Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

If you are in full time education your parents should be supporting you, not charging you rent. There’s no honor in paying them rent any more than a school child doing this.

There is zero comparison between op and a school child. Quite bizarre that you can't see the difference.

I wouldn't charge you, as you're still studying.

I’m not sure it’s fair to expect your parents to charge you basically nothing for the first year, so that you can afford to rent a place in the second year.

I don’t think the second year is more demanding that the first tbh (what used to be called CPE and LPC - i don’t know what they’re called now! Everyone in my day said CPE was harder - the law conversion course).

You could live with parents for both years and pay them a proper amount?

The second year is no longer the LPC, it's the SQE. Part 1 of the SQE has a 77% pass rate and part 2 has a 51% pass rate, so I think it's valid to be concerned about the academic workload, particularly given the SQE has only been in play for three years or so so it's a relatively unknown entity with few past papers.

A child in full time education can sue their parents for maintenance up to the age of 25. I knew people at uni who did this.

it’s exactly the same thing as a school child- children who are studying full time should not be obliged to borrow money to pay their parents, especially when their parents don’t need the money. The very least the parents should be doing is not charging op.

Op, you're taking a bit of a hammering here from some people - 12 pages saying mostly the same thing is more than enough for someone to get the jist.

I'd like to say that I find your posts and responses very mature, articulate and thoughtful. It's nice to have a thread that doesn't become defensive or silent. You're clearly on the right path. Whatever you decide to do re. payments to your parents, I think the fact you're examining it and taking feedback onboard is great.

Personally, in the situation you describe I probably wouldn’t charge you anything, however your parents have every right to do so if they wish.

£30 per week is such a small amount that I wouldn’t rock the boat if I were you. Work on Saturday mornings for 3 hours for a care company or something similar - they always need staff - it’ll cover your rent and give you an insight into a world you don’t know exists.

@SueVineer A child in full time education can sue their parents for maintenance up to the age of 25. I knew people at uni who did this.

Suuuure you did.

I do not think £30 is unreasonable at all. One shift at a weekend somewhere would more than cover that.

I'd consider staying at home for the second year too if you can - you can read / study to some degree on the train, & coming home to a clean house & a hot meal for £30/week sounds AMAZING.

My mum wanted to charge me £300/month (⅓ of my wages) to share a room with my younger brother in the mid-2000s though so I might be envious 😅 (I moved out).

If you move out some of that "gained" time by reducing the commute will be taken up by food shopping, cooking & cleaning.

Honestly I'd stick at home if you can & save a big deposit so you can skip straight to buying.

I would pay what they ask graciously (and by direct debit).
I think that it's less about the money and more about the contribution. It will reduce the friction of 'you are spending on X but can't pay us'. So I'd think of it more as a tax on harmonious living!
It's only £1500 over the whole year. You could earn that with a couple of weeks work in the holidays.

I do understand they could charge you nothing and you could save more but I can also see from their point of view why you making the effort will make it easier that you have your money to spend as you please and they have theirs. Blurring this with you costing them money is where problems or resentment arise.

If these earnings numbers are right then your parents are being completely irrational. You need to invest into your education at this point, and will reap rewards, very soon. I suggest that instead you write down all the support you've received from them at university, and add in a decent rate of contribution for the year's accommodation, and keep track of that with, if you like, a commercial interest rate. Then pay them the whole lot back. You'll be able to do this fairly soon. They are investing in you, they have been your whole life (sorry to be brutally economic about parenting!) and they will reap rewards.

But they won't reap those rewards by keeping you unnecessarily short at a key point in your education. I think you're right about the need to socialise and make contacts with others on your course. And law conversion is a tough course -- you don't want a part-time job alongside it. Point out to them that they'd be diminishing the quality of their investment.

@Soverymuchfruit But they won't reap those rewards by keeping you unnecessarily short at a key point in your education.

£30 a week is not keeping her short in any way though!

What rewards will op's parents reap from her career?

Op, what will your schedule look like in year 2? Do you need to be in London 5 days a week?

In your shoes, I'd try to stay at home both years to save money.

If you can't make the commute work in year 2, it's worth looking for a Mon-Fri room - they're normally spare rooms in someone's house rented to people who need to be in London for work but go home at the weekends. They can be a lot cheaper than a full time place.

I might offer my child a free place to live in this situation but I might not. I certainly wouldn't expect them to grumble about being asked to pay £30 per week from an income of £1000 per month. You can't afford to save £7000 in one year as you are only earning £12000. I can't afford to save £7000 either and I earn considerably more!

If you were my dd and I could afford it I wouldn’t charge you.
But once you’re qualified and earning remember who facilitated you. Good luck. You sound fab.

All your finances are back to front IMO.
You should be thinking of this year first and how you can get by living at home.
Your first convo is with your Parents and if they agree for you to come back and live at home (not a given) then they state the price per week and you pay it. Then you calculate what else you need in priority order. Then you will have the figure of what you can save for the second year (if anything).

Just because your parents have good jobs, savings, financial security doesn’t mean you do, or that you should benefit from it.
If you want to have more savings for year 2 then you get a proper job and make it happen. Working 5 hours a week, or even 25 hours a week is laughable to me. I studied whilst working FT And PT, while bringing up an SEN child completely on my own. No parental help, so it clearly can be done.

£30 a week is very low in the grand scheme of things and I wouldn't argue it. Another poster suggested paying £15pw over two years instead which could work?

Don't get a part time job while studying. I did the LPC and understand it is now the SQE, but either way it's a very intense course and lots of people will fail. People who tried to balance work and studying on my course found it very challenging and it definitely impacted their studies.

I've seen a few scoffs at socialising - this is very important as networking is a huge part of being a lawyer and it really will stand you in good stead.

I know you've said you've tried to find work this summer but my suggestion would be to keep trying. If you worked full time for a month even, you would have most of the £30pw rent paid for!

Maybe going against the grain here....but personally given the exact circumstances you are in I don't think I would charge you to live at home.

It sounds like your parents don't need the money to pay their bills and are just doing it out of principle to teach about the value of money (fair enough). However from what I can gather this additional time in education is required for your chosen career path, so not just fritting away time without gain (as many young people are at 21).

Personally I think I'd allow you to live at home for the year as long as you were saving towards next year (ie if I saw you jetting off on overseas holidays etc I'd be questioning the decision), and also as long as you were pulling your weight at home and contributing to the family in other ways.

I also don't think its unreasonable for a 21 year old to want to socialise and see her boyfriend, these are all important elements of becoming an adult.

I say all this as a 30 year old who always paid a third of my wages to my parents while at home, plus bought and cooked my own food. However, my parents did need the money at the time.

I'd like to think my own daughter (shes only 3 so hopefully i don't need to worry about it for a LONG time!) would feel able to have this discussion with me. Are you able to lay out the situation and see if you can reach an agreement that works for everyone? Ultimately I don't think either party are being unreasonable here but an honest conversation may help them see your side and you theirs.

All the best x

I mean really? The LPC is one of the easiest courses and exams I ever did!

As for the SQE pass rates - yes, low - BUT a lot of legal apprentices are sitting SQE and they are working four days a week doing their TC....the pass rate is a lot higher if not working.

@Mayhem3

well youll be better off when they move out won’t you? As there won’t be another person living in the house using gas, using electricity, causing wear and tear, eating food, etc etc

@HarrietJet
Probably none

@AwkwardPaws27

even if she does pay the £30 per week she will still need to contribute to the cleaning and cooking. Not just coming home to a clean house and a hot home cooked meal every night 🙄