Am I being AIBU not wanting brother to visit with his kids?

[Chocolatelover87]

So my brother has two kids aged 7 and 13.

We live an hour apart and they don’t visit often but on the last two occasions there have been some issues.

The kids will often just wonder in all the bedrooms and go through all my things, they run riot around the house and the 7 year old broke two of my cats toys.

The house was almost flooded as one of the toilets is severely blocked ( the kids wouldn’t of known this ) but I thought thought they they would of used the toilet first seeing as it is an en-suite in my bedroom.

I find the visits very stressful because the parents don’t seem to discipline the kids and afterwards the kids will leave a huge mess leaving me to clean up after them and I have to keep watching the 7 year old as he is very naughty and loves breaking things.

I don’t particularly like my SIL as she is quite rude and bit of a stirrer.

My brother and his wife have just invited themselves over and I’m not sure if I should just make an excuse or address the issues but this is the 3rd time they have invited themselves over and I have made an excuse.

My brother and SIL also never invite me or my sister to there house and all these meetings seem to be at my house which I think is a bit unfair.

A 13 year old is far too old to be going through drawers and cupboards, it indicates a basic lack of respect and they will know better but obviously don’t care. I wouldn’t be entertaining them and I would be honest about why. If you can’t bear it now imagine how you’ll feel with a new baby in the house. On the plus side, you will be well aware of how you don’t want your own child to behave so that will doubtless be beneficial to you on your parenting journey. Good luck with your new baby and don’t feel responsible for maintaining a relationship with your brother or SIL - they sound toxic and ineffectual and to be mercenary about it, they are no practical use to you whatsoever.

A lack of boundaries seems to be a big issue on all sides. Being honest is not rude in this instance. You should tell him that his kids don't respect your house and you'd rather not go through that again. If they get upset, so be it. What loss will there be, when your brother, sil and their kids don't really respect you anyway? Many people have no issue being selfish or disrespectful, they only have an issue if you mention the effect of that behaviour. If you don't tell him, you'll be making excuses and running away from the truth forever. Time to set some boundaries and lose the fear of potentially upsetting people. Your feelings matter too, but nobody else will respect your feelings if you don't respect them yourself.

Hi there, yes I agree a lack of boundaries on both sides appears to be the case here.

Some very good advice offered here.

Brother will just invite himself over and last time at my parents he was making all these big plans for him & his kids, our siblings & parents to come over to mine.

He never asked me, he was telling me which really annoyed me, I just told him I was busy working and since then any mention of a visit I will ma

Oops posted too early.

Continuing on.. I will just make an excuse and he never hosts anyone at his house.

Part of the reason they enjoy coming is because I live in a semi rural area with access to a big field in which my neighbour kindly allows them to play on.

In future if he asks again I will just tell him straight “ the kids go through all my things, bedroom etc and I feel as if they don’t respect my house & I would rather not go through the stress again” and leave it at that.

In another persons' houses, kids need to be taught how to behave themselves when they are guests and have no right to run amok like wild animals.

This kind of thing never happened years ago because kids knew their place and would have to sit quietly whilst adults spoke....I admit, from the childs point of view, this was like watching paint dry.

I would not be suprised if this behaviour is down to a lack of the right type of discipline from adults not teaching the kids how to behave so it may not be the faults of the kids.

If this happened in my home, I would tell them immediatly to leave, this is regardless of wether the kids belonged to friends or relatives.

Its up to you what you do here OP and I totally sympathise with you.

Agree to host once more, with provisos. When making the arrangements tell the adults that if the children are not respecting your property eg: no going upstairs (there is nothing up there for them), staying within eyesight or in the garden, then you will cut the visit short. Keep it matter of fact. Their kids are feral. That conversation may be uncomfortable for a few minutes, but better a few minutes than feeling uncomfortable for years ahead. If they get the hump say OK, what do you suggest and leave the ball in their court.

That still doesn't really explain or get to the nub of why you're moving closer to these people instead of at the very very least an equal distance away from them in the opposite direction.

There is genuinely nothing in your response to say why you are moving closer to your mother and your abusive brother.

Your cousins that you are close to will travel to see you if you move away from these other family members. Honestly they will.

I am almost 6 months pregnant and the last thing I want is to be stressed over the kids running round my house making a mess and then afterwards cleaning up after them.

Souvenir’s purchased were also stolen from my house by these kids which I had purchased from my holidays to the US.

Like I say my brother never offers to host at his house so I will not welcome future visits to my house from him.

I didn’t say I wanted to move closer to my parents or my brother, I want to be closer to my cousins ( don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to be close to supportive family ).

And no my cousins will not travel to see me with them caring for my elderly disabled aunt who requires full time care and for obvious reasons I want to be close to.

Good OP, just put your foot down with a firm NO and tell him exactly why.

Your house, you get to choose who is admitted, you can say Fuck Off to your horrible brother and his feral offspring.

Take no more shit from anyone 💯

Ah, you’ve made a list. I don’t think you can come back once you have started to make a list of everything they have ever done wrong, you just continue adding to it and feeling like a martyr.
boundaries. You should have enforced them earlier. Not liking confrontation doesn’t make you a nice person, it makes you an in effective one. Everyone pretty much hates confrontation but we do it. While feeling crap before, during and after. But our feelings are irrelevant, so long as you communicate your boundaries with respect and don’t wait till you blow up you have handled your side of the exchange

'Not liking confrontation doesn’t make you a nice person, it makes you an in effective one.'

That's harsh, but very true. People pleasing is a seductive habit, but it gets you absolutely nowhere

I always set boundaries for other kids in my house and make sure my immediate family know to enforce them. Stay downstairs, don't climb or throw things and no coloured drinks in the living room. I bring age appropriate toys downstairs for them to play with.

Today I had my brother and his very boisterous kids round. My teenagers helped implement the rules and to entertain them. They played with a tea set, castle and marble run and my kids helped them tidy up after each one. We had lunch at the table, went to the park and when everyone was exhausted watched some octonauts calmly. A very successful 6 hours and nothing broken.

Lock your bedroom, with a key mean!
Also, talk to your brother! Between siblings you should just speak up!

At those ages they are certainly not too young to understand what they aren't supposed to do.

I don't understand how your brother threw you out of your home - where were your parents?

Your brother, ans his family are total arseholes. Your life will be so much better without them in it.

Parents stood back and did nothing, they themselves were awful parents and were quite abusive to myself and my siblings.

Ooops, sorry I posted before reading this.

Don't move closer to your family. Any of them (except maybe your sister). Do you really want these people around your child?

It's what zoom was made for

Don’t worry OP, I know how this feels!! I have a similar issue with a 7 year old relative.

we stopped letting them over. There’s been another baby since both sides and we don’t have them over here. We visit there, even though it’s over an hour away. I can’t be dealing with my or my LO’s stuff breaking or going missing. It’s no fun having people over just to clear up after. Believe it or not, a bookcase got ripped off the wall once!!!! We didn’t bother addressing it all, we couldn’t be bothered with an argument, we just don’t have them over anymore and they haven’t even noticed!

I think you need to be clear and concise "that doesn't work for me. Let me check and come back to you".

Rinse and repeat. Don't get back to them. Arrange to be out of the house if you think they'll turn up anyway.

I have three boys and not once have they done any of the things you describe, don't listen to those trying to explain away their behaviour. It's not on at all. And you don't have to accept it just because you're related.

Can I just suggest not using the "I would rather not". There's still a bit of ambiguity there. After all, I would rather not get out of my warm bed on a freezing morning, but I still do it! Also, it's just expressing a preference, and he doesn't give a stuff about your preferences, only his own.

So, tighten up the language. Jettison all the polite little euphemisms we all use and be totally blunt and unambiguous. No 'I would prefer', 'I feel' or anything less than 'no', 'never' and 'hell, no!'.

'Your children are thieving ferals, you and your wife are ineffective and neglectful parents and hell will freeze over before any of you ever set foot in my house again' would be my go-to. You might prefer to strip it down a bit, 'You and your children show no respect for my home to the point that I dread your visits, so from now on you will host any visits and you will never enter my house again.' Maybe round it off with 'you are no longer welcome' when he starts objecting, as I'm sure he will.

What kind of relationship do you have with your brother that you can't tell him what his kids are doing? When they are running around, tell them at the time to stop and come and sit down, tell them bedrooms are out of bounds.

I like the idea that someone said, say oh it's your time to host just let me know when's convenient. If they never have people over they may say we prefer to come to yours, just say well I prefer to come to yours for a change. Play them at their own game.