New mum, tell me it gets better?

[Meganlp]

My baby is nearly 3 months old and I’m still really struggling. Everything is so much effort still, I’ve pretty much given up going out as I don’t seem to have any time in the morning to get myself ready.

I don’t have much support around me, which is maybe making it harder. DH is great and does a lot, but he works away so isn’t always there to help. I feel like I can’t manage the days he isn’t here and end up crying and feeling so overwhelmed.

The baby will only nap on me during the day, if I put her down she’s awake and screaming within minutes. People keep telling me to ‘just put her down’ do I really just leave her screaming? I feel like I’m getting it all wrong and it’s not getting any easier.

I don’t know what my unreasonable is, I guess just wondering if this is normal?

It DOES get better!!! I remember those long long hard days. I thought they'd never end. But before you know it they'll be somewhere between 6 and 12, and for those 6 years life will be bliss :)

Hang in there ... then brace yourself for 13!! ...

OP I’m only a month ahead of you with my first and struggling too (I posted here last week about my baby fussing and crying for hours every evening and got some very empathetic responses).

I can’t really offer much advice as I’m in the thick of it myself but I just wanted to offer you a handhold and solidarity as I know how tough it can be. 💐 People keep telling me this bit won’t last forever and I know that, but it can be rough to find solace in that when it’s happening right now. I try and think back to the newborn days and how hard those first nights were, how sleep deprived and clueless I was with DD waking every 2 hours - although things aren’t perfect now, it helps me to remember that part ended, and this bit will too! We got through it! Back then DD was blank faced and the only real noise she made was crying, now she smiles and babbles and is becoming a little person - and she’s only going to get more animated from here on.

It’s especially harder when people around you seem to have it sussed with their baby (but I can assure you they probably don’t, even if you don’t see it).

As others have said I do find getting out helps, even if I just chuck on sick splattered tracksuit bottoms and a ratty T-shirt with no make up. I pop some music on and push the pram about even it’s just around the block a few times. It can be hard to work yourself up to it but it does make you feel better afterwards, and the fresh air is good for baby too.

I hope you look back on this thread after more time passes and barely recognise it compared to how far you’ve come 💖

Aww OP I went through all that. DO get the bouncy chair! My DS1 loved his :) (but it's not a cure-all).

You could have been me. But I got through it and honestly, every single year has got better and better. The older they get, the easier they become and before you know it, you'll miss their gorgeous baby smell, their lovely little baby heads, and their adorable hugs 💐💐

My eldest DS is now 15 but I remember feeling exactly the same when he was born. DH has always worked away from Sunday night through to Friday evening so I know what it is like to feel alone and overwhelmed. I found the transition from working full time to being home alone with a newborn very isolating - especially as DH didn't come home every night. My friends didn't have kids and were at work so, if I didn't force myself to leave the house, I wouldn't speak to another adult all day. He was also a colicky baby that wanted to be carried for hours on end in the evenings. It wasn't until DS was about 7 months old and I found the confidence to go to baby groups that I made new mum friends and started to enjoy it more. Many of those mums are now some of my very closest friends, 15 years on.

So, my advice would be don't be hard on yourself. It's a huge, life changing situation that will take time to get used to. Go for little walks every day and, as you start to feel more confident, go along to some baby groups. Make friends with those mums that aren't afraid to admit that it's bloody hard work. If you need to lock yourself in the bathroom and eat a Mars Bar, just to get a few minutes to yourself, that's fine! Call upon your friends and get them to pop in. Just catching up on the gossip with mates helps. It will get easier. Luckily, it did for me as just after DS turned two, I had twin boys! And it was no where near as hard with three kids as those first few months with just the one! You will be fine but don't be afraid to ask for help if you need to.

The first few months were the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and whilst I had some unforgettable memories, to say I enjoyed it would be a stretch. It gets better!

Sounds like you are well tbh OP especially with the lack of support. It is so tough the early days of having a baby. It will get easier. I used to be up and showered before DH left for work, unfortunately as your DH works away I can see that isn’t an option. We always went out for a walk everyday, even days
I felt like a zombie, to get some fresh air. Could your DH take some leave to help. Have a friend or relative stay, that will actually help, not sit around holding the baby you want to hold. May be worth speaking to HV or GP, if you are feeling low, totally normal for a new mum. Good luck OP & many congratulations on your new baby

Yes it gets better but newborn stage is TOUGH. Get an easy sling if you don't have one (you can get an IZMI carrier for about £15 secondhand they are brilliant), put baby in and you have hands free if you need to get stuff done. You can get out for a walk of you need a change of scene. Look up safe sleep 7 and cosleep if you need some rest. Make life as easy as possible for now, just survive. It will be easier. If there are mum and baby playgroups near you, go. They can be a lifeline.

There’s some excellent advice on here already but it does get easier to deal with - but please do get help. I only recognised I needed help 6 months down the line.

My DS had colic and silent reflux. It was hell for the first few months. He would only contact nap and I started to resent it so much but suddenly (I can’t remember when but it was a few month in) we tried the cot and it worked - but I went through months of being the parent having to co-sleep whilst all my friends babies were fine in their cots.

I know everyone says this - lower expectations. My DS spent the first months of his life just in onesies (he was clean and we’d change his vests etc) but I wasn’t worried about making sure he was wearing an “outfit”. He was clean and comfortable.

as everyone says - get a baby bjorn (you can get them second hand on Facebook marketplace) it will give you time to get changing bag ready/shower. Also, sometimes resorting to tv/YouTube is perfectly acceptable if you need a few minutes to yourself/shower - you’ll have many parents on MN saying that it’s the worst, and how possibly could you do that but you also need your own sanity. My DS loved the David Attenborough that was under the sea at that age - we could pop him in the bouncer and just have some time to have a tea/shower/get dressed.

Sending you hugs OP - it’s tough but DS is now 2 and I genuinely prefer the toddler stage to those early days.

One thing to remember is every stage doesn't last long, babies change so much so quickly.

Some practical suggestions:

• do you have a carrier? Can you sling the baby while doing stuff?

• if she won't nap in her cot, have you tried a buggy? Mine never napped in a cot but I didn't mind as she would go to sleep being pushed in a buggy so I would get a little walk in and then park her up in her buggy for the remainder of her nap.

• I would really suggest getting out - it can really help. Get showered before bed so you only have to get dressed, have a day bag ready to go and head out - for a walk, to a cafe, to a baby group, to mums cinema (where you can watch non-kid films with babies), to garden centre, whatever you would enjoy / find easiest to start with.

Use a sling or learn to do everything one handed - I was a dab hand at it by the time I had by 2nd/3rd/4th. I was a single mum with the first two as well so had zero help and it was all on me 24/7. You just learn to adjust. Don't be afraid to put baby down for a minute or two to get a shower/make a drink etc. Yes they will cry but it won't be for long. Gets much easier when they can start entertaining themselves a bit - I had a jumperoo with my youngest two from about 5 months.

Solidarity! But it absolutely gets better. My boy was similar - would almost instantly wake up screaming if he was out in a Moses basket/crib one he’d fallen asleep. Made it very difficult to achieve anything in the house, and also made me feel like there was something wrong with me or him - but I eventually came to terms with the idea of the fourth trimester and that this behaviour is normal.

I embraced cosleeping and life changed massively for the better. Accepted the contact maps in the day - it’s only for a short time.

Things just got better - the minute the smiles and giggles started consistently I felt much better about things. As he got bigger he was happier to sit in his bouncer for 20-30 mins (another baby who loved a Baby Bjorn bouncer) watching his light/water tube that we had in the lounge. I took my opportunity in those moments to sort laundry etc.

By six months, things just started to change naturally - we did nothing differently. Vividly remember we were in a hotel visiting family, he was lying on the bed and just fell asleep in front of our eyes, we were so shocked. This just built up and now we can put him down in his cot, there might be a few minutes of a grumbly low level cry, then he falls asleep. He’s nine months now and either sleeps through or wakes once. We do still have a white noise machine in there and I think that makes a difference.

We were lucky that he was fall asleep in his pram fairly reliably. The Rockit helped there - we would walk him to get him to sleep, then park him in the hall with the Rockit and he would stay asleep for 1-2 hours normally.

This will get better! It’s very hard to see in the midst of it but it absolutely does.

Another vote for the Jumperoo also. Keeps them occupied and tired them out, and my son loved it!

It really does get better op. Mine are 10 and 13 now but I remember they both hated being put down, my first was quite colicky too. The crying can be so distracting but it won't kill them to cry for a bit. My top top is the belly pat and shushing. It worked a treat on both of mine. So you pat there belly and chest in rhythmic beats, like your heartbeat, but get slower so it calms them down. At the same time make shush, shush, shush noises, again getting gradually quieter. Might not get them to sleep straight away but will calm them down and help them realise everything is ok. If baby is calmer, you feel calmer too. It's so weird how your own babies cry makes you want to crawl out of your skin and claw your eye balls out but you hardly notice other people's babies.

Yes! It most definitely does get better 😊 You’ve got through the first 3 months, which are the hardest IMO. Things will gradually get easier now 😊

You’ve already had lots of recommendations for a bouncy chair and I recommend that too. I actually had two so I could drop baby down safely wherever I was in the house. My main one could be switched to vibrate, which was a very gentle vibration accompanied by a light white noise, and I found it really relaxed baby. As your baby gets older, they’ll sit and watch you doing chores in their chair. I’d never be without one (or two!) with a baby.

Also, tiring as it is to have a baby that falls asleep on you, set up your surroundings so you can enjoy this time. Read a book, listen to an audiobook on headphones, browse the internet, watch a box set. If you approach this in that way, the time spent holding baby seems less frustrating.

Start going out most days. If it takes you a while to get going in the morning, go out in the afternoon. Baby can nap in their pram. Go for a walk, go to the shops to browse, go to the Library - anything. There are also local baby groups you could try, including in places you’d least expect like libraries (rhyme time and story time) and the like. Time outside will help you enormously and is very good for baby too. You need to gradually get into the routine of getting out. You’ll feel more normal if you do.

Do you think it's the crying that is the thing for you?
Because I'd put baby in the cot and get a shower and get ready in the morning - she might cry a bit but I'd definitely still get ready for the day. When she is a bit older maybe one of those mamas and papas seats and she can play while you get ready. Or a bouncer chair.
Get out and push the pram, she is safe, warm and fed, doesn't matter if she cries. Maybe even if you aim to go out and push them pram for 15 mins. The fresh air might be good for you.
I appreciate it can be difficult to hear the crying but it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong at all, and then once you've practised doing a few things you might staff feeling more confident.

Ps. It gets better!!!

OP: it is still a taboo, but a lot of newborn times are shit. They just are. It makes sense if you think about it - in my case, i went from being a working woman with regular adult contact in a cerebral job to being with a baby who could do very little and was completely dependent on me, all day every day. The pressure was immense but it was completely different from my job. A good day is baby fed, clean, asleep by the end of it and although you’re exhausted, you really don’t feel like you’ve achieved much. Baby groups with relative strangers where all you do is talk about sleeping, eating and feeding of your baby. Jesus.

And you just have to get through it, really. I didn’t even have a difficult baby, particularly, and I found it so, so, so hard and lonely. I think it’s incredibly common and normal. And you will get through it. But, for me, it was a case of gritting my teeth and getting on with it. I made sure i got out of the house every day: that was a non negotiable.

You got this, OP. If I can do it - and I am totally not a baby person - you can too.

@Mindymomo not all of us do it again. My kid is nearly four, things are SO much easier he is a happy, cheerful chap and I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone - but I would never, ever do it again. Never. And plenty of women are in the same boat.

Yes it gets better mama. What you're going through is normal 💕.

Having a baby is really hard, we are sold a dream as women and not told the reality. You'll find your way and adjust, it's the hardest and best thing you'll ever do x

Hey OP,

My baby turns 12 weeks today, he is my second and I feel exactly the same as you. My oldest is 8 in November so having a newborn totally reliant on me has been a real shock to the system again.
Just want to send my love to you, I’m not sure where you’re based, but I’m in South Wales, if you lived close by, we could meet up - long shot! It can be so lonely and isolating :(
I currently don’t have any friends with newborns in Wales, but back home in England I do, which is very hard.
xxx

@Meganlp It is hard in the beginning and don’t forget you’re new to being a mum too. Eventually your baby will fall into more of a routine with naps. Mine was a contact napper and co-sleeper, I know it’s trapping but my one year old won’t now and sometime I just want to snuggle him as he sleeps. He also bought home his first piece of art work yesterday from nursery and it’s so precious. It can still be tiring with the meal times and some night wakings but much easier than the beginning. Hold on, you’ll get there x

And sorry I forgot to add - yes! It gets so much better and easier! My 7 year old can sort a lot of her own stuff out now (picking her own clothes, grabbing her own snacks, entertaining herself etc) which I think this is why having a second with a big gap has hit me so hard, really missing being able to just get up and do things, currently busting for the bathroom but baby ha decided to nap on me after a morning of crappy sleep 😩 but it does get so much easier - I promise! This stage is so hard xx

Things change so quickly so please be kind to yourself. Set the bar low- wash face, hair brushed and set a time to head out for a walk each day then build up from there.
It’s so easy to become avoidant of things but I found from experience that this leads to isolation.
Try the ‘dreaded’ baby groups as you may be pleasantly surprised. Other babies will cry.
And if it gets to much for you, a very wise friend told me, no one is making you stay for the whole class so use it as a tool for getting out and knowing when to go ❤️

DD also only contact napped from about 2 months old, had colic and screamed for hours every evening, it was hard (I was pumping 8 times a day too so I was always either holding her or pumping!) but it does get better.

4 months was a turning point for me- colic screaming stopped, she only woke at night 2 times, they can hold their head up more so she could forward face in the baby carrier which was a game changer, she napped less in the day and on a more predictable schedule. I only really started getting out a bit then.

6 months was even better- only one night waking, she could go in an easy collapsible buggy rather than big clunky pram, she could sit and interact more. Down to 3 naps a day and no longer needed one of us to be in the same room with her whilst she slept.

Then 9 months was better still, she could crawl a bit, only napped twice a day (I also dropped the pumping at this point which massively helped) and lots more interactive.

A year was amazing and it’s only gotten better since (she’s 21 months now). Everyone is different but for me newborn was the hardest and 3 months old was probably the peak worst.

It does get easier. I absolutely loathe the newborn stage because it's so relentless. My two are 4 and 1 now and it's so much easier. Still has it's challenges of course but much more enjoyable than a toddler and newborn was!

I feel like I could of written this post 4 months ago. I promise you it does get easier, you’re trying to learn this new job with zero training or someone to ask for help.

I bought a cheap bouncer to keep upstairs in the bathroom whilst I showered, the microwave healthy meals from Asda became a lifesaver too.

Baby groups are a life saver, no one cares if you’re late or baby cries plus the general small talk feels nice too. I have zero advice for the contact naps because mine still naps on me everyday at 7.5 months, get some good boxsets on the TV maybe 😂

I’ve been there, and I just want to say…
IT GETS BETTER!!!!

Also get a jumperoo. They were a lifesaver