Am I being AIBU not wanting brother to visit with his kids?

[Chocolatelover87]

So my brother has two kids aged 7 and 13.

We live an hour apart and they don’t visit often but on the last two occasions there have been some issues.

The kids will often just wonder in all the bedrooms and go through all my things, they run riot around the house and the 7 year old broke two of my cats toys.

The house was almost flooded as one of the toilets is severely blocked ( the kids wouldn’t of known this ) but I thought thought they they would of used the toilet first seeing as it is an en-suite in my bedroom.

I find the visits very stressful because the parents don’t seem to discipline the kids and afterwards the kids will leave a huge mess leaving me to clean up after them and I have to keep watching the 7 year old as he is very naughty and loves breaking things.

I don’t particularly like my SIL as she is quite rude and bit of a stirrer.

My brother and his wife have just invited themselves over and I’m not sure if I should just make an excuse or address the issues but this is the 3rd time they have invited themselves over and I have made an excuse.

My brother and SIL also never invite me or my sister to there house and all these meetings seem to be at my house which I think is a bit unfair.

@Chocolatelover87

You need to be very clear indeed about your boundaries and be prepared to defend them against your family, including your mother I'm afraid. Start now, this minute, with them invading your home and disrespecting your personal space. If they blow up then they do: if you don't assert yourself you will always be rolled over and not just by your nasty brother and his wife.

Perhaps write a pros and cons list about what you don't tolerate and how to deal with the pushback. How will you respond to their entitled behaviour?

I have heard "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I don't think that's 100% the case, but I think it is in this situation. 🌹

My DH has a grown up niece who has 3 children 5,4,2 and they are an absolute nightmare they have no respect or manners, they are now no longer allowed in our home because after a few visits and our home been disrespected we had enough we told the niece she needs to discipline the children but she just ignores us.
We now meet them at local parks the bonus of this is when we have had enough we can just leave when they used to visit us they would definitely over stay their welcome and conveniently be around for meal times I don’t mind giving anyone a meal but feeding an extra 5 people is pushing it.

I have 4 children aged between 15 and 32 and I assure you they have never gone upstairs in a house without permission and would never go into someone's bedroom unless accompanied by the person. They also never made a mess, or if they did and they were young I would have cleared it up myself.

Being pregnant/having a tiny baby/toddler gives you the perfect excuse not to have them over and should be able to spin that excuse out long enough for the 7yo to stop rifling through your stuff. Surely there must be a national trust place/beach/nice park/woodland where you can meet for lunch and the kids can run riot? The deep rooted issues with your brother are a different thing, why did your parents allow him to kick you out? I can’t imagine a time where my son calls the shots in my house, particularly about the welfare of his sister

Don’t listen to the people telling you that kids are just being kids when they make a mess. 7 and 13 year olds are perfectly capable of sitting nicely, not chucking food about and understanding that you don’t go rifling through drawers in other people’s houses.

As for throwing plates on the floor that’s just ridiculous and your brother and SIL are clearly either failing to parent or deliberately encouraging their kids to behave like this in your house, which given your description of your brother’s behaviour towards you would not be surprising.

don’t ever have them in your house again and take steps to limit contact with them. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to have any sort of bond or interaction with them!

Not the point of the thread I know, but why did your parents let your brother throw you out of their house? What were they doing while this was going on? We're they scared of him too?

Its clear from your post you are childless - so with respect its possible you don't have much tolerance for some normal (though be it - annoying) behaviours. I was the same before my kids I promise!

Jesus Christ 🙄

You don’t have to have any relationship with anyone who treats you badly, adult or child. Why would you want to be close to these children? They will grow up just like your abusive brother and will not be kind to your baby.
Why would you want to be close to an abusive relative? I agree with the poster who questioned the family dynamics with your parents and sister who seem to condone his past and present behaviour by keeping silent. Even if you do move closer to your parents you do not have to have contact with him. Babysit those little shits? Hell would freeze over first. And I understand how difficult it is to say no. And if you do cut contact and he is angry, that rather proves the point that he is horrible bully with no remorse for past or present behaviour.

Not sure you really want to keep a relationship with them? I mean do you want those kids to be friends with yours when older, if they haven't changed? Btw you're pregnant, which means no holes barred - you and baby come first. Keep them out your house!

Holds not holes... sorry typo 😅

Parents stood back and did nothing, they themselves were awful parents and were quite abusive to myself and my siblings.

My brother used to be quite an aggressive bully when he was younger and as he is the eldest child he think’s he can control people.

I really struggled in my late teens & early 20’s and was forced to grow up quickly.
Somehow I managed to find my own place, get a job, save money and eventually meet Mr Right.

I was willing to forgive them and make amends and made an effort with them at all, brought the kids presents at birthday and Xmas’s etc, but now I feel differently.

Family gathering at my house are defo off limits and if they invite themselves over again I will just be honest & tell them how I feel, if feelings get hurt then so be it.

Nobody cared about mine at 17 when I was homeless.

A lot of helpful and supportive advice, much appreciated! Xx

Why are you moving closer to parents then? What is the purpose of forgiving and forgetting? You don't owe them anything due to your history so do they enhance your life now? Would you let them babysit your precious DC given how they treated you and fail to mind your nephews behaviours?

Fuck all of that.

Why not move further away and go low to no contact with the lot of them?

It is my home town and I have several cousins that live there whom I am extremely close too and unfortunately it is also where parents and brother live.

Since I was a teenager it has been embedded in me that I am a bad person and that I am always in the wrong hence why I tried to repair a relationship with them, but having counselling earlier in the year made me analyse things and give me the strength to finally stand up for myself.

So these kids of your brothers are your nephews. You are their auntie. You are allowed to tell them not to go in your room. If they aren't listening you don't have to do the nicey, nicey "We don't do that here" speech. You can tell them off! And you can tell your brother too. At this point, if it causes a fall out, it doesn't sound like it would be a great loss. A bit of mess or plates of food wouldn't bother you so much if you actually wanted a relationship with them. So telling them straight i.e "I'm sick of telling you/your kids, to stop going in my room!" will be win, win either way. It either changes their behaviour or you don't have to see them again.

He is still bullying you by how he and his family treat you. He expects you to put up with it.

Is there a cultural reason that you won’t stand up to him?

What hogwash, those are badly behaved kids with no boundaries. You sound like one of those parents who think the sun shines out of their kids arses and turn a blind eye to everything they do with the excuse they are just kids.

Just stop the visits. They won't be happy as they probably like the fact that the kids range around and someone else has to clean up the mess, but that's not your problem.
Make excuses - oh, we're in a mess this week doing some tidying up before the baby comes or some other excuse. Text if it's easier.
People like this are very direct about their needs ie coming to your house without being invited, and that gives you the right to be very direct back. More than once if necessary. They will eventually get the hint and the habit of your place being one that they can use and abuse will gradually die off.

Just saw your recent update. Birth order is meaningless when everyone has grown up. Older kids no longer have the right to bully younger ones as payback for daring to be born and stealing their thunder. Harder for bullies to accept than those who were bullied, but that's how it is!

Tell them what you told us!
They know their children and how they behave.

YANBU!
100% agree it's time to start setting boundaries with your brother. But also understand that is easier said than done, knowing you've had to put up with his unchecked abusive behaviour all your life. It won't be easy.
But just take small steps. Like refusing this visit. When I had to start setting boundaries with family members, it didn't go down well. I read a quote once - "the only people who won't like you setting boundaries are those people who benefited from you having none!"

Expect push back from your brother and Sister-in-law, they won't like that you're recognising the dynamic is bad and trying to do something about it.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this while you're pregnant but it's better that you start now then having to deal with this behaviour when you have your own child.

They are your nephews. You have to see them for a few hours in the arse end of never. Your brother lives with this daily. Say a silent prayer that you have cats, suck it up and just try and enjoy seeing your family! Kids do make mess and they are loud and your house will notice, but then they will leave.

Wow.. Seems a bit crazy risking a big blow up over some kid mess... is it really a biggy, who knows what's around the cover.. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us!.. Enjoy the time you have with the family you have, while you still have them to

Your brother is a cunt and he is enjoying bullying you still.

I'd tell him to get to fuck and have nothing more to do with him and his awful children.

You might be fine giving up energy to bullying arseholes but I wouldn't be recommending it to others. Family or no.

Enjoy the time you have with the family you have, while you still have them to

Lol. Have you read her posts. Her brother is a weapons grade dick, he comes to her home and sits on his arse while his kids trash the place.

She can still meet him out for the sake of 'family', but she is well within her rights to protect her own space now that she's an adult.

that is one of the things that adulthood gives you, ideally - the right to say who comes into your home.