New mum, tell me it gets better?

[Meganlp]

My baby is nearly 3 months old and I’m still really struggling. Everything is so much effort still, I’ve pretty much given up going out as I don’t seem to have any time in the morning to get myself ready.

I don’t have much support around me, which is maybe making it harder. DH is great and does a lot, but he works away so isn’t always there to help. I feel like I can’t manage the days he isn’t here and end up crying and feeling so overwhelmed.

The baby will only nap on me during the day, if I put her down she’s awake and screaming within minutes. People keep telling me to ‘just put her down’ do I really just leave her screaming? I feel like I’m getting it all wrong and it’s not getting any easier.

I don’t know what my unreasonable is, I guess just wondering if this is normal?

I could have written a very similar post when mine was the same age. Looking back now there were many things that contributed to me feeling that way at that time - but a universal factor is that you’re in the trenches a long way from the hormones and emotions from those early days and have been surviving on limited sleep for such a long time. We had difficulties conceiving before mine was born and the guilt of not loving it all the time when I’d longed for this so much was hard to bear. A friend said ‘just because you wanted it so much doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to find it hard now you’re here’. It IS hard. Be kind to yourself.

And it WILL get so much better.

Highly recommend Anna Mathur’s book Mind Over Mother. Helps process what’s making you feel the way you do and a helpful nudge of ways to look after yourself too. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Worth a check in with HV/GP as others have said too.

Mine only did crappy short naps so I decided that anything I needed to get done was being done while he was awake. Showers, making food etc with him in the bouncer - play time doesn’t need to be all singing, all dancing!! Take care.

I'm sorry your struggling OP. As people here are saying it does get better. I remember literally walking around the room doing a figure of 8 crying along with my baby. I woke up one day and decided to try and set aside my feelings about what I couldn't do during this phase and just totally surrender to my babies needs. I still felt drained although by becoming more mentally accepting of this phase I stopped worrying about what else I could be doing and my bond with this helpless little soul just grew and grew.

There’s some amazing advice I’m going to try all of it out and see what works for us, but I honestly can’t believe how many other people have found it as hard.
Not a single person in real life has said anything but how amazing and wonderful it is. Maybe there’s why I feel like I’m failing.
It’s so good to know you have all made it out the other end unscathed.

I was a bit nervous about posting but I’m so glad I did as it really has made me feel less alone.

@RackJussells that’s so kind thank you but I couldn’t be much further away from you, I’m in the North.

@Questionsforyou I think the crying is a big part. To me it doesn’t sound like just a cry. It’s like an inconsolable scream, it literally is piercing. I’m guessing maybe it just sounds worse to me as her mum?

I remember a lot of what you are saying from ds2. He hated not being able to look out, so didn't like the upright sling, pram or car seat as they all blocked him in. I got a one shoulder sling so he could lie sideways and look out with me supporting his head. At least then I had one arm free. Moved to push chair on low incline from pram as soon as possible. At about 9 months changed from baby car seat to a 0-4 one that was higher up. All these made him much happier.

Do you have a library or children's centre near you? They often do free groups and we're a lifesaver for me. Even if you can just flannel your pits before going, it's worth trying. I found that I could shower at first nap by getting the water running for white noise and then gently putting them in the moses basket. They woke as soon as the water stopped, so had to sry quickly! Good luck with it all, it really does get better. Couldn't pay me enough to go back to the baby stage now, older kids are much more fun!

My daughter was like this. It used to really hack me off when the ‘just put her down’ brigade was made up of people whose babies would be put down without screaming, so they often could not understand how difficult it was for me.

My daughter screamed constantly unless she was touching my skin. She screamed if I put her down, screamed every car journey, screamed in the pram and screamed if I passed her to anyone else. We Co slept to keep my sanity and with time it did become less intense.

I now have a son who is a baby and is an ‘easy baby’. My parenting is the same, his temperament is different though. I think it goes to show that it is not something you are doing wrong, unfortunately there are just some babies who need more from you than others and the simplicity of the statement ‘just put them down’ just does not grasp how intense it can be for some mums with high needs babies.

If it’s any consolation, my daughter is now four years old and she’s still a handful, however, she is bright and very, very funny! I love her company. These days will pass and things will get better in many ways.

Also, when I had my second it was sometimes inevitable that one of them would be left to cry whilst I sorted their sibling. Eg if my eldest needed their bum wiped or a hand getting dressed sometimes I'd have to leave the youngest in their cot or chair and sometimes they would protest. As long as they are fed, clean, and comfortable being left to cry for a few minutes won't harm them.

Firstly it does get better. I promise you. Secondly some babies will only contact nap. Others are happy to be put down. Mine is a contact napper. I found it easier when I accepted this what was she wanted and we just did that. Did I get much done around the house? No. But it’s for such a short amount of time in reality. So my advice is to just accept that is what baby wants and meet her needs. My Dc is now 8 months and still won’t go in the cot in the day. But it’s a much smaller issue as they nap less at this age. Also she’ll go in her cot at night so I have a few hours in the evening to tidy. So hang in there. Also I didnot do anything first four months as she was high needs. Now we are at baby class everyday. If someone would have told me this during newborn stage I wouldn’t have believed them. Sorry not trying to make it about me but trying to show you it does improve and you’re doing great already!!!

OP what you’re feeling is so normal and the sad thing is we’re all under so much pressure to put on this facade that motherhood is this beautiful experience that so few of us voice the fact that it is actually really, REALLY bl**dy hard!! Feeling this way doesn’t make you any less of a mother and the fact that you are concerned that you’re feeling this way makes you, in fact, an amazing mummy.

The first 3 months are known as the 4th Trimester - I’d recommend googling it! It helped me understand it so much more as to why my son wouldn’t be put down like ever!

i totally sympathise with your feelings of isolation. DS was 2 months when we went into lockdown - little did we know it’d be months before we saw anyone again properly! So the majority of my mat leave was me and him in the same 4 walls and at times it was hell. But make sure you keep in contact with other mums - even over WhatsApp. I’ve made 2 really good mum friends - we’re in a group chat and even now our kids are 3 plus we talk to each other every day!

the contact napping is normal and felt like it went on forever - our little man sorted himself out about 6 months old and it was a game changer. He’d sleep in his cot and I actually got an hour plus to myself every day. It just happened naturally and you may well find it happens to you too.

As to whether it gets better…. It absolutely does! in fact it gets easier to the point where were voluntarily doing it all again later this year!

There’s no set age. For some it’s really early on and some struggle for longer. I won’t lie that each stage has its own challenges and struggles and I’m not saying you’ll feel like youre not running on fumes overnight but they get easier to manage. They communicate their feelings, they play more independently and most importantly they become fun and like your little best mate! My DS is a bundle of energetic fun and I love spending time with him and playing the unbelievably random games he comes up with!

hang on in there - keep talking to the people around you about how you’re feeling, especially your DH. Every sleep deprived crappy phase feels like it’s never going to end but it honestly feels like yesterday that I bought DS home from hospital and he’s about to be 4 which is just terrifying! It’s true that the days feel like an eternity - the years go by in a flash.

I could have written your post 9 years ago OP. Heading towards my late 40s now and with a lot of challenging life experiences behind me, I can honestly say being a new mum is 100% the hardest thing I have ever done, physically, emotionally and mentally. At the time I felt I should be loving it more, I should be out the door and at baby groups every day, meeting people for coffee etc. But I had a Velcro baby who clung to me and would only sleep on me and I was soooo tired all the time and feeling I was doing it all wrong.

I wish I could go back and tell myself to stop comparing things to how it 'should' be and just accept 'this is how it actually is right now and it's bloody hard.' Like others have said, babies become less clingy and things do get easier, but right now you're going through the toughest part.

So please don't beat yourself up and please don't compare yourself to an ideal of how it 'should' be and how you 'should' feel. It is hard, allow yourself to acknowledge that without guilt or comparison. You're keeping a little human alive and that is exhausting. However you feel right now, I guarantee in a few years time you'll look back on these first few months and be so proud of yourself.

Hiya- just wanted to add here to all the comments others are giving, it really is so hard and some days just feel awful. I now have a 9 month old and I have found the last few months to be pretty good, things suddenly got better for us at the 6 month mark.

There’s so much advice out the and things you read that you ‘should’ be doing. Try to remind yourself that each baby has different needs and you are doing what you need to do right now to get by, it will change and evolve over time. I am a clinical psychologist and I work in an attachment and child development service- the most important thing right now is you do what you need to do to make yourself well enough to get by. You just have to be ‘good enough’ right now so keep your expectations of yourself low, your baby is thriving/ developing and growing- you are doing a great job. As long as you are meeting your babies basic needs the next thing is yourself and supporting your connection to your baby. For me that was giving my baby a dummy, sitting them in front of the tv with a rocker chair a few times a day to get myself a break, which meant that I was more able to be attuned to him having had a few moments to be ‘me’. If you were to google this you would think it was the worst thing in the world based on what some people online would say… The reality is that there will be times when you have to do this and your baby will be absolutely fine so long as it’s done sensibly alongside a routine with other activities.

As someone who also went down the IVF route- I can’t stress enough how traumatic this process can be. Try to remember how much you’ve just been through. When we are doing things like this our bodies and minds just go into warrior mode to get through (particularly in IVF as it’s so relentless and one of the only traumatic things you repeatedly expose yourself to- mostly people move away from difficult/ traumatic situations but with fertility you just keep going at it). You will need time to heal from this, it’s usually only when you get to the other side that you really begin to process everything you’ve been through. Juggling that with a new baby is so hard.

I also had some days where leaving the house was an absolute no, and that’s ok too. If it feels too much right now you could try building on some time to get the baby in the pram and sit in the garden/ out the front of the house for 5 mins and build up from there, find where you do feel comfortable and start building upon it. If you don’t feel able to do baby groups right now that’s also ok too- I would recommend just joining peanut app to just find people to text and talk to on WhatsApp (or maybe if you had a baby group pre- birth there’s already something like that). I had to just do that for a while and then after some time I felt ready to take my baby to the groups (and had someone to go with).

keep going, things will be better soon!

Don’t pressure yourself to go out if it’s just too much for you, 3 months is very young, mine was at least 6 months by the time I got myself on my feet and was out at baby classes and going for more walks ect. It’s so hard, try not to give yourself a hard time as it’s the most overwhelming thing in the world so it’s ok to feel like that. People say it gets harder but for me as soon as I was getting a full nights sleep everything was easier. Don’t get me wrong it’s non stop, I eventually put mines into nursery for 2 afternoons a week when he was nearly 2 so I could get a break. Do what feels right for you, if you don’t have any help then nursery around the 1 year mark might be helpful for you. Hang in there

Aw, I truly do feel your pain!! You are literally me three months ago and I can honestly say it does get better ❤️

My DP works nights and split shifts and I was really struggling as I felt I was doing all of it on my own. His family wasn't supportive especially as I was BF and they just wanted me to put her on formula, I felt they were just in it for the cuddles and gave nothing back in return. My mum was supportive but couldn't really give me the support I needed when I needed it which was really hard. I would be up at 3am sobbing because DD had woken up again and I was literally just drifting off after no sleep for x amount of days and I just needed someone!

Slowly, it just starts to become easier. I don't know how, but it just does. Yeah DD does still prefer to nap in my arms and is a devil for fighting sleep, but we're slowly getting there. If you can attend some playgroups; I strongly recommend it! I was so nervous about it at first but once I bit the bullet and went, I wish I started going sooner! Yeah, she's had meltdowns there and I've had to leave early ETC, but so has every other mum there and there's absolutely no judgement. Plus they 💯 tire her out so it makes naps so much easier. Don't worry about feeling like you have to get fully dressed, just wash your face, brush your teeth and hair, whack something comfy on and head out.

The only thing I will say; don't make the same mistake I did! DD pitched epic meltdowns in my car so I took to walking everywhere with her. Now I've not used my car in that long it won't bloody start haha!

Sorry, not much advice here, but just wanting to show you some support and let you know it does get better! Yeah, I still have the days where I feel like I'm not cut out for this and have a breakdown because you're not having a good day. But these aren't happening everyday like they used to be. I would speak to your doctor because it could be PND. Talking does help and you will get there ❤️

It’s really ok not to love it at this stage, especially when it’s currently so difficult and you’re isolated. No one is going to love that!!

And also it’s really ok to put the baby down for a couple of minutes and leave them crying whilst you use the toilet/quick wash + dress:make a quick meal/get a glass of water - don’t neglect these they are absolutely essential to your wellbeing. Get some health ready meals and porridge pots and snack on fruit, nuts, dried fruit - just to get through this stage.

Not sure what your routine is... Try setting everything you'll need up the night before. Then when you wake up if baby is sleeping then shower. If you don't have time for a shower fuck it. Get the baby changed and dressed then feed then straight into the pram as long as the prams moving they should sleep. Try the car the vibrations should settle them. You don't mention if they have a dummy of comforter. Seriously I know It sound rank but put the top you wore yesterday in the pram either under her like a sheet or at her feet that way she'll smell you. I never breast fed... But if your breast feeding apparently it's harder to put them down cause it's not your scent they find comforting and want it's the smell of your milk. It's honestly trial and error. Is there any mum groups you can get in on?

I had mine a long time ago, and with the benefit of hindsight I realise I ruined it for myself by expecting too much of myself.

I thought I should be able to do all the normal stuff (showers, meals, getting out, cleaning) and look after a new born. Some babies need 24/7. In the great scheme of things a messy house and rubbish meals for a few months won’t matter.

I think people vastly underplay the needs of the mothers body to repair and rest. I think there are only two things that should be of your concern for the next few months: you and the baby.

Try and get out if you can, the fresh air and change of scenery will be good for you.

I remember describing the first few months as being "relentless". I really struggled and felt overwhelmed and cried multiple times day.

My girl is now nearly 11 months (how? 😭) and I promise you it gets SO much better. It's so much fun now with the odd hard hour/day/night which I know is just part of parenting. But the early months are incredibly hard so don't feel like you're doing something wrong by feeling this way. A tiny human is relying on you for everything around the clock, and it sounds like you're mostly handling it alone. Do not listen to anyone who says you are "spoiling" your baby etc - that's outdated advice. I'm a child psychologist and have studied attachment heavily - you CANNOT be there for you baby too much! I love the insta account mothernourishnurture - she normalises normal infant behaviours.

My worst days though were the ones I stayed in all day and saw no one. Are there any baby groups near you? I found one that was so supportive - the leader would say she didn't care if we turned up in pj's, or walked in 5 minutes before class ended, or if baby cried the whole time or needed to be fed or changed. It was a safe place to practise being out of the house. Every week a different mum would end up having a cry about something - it's so hard.

Have easy, low/no- prep foods. If you know baby's about to nap, go grab something to have next to you on the sofa. My baby had sausage roll crumbs all over her many times as a newborn 🙈

Play for a young baby can be watching you get ready while you chat and sing away. So don't feel guilty! They're soaking it all up.

Do chat to your GP also - they might even know of good group in the area 😊

You're doing amazing!!!!

Something else I wanted to add OP - I would feel worse when all I’d hear was how the newborn stage is sooo precious and you should savour every moment. And yes, they’re tiny and cute at that stage, but they’re also bloody hard work!!

It made me feel guilty for not having a good time because I kept hearing ‘they’ll never be this small again 😊’ - which is true, but it doesn’t negate how you lose yourself in those first few months and what an enormous shock it is. It helped me to make peace with the fact that despite loving my baby deeply and how small and precious she was, it was also okay to not enjoy a lot of it and to acknowledge the difficulties too. I’m enjoying it more now.

Your feelings are valid and it’s perfectly okay not to enjoy every moment, especially when baby is high needs.

Yup! I can identify and it really does get better! Will your baby sleep in the pram at all? Mine only slept outside in the pram (I spent a lot of time in the garden) but honestly it really does get better.

And if it helps toddler years will feel like an absolute breeze whereas my friends really struggled!

Everyone raves about the newborn phase, but I’ll be honest and admit I didn’t enjoy it at all - some people do, but my little girl is 2 now and I find this bit SO much more fun and rewarding and less difficult. Not loving every second doesn’t mean you don’t love your little one and you don’t need to feel guilty at all!

I found as she got bigger she got more predictable, which meant I felt like I had more time. Also not saying it’s the same for you at all, but our little girl basically screamed incessantly and it turned out she was allergic to dairy. Once we figured it out and cut that out she was less in pain, wasn’t as sick all the time etc, and the crying reduced a lot which helped massively. Don’t be afraid to trust your instincts if you think the crying doesn’t sound right, no harm in asking the HV/GP for an opinion!

It does get easier! Its very early days and part of me wants to say just enjoy the cuddles cos in a few months your baby will be crawling and hopefully going to nap in their own bed and you’ll miss all the cuddles but I know that doesn’t really help now.

Practically, he’s what worked for me…

I know it’s hard but getting out of the house definitely helps. My routine was first bottle in bed with cuddles and then I would place baby in rocker chair at the bathroom door whilst I showered and got ready straight away. I’d get ready in my bedroom with baby in the chair next to me. I’d chat to him whilst I made myself look semi presentable and get out for a walk or morning baby class. Talking to other mums at these classes and realising that you’re not on your own really helps.

My baby only slept on me, in the car seat or pram until he was 6 months cos I didn’t want to leave him to cry. I planned my day around that, eg, I’m driving to my friends at 10am and he’ll sleep in the car or I’m walking to the shop at 2 and he’ll sleep in the pram. This made me feel more ‘free’.

Finally, when he was small I did some jobs in the house whilst he was awake. A reclining high chair was brilliant cos I had him in the kitchen with me whilst I prepared meals. I’d put nursery rhymes on Alexa and sing to him and do silly actions whilst I cooked or cleaned. I think some mums only do chores when the baby is asleep but this doesn’t work when the baby wants to sleep on you (unless you get a sling but I wasn’t keen)

Of course not every day was perfect but most days were at least good. OP I hope some of these tips help so you can start to enjoy this phase more!

Every baby is different, my first was easy and chilled barely cried and slept and I thought I had it sorted. Then I had a second....... he was very different needed to be near me all the time, was not content to play and watch the world like my first and didn't sleep at night. A few things I found helped my sanity. Both me and baby got up and dressed for the day, for me I needed to 'start the day' also helped me feel more human if I dressed etc, out baby in a bouncy chair in the bathroom if necessary so you can shower. They may scream the whole time but you will still feel better for feeling clean. Try and go out and talk to other adults, my second was a lockdown baby and I found not being able to go to groups so difficult. Hang in there it will get better

Yeah normal. Some babies are harder, some are easier, what you’ve described sounds quite normal to me.

I found it started to get progressively better from around 4 months. I actually started to feel somewhat awake some days and was able to go out some days and get a few things done.

He’s 10 months now and I’m still a bit of a shit mum tbh - quite lazy and selfish lol - but it’s easier now he sleeps a lot better at night and can entertain himself a bit in the day. There are still rough patches - right now he seems to have forgotten how to settle himself back to sleep so it’s a 5:15am start every day, which I cannot handle - but even so it’s so much better than those early days.

I think it’s the same for all babies except in exceptional circumstances. I’d put money on you feeling a lot better in a couple of months.

Checking in again during my break. Memories are flooding back of walking up and down, patting babies back fairly firmly and singing the same tune in babies ear until sleeping as long as everything else was attended to. This along with a firm voice saying everything is ok & generally chatting along those lines with of course love you talk and cuddles in between. It may or may not work just saying it did for mine. I think it was because by letting baby know I was in charge baby felt more secure and less anxious and by mentally taking control so did I 😊
Back to work 🤦‍♀️🤣

Im 2 weeks into DC2 and I have a 3 yo DC1. Baby stage <6-8 months is hell. It’s exhausting, anxiety inducing, lonely and monotonous. DC1 was like your DD - screamed in the pram, sling and car and only napped in arms on the boob. Cried a lot as a little baby. I felt so trapped. I used to put him in the sling anyway, put some headphones in and walk through the screaming and eventually he’d conk out and sleep. DC2 seems a bit more settled/less high needs but still cries a fair amount probably because he has to wait more.

Im purely going through it again because toddlers and beyond are absolutely epic and make this horrible bit all worth while. My 3 yo is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me and I adore his company. 6-8 months was a definite turning point despite night sleep being the worst it ever was. Weaning gave more of a routine, DC1 started tolerating the pram and the car seat and I started being able to get him down for naps. I got out to more groups and swimming and just generally felt better.

I hear you about the crying but try and lower your standards. I tolerate a lot more crying from DC2 because trying to always keep DC1 content as a baby wrecked my mental health. Ill let him cry until I’m set up with my headphones and the remote and a snack before feeding him incase I get nap trapped. I’ll put him down after he’s had enough of a nap if I need to get some jobs done or if I’ve just had enough. I take the pram to nursery pick up even though he’s 50:50 in it because it has DC1s buggy board on. Obviously be responsive, but I really recommend just putting some headphones in and putting a good podcast on if baby is crying and a feed/nappy change/cuddle/nap isn’t doing the trick. Don’t forget crying is the only way they have to express themselves - it isn’t a reflection of you as a parent if yours cries more than others.

TLDR: IT WILL GET BETTER!!