New mum, tell me it gets better?

[Meganlp]

My baby is nearly 3 months old and I’m still really struggling. Everything is so much effort still, I’ve pretty much given up going out as I don’t seem to have any time in the morning to get myself ready.

I don’t have much support around me, which is maybe making it harder. DH is great and does a lot, but he works away so isn’t always there to help. I feel like I can’t manage the days he isn’t here and end up crying and feeling so overwhelmed.

The baby will only nap on me during the day, if I put her down she’s awake and screaming within minutes. People keep telling me to ‘just put her down’ do I really just leave her screaming? I feel like I’m getting it all wrong and it’s not getting any easier.

I don’t know what my unreasonable is, I guess just wondering if this is normal?

Unfortunately was normal for me too! It did get better, every day and every week I found it easier. New challenges eg sleep, weaning etc but overall easier!

The only thing that got me through those times was going to a different baby group every day. I know you said you have given up going out but if there is any way you can get ready in the morning then this could really help. It just gives some pleasure back in your life and you often realise that the other mums are struggling too. It does get better!

Hi @Meganlp
I know how you're feeling, my baby is 9 months now, it does get better hun xx

I'm not sure it gets 'better' as such, but it changes, which means some people find particular stages easier/harder than others. You might find tiny babies hard but toddlers easy. Others find babies easy but toddlers hard. Nothing stays the same for very long though.

Getting out more will probably help - it really doesn't matter if you don't have make up on, or scruffy hair (they call it a mum bun for a reason 😂), non sicked on clothes and clean pants and anything else is a bonus.

Have you got a sling? That way you can be out and about what holding baby during naps.

For the first 6 months of my baby's life he had quite bad colic and screamed all. The. Time. To be honest I still feel bitter about my first experiences as a mother, I was surrounded by women with chill babies and my high needs colicky boy was not one. He's now nearly 10 months old and much, much better. He's caught nearly every lurgy at nursery but he's a chatty, happy chap. The first few months are HARD there's no getting around it, but it DOES get better. You are doing what you can to keep you and your baby happy and healthy and at that age, that's enough. Give yourself a break, you're doing amazing

It does. Pop her in the pram and rock her with your foot while you have a cuppa. There’s no law that says she needs to be in her cot.

Sorry, mine would only sleep on me during the day too. So yes, it is normal. That doesn’t mean it’s easy though.

Will she sleep in the pram? Mine took a long time to go to sleep but would eventually fall asleep in the pram. Never quite mastered getting the pram back into the house without him waking up though…

It gets better.
You’re within the normal range. Not all babies are like this but many are.
My first dd was the same as yours during the day but she slept through the night from early on so I wasn’t exhausted and had the resources to deal with it. My second was the opposite- self sufficient in the day but didn’t sleep at night.
The important thing is as other posters have said nothing stays the same forever.

Have you tried taking baby out in pram, that really helped me. I sympathise, we’ve all been there and somehow we do it all again. My first baby until slept each time for 25 minutes exactly, just enough time for a shower, brush teeth and a cup of tea. Next sleep I would have something to eat in peace, third I would also sleep.

I found things got easier around 20 weeks. Have you got a sling so she can nap in the sling while you go for a walk or get stuff done?

I had a bouncer in the bathroom I’d put my daughter in while I showered, brushed my teeth etc. Then I’d put her on the bed or floor when she was rolling while I got dressed

if you dont have yet get a baby bjorn bouncer chair and a baby carrier,my favourite is ergo omni range carriers.

cosleep with your baby you get more skeep together saves you getting up (make sure you do follow safe cosleeping rules check out lullaby trust website)

mum of 5 here,i wish i had known about BB chair and baby carriers with my first child.

Please don't be offended, OP, but have you done a mental health screening with your GP or health visitor? It sounds like you might benefit from a little additional support.

Yes, it really does get better.

The first bit is really, really hard.

Before I had my first DC I was at a posh wedding where two women were talking in the toilets about a third who was due to give birth. One said to the other 'Ithe thing is, it doesn't matter how much you want the baby, the first three months are always going to be utterly hellish, and the other agreed. But BOTH these women had maternity night nurses to do the night shift every night and never missed an hour of sleep!.....and they still thought that! It terrified me as I knew I didn't have the means for a maternity nurse!!

In retrospect, though, I'm glad I overheard it. As mainly all I'd heard was people saying things like 'you are in a little bubble of love' and not at all honest about it being hard.

Neither of mine would sleep if put down. At all. I found a sling very useful. Get up, change the baby, feed the baby, into the sling. Make my breakfast, get dressed, get baby's bag ready, leave house etc....get to where I wanted to go, baby out, change baby, feed baby, back in sling for me to eat etc....

I'd do random things like go to an art gallery, go to baby cinema, go to a baby singing group, yes I'm sure I looked a state and probably had twigs in my hair, but if I could get up, baby in sling, and get out of house, I could cope.

The danger for me was thinking i'm too tired, messy, fragile to go anywhere....that way is isolation and desperation....go out every day.

I’ve pretty much given up going out as I don’t seem to have any time in the morning to get myself ready.

You don't need to "get yourself ready". Spash cold water on your face. No makeup. Wear simplest clothes; jeans and t shirt; put baby in pram lying down (they don't need to be dressed up either; a baby grow and blanket are fine) and off you go. Walking and fresh air will do both of you a lot of good and baby will probably fall asleep in pram.

It is perfectly all right to leave a baby in its cot for 10 mins , even if its crying, while you do one of these quick jobs.

make a bottle
load the washing machine
go to the loo,
have a shower,

have a cup of tea,
eat a sandwich
phone a friend,
do a supermarket online order.

Yep it's HARD! Don't worry about crying we ALL have done it (I had a few meltdowns) I found it hard from newborn to about five months then something just changed I found my feet and routine and it became easier. As a pp said I find the toddler stage so much easier than the first couple of months. You'll find your feet eventually! Well done for being the best mummy you can be! Find what works for YOU and BABY everyone has their own ways promise it gets better
Xxx

Oh OP, it really does get better. You're right in the horrors now but it gets better when they're weaned, it gets easier when they start sleeping reliably through the night, then when they're reliably toilet trained. Then before you know it they're at school.

I remember that feeling of "I must be doing it all wrong" because I wasn't cherishing every moment...now I know I wasn't doing anything wrong, it's actually just really hard! I found it difficult to admit at the time because I thought I was supposed to feel "blessed" but I really didn't enjoy the baby stage. My youngest is 4.5 now and life is so much easier. He sleeps all night, we can leave the house spontaneously without having to pack a big bag, and I can leave him to playing happily while I have a shower, drink a coffee or get on with jobs.

Try to force yourself go get out each day, even if it's just for a short walk and do whatever you need to do to get enough sleep. This too shall pass.

I was finding it SO HARD at three months- my baby would also only sleep on me then (and in the pram to be fair, but only if it was constantly moving!). She would never nap in her cot. My advice is to wait until the 4 months sleep regression, then train her to go to sleep in her cot (not by leaving her- do shushing, patting, hand-holding, etc). That way she won't wake up thinking, "WTF? I was on mummy a minute ago!" We did that and it totally changed my life. It has also got a lot easier in other ways- I still do struggle but I'm so much less of a mess than I was at three months!

I promise you are not 'getting it wrong'- you are just finding it hard, and you are not alone in that, I promise!

Also maybe go into detail about what specific things you are fining hard? As I'm sure people will have great tips!

That must be so hard not leavubg the house and not having another adult for company in the evenings too. Getting out saved my sanity. It would be worth trying to get out everyday even if baby is cryibg for a couple of mins while you get ready. Otherwise it sounds very lonely :(

This sounds just like my first baby. The days are long, the years are short. You're also getting used to an entire lifestyle shift and that takes time. It does get easier. But it's still going to be tough for a bit.

I personally think cry it out is harsh on babies. With baby #2 it was much easier for me to accept this short time of her being attached to me. If you can, be easily on yourself about getting anything else done.

It gets easier.

Thanks everyone, I feel a bit less alone knowing I’m not the only person to be struggling.

Baby hates the carrier, I’ve tried numerous times, she went in it when was a tiny newborn but I don’t think she likes looking inwards. I could try it again just as she is getting sleeping and see if she will drop off in it. Same with pram, use to fall asleep in it but that’s very rare now, if I go out at nap time she cries on the walk, or if she does drop off she’ll only stay asleep for a really short time.

@Loobydoobies thanks I’m not offended I have wondered a few times if there is more going on but I can’t tell if how I’m feeling is normal and I’ll adjust or whether it’s more. I really don’t know. I did speak to Dr at 6 week check but she said it was normal to be ‘teary’

@2mummies1baby thank you, your message has made me feel better.
Main things I’m struggling with

• Not enough time for anything by the time she’s been changed, fed, winded and done some form of play it’s time for her to sleep again. I don’t know when I’m meant to eat or get ready? DH is away today and I’ve not had a proper meal.
• I’m still not used to the crying, she barely cried at first but now anytime she does I panic.
• Cries in the car, I chat and sing constantly on every journey so she can hear me but it makes no difference. I end up pulling over and having to sit in the back for 30 mins calming her down as she will be hysterical and at the point of gasping for breath. Probably why I’ve stopped going anywhere, I ended up coming home crying after every journey.
• Will only sleep on me in the day, I can end up sitting on the sofa for 6+ hours, I try to get through it the best I can but it is so lonely, especially when DH is away.
• I think I’m also just feeling generally quite guilty that I’m not loving it. I obviously love her and think she’s the best thing ever, but I don’t feel like I’ve taken to motherhood and don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job. As above, surely I’m just getting those things wrong.
• I also have a very unsupportive mum who had 3 perfect babies who didn’t cry, didn’t make a fuss etc. she’s told me numerous times I’ve made a rod for my own back because I cuddled baby when she was first born and now won’t be put down.

Sorry a bit of an essay !

Honestly, the first 6 months are hell. It does get 'easier' - hang in there!

Once she's gone to sleep on you could you slip her into a moses basket/carry cot kept ready next to you on the sofa and quietly get on with stuff?

She'll wake up and holler obvs, the first time, but if you're there quickly smiling and ready to pick her up she'll get used to waking up in it and all being well. Then - fingers crossed - she might go to sleep in it.

Use it for just putting her down and leaning in for a play as well, picking her out before she cries or gets bored, not just naps. She'll not associate it with 'being left' then.

Plus - it will get better. Every thing changes with kids. Time flies and then they're past this stage and wandering round the house!!

And don't feel guilty. I HATE the first 2/3 months. (i've got 4)

This is a very short stage in life. Do what ever it takes to get through it and you'll be though it in no time