New mum, tell me it gets better?

[Meganlp]

My baby is nearly 3 months old and I’m still really struggling. Everything is so much effort still, I’ve pretty much given up going out as I don’t seem to have any time in the morning to get myself ready.

I don’t have much support around me, which is maybe making it harder. DH is great and does a lot, but he works away so isn’t always there to help. I feel like I can’t manage the days he isn’t here and end up crying and feeling so overwhelmed.

The baby will only nap on me during the day, if I put her down she’s awake and screaming within minutes. People keep telling me to ‘just put her down’ do I really just leave her screaming? I feel like I’m getting it all wrong and it’s not getting any easier.

I don’t know what my unreasonable is, I guess just wondering if this is normal?

I promise it gets better. Calm yourself, relax and dont stress - I know its easy to say all this but the baby feels your stress.
Can you find baby groups - in my day there were things like Tumble Tots, Monkey Music, baby signing, baby swimming and just church toddler groups. I went out every morning to some activity which meant they were knackered when they came home. They slept for two hours!!
Also, baby massage. Take some olive oil and massage the baby before his/her bath. They love it, creates a great bond between you and baby, and hallelujah, makes them sleep better!!
And finally lots of eye contact!!
I promise you - the best is yet to come.

Blessed!
well done! 😊

@1mabon DFOD. Way to kick someone when they're down. No wonder mums are afraid to ask for help when attitudes like yours are still around.

This stage can be so hard but as others have said, it will pass. I would always try to understand why she might be crying (and appreciate it may be as simple as wanting to be attached to you because that's all she has known during your pregnancy). But, is she having full feeds or is she hungry when she wakes up again? I think sometimes they fall asleep and we think they are finished and we are so desperate to put them down to get stuff done, but if she is falling asleep whilst feeding it may be worth pausing the feed when you notice her drifting off to wind her maybe even change nappy so she wakes up and bit and then offer again - you may find she'll have more? Then also ensuring you've winded her fully, I couldn't put either of mine down until at least 20 mins of keeping them upright and winding them after a feed. During the day I used a sleepy head as I could keep an eye on them and they would sleep better/longer in there than in their crib.
Finally, I discovered that paying attention to wake windows really helps. You can search Google the ideal wake window for your baby's age and make sure you are not trying to get them to sleep too soon after they last woke up but also that they don't stay awake too long as they become overtired. This made a massive difference to getting mine to sleep for longer.
Good luck and you are doing great!!

Aww OP, it sounds tough. It does get better. My DS was the same. Would only sleep while being held, would wake before I even got a chance to put him down. A lot of mums advised a sling but unfortunately he hated that too! Would only sleep in a pram and only if I kept it moving. I did get a baby bouncer and popped it in the bathroom while I got a quick shower or popped it in the kitchen so I could make a cuppa/hang up the washing. Yes he was upset but he could see and hear me. It did help as I found I felt much better after a shower/something to eat. I didn’t get much done in the house at this time. What doesn’t help is that everyone kept mentioning the third trimester and that after 3 months they sleep better etc. Mine didn’t sleep better for quite some time but it does get better the more time that passes and also because you get more experienced! It’s actually amazing when I think back how quickly I learnt to do things with 1 hand. I went to a baby group once or twice a week too which helped as it’s nice to chat to other mums about your experiences. I found one that was community run and more relaxed than a pay as you go one, so if you’re not in the mood then it doesn’t matter if you miss one. Hang in there! Don’t ever think you’re the only one struggling, it’s bloody hard so reach out to friends/family where you can as well

I want to give you a massive hug.

It does get better. It really does. Take baby steps. Have a walk outside one day, a supermarket the next. The house work can wait. Let the baby nap on you (both mine did and now sleep fine in their own beds independently-in fact I co slept with my son until 5 months). One day you'll try their cot and they will nap in it. Or they won't. It doesn't matter. See it as you downtime and enjoy the snuggles. Nothing has to be done as you're doing what you need to do (raising a baby). With the greatest respect your mother is talking bllsht.

If you can manage it get on Mush or a post natal local site and see if you can find a few mum friends. It only takes one or two who you can meet with at the house and moan with 💕

There is no right way or wrong way of doing this. Love them, feed them, don't drop them. I promise (PROMISE) the rest will come. Just get through. Please feel free to DM if you need supoort.

Can I add please please speak to your health visitor. Tell her how you feel. If she will not listen speak to your GP. You sound like you need some love and support 💕 Be prepared though that Health visitors are 50% amazing and 50% useless so do not hesitate to push if you get a useless one.

I remember this well..... Its like hell isn't it. And you think it will never end but it does get better I promise. Agree with other who have posted about baby groups....it was a lifesaver for me when mine were little. Gave me a purpose for the day and made me feel less alone.

Just another mum here who definitely did NOT enjoy the baby stage and now looks back at it thinking that I should have appreciated it (ahhh mum guilt). This isn't me telling you you should appreciate it now.. it's bloody hard when you're in it. But it will get easier and then you will (hopefully) look back on it see how far you've come.

I haven't read all the replies. But also to say it's OK if your baby cries sometimes. It's OK to go to baby groups and have a baby wailing the entire time (you will find solidarity with other mums and that will be a lifeline). It's OK to cry over it and it's OK to ask for help from the GP/HV.

Also, my baby loved sitting in a bouncer (you know those baby reclinery ones which they can use from very little) and watching the washing machine go around. I used to let her sit watching it whilst I decompressed.

My LO is four months and honestly baby groups and getting out the house is what has saved me! Dont worry about play each wake window - watching you clean, cook or get ready is all just as stimulating as “proper” play! Also it doesn’t matter if your baby makes it to the groups and falls asleep on you, baby groups are more for mums I firmly believe!

I wish I could reply to everyone separately because I am SO SO grateful for the time you have taken to respond to me. It means so much. I hope in years to come I can look back and be the one offering support to someone else.

I’ve rejigged things around the house tonight with the help of DH so I have somewhere to put her down in most rooms now. DH was quite annoyed that I’d not been managing to eat proper food most days, I don’t think he realised how bad it had got as I was trying put a brave face on. I have ordered some Cook meals for the days he isn’t here, thanks to the person who suggested them. I’ve got my kindle out and charged it up as well as my headphones so I can do other bits when baby is napping and I’ve made an appointment at a sling library for next week, hoping to find one baby likes or get help with ours incase im wearing it incorrectly.
Will look back on responses and see if there is anything else I can add over the next few weeks to help but I’m feeling a lot more positive with the few things I’ve done already. Thank you again to everyone.

So glad you are feeling more positive, OP. Please, please keep being honest with your husband about how you are coping and feeling- it is his job to support you at the moment. I really hope the changes you have made are going to make your life a bit easier over the coming weeks!

So happy to hear you have some positive fixes in the works. You're doing a great job!

Someday when your little one is grown, you're going to give back to a momma who needs reassurance. I'm middle aged now, but because I had a colicky baby 20 years ago, today I give back at my local crisis nursery (and then go home and get a full nights sleep). You'll get through this, I promise.

Yes! This!! One day, when my DH came home from work, I was holding DD and I just cried over and over, "this is so hard. I didn't know it would be so hard." I'm not a crier so DH knew it was bad. It's important to let him know how tough it is!