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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband insisting on running race he has not trained for

122 replies

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 16:15

Husband has in the past signed up for adventure races but not really trained for same. He did this a lot when the children were small but I drew the line when I took a weekend off work so he could attend and run one he had barely trained for. At the same time I would find it very difficult to get the time to train for races etc as he would often stay in late in work (imo not always necessary) and did not enter several races as a result as I prefer to be prepared .

I told him I would never take annual leave again so he could do a race he had to arrange it himself.

Years later he has signed up for another one. He has been running maybe once a week for the last 5 months. He has run a max of 7k I think when the race itself is very hilly trail running and around 17k. It is quite challenging I have completed it myself before and know what training is required.

.

The reason I'm mostly miffed is that he did not tell me he signed up for the race. A friend told me he was doing it. He has arranged for his parents to come stay for the long weekend so they can mind the children as its a weekend I am working. I'm working nights that weekend. His parents are staying in our home and they are very noisy people. I tried previously to have them stay when I was working nights and it did not work I slept very poorly so asked my husband to not have them stay when I'm on nights again as it didn't work out.

My husband told me there is no alternative accommodation for them as everywhere is booked out . This is bot the case as I checked and there is alternative accommodation in a place that is reasonably priced that they have stayed in before and can stay in again. I confronted my husband about this and he said his parents told him there was no accommodation.

This is not the only time he has pulled selfish stunts like this. I really feel at the end of my tether and like my relationship could be over. I have considered ending it multiple times over the years but now I feel really used and upset. My husband is adamant that he will run the race and I work nights and shift work as it is easier for childcare and our family life. I enjoy my job but nights are very difficult for me and I have had some health implications form sleep deprivation and stress due to working this shift pattern.
AIBU to end my marriage over this.

OP posts:

Original poster

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 18:04

@drpet49 @SnapBang maybe I don't like him that much anymore. I feel like he had been very selfish and unsupportive over the years. I'm not perfect but I really try to be supportive.

@Riapia what I meant was its selfish to do a race without preparing adequately as the risk of injury is increased. Its kind of a trail run, he hasn't run a trail in years. I understand that sport is not without its risks. But not preparing/training...
It's irresponsible behaviour imo.

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 28/07/2023 18:06

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 16:31

I did ask him to not have his parents stay over again when I'm working nights as its impossible to sleep with them here.
They are very loud people.

Tell them. Or he tells them.

What he's doing is very disrespectful of you and your relationship.

Sounds like you need a reset or your relationship will break down. I think you know this. Does he? Do either of you care if it ends?

generalexpert · 28/07/2023 18:15

If you can do 7k, you can do 17k. It's not that far, even with hills.

Let him enjoy his race and to spend time with his parents.

You sound exhausting, rather than exhausted.

Favouritefruits · 28/07/2023 18:20

Why do you need to go? My husband is doing ‘outlaw’ triathlon on Sunday, he left today and is due back on Tuesday, I’m not going, the kids aren’t going. Just leave him to it, if he messes up, he messes up?

Original poster

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 18:23

@GabriellaMontez I have asked him to tell them . He won't.
I think if I told him he is jeopardising our relationship he would back down. I have said I'm disappointed and i feel he is being incredibly selfish. But I don't want to have to say this every time I need him to be considerate to me. I have said it twice before. That I can't go on like this. And he has modified his behaviour. But it shouldn't take me telling him I'm leaving.

OP posts:

Original poster

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 18:30

@Favouritefruits I don't need to go. And i wont go. I went previously and took the children to cheer him on. But I need to sleep during the day when he is doing it as I'm working night shifts. And he will need someone to mind the children.

@generalexpert he lied to me about doing the race. He arranged for his parents to stay here for three nights even though it affects my sleep (and sanity tbh). He had promised me he wouldnt arrange for his parents to stay over again when im working as it didnt work out previously. My work can be very challenging, mentally and sometimes physically. I need to have the chance to have adequate sleep in order to be alert to work in a challenging environment.
Sorry if I exhausted you. Go have a lie down. 😏

OP posts:

Dombasle · 28/07/2023 18:34

The race and lack or training is somewhat irrelevant. He has decided to do something that means he can't look after the children whilst you are at work and has arranged childcare for his parents to travel a great distance to stay.

You are not happy about this arrangement because you work nights and during the day you are concerned that his parents will be noisy and disturb your sleep.

Both of you are within reason, him to do his activity and you to want childcare that isn't going to disturb you.

It's a hard one.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2023 19:20

If you're looking for a reason to end your marriage, you have ample right there.

But remember that anyone is entitled to leave a marriage for any reason or no reason at all if that marriage no longer makes them happy. Just be sure you end it as calmly as you can and do the best to shield the children from any acrimony and assure them that you both love them and always will.

GabriellaMontez · 28/07/2023 19:27

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 18:23

I totally understand. You want him to care. Without having to threaten him.

Tbh your night shift work sounds hard on you both. I would stop it.

Don't end your relationship lightly. It's hard being separated parents.

Littleoakhorn · 28/07/2023 19:40

So he’s booked a race and arranged for his parents to visit behind your back. He must have done that because he knew you wouldn’t like it. You’ll be working nights and you already know they’ll be noisy.

It sounds to me as though he doesn’t care that you’ll be hugely sleep deprived, he just wants to do his thing. YANBU.

Original poster

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 19:51

@AcrossthePond55
@GabriellaMontez
I think the only thing that's stopping me is how it would affect the children and the logistics of it all. I think it would affect the youngest hugely. I would probably have to move out. I have no family nearby. I would have to organise accommodation in an accommodation shortage. He would never move out.
@Littleoakhorn
This is it. No consideration or support a lot of the time. Unless I reach breaking point and beg for it. He does the bare minimum then.

OP posts:

PomTiddlyPom · 28/07/2023 20:05

YANBU, who signs up for something like this without telling their spouse?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2023 21:08

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 19:51

Children survive divorce and thrive. They've been doing so since the caveman days and will continue to survive long after we've colonized Mars. It's all in how it's handled and providing them the resources they need to 'acclimatize' to their new lives. What children do NOT thrive in is a home full of tension and a parent who is unhappy. You may think you can hide that, but you can't. Children are sensitive and intuitive little souls and they pick up on our emotions, even if they don't know how to 'digest' those sensations or what they actually mean. Better a child have two calm homes with each parent than a home full of tension and resentment with both parents.

As far as you having to leave and/or him refusing to leave, I suggest you seek legal advice. You don't know what your options may be. If you own/buying it could be that you buy him out, he buys you out, or the house gets sold. Don't just assume "Well he won't go so I must". Obviously in cases of abuse sometimes you just have to go to save your sanity or your life. But don't give up without knowing your options. A consultation with a good family solicitor is worth its weight in gold. Provide them with a picture of your family and the family finances and they can give you an idea of what divorce may mean to you.

Logistics can be worked out. If you are determined, you will find your way and any sacrifices in 'lifestyle' will be well worth the peace and freedom those sacrifices bring with them. Don't put an obstacle in front of your happiness as an excuse to stay where you are. Figuring out your finances and seeing a solicitor are the first 'logistics' to figure out. After that the rest may not be an easy walk in the park, but you will at least be able to find your way through the trees.

Thisismynewusername1 · 28/07/2023 21:13

PomTiddlyPom · 28/07/2023 20:05

YANBU, who signs up for something like this without telling their spouse?

Someone whose spouse gives them grief when they’ve signed up to things before, because the spouse lectures them on not having trained enough? And said if they don’t train they won’t support them and to find alternate childcare?

which is exactly what he did.

not saying it’s right, but making support conditional on doing it how you think it should be done is not right either.

o/p should get off his back about his training regimen and stop saying he can’t race unless she thinks he has done enough preparation, and he needs to find a better way to work around shifts and childcare.

when dh used to race he’d tell me which races he wanted to do, I’d sort work out or we’d arrange childcare. If it absolutely didn’t work he found a different race. His training I couldn’t give a fuck about as long as he wasn’t out everynight and weekend leaving me with the kids and housework.

InSpainTheRain · 28/07/2023 21:35

The race is irrelevant in my view. You fine a quiet hotel, he pays. DCs enjoy their GPs - happy days? Honestly you don't sound very accommodating and are focusing on the wrong things from your posts.

gingerguineapig · 28/07/2023 21:54

You can do all the training in the world and still get an injury. But even if he did injure himself it's unlikely to prevent him from doing his share around the house. Even if you are limping around, you can still do stuff.

However it is really stupid to do 7k training when the race is 17k.

But the bigger issue is the OP having to work nights that weekend. I'd put my foot down and say I was staying somewhere quiet to sleep and he can pay for it.

ValerieDoonican · 28/07/2023 22:04

He sounds selfish, stubborn and as though your needs are leas important to him than his wants. And from the sounds of it, he gets it from his parents. I'm not surprised you're furious, I would be incandescent.

GabriellaMontez · 28/07/2023 22:20

I have had some health implications form sleep deprivation and stress due to working this shift pattern.

Change your shift pattern. Make any bug decisions from a strong place and when you're not ill with sleep deprivation.

GabriellaMontez · 28/07/2023 22:26

*big

5foot5 · 28/07/2023 22:30

IndolentKnight · 28/07/2023 16:31

I did ask him to not have his parents stay over again when I'm working nights as its impossible to sleep with them here.
They are very loud people.

Have you tried asking them to keep the noise down while you are trying to sleep?

Get your DH to remind them?

Grumpy101 · 28/07/2023 23:53

I think the first step is for you to recognise you're making massive sacrifices for family life that are not appreciated. If you're not ready to leave, go for a 9-5 job, regain some sanity and make a plan.

He sounds massively selfish but you sound too exhausted to leave!

Chichimcgee · 28/07/2023 23:56

YABU regarding the training although if he injured himself I’m sure it will be you who has to pick the pieces up.
However, he has kept something from you, invited his parents to stay the weekend so he can do what he wants and not only didn’t ask you but didn’t even mention it, you had to find out from a friend? Thats truly horrible of him.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 28/07/2023 23:59

I would book myself into a hotel for the weekend. Not a cheap one either. One with room service!!!!!!

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 29/07/2023 00:01

Why are you paying half of the bills if you are limited in your working hours by doing the bulk of childcare?

Ladyj84 · 29/07/2023 00:11

You sound rather controlling, his choice if he wants to run not yours and he did sort child care regardless if you like it or not since you already previously said your not taking time off work. And the house surely is half and half so why can't his parents stay the weekend. You sound so unreasonable of this was my hubby is wouldn't have a problem with any of it

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