is justifying it to him. You need to sit your son down and have the conversation.

Either he wants to help her out because he's her grandson and he wants to make sure she's looked after or he thinks he should be compensated, in which case he doesn't just use her bank cards he goes down the route of carers allowance.

I feel for you, it must feel awful.

Of course he's still visiting her... so he can get her money.

I'd phone the bank and the police