New mum, tell me it gets better?

[Meganlp]

My baby is nearly 3 months old and I’m still really struggling. Everything is so much effort still, I’ve pretty much given up going out as I don’t seem to have any time in the morning to get myself ready.

I don’t have much support around me, which is maybe making it harder. DH is great and does a lot, but he works away so isn’t always there to help. I feel like I can’t manage the days he isn’t here and end up crying and feeling so overwhelmed.

The baby will only nap on me during the day, if I put her down she’s awake and screaming within minutes. People keep telling me to ‘just put her down’ do I really just leave her screaming? I feel like I’m getting it all wrong and it’s not getting any easier.

I don’t know what my unreasonable is, I guess just wondering if this is normal?

Re: the getting her off you and into a basket/nest - i used to have to do this with one of mine for a while and when it was nap time i'd sit almost laying flat in the chair with her on my chest ready to roll her off and into the basket 🙄😂 It took practice but i got good at it after a while.

• Not enough time for anything by the time she’s been changed, fed, winded and done some form of play it’s time for her to sleep again. I don’t know when I’m meant to eat or get ready? DH is away today and I’ve not had a proper meal.

I know it's easier said than done, but you must prioritise eating. When she's next asleep on you, do an online shop of food which is really easy to throw together into a meal/requires v little prep. Lots of healthy and unhealthy snacks too (you need both!). Likewise, basic getting ready (shower, teeth brushed, clean clothes) was a massive priority for me, mental health wise. Does your baby have a bouncy chair she can go in while you eat/get ready? Mine is was usually happy just watching me, but if she got upset, I would put on a 5 minute YouTube video for her- not ideal, but needs must!

• I’m still not used to the crying, she barely cried at first but now anytime she does I panic.

Mine was exactly the same (barely cried for the first 6 weeks, then bloody hell, did she make up for it!), and I reacted exactly the same as you! I really do understand how hard it is. It does get easier- she will cry less, and you will also toughen up slightly.

• Cries in the car, I chat and sing constantly on every journey so she can hear me but it makes no difference. I end up pulling over and having to sit in the back for 30 mins calming her down as she will be hysterical and at the point of gasping for breath. Probably why I’ve stopped going anywhere, I ended up coming home crying after every journey.

I don't drive so I can't suggest ways to help here, sorry! Can you find places to go which are in walking distance/try the bus or train?

• Will only sleep on me in the day, I can end up sitting on the sofa for 6+ hours, I try to get through it the best I can but it is so lonely, especially when DH is away.

I used to find this so hard too. I found audiobooks and podcasts were my saving grace. The Parenting Hell podcast made me feel so much less alone and helped me rediscover my sense of humour, which I lost for a while! Once woke up my baby because I burst out laughing- she was not impressed!

• I think I’m also just feeling generally quite guilty that I’m not loving it. I obviously love her and think she’s the best thing ever, but I don’t feel like I’ve taken to motherhood and don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job. As above, surely I’m just getting those things wrong.

I felt this 100%. I'd wanted children my whole life, spent over a year and thousands of pounds (IVF) getting pregnant, and I just felt awful that I wasn't loving every second. I am far kinder to myself now- not sure how/when that happened, I think it's just a process you have to go through. I promise you, you are not the first woman to feel like that, and you won't be the last! Motherhood is a massive learning curve and it takes a very long time to get used to it- I'm still not, at all, but I'm 5 months on from where you are and finding it so much easier.

• I also have a very unsupportive mum who had 3 perfect babies who didn’t cry, didn’t make a fuss etc. she’s told me numerous times I’ve made a rod for my own back because I cuddled baby when she was first born and now won’t be put down.

Bloody hell, that's incredibly unhelpful. I'm so sorry. Is there anyone else you can talk to who will be more sympathetic?

It WILL get easier, I promise. I would definitely do as @Loobydoobies said and contact your GP- I was so anxious that I ended up increasing the dose of anti-depressant I was already on, which I think helped. I also had a couple of counselling sessions through my GP which were also very beneficial.

@Laiste 😂😂 that gave me a laugh.
I do try putting her down but she wakes up most of the time and that’s the end of the nap. Then she was getting overtired and night times became horrendous too. I’ll try putting her into the cot during the day for other things and see if that makes a difference. Thanks

@2mummies1baby honestly you have made me feel so much.
Mine is also an IVF baby. I feel like I should be so so grateful, which I am but it doesn’t override how hard it all is.

Will get bouncy chair out and start using it more! DH is off next week and he is going to come with me on train etc so I can ‘practice’. I’m too nervous about the crying to be in a confined public space.

Don’t really have anyone else. No friends have children yet. They check in every so often but I don’t feel like I can turn to any of them. I feel like I’ve lost every bit of confidence I had, I don’t even recognise myself to be honest.
Thanks, I will speak to doctor. Anxiety is quite bad, I am still waking up checking she’s breathing several times a night and terrified to walk downstairs incase I drop her. Thought it would have worn off by now.
But thank you will try everything you and everyone has suggested 🤞🏼

Don’t feel guilty for not enjoying it. I was also kept captive on the sofa by my tiny little tyrant.
I found maternity leave lonely and boring a lot of the time.

When she wakes up, feed, change, whatever then lay her on the changing mat/ floor and go and get yourself some food, go for a wee, etc. It’s okay if she cries for a few minutes.

Do you have a baby gym/ playmat? We had one with a flashing light thing that my DS was fascinated with, he loved lying there and looking at it.

Also my DS preferred the car seat attachment on the pram rather than the carrycot so he could look around - worth a try if yours attaches

Just remember the crying sounds louder to you as mum and anyone else. And most of the critical looks are from people like me <trying to do a supportive face but wrinkles make me look cross all the time>

Get dh to batch cook or buy in micro meals you like . And do try the sling again after a bit, my first hated it initially then I randomly tried it at 3-4 mth before chucking it and she seemed keen

The first months were crazy difficult for me. I was so sleep starved and couldn't get anything done. I don't even remember most of that time. Somehow I just got through them and then suddenly at around 8 months I just started feeling a bit better and as my baby grew I felt better and better. I felt it was easier to take care of her and I was actually doing a good job. She is 15.5m now and I absolutely love our days together but for that I need to sleep when she takes her only nap of the day. My biggest challenge in the beginning was eating as well and as I was breastfeeding it was stressing me out as I knew I need to eat enough. I made sure I cooked quick oven dishes to freezer which I then warmed up in microwave while I was holding her or she was in her bouncer for a short moment. I didn't make it to any baby groups as I was so exhausted all the time and that's something I regret now. I don't have family around and my husband was hardly at home so it was very lonely at times and sometimes I felt it was so unfair for me to be so stuck at home alone when everybody else's life seems to be continuing like before but those were just moments. What really helped me was when I learnt about wake windows. I started getting some sort of structure to our days and I could estimate when I could get some sleep as that helped me feel less overwhelmed. I know it's freaking hard but it's so worth it.

It definitely gets better. The first few months you are in combat mode, but as soon as they start laughing, moving around independently and developing their little personalities it is honestly so much fun. But I get it, those early days are HARD. I was terrified of being alone with mine when DH went back to work. Are your parents around? I take her to mine all the time. Baby clubs are great, any distractions really. I know it's super hard to get out the house sometimes but generally babies are much more happy out and about. It will get better I promise x

Nobody tells you that the first 6 months, give or take a few months, are a bit of a nightmare. Celebrate the little wins, getting out of the house, having a shower, doing tummy time. You just have to be creative in terms of getting ready. I used to sit baby in the car seat and take it into the bathroom while I showered, etc.

i found lots of wearing the baba out and lavender bedtime baths very helpful xx

could you record your heartbeat and put it in a teddy so she's hearing you? also put your perfume on it?

Sorry just read your update re your mum. So sorry she said that to you, I hope your know it's not true. In the future your baby will be so much more independent because she knows she is loved. Does she have reflux do you think? This was the problem with mine and there are solutions. Is she fussy/sick a lot after feeding? You could also try gripe water etc in case it's colic. Take advantage of your DH when he is around and catch up on as much sleep as possible x

You have a high needs baby. It gets better! I think you're absolutely amazing for managing with your husband being away - I only managed with our first son because my husband was an incredible support. You are doing SO well.

I'd really recommend the Facebook group The Beyond Sleep Training Project, there are loads of families with high needs babies on there (lots of contact nappers!) and you'll feel less alone. Our second son loves to sleep in his cot. He's two and we still can't believe it!

You could also do the infant sleep screening on the Evolutionary Parenting website, it's designed to flag up any possible causes of disturbed sleep (for example, allergies).

I would also REALLY recommend contacting your local sling library/carrying consultant as they will be able to troubleshoot her sling dislike with you. Lots of them will come to your home to do a consult if you find it hard to get out. Being hands free is amazing!

have you tried baby massage and baby swimming? Mine were knocked out by both lol

Try contacting a sling library to see if they can help you with the sling. It might be that you can try a different one, or you need a few tweaks in how you use it. I'm yet to meet a baby who is in a properly secured well fitting sling that refuses it. Often the baby isn't in tight enough, or high enough which leads to the baby feeling insecure.

The descriptions people give about being stuck, being hungry etc are alien to me - even with my colicky second, and I attribute that to the power of the sling.

If you get the hang of it, you are no longer stuck on the sofa. You can make a drink, snack, go to the loo, pop to the shop. If you are breastfeeding, your can even feed in it. Then being so cost t to you often reduces their crying as well, which helps.

@Meganlp I hear you OP. Mine is 10 weeks and I have similar challenges. I keep describing it as "brutal" because that's how it feels. Actually the whole family have had Covid this week and it's been great as my DP has been home with me which makes life so much easier even tho we're ill.

When DS naps regularly my life gets better but I have no ability to get him to sleep (other than the car so reading your post I see I am lucky that works) so it's just luck if it happens.

I have a few feeding issues and they want me to express between feeds but when?! I get about 7 minutes maybe when he's not feeding or asleep on me...I choose food over expressing milk but then feel like I'm letting DS down by not working harder at my milk supply.

I have occasionally managed to transition him from being asleep on me to the sling. But he goes absolutely nuts in the sling when he doesn't want to be there so it's a risk even trying!

I'm not sure if your budget but Cook do discounts for new families. Still pricey but decent food already cooked for you!

Yes the Baby bjorn bouncer is a total saviour. Sometimes he's started crying before I finish what I'm doing but at least he is safe.

Nothing to say other than that I feel and share your pain. Mine was also the result of a lot of IVF and a lot of heartache and I'm grateful for him but it is sooo hard!

there used to be a lovely lady on sky - the babywhisperer. I loved her book when my eldest was a baby.

this is her book

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/275966729544?chn=ps&norover=1&mkevt=1&mkrid=710-134428-41853-0&mkcid=2&mkscid=101&itemid=275966729544&targetid=602114963966&device=c&mktype=pla&googleloc=9046710&poi=&campaignid=10219897599&mkgroupid=103415893193&rlsatarget=pla-602114963966&abcId=1063846&merchantid=113114946

I feel like I should be so so grateful, which I am but it doesn’t override how hard it all is.

I’m too nervous about the crying to be in a confined public space.

I feel like I’ve lost every bit of confidence I had, I don’t even recognise myself to be honest.

All of these could have been written by me 5 months ago. It's really made me reflect on how much better I am coping now. I did take some proactive steps to feel better, but a lot of it was just time passing and the way my baby and I both naturally changed over that time. I feel very confident the same will happen for you, but do also do everything you can to make your life easier and protect your mental- and physical- health. Look after yourself so you can look after your baby!

the days are long but the years are quick. My eldest is 18 next year. He was a challenge. Still is in some ways.

Hi OP,

I've got a 10 weeker who also won't go down for a nap in the daytime, I know advice can be overwhelming but I thought I would share what I do to get her to settle in the sling/carrier.

Wait until she is asleep on you and has been for a little while so she's properly settled on you.

Lie her down on the bed or sofa, don't worry if she wakes up, just move slowly and quietly while you put the carrier on, and put her in it.

Dark room, while noise, take note of the time on your phone. Tell yourself you will give it 10 mins from now and if she is still wide awake at that point you will stop trying.

Then, shush, pat, walk, sway, jiggle, bounce. Over time you will find what they like. My baby sometimes cries for a minute or two and fights the carrier, push through that and they will likely drop off. Sometimes she will do the fighting thing twice with a gap in the middle. If they start really screaming then they may still be hungry or gassy.

The vast majority of times, my baby is asleep or very nearly asleep by 10 mins. Her blinks get longer then her head relaxes and you know you are on your way.

Not saying this will work for every baby but I wanted to share. Room being as dark as possible really helped.

Once she is asleep I can then get a few things done or at least make a cuppa!

@Meganlp definitely normal to be teary initially, but teary and overwhelmed could be a sign that it's worth exploring further :)

Also be kind to yourself- it's something we forget to do so easily!

Everything does get better, I promise! I look at my almost 4 year old and wonder how we got through the newborn stage followed by the long lockdown- but we did!

It does get better.
Also remember newborn developmental stages go so quickly, so if you try something like a sling and she doesn't like it, try again in 3-4 weeks.

The first few months are rough and doing it solo is so hard. But I promise you, you can do it and in a few weeks you'll feel more confident and settled.

Always remember, you can leave them to cry for 5 mins if they're safe. Pop her in her moses basket/cot/pram and have a wee, and eat some toast (and have a cry). I wouldn't recommend letting her cry for many minutes on end, but you need to have time to look after yourself.

I definitely recommend ready meals, sachets of pasta n sauce, instant noodles etc. Fed is best for you too, and a hot meal will do you a world of good when you're 6 hours into sofa time.

I have a four month old and after trying a few different things have found a fail safe formula for getting him off to sleep. Whether we're at home in his nest/Moses basket or out and about in his pram, I play white noise on my phone and put my phone near his head and then pop a dummy in his mouth. The white noise calms him down and the sucking on the dummy stops him crying. He's normally asleep within minutes. Like I said, it's taken a while to get to this point and took a few attempts to get him used to the dummy but everything feels more do-able now I know I can get him to nap when he's tired. (Rather than listen to him scream while he refuses to drop off!)

My kids are currently 19,17 and 12 and the newborn phase was well and truly the worst period of my life. It honestly does get better. I actually find it interesting when people complain about the terrible twos, the teenage years etc nope they were a piece of cake compared with the newborn stage for me.