Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

I think they are trying to teach you to pay your bills first. Before socialising at London prices and train tickets to see your boyfriend.
Get a job in a pub. 1 shift at the weekend and your parents would be paid.

I think you should do a spreadsheet qoth the costs of travel and books etc showing what that will cost you, promise to move heaven and earth to get full times jobs during the holidays and offered to pay them a large % of the money you earn during the holidays see of that helps.

I agree. Your parents shouldn't be expected to subsidise you buying rounds in London pubs.

I completely agree with this and I'd be more than happy to work one shift a week. The difficulty I have found with every part-time job I've worked is it's never just one shift a week, they usually want someone who can work a minimum of 12 hours and even then push you to take on more and more hours, not really taking no for an answer regardless of how politely you decline. I guess the way to combat that is to become more assertive in working environments, but it's not as simple as getting a job that's just one shift a week.

I used to give my mum £30 a week when I was on a year out (saving money for nursing school) in 1996-97. Maybe my mum overcharged me?

£30 a week is barely going to cover your food costs, let alone contributing towards water, heating, electric etc so I don't think that's in any way an unfair amount for your parents to ask from you.

But equally I see your reasoning about Year 2 costs - your parents may have flexibility if you set it all out to them calmly, as you have here - or they may not, depending how tight household finances are.

As the parent of a new graduate, I really notice how expensive it has been this summer with them at home; I love them being here, but financially things will be easier when they move in with friends this autumn, once their job has started. I would ask for the rent (as yours have done) but probably save some of it to give back, if the plans to move out come to fruition.

Suck it up and pay the £30 it's an absolute bargain!!!

Rent and bills come before disposable income for socialising (at London prices).
Your parents are right in teaching you to budget

When I graduated in 2004 I got a part time job in a shop while I put in job applications. My Mum charged me £170 pcm in rent. I felt like she was quite out of order at the time as none of my friends paid rent to their parents. But looking back, my parents weren't high earners like your parents so the extra income probably made a world of difference to them. Once I got my first professional job Mum put the rent up to £200. I was earning £16k and also had to buy and fund my car and all other personal expenses. I was basically skint most of the time. But it was still dramatically cheaper than renting privately or even house sharing, so I should probably just have been grateful that my Mum let me move back in at all as at 21, I was an adult and she would have been entitled to not let me move back in.
Two years later I got a job in a different city and moved out properly and it cost me a heck of a lot more than the small amount my Mum charged me.

So basically, I'd pay it and keep quiet. It's the cheapest rent you'll ever be asked to pay!

How unnecessarily vindictive.

Oh FFS, they have supported her and raised her for 21 years, what a horribly vindictive and ungrateful attitude.

I wouldn't charge her rent either, especially as she's on course to be on a really good wage in a couple of years and I wouldn't want to jeopardise that happening, but this response is ridiculously extreme. I would consider myself to have failed to raise a decent adult if this is genuinely what they thought in this situation.

Your parents have offered you a bargainous rent. You are a lucky girl that they are able to do that for you.
You are also lucky that they ARE choosing to charge you rent to help you learn how to budget as it is clear you do not have that skill yet. Having £40 a week spending money for one year with rent, bills and travel already budgeted for should be fine. Especially if you are spending much of the time studying. Remember you have made that choice to make year 2 easier for yourself financially.

Asking them to reduce a ridiculously low rent so you can socialise more is not a good look. Neither is suggesting that they are saving money because they used to give you more as an undergrad. I hope that when you finish your training contract and are celebrating your hard work, you also appreciate the support and sacrifice of other people that has helped you get there.

My adult children all live at home and they pay me rent, however in your circumstances I wouldn't expect anything from you, especially considering that your parents seem well off. However, if they have decided that they want you to pay them something, you don't have much choice, and 30 pounds isn't a lot, you certainly couldn't live any cheaper than that anywhere else. It seems that for them it's a token sum though, so you could offer 20, and see what they say.

I agree with this! It's not always enough to have a degree. What you do with your opportunities in the next couple years can determine the rest of your life.

If your parents are willing and able to support you then let them. Pay a nominal amount to affirm your gratitude but if it makes no financial difference to them but it makes a difference to you, then I would pay less.

I don't understand why you're being slated for asking a reasonable question. I understand times are hard to many, but they don't have to be for everyone. You're only 21 and there will be plenty of tough times ahead. It's great you're working hard and budgeting well.

I can’t believe you want to “save” half your money so you can coast during your second year. Get a bar job or a cleaning job like everyone else. If you pay your parents less than 8 hours min wage a week you really are taking the piss.

This must be a wind up? Someone questioning £30 a week rent and putting socialising and trains to BF before a very reasonable rent. OP if this is true you are coming across as entitled.

I really don't understand the comments about 'choosing to continue studying' as she's just doing it for the sake of it. In lots of professions a degree doesn't qualify you, if you want to be a solicitor, doctor, accountant etc you have to study way past bachelor level to enter the profession. I would have thought most parents would fight tooth and nail to support their child getting into one of these kind of secure, well paid careers. I certainly would. It sounds like OP has secured a fantastic opportunity which will be hard work but will yield great rewards in the long term.

OP you sound hardworking and sensible, if your parents charge you £30 then not much you can do but I'd prioritise your studies for the next 2 years over everything else and it will pay off. Well done so far.

£30 a week is cheap as chips. If you want more spending money dont save as much and work as a tutor.

I don’t see the point in their charging you a nominal amount if you don’t need it. Equally I wouldn’t set much store in keeping contacts from your postgraduate studying years (I presume you’re doing the law conversion course the first year ?). Not everyone will stay in London. Socialising during your training contract will much more important.

I hope you're just saying this to be provocative. If this is your genuine advice you sound like a very bitter and sad person 😥

You can't afford to save £7000 a year AND pay your parent's suggested (very low) rent AND socialise. Given £30 a week is basically your food bill (ie your parent's are being generous), and most adults aren't in the very enviable position of being able to save such a large proportion of their income, I'd suggest you suck it up. In fact I'd suggest you appreciate and thank them for their support.

You can't seriously expect them to effectively subsidise your savings and social life?

I woudn't charge you anything.

Fifteen years ago when my son started work in a minimum wage job working 4 days a week he was paying us £25 per week - the amount that our income changed because we were no longer getting child benefit/tax credits because he had left school.

£30 is nothing. Pay that and look at ways to economise elsewhere.

you are 21, you are not your parents responsibility, £30 a week is a token gesture , where in this world would you get accomodation for £120 a month, i assume this will include all bills including food. You are getting a great deal here. I do understand your position though however unfortunately you are wrong, your parents are doing you a massive favour, many people i know just have to work because they cant afford o go to university, your lucky in your position. you will have to cut back on your socialising to pay for it if its that important.

Going against the grain here, but I think if your parents can afford not to take the money then they shouldn't. I personally wouldn't under those circumstances. When I was at uni my best friends relationship broke down and she moved back in with her parents. We were in our late 20's at the time, her parents refused to take any money from her and asked her just to buy some food each week. We studied nursing and its an intense course, so difficult to work part time jobs alongside it.

You seem far too invested in what other people think and will want. You’re never going to get anywhere in life concentrating on what others want.