Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

@SueVineer

out of interest, what do you think OP’s parents should be doing for her in your opinion?

@LuckySantangelo35 in previous posts she says she cooks once a week, & they have a cleaner. So far less cooking & cleaning than living independently without a cleaner.

So just how much out of pocket are you happy for your parents to be so you don't have to feel like a kill joy? You're coming across appallingly in this thread.

You should have found out what rent in London is for a small room in shared house. Then add another £100 a week to live off. £35 of that for food. £65 for everything else. That does not make 27k and sure, you want to have a life of more luxury but do you know what? Grown up life is not like that. Look harder for a job and earn your own money.

@literalviolence - I wasn't looking to save 7k to live in luxury, I had overestimated the cost of living in London, as I said upthread I'm now readjusting that estimate based on advice given by London universities about budgeting.

How about saying to them that you'll pay them the money when you qualify?

@HarrietJet - while my parents won't necessarily directly benefit from my career, my sister is training to be a doctor and as a result I'd like to be in a position to offer her financial support when she's a recent graduate (perhaps to help her pay for rent nearer the hospital she is working at, or to pay for a cleaner or a meal service) and not being paid very much while working very long hours. Moreover I'd like to think that should my parents need significant medical care in the future, I would do my upmost to help pay for that too.

@Franticbutterfly

nah, she’s living there now so she needs to pay now

@Calmdown14 - that's a very fair point, it would help mitigate against that kind of conflict, thank you very much for your contribution.

@Fanlover1122 so happy for you that you found it so piss easy! I have never heard that out of the mouth of any lawyer I've ever met, so you must be exceptionally intelligent, congratulations.

I’m pleased you are taking on board the comments. For me it doesn’t seem as if you discussed your plans with your DPs - just told them what you had decided and expected them to continue to fund you and you’ve been a bit surprised when they didn’t do that.

My DDs did degrees and one did a Masters - so an extra year. Neither of them just went ahead before we’d discussed their ideas and plans and how things would be arranged (financial support, living arrangements during term time and holidays etc). When they had finished studying we then discussed similar things again - but with a view to being more financially independent. There was some support required - akin to the token amount your DPs are asking for - but there was a clear understanding on both sides about how much and for how long the arrangements would last.

Don’t be the sort of person that expects everything given to them by right. Even what you think of as the norm with your peers may not be quite as it appears to you.

Personally I don't think they should charge as you're not earning enough. But I also see why they would want an adult to contribute.

Can you get a weekend/ evening job some days a week? Knackering I know but 4 hours would give you £40.

Sorry just saw you said it's not possible to work. Tbh I think they're being cruel but if they kick you out you're fucked.

So I'd guess you won't be socialising much.

I really do think you're going about this the wrong way. Your POV is "I need to spend X,Y,Z on saving, socialising and traveling to see my boyfriend, so I cant afford £30 a week" when really it should be "I need to pay my parents £30 a week therefore I only have £XXX left to socialise and visit my boyfriend, and can't really afford to save much".

You won't seek work because you won't have time to commute and visit your boyfriend at weekends, so instead you want to save instead.

But because you're wanting to SAVE nearly £600 a month, you can't afford to pay your parents £120?

I think you have your priorities all wrong. When you finish training and start working properly I think you'll be in for a shock when you see things like tax and NI taken off your paypacket. You have to cut your cloth accordingly so you might as well learn to do it now. Socialising and visiting boyfriends comes after the boring stuff like rent and essential bills. Regardless of their income I think your parents are on the ball trying to show you this life lesson. It seems like you really do need to learn to your priorities straight.

Did you really think rent and food would cost 22k a year? Perhaps have a look at the Joseph rowntree foundation mi imum income calculator to help you be more realistic.

Personally I wouldn't charge my child rent in these circumstances, providing I could afford not to

I'm normally all for adult Dc paying rent, but in these circumstances to support my DCs education Id give them a years rent free.

It's essentially still further education. I find it bizarre that so many people are against helping their child in this way.

I think it generous to fund a degree in the first place. Adult at eighteen should mean self sufficient. How long do all of you intend to prop up your children?

A lot of my worries are based on not knowing what the course workload is going to be like or what my peers will expect in terms of socialising (no one wants to be the one kill-joy who doesn't join in with rounds)

And this is exactly why your parents are asking for a board contribution. You can’t put your desire to keep up with the jones and be generous with rounds above basics like rent and board.

Well obviously £30 won’t cover much of what you cost them in terms of food ect. However, if I could afford it as it sounds like they can - then I wouldn’t charge you anything and would consider you as still a student.

Is it likely that they will give you your contribution back next year? It is something I would consider doing as a way to help you save for what will be an expensive year next year?

you do have to consider though that there will be many young people living at home in their first and poorly paid jobs who will be paying quite a bit more than £30 to their parents.

You are hilarious. What in 2 yrs when ops pay with the Company she has a j9b with is 55k in 2 years she'll struggle? How much do you earn? As she'll already be 20k over the average in a job where her pay will double again to 9ver 100k in another 2 yrs so I hardly think your point makes sense.

You might but the gov expect parents to contribute up to 25 years old.

Even for adult kids with more disposable income than many working adults?

Thank you for the calculator recommendation, that's a really useful tool. It recommends net income of £24, 876 and that's without factoring in being based in London so maybe £27,000 isn't actually too far off the mark.

I guess I thought by saving I was actually doing my parents a bigger favour because the sooner I move out, the sooner they get their house back to themselves. Everyone on this thread has talked about 'you're an adult, you need to stand on your own two feet' and I thought showing a commitment to moving out as quickly as possible was demonstrating that, so it's been really useful to hear that some parents would actually prefer moving out to be less of a priority.

Being an adult would be allowing your parents to choose rather than offering them this bizarre no option I’m doing you a favour attitude.

I see it from both sides. It is obviously a lot of money to you but only because you have chosen to only give yourself £5,000 to spend out of the £12,000. You could give them the £1,560 (30x52 weeks) and still have £5,440 of the maintenance loan leftover for next year. If you don't pay them, they'll frankly just get annoyed and resent you a bit because they know you have this money. They'll also see you going out/getting deliveries and question or guilt you.
I also get your point of view though. I'm an adult student at home and my parents are well off so any additional money from me wouldn't make much difference to them. All I could afford to give them is £200pm but they have said they rather I keep this to save.
If they want to charge you rent, pay it. You're living at home for free as an adult and £120 a month is really not a lot...