Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Husband insisting on running race he has not trained for

122 replies

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 16:15

Husband has in the past signed up for adventure races but not really trained for same. He did this a lot when the children were small but I drew the line when I took a weekend off work so he could attend and run one he had barely trained for. At the same time I would find it very difficult to get the time to train for races etc as he would often stay in late in work (imo not always necessary) and did not enter several races as a result as I prefer to be prepared .

I told him I would never take annual leave again so he could do a race he had to arrange it himself.

Years later he has signed up for another one. He has been running maybe once a week for the last 5 months. He has run a max of 7k I think when the race itself is very hilly trail running and around 17k. It is quite challenging I have completed it myself before and know what training is required.

.

The reason I'm mostly miffed is that he did not tell me he signed up for the race. A friend told me he was doing it. He has arranged for his parents to come stay for the long weekend so they can mind the children as its a weekend I am working. I'm working nights that weekend. His parents are staying in our home and they are very noisy people. I tried previously to have them stay when I was working nights and it did not work I slept very poorly so asked my husband to not have them stay when I'm on nights again as it didn't work out.

My husband told me there is no alternative accommodation for them as everywhere is booked out . This is bot the case as I checked and there is alternative accommodation in a place that is reasonably priced that they have stayed in before and can stay in again. I confronted my husband about this and he said his parents told him there was no accommodation.

This is not the only time he has pulled selfish stunts like this. I really feel at the end of my tether and like my relationship could be over. I have considered ending it multiple times over the years but now I feel really used and upset. My husband is adamant that he will run the race and I work nights and shift work as it is easier for childcare and our family life. I enjoy my job but nights are very difficult for me and I have had some health implications form sleep deprivation and stress due to working this shift pattern.
AIBU to end my marriage over this.

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 28/07/2023 16:17

I'd get the parents to take your kids back to their place or insist your husband books accommodation for you to stay somewhere else!

EvilElsa · 28/07/2023 16:19

If it was this one occasion I'd say you were overeating and that he can run the race if he wants. It doesn't effect you if he fails and he has arranged childcare. Obviously there are a myriad of other issues though and this is the icing on the cake. If you don't love him and you've had enough then YANBU to end your marriage.

Thisismynewusername1 · 28/07/2023 16:21

the not training for races isn’t relevant. That’s up to him if he wants to enter races. You don’t get to tell him he has to train or you won’t allow it.

it’s arranging it round shifts and childcare you get a say in.

can’t the kids go to his parents?

Original poster

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 16:21

Sorry I wasn't clear. His parents live the other side of the country. I suggested the children go stay with them but he said no as he wants to spend time with his parents.
I have previously booked a b&b when we were getting work done on the house but I didn't sleep well. Hotels etc are very difficult to sleep in during the day I find.

OP posts:

MissesMorkan · 28/07/2023 16:22

YABU. You sound exhausted and strung out, and not in the headspace to make big decisions.

The fact that he’s facing injury etc from trying to do a challenging race he hasn’t trained for is on him. (A good friend of mine regularly does extreme ultramarathons and has had a spate of a very busy and involved work life and personal life, combined with injuries, which has meant he hasn’t finished several, but the experience is worthwhile for him.) I don’t think he needs to ask permission unless it involves a schedule clash or childcare problems, and he’s tried to solve the latter, even if you’re not happy with how. Perhaps he left alternative accommodation up to his parents and they did tell him there was nothing available.

I mean, it sounds like you have a lot of talking to do, but it doesn’t strike me as a marriage-ending thing in itself. Obviously, you’re the judge of that, though.

Original poster

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 16:24

He is allowed to enter races he hasn't trained for although I find it ridiculous behaviour. I had said I wouldn't take annual leave to accommodate it.

OP posts:

LubaLuca · 28/07/2023 16:25

On the face of it it doesn't seem like a marriage breaking mistake he's made - he's been a bit thoughtless and didn't bother to check what his parents told him.

The night shifts are affecting you as much as this event by the sounds of it.

Beachwalker66 · 28/07/2023 16:28

I don’t understand why the DC aren’t going to GPS. DH is going away to do a race, so he’s not going to be available to see them anyway.

Or he can take DC to ILS and see his family then.

You need to be more assertive about this.

VeridicalVagabond · 28/07/2023 16:28

You sound exhausted and it doesn't sound like you like your husband very much.

On the face of it if this were a single incident I'd say he's been a bit selfish and inconsiderate but it's not marriage ending. But if this is a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation then I don't think you're being unreasonable. If he has form for being selfish and inconsiderate I don't think it's unreasonable to throw the towel in.

Delatron · 28/07/2023 16:29

Can you leave his parents to it in your house and go book yourself in to a lovely hotel or cottage or something? You might get some nice peace and quiet.

You shouldn’t have to though- the inviting his parents to stay without consulting would annoy me far worse that the race.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/07/2023 16:29

Who cares if he wants to enter a race he didn’t train for. What’s the worst that happens, he doesn’t finish it? Unless it’s some weird post apocalyptic race where not finishing ends with dying. Then no big deal. Some people don’t like the training part and just want to participate in the race. They’re likely not going to do well but I’m guessing if they cared they would train.

You are moving the goalposts on him though. Fair enough when you said you wouldn’t take AL to cover for it. He’s not asking you to that this time. He’s found an alternative. Now you don’t like the alternative so want to tell him no. That’s where you are being unreasonable.

Original poster

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 16:29

I also worry about potential injury and the implications it has on increasing the burden of childcare, housework etc. Obviously I do the lions share already.

OP posts:

LDNH · 28/07/2023 16:29

To those saying he's arranged childcare, the arrangements he's made have a big impact on the OP. She clearly doesn't want them staying when she's working nights and after previous experience she's told him that cannot happen again.

He's being unreasonable and thoughtless, without consideration of how it will affect the OP.

I think you should remind him about not having in-laws to stay while you're on nights and that he has to find another solution that doesn't impact you in this way.

stayathomer · 28/07/2023 16:30

mys and dh used to do hilly runs every week ranging from 10k to 20k. We trained but not extremely regularly so your dh might be fine if a little sore after. Tbh his weekend sounds fab to me, getting to see your parents for the weekend and a run like that sounds great but I do get why you’re annoyed. Sorry you’re on nights though op x

catsnhats11 · 28/07/2023 16:31

Sounds like there are other issues and you're focusing on the race as an outlet, I'd get to the bottom of what they are as this race on it's own doesn't seem like a big deal.

ParisP · 28/07/2023 16:31

can you stay in an Airbnb?

Original poster

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 16:31

I did ask him to not have his parents stay over again when I'm working nights as its impossible to sleep with them here.
They are very loud people.

OP posts:

Original poster

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 16:33

I probably could. I'd try to look for a quiet one etc but I know it would be up to me to foot the cost.

OP posts:

Woman2023 · 28/07/2023 16:33

It does seem a bit daft and selfish of him. Do you get any time off work together? I think shifts so you work at different times seems quite appealing to avoid childcare costs but it does have its own problems. Night shifts might well be having a toll on family life as well as your health.

Threecacti · 28/07/2023 16:33

The fact he's running a race he hasn't trained for is irrelevant. If he'd trained and still made the same arrangement with his parents for the weekend, you'd be just as upset and inconvenienced.

It does seem very selfish - does he know what it's like working nights? Maybe book yourself into a nice hotel instead and leave them all to it?

UpaladderwatchingTV · 28/07/2023 16:34

It sounds to me like you're looking for an excuse to end your marriage OP, as otherwise I think you would be extremely unreasonable to do it over a race that he hasn't trained for, and accommodation for his parents. If it were just that, there's nothing to stop you picking up the phone, and telling his parents that them staying in your home while you're trying to sleep, in order to do your night shifts, simply isn't on. To me this just sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back, in which case, do whatever is necessary, and prepare to leave.

latetothefisting · 28/07/2023 16:34

I don't really see how the training issue is relevant - it sounds like he still does the race whether he trains for it or not, so he would still be away for the weekend and would still need someone to look after the kids? The fact that you think it's ridiculous to not train is neither here nor there. Ultimately unless he seriously injures himself as a result of not training, which you haven't mentioned as a factor, and is fairly unlikely, then him not completing the race or getting a rubbish time doesn't have any effect on you.

I can completely understand being annoyed that he's signed up for it and invited his parents around without telling you beforehand but I suppose in his mind you told him he had to sort it himself without you next time he wanted to do a race, he has sorted it, job done. If there is accommodation available I'd book that - given the parents are coming up to babysit and do him a favour he can pay for it, if they won't stay there you can. Stick some earplugs in, have a small glass of wine and if you're tired you'll sleep fine there.

If you don't want to do night shift work anymore then again I think it's fair enough to stop doing it.

Delatron · 28/07/2023 16:34

I think you are well within your rights to say no his parents can’t stay as you’ve explained it doesn’t work when you are in night.

He can do the race if he comes up with another solution.

Delatron · 28/07/2023 16:36

The obvious solution is to send them to his parents. He can’t have everything he wants at your expense. He wants to do the race and see his parents. Why doesn’t he drive the kids up and spend a day with them then and when he picks them up.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 28/07/2023 16:37

Can you just shuffle everyone out of the house at 8 and tell them not to be back before 4. Lock up on the inside and don't let them back in?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread