Husband insisting on running race he has not trained for

[IndolentKnight]

Husband has in the past signed up for adventure races but not really trained for same. He did this a lot when the children were small but I drew the line when I took a weekend off work so he could attend and run one he had barely trained for. At the same time I would find it very difficult to get the time to train for races etc as he would often stay in late in work (imo not always necessary) and did not enter several races as a result as I prefer to be prepared .

I told him I would never take annual leave again so he could do a race he had to arrange it himself.

Years later he has signed up for another one. He has been running maybe once a week for the last 5 months. He has run a max of 7k I think when the race itself is very hilly trail running and around 17k. It is quite challenging I have completed it myself before and know what training is required.

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The reason I'm mostly miffed is that he did not tell me he signed up for the race. A friend told me he was doing it. He has arranged for his parents to come stay for the long weekend so they can mind the children as its a weekend I am working. I'm working nights that weekend. His parents are staying in our home and they are very noisy people. I tried previously to have them stay when I was working nights and it did not work I slept very poorly so asked my husband to not have them stay when I'm on nights again as it didn't work out.

My husband told me there is no alternative accommodation for them as everywhere is booked out . This is bot the case as I checked and there is alternative accommodation in a place that is reasonably priced that they have stayed in before and can stay in again. I confronted my husband about this and he said his parents told him there was no accommodation.

This is not the only time he has pulled selfish stunts like this. I really feel at the end of my tether and like my relationship could be over. I have considered ending it multiple times over the years but now I feel really used and upset. My husband is adamant that he will run the race and I work nights and shift work as it is easier for childcare and our family life. I enjoy my job but nights are very difficult for me and I have had some health implications form sleep deprivation and stress due to working this shift pattern.
AIBU to end my marriage over this.

The night shift is very difficult but in a way less stressful than days. It pays well and it means we don't pay for childcare and I get to see my children more.
I have said I find his arrangements selfish and unacceptable. That I don't want his parents to stay and they need to find alternative accommodation. He has said no to all of the above.
I feel I would be more understanding if he had put time and commitment into training for the race. That it was important to him as he had trained for it. I can't understand why he wants to race without trying to train.

He said he would take his parents out for the day and ensure they are not here but I don't believe that will happen. He said he would do that previously and they came home because it was raining rather than find a cafe or something to spend some time in.

Do you think he wants to do the race because you have done it already and he can be 'beaten' by you ?

Sounds like he sabotages your training so that you can't be better than him.

I would just tell your DH you will stay in a hotel and he can pay. Thank god at least he has sorted childcare.

It does seem a bit daft and selfish of him. Do you get any time off work together? I think shifts so you work at different times seems quite appealing to avoid childcare costs but it does have its own problems. Night shifts might well be having a toll on family life as well as your health.

I can't understand why he wants to race without trying to train.

Possibly because he wants to be Billy Big Bollocks. After what you've written I understand why the not training is part of the issue for you.

OP he's done all of this behind your back. Entered the race and not told you, got his parents to come over without any word to you. It doesn't sound like he's on your team at all. I bet this isn't the only way he does his own thing with no regard for you. You say you do most of the housework, I bet you take the mental load - what does he do?

If I were you OP I'd let this race be the straw that broke the camel's back and this time go through with leaving. You might have to rethink your working hours but you won't have a selfish dead weight to deal with.

@Maggiesgirl He has done this race previously and had a better time than me - when he trained for it. I'm not a competitive person, I only want the satisfaction of having done it to my best ability, and improve on my previous time. He is quite competitive but I don't think he would do that. He is just quite selfish and could not see that it was important for me to prepare adequately. He doesn't always recognise my needs unless I sit down with him and make them very clear.

@Woman2023 We do get a lot of time together. I work a long weekend every other weekend and two short day shifts.

@Gymnopedie I do carry a lot of, sorry alll of the mental load. All the organising, admin etc.

Firstly, if you don't want to work nights and it's impacting on your health then find a new job. Boohoo if your DH doesn't like it.

Secondly, he has kept the race a secret because he knows you won't like the childcare set-up. I would insist that the in laws are out for the whole day. Get your DH to plan some children's activities (farm park etc) and for him to let the in laws know it will be the case.

@Curseofthenation I have thought about it and want to stay for one more year until my youngest is in secondary school. Although we live rurally and it would be difficult to get something that pays as well .

You can’t really complain you told him if he did another one he’d have to arrange childcare and he has.

Not training much for a 17k race isn’t a big de if he’s generally fit. I could run 17k right now and I haven’t run for a couple of weeks.

The training is irrelevant. Testosterone I’ve found seems to help men a lot in terms of completing races that they are untrained for- he has sorted childcare. It is totally possible for you to book a hotel that will be quiet. It must be. Unless there is something you’re not saying. Even most Travelodges are ok, cheap and ear plugs are a godsend.

@ActDottie I had asked him not to have his parents stay over again when I'm working nights. I had given them a chane before and it didn't work out. His parents can afford to stay else where. They regularly go away for a weekend/ week, at least once a month.

@MaggieBsBoat My husband won't pay for accommodation for me. I will have to pay it. Hotels etc could be at least 400 euro for a weekend.

I think you’re finding fault when really you’re just irritated by his attitude and Laisser-faire perception of racing and training.
Ive run hundreds of races including hill ultras and marathons and know i have felt that way myself when my husband has rocked up to something on the day. And got a better time than me.

Even a hilly 17k would be over in two hours. Allowing for travel and registration you're still talking half a day??

He could walk it if he isn't fit enough to run the whole thing.

Sorry but I do think it is very dramatic to end the marriage over this. He's booked childcare.

I'm not saying it isn't annoying but l think friends family and the kids will want a better explanation than this because it shouldn't be a marriage ending incident

Hmmm well that’s not on, but surely the payment comes out of the joint account? You’re married right? Where did his race fee come from? The race is for his benefit. you sleeping at night is for yours.

Seriously? The DH is entirely entitled to have guests when you are on nights. DH is a paramedic, half his shifts are nights. The other residents of the house can't put their lives on hold for him. He wears earplugs because he is not the only person who lives in the house and asking us to walk on egg shells around his sleeping patterns would be completely bananas.

@MaggieBsBoat We pay all bills, household expenses out of the joint account. We have separate accounts of our own for our own spending. I find a joint account and not having separate accounts archaic but I suppose that is not what us up for discussion today. My husband is not good with money so I would never share all accounts with him, but once he puts money into the joint account to cover half of everything he can do what he wants with his money.

I notice you didn't respond to my post OP, is this race and asking his parents to stay, the last nail in the coffin of a marriage that is already past it's sell by date? As otherwise I do think you're overreacting,

@Somanycats I work these shifts to facilitate our family life. I could work a nine to five and have the children in childcare, pay huge childcare costs etc. I do expect some consideration when I am sleeping. Husband can arrange to have guests over two weekends of the month when I'm not working. I have taken annual leave before to facilitate his family and friends staying over. I have no problem with some people coming over but his parents are very noisy. To the point of going upstairs to the guest bedroom and taking (loud ) phonecalls in the room next to me, instead of elsewhere, banging doors etc.

Your husband is allowed to run whatever races he wants, with or without training.

Your home is also his home and your children are also his children. That makes the issue of his parents coming to stay more tricky. You are being unreasonable in not allowing them to stay, your husband is being unreasonable in not arranging it with you first.

honestly, it sounds as though you just don’t like him that much.

This. You sound quite sneery about your husband. Doesn’t sound like you even like him.

So at last we have the real reason for your concern for his welfare.