Husband insisting on running race he has not trained for

[IndolentKnight]

Husband has in the past signed up for adventure races but not really trained for same. He did this a lot when the children were small but I drew the line when I took a weekend off work so he could attend and run one he had barely trained for. At the same time I would find it very difficult to get the time to train for races etc as he would often stay in late in work (imo not always necessary) and did not enter several races as a result as I prefer to be prepared .

I told him I would never take annual leave again so he could do a race he had to arrange it himself.

Years later he has signed up for another one. He has been running maybe once a week for the last 5 months. He has run a max of 7k I think when the race itself is very hilly trail running and around 17k. It is quite challenging I have completed it myself before and know what training is required.

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The reason I'm mostly miffed is that he did not tell me he signed up for the race. A friend told me he was doing it. He has arranged for his parents to come stay for the long weekend so they can mind the children as its a weekend I am working. I'm working nights that weekend. His parents are staying in our home and they are very noisy people. I tried previously to have them stay when I was working nights and it did not work I slept very poorly so asked my husband to not have them stay when I'm on nights again as it didn't work out.

My husband told me there is no alternative accommodation for them as everywhere is booked out . This is bot the case as I checked and there is alternative accommodation in a place that is reasonably priced that they have stayed in before and can stay in again. I confronted my husband about this and he said his parents told him there was no accommodation.

This is not the only time he has pulled selfish stunts like this. I really feel at the end of my tether and like my relationship could be over. I have considered ending it multiple times over the years but now I feel really used and upset. My husband is adamant that he will run the race and I work nights and shift work as it is easier for childcare and our family life. I enjoy my job but nights are very difficult for me and I have had some health implications form sleep deprivation and stress due to working this shift pattern.
AIBU to end my marriage over this.

Is no one else noticing that Youngest DC ie only one year away from High School?

Which implies the other(s) are in Secondary already. How much childcare do they need?!

Sounds like you are using them as an excuse to stay in a job which, by your own admission, isn't good for your health.

And that you don't like your DH. Are you giving him this attitude too? You asked him to sort childcare next time he did a race. Which he did. You sound very controlling tbh.

If you really can't stand him as much as it sounds then leave.

@Ladyj84
so if your husbands friend said ‘hope MrJ84 has a great time at the weekend fishing/camping/city break’ you’d be fine? Doesn’t matter that he didn’t tell you, didn’t ask, didn’t talk about it. Just got your in-laws to come round and swanned off without a word?

Can't believe how many people are saying the OP is being unreasonable because her DH organised the childcare. She doesn't want the grandparents staying when she's working nights. The DH knows this but organised it anyway!

Plus, beyond the grandparents disturbing her sleep, having house guests is extra strain for the OP that the DH won't have to deal with because he won't be there (setting up spare beds, towels, extra laundry, meals, making polite conversation when you're exhausted). He's selfish.

He is trying to do what you asked here ... sort out childcare and ask parents to be out of the house.
I think there are other factors at play? Is this the last straw for you because in isolation it's really not so bad, just mildly irritating (especially if he ends up fine on the race!). Sounds like you are just annoyed with him though

There's obviously lots more going on here than we know. But on the face of it- asking his parents to be quieter and stay downstairs while you're asleep sounds like a plan.

@IndolentKnight I dont really understand this. The whole running training backstory is irrelevant.

But surely it’s a golden rule for everyone, that no one should ever be inviting anyone to stay in a shared home without discussing it with the cohabiter? I can’t see why anyone would think differently.

If this is a pattern from him then it feels very selfish, self centred and devaluing to you.

I think you have to suck it up this time and tell them to be out of the house between 8-4 , unless there is arterial bleeding or cardiac arrest , in which case they need to go to hospital.
I would then start to plan your exit, as it sounds like that is what you want to do.
Save, look for accommodation near the school, change jobs if need be.
Get organised to go. Take your time and leave when you are ready.
When he asks why the marriage is over, this is a perfect example to give him of his lack of consideration for you and your needs.
Good luck

Exactly this! It's nice having guests to stay, but (for me at least) I'm always a little on edge and can't properly relax because I'm the host. Even more so if the OP is trying to sleep between shifts! But the DH just dumped this on his wife (he won't have to deal with it!) so he can do what he wants.

Gonna go against the grain here and say the backstory is relevant. If you're used to doing sporting events it becomes a massive challenge to complete them once you have DC.
I think if you enter an event then you should prepare sufficiently for it - especially if you are using precious family time to do it.
My SIL ruined one event I did by 'joining me' and then not training. I'd trained hard and wanted to get a good time but she was so slow we ended up doing the shorter route to accommodate her lack of fitness.
Every run I talk about signing up to DH says 'oooh I'll do it to' and then he doesn't train...it undermines my efforts!
I expect OP feels like DH is undermining her efforts especially as she says she doesn't have time to train for her events because he monopolises her free time but then he won't take his own commitments seriously. That is annoying! I feel you OP!

I don’t think the training is irrelevant. Being inconvenienced and not consulted over something that is really important to your partner is one thing, but it’s far worse when it’s something they appear not to be putting themselves out for.

Agree that arranging the in-laws to come round without asking if that was ok is not a reasonable solution to the childcare issue either.

Op is the issue this weekend and this race or do you genuinely just not like or love your DH anymore.

I feel like the things you have mentioned (not prepping for a race/noisey in laws staying to care for kids) although annoying, are not relationship ending things.

I think if you have wider issues, or just don’t want to be with him
anymore that is the thing to sort out. Sounds like you have a plan for finishing the relationship anyway.

But he’s only done it because o/p refused to accommodate his races because in her opinion he didn’t train enough.

that’s why o/p is unreasonable. In the past she’s taken a/l or made adjustments, but has now said she won’t as he isn’t, in her opinion, training enough for races and if he wants to do it he has to sort childcare, or train “properly”.

so he sorted childcare 🤷‍♀️.

as pp pointed out anyway her children are all over 10 so how much “childcare” is needed?

Tbh I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. He’s arranged childcare as per your wishes, and it’s his lookout if he finds the race tough/DNF. You can wear earplugs and ILs can take DCs out in the daytime.

Stuff like this is a big part of our family life and we just make it work even if it’s not ideal (and I’ve always been a shift worker up until recently).

You said he did this years ago.
He will learn again the hardship of not training.

He will like seeing his parents; the kids will be with them all.

Insist upon a set time by which they are all out of the house for a straight eight hours or for the time it takes for you to sleep. Your husband might have to have a few things, as well as the race, organised for them to do.
Make plans to go out to dinner and ask DH to complete any pressing chores before they leave and extra tasks involved with having his parents to stay..
The kids could stay in a holiday let with their grandparents if that is the best option.
If the kids are catered for, if you get your sleep and if the household chores are organised, how can this not be okay?

17k is not too much of an ask if he's regularly running 7k.

However, it sounds like his behaviour is a bit selfish.

This would be sensible but the DH is refusing to use a holiday let.
Hes saying it’s too bad if his night shift wife loses her sleep as he’s decided his parents are staying at the house

OP, it clear you don't like your H & no longer want to be with him.

That's the issue, so deal with it.

It's somewhat irritating & immature that he signs up to races when unprepared, and unfair he's having your parents to stay when they are disruptive, but they aren't relationship-ending issues.

He's not wrong in itself to invite his parents, and if their noise was the only issue, you'd deal with it by setting down clear boundaries about them staying.

Start having real conversations with your H & end the marriage if you're so unhappy.

Your youngest will soon be in Secondary School so your children will all be teenagers and be able to help out with practical tasks around the house and will not need childcare while you sleep.
This problem will be temporary.
Your life will become easier to arrange.
Even now, your husband could take the children to watch with other cheering folk and they would almost be fine without his parents.
You and your husband are about to have much more freedom now that your kids are older.

If a man had written your post about his DW, he would've had his bollocks handed to him on a string.

YABU.

You're massively overreacting.

Think of the impact of a separation on your kids. Over what, your in laws staying at a time you're working?

Come on OP, relax the control. If you were my partner, I'd be telling you to back off.

He shouldn't dump his parents on you without discussing it. But I don't think it's ok to tell a grown adult they can't run in a race if they want to, and it sounds as if you exert a lot of control over your household and attribute it to work and health. Actually you sound difficult to live with, and although I'm sure he is no prize pig either, I would not end a marriage over this without looking at my own expectations first.

Op I really understand where you are coming from, I used to do nights and remember the dread of not being able to sleep and the worry about how it would impact me. I think your husband definitely should not have asked his grandparents over. If hotels and alternative accommodation are not available then they need to be told to stay out between your sleeping hours and strictly not to come back. I think people who don't do nights cannot imagine the absolute horror of not being able to sleep in the day.

Hang on so all this drama is about who takes care of some teenagers/preteens for a day?? A half day max surely? While OP is in the house but sleeping?

Why do they need any looking after at all?!

OP just book a hotel with his debit card. Job done.

Blimey op you are very miserable. Can you imagine a happier life and work towards that?

You can't change over people so stop trying to put conditions on your husband. He must be pretty miserable too