Husband insisting on running race he has not trained for

[IndolentKnight]

Husband has in the past signed up for adventure races but not really trained for same. He did this a lot when the children were small but I drew the line when I took a weekend off work so he could attend and run one he had barely trained for. At the same time I would find it very difficult to get the time to train for races etc as he would often stay in late in work (imo not always necessary) and did not enter several races as a result as I prefer to be prepared .

I told him I would never take annual leave again so he could do a race he had to arrange it himself.

Years later he has signed up for another one. He has been running maybe once a week for the last 5 months. He has run a max of 7k I think when the race itself is very hilly trail running and around 17k. It is quite challenging I have completed it myself before and know what training is required.

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The reason I'm mostly miffed is that he did not tell me he signed up for the race. A friend told me he was doing it. He has arranged for his parents to come stay for the long weekend so they can mind the children as its a weekend I am working. I'm working nights that weekend. His parents are staying in our home and they are very noisy people. I tried previously to have them stay when I was working nights and it did not work I slept very poorly so asked my husband to not have them stay when I'm on nights again as it didn't work out.

My husband told me there is no alternative accommodation for them as everywhere is booked out . This is bot the case as I checked and there is alternative accommodation in a place that is reasonably priced that they have stayed in before and can stay in again. I confronted my husband about this and he said his parents told him there was no accommodation.

This is not the only time he has pulled selfish stunts like this. I really feel at the end of my tether and like my relationship could be over. I have considered ending it multiple times over the years but now I feel really used and upset. My husband is adamant that he will run the race and I work nights and shift work as it is easier for childcare and our family life. I enjoy my job but nights are very difficult for me and I have had some health implications form sleep deprivation and stress due to working this shift pattern.
AIBU to end my marriage over this.

I do nights so also know the need for sleep.

however o/p got exactly what she asked for. She said he had to train, or get childcare. He chose childcare.

it was her idea 🤷‍♀️.

He hasn't arranged childcare, he called his mum.

Arranging childcare involves arranging something which works for both parents, not just whining to the nearest relative with ovaries.

Read all the OP's posts. There is a lot more to this than one weekend - there is an OP who like many women has compromised her own lot to do the lion's share of household and family and is not even getting an equal share of the family income pot. She has a DH who does not consider her needs unless she sits him down and tells him and then just ignores them if it suits him.

That is not a partnership.

Oh how lucky, a cancellation has just come up enabling them to have other accommodation.! Book it. As to your h, leave him to it , make it clear if he gets injured or overtired due to lack of training you will not be available to bail him out.

@Thisismynewusername1 arranged childcare using an option he'd previous agreed not to due to the effects on her sleep doing nights!

Unfortunately you gave him an ultimatum way back and told him he had to sort things out for himself. He’s done exactly that.
Why didn’t he tell you he had entered? Maybe he knew what your reaction would be. He’s an adult and he can chose what he enters. He doesn’t need someone policing it for him. Ok, so he hasn’t trained and he may not complete it but that’s entirely his choice
It looks like he just can’t get it right!

I think this is difficult. He’s allowed to enter any race he chooses. This isn’t your decision. But he’s two rules. He has to sort child care, which he has done. And he’s also not allowed his parents in the house if you’re doing nights. They need to stay in a hotel.

I find it a bit much to be honest. I’d buy some ear plugs and try to compromise.

I wouldn’t be happy if I were the OP either, she’s working nights, I wouldn’t want guests staying over and disrupting my sleep either. I’d be booking them somewhere else to stay whether DH likes it or not.

To be fair though it’s not all about her, he has to have a life too. Marriage is about compromise, she can buy some decent ear plugs and just sleep through,

I feel like booking them somewhere to stay is the compromise.

One of our children has additional needs. They need supervision at the very least. I have tried various earplugs but I find they don't work very well. I think years of breastfeeding and waking up with children, (particularly being on alert for our child with additional needs ) means that I end up sleeping with one eye open almost. I earn slightly more than my husband. My job pays very well. He retrained in the last few years (with my support, financial as well as taking on most of the childcare, housework etc) as he was working whilst retraining so at the moment earns a little less than me. We don't live in the UK. So secondary school age is different here.

Have you spoken to his parents directly and asked them to find a hotel or take the kids to their home?

Good ear plugs and a sleeping pill can be really helpful for short term stuff like this - I do shifts too and unfortunately noise is part of life. You need to find strategies other than "the house has to be silent" because that's unsustainable.

I feel for one weekend where the parents are doing a favour, then ear plugs is a decent compromise. If every weekend different, but for an occasional thing, no I don’t feel making them stay in a hotel is a compromise. I think it’s all one way.

I would just book them into hotel and frame it like I had “solved his problem “ the lying git.

YABU about the race. YANBU about needing to sleep.

There are plenty of noises that ear plugs are powerless to prevent.

OP, book the hotel for yourself.

Sorry but I feel you are being unreasonable here.
You told him he needed to arrange the childcare next time and he has.
Sounds like it's your choice to work nights so that you get more time with the kids (and also less cost on childcare) this choice is the reason the parents staying over will impact you. Stay in a hotel if it bothers you so much.

They're not any old guests. They're her husband's parents. They gave birth and raised him. They're coming to help look after their grandchildren.

And OP chose to work nights. Its HER job. It's on her to make sure that her work is compatible with family life. And seeing extended family is normal family life as is having time for parents to do sports.

OP sounds incredibly controlling. She seems to think everyone needs to do things her way, or it's the highway. That's no way to live. I hope her partner is able to tell her enough is enough. If he wants to run an 17km run having only run 7km before this, that's on him. She doesn't get to control that.

If she wants to leave him, it could be a blessing in disguise for him, I suspect.

Sounds like your working pattern isnt working for the family. Perhaps you need to look at hours that allow everybody some greater flexibility. Working nights, if you struggle to sleep in the day when people are awake, doesn't sound like a sensible or sustainable option.

I would also see the GP about your sleeping. I breastfed for years and it's never caused me to sleep so lightly that I can't shut the door and have a sleep with others in the house.

Huge childcare costs does not line up with the youngest approaching secondary school age.

I think we have less than half a story to work with

If op was a man they would be called controlling

you don’t like the way he prepares for races. You said he needed to sort childcare in future but when he does it’s not right. N an earlier post you played the “I work hard and pay for most” card.

I was also thinking if the genders were reversed their would be an outcry of the husband being controlling.

I think the issue is more that you aren't working together as a team. You need to work together. The night shifts are taking a toll on the whole family, personally I wouldn't want to have to be quiet at home every other weekend.

I think you need to make some space to value each other again.

Op, cam I ask. Do you even like your husband?

reading your posts you keep telling everyone how martyred you are. Even literally telling us how supportive a wife you are, how you earn more than him, how you supported him financially, how you only work these shifts to see your children more, how you carry the full mental load, how you personally save the family childcare.

whilst telling us he has to sort childcare, he can’t be in the house, for two weekends a month you need silence to sleep during the day due to your challenging working environment, and completing ripping the man apart. Tight, selfish, a liar, lazy, unsupportive, irresponsible, idiotic.

you even judge him for doing this trail run, which is clearly an occasional and rare thing.

there is clearly no love here. You can’t even tolerate him. You do not come across as supportive. In fact irs you who comes across as selfish. He’s even offered to take his parents out as you need this silent house every second weekend. All he wants to do is this trail run and look at rhe war it’s created.

I think your marriage is over. I’m sorry. One of you will put an end to this utter miserable way of living, as no one can tolerate this for ever.