Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

OP £30 a week is the cheapest rent you will ever pay! I don't think it's too much and if you're studying but have uni holiday periods off then you can easily get a part time job in summer at least to add to your savings.

I think it is reasonable and is to teach you to budget. There are ways you can cut costs yourself your phone contract see if you can get a sim only card, if your not using those subscription services at your parents then explain to your parents that your cutting costs. As for shoes and clothes use vinted!

This!

Have you sat down with parents and explained your plans or just kept asking how much they want you to pay?

I don't charge either DC (both 22) any rent and especially if they were still studying no way would I charge. But if your parents can't support you they need a frank discussion about that. So hard to say if they are being unreasonable as it somewhat depends on their financial situation. If they can afford to not charge you I think they are very unreasonable to charge!

I would also ask how old your parents are? Perhaps they are hoping to save for retirement, pay off the mortgage or move out of London. All you seem to have considered is what you want to do and complained about being expected to make a small contribution to household costs.

Well done on securing your training role and I hope you do achieve your ambitions in your future career. I’m sure they are wishing you all the best too and would not expect to receive money back from you once you do start earning well after your trading.

But you expecting your parents to keep shelling out without having properly discussed the implications for everyone of your decisions about after your degree (and so you can save and have a social life), while resenting them when they request a nominal amount from you to recognise some financial realities, is unreasonable.

I wouldn’t charge anything in the circumstances you describe.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

I assume whatever you earned with part time jobs has been your money to do with as you please and you didn’t give any to your parents OP, so I don’t see the context?

You certainly ARE taking your parent’s generosity for granted if you expect them to continue supporting you with free board after they’ve supported you through university! Charging £30 a week rent and board is a very generous subsidation for a adult of working age.

As PPs have said your choice to study for a further 3 years after becoming a legal adult, your choice to continue further studying. You should be contributing to household expenses as an adult in the house or move out and support yourself.

I don’t blame your parents for charging you a nominal rent, even if they can afford not to, with that level of entitlement.

I suspect that the fact you’re even questioning it is precisely why they’re doing it. Work out how much it would cost you to live, including shared house rent, utilities, food and then you may appreciate that they’re asking for a pittance. You’re effectively asking your parents to contribute to that £7k you’re ‘saving’ without any acknowledgment that they’re doing so

I think given this is a postgraduate opportunity that yes you should be contributing something. Your parents have financially supported you throughout your undergraduate degree at which point I think it is completely fair for them to now ask for a (pretty tiny) contribution to your board.

I did a similar postgrad training scheme with a grant and still managed to pay for rent in a shared house. How? By working part-time in a pub, living in a tiny houseshare, and catching up on my studies around that. I didn't have much time for boyfriends or socialising that year but did attend the occasional postgrad drinks to keep in with the network.

I thinks it's possible.

I do think that as a parent to a young child I would draw the line at free board / full financial support once they've graduated.

In offering £30 rent they are still massively subsidising your choices and supporting you on this next step.

What they've done to her?!
What exactly is that hmm?

Supporting her by paying for previous accommodations, allowing her to live at home and save hundreds, thousands of pounds in rent and ONLY charging a pitifully low amount of £30pw which op can afford but just wants more socialising and train fare money.

She is 21 and sounds sensible but her pov I feel has been skewed by the peers she was surrounded by at uni and the entitlement is probably something her parents want to knock on the head.

When you are an adult you pay your way, very few people get the amount of help op has already had, arguing over £30pw boarding is something I'd expect from a teenager in their first job to do not a supposedly mature 21yr old looking to work in the legal system.

Op should remember her fortunate circumstances and wise parents who have chosen not to raise an expectant child.

She is contributing - a lot more than some husbands

Just not financially

And in my real world that's exactly what happened in my house till my DC was qualified.

So you'd be paying them £1,440 for 12 months, out of a grand of £12,000?

That's just 12% of your income, so reasonable.

You can supplement your income with a weekend job.

I was paying my mum the same amount as that 20 years ago when I lived at home and commuted to uni, difference perhaps being that she was a single parent and that money genuinely did make a difference.

It was still far cheaper for me than living out in student housing, which was the obvious alternative. If your parents weren't able to offer you heavily subsidised living as an adult, what were you going to do as your alternative?

If you were my child an in this situation (post graduate qualification to lead to secure employment) I wouldn’t charge you.

I also understand the difficulty in getting a PT job for less than one shift per week.

What I would do to raise the money is babysit one night at the weekend. Ask neighbours/on local Facebook pages/old families you have tutored and you will pick up plenty of people happy to pay you.

I grew up in London. Almost everyone I know lived at home for at least one year as an adult, some for nearly a decade. Some went back later during a career break/house renovations. No one was charged rent by their parents. In some circs there was an agreement that a certain amount should go into savings. General attitude among parents is why wouldn't you help your kids save £££ on rent.

Maybe your parents' view is affected by your stated income trajectory - if you expect (hope?) to be on 115k in 4 years time this is very different to if you were studying/training for something like nursing or teaching where you were never going to be on a massive salary, and would be struggling post qualification to save and get yourself on the housing ladder, in which case they might be more inclined to help you build up some savings.

@Dotjones

you sound quite unhinged

I think you’re lucky you have somewhere to live for the first year of your training contract that is only charging you £30 a week! I’m not sure how they could reduce it much further without it getting into the realms of the kind of pocket money you would give an 8 year old.

You won’t be the only one not going to every social event, and the fact that you are acknowledging that to do well you need to be able to afford to do all the networking events, really highlights how unfair the whole process is. You’re obviously bright and have done well, but you’re 21 years old, and I think should be incredibly grateful for the very low contribution your parents are expecting you to pay for the next year.

@Nanny0gg

how is she contributing?

I never contributed whilst living at home for uni and I would not expect my children to either (if they were sensible with their money, ideally saving some of it). If I was to take £30 a week, I would only save it up for them to hand back at the end.

Absolutely you should pay rent and £30 is just a token figure which you should be thrilled with. Where else can you live for £30 a week, all bills included?

You will have to get a part time job like other students do, I'm afraid. This is an important life lesson and your parents are doing you a favour.

The big firms pay peanuts?

No they bloody well don't. They pay FUCKING FORTUNE to trainees, more than many other people will ever earn in their lives! 😡

O you kept asking them how much, and then balked when they said £30. What we're you hoping? What did you say when they said£30? What was their response?

I'd ask if you can sit down and run some numbers. Shoe them how you're going to save and not waste it all.

S

£30pw is still a significantly massive saving on rent, they are still subsidising her.
Helping your child to save £££ on rent doesn't only mean not allowing them to live rent free, there's scope within financials.

Peanuts! Not.

https://www.chambersstudent.co.uk/law-firms/law-firm-salaries-compared