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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being AIBU not wanting brother to visit with his kids?

146 replies

Chocolatelover87 · 26/07/2023 16:19

So my brother has two kids aged 7 and 13.

We live an hour apart and they don’t visit often but on the last two occasions there have been some issues.

The kids will often just wonder in all the bedrooms and go through all my things, they run riot around the house and the 7 year old broke two of my cats toys.

The house was almost flooded as one of the toilets is severely blocked ( the kids wouldn’t of known this ) but I thought thought they they would of used the toilet first seeing as it is an en-suite in my bedroom.

I find the visits very stressful because the parents don’t seem to discipline the kids and afterwards the kids will leave a huge mess leaving me to clean up after them and I have to keep watching the 7 year old as he is very naughty and loves breaking things.

I don’t particularly like my SIL as she is quite rude and bit of a stirrer.

My brother and his wife have just invited themselves over and I’m not sure if I should just make an excuse or address the issues but this is the 3rd time they have invited themselves over and I have made an excuse.

My brother and SIL also never invite me or my sister to there house and all these meetings seem to be at my house which I think is a bit unfair.

OP posts:
HerAvatar · 26/07/2023 18:10

Do the kids also trash your parents house OP, or is it just yours?

Original poster
Chocolatelover87 · 26/07/2023 18:23

HerAvatar · 26/07/2023 18:10

Do the kids also trash your parents house OP, or is it just yours?

Thanks for the replies everyone.
I guess I just don’t confrontation or to hurt people’s feelings.

No they run riot in pretty much every family members house.
My parents aren’t too keen on having them
over to babysit either as the 7 year old will just keep slamming doors , deliberately spilling drinks on their laminate floor etc.

OP posts:
TheMamaYo · 26/07/2023 18:26

‘Let’s meet at yours this time. It’ll give me a chance to relax for once, and the children will have all their stuff to entertain themselves. ‘

Why would you let your parents have to put up with it though? Surely it’s not your place to invite them to theirs instead? That’s unreasonable.

GardeningIdiot · 26/07/2023 18:28

The parents are well aware of the problems but SIL dosent seem bothered.

Is your brother bothered? Presumably not.

Definitely don't inflict them on your parents.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 18:34

Tell them you're not up for visitors today and then stop answering your phone to then.

JussathoB · 26/07/2023 18:35

Suggest you go to his house or meet somewhere.
Or say yes it would be lovely but can they ensure the children don’t go all over the house … house rules are they are not allowed in your bedroom etc and all food and drink to be taken in whichever room you say be that kitchen dining rm garden or whatever.
Another suggestion is that you agree that the children will be taken for a walk or play at nearby park either before or after refreshments and that some suitable films or games are available for keeping them occupied.

coxesorangepippin · 26/07/2023 18:40

That's what parks are for

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 26/07/2023 18:43

So you find them stressful in your house, they break things and leave a mess…and your answer is to dump that all on your parents instead??

pamplemoussemousse · 26/07/2023 18:48

I have a 7yo and they would not EVER treat someone's house like that. Tell them you'll meet in the park/Maccies/at theirs.

HerAvatar · 26/07/2023 18:57

Presumably they visit your parents at some point anyway OP so in that case I would try and show my face during those visits and then help your DP's clear up afterwards. At least that way the damage is limited to one house (which they would have been visiting anyway) and your DP's get some help with the aftermath and an extra pair of hands to limit the carnage while they're there. If DB suggests coming to yours then you can just say 'I'll come to DP's next time you're there instead, it's nice when we're all together!' and quickly change the subject/have to go Smile

PollyPut · 26/07/2023 19:09

Be honest with your brother. Tell them you'd like to see them but the children need to behave much better and follow basic house rules. Including eating at a table.

Consider getting a stairgate so there is a physical line they cannot easily cross (with a sign if needed to remind them).

Invite them on a day you can use the garden

Be strong, help your brother control his children otherwise they are going to have real problems in future (undisciplined children might be expelled from secondary school - they really need to learn).

PollyPut · 26/07/2023 19:10

I would also meet them at a park for a day out. much easier

Original poster
Chocolatelover87 · 26/07/2023 19:32

HerAvatar · 26/07/2023 18:57

Presumably they visit your parents at some point anyway OP so in that case I would try and show my face during those visits and then help your DP's clear up afterwards. At least that way the damage is limited to one house (which they would have been visiting anyway) and your DP's get some help with the aftermath and an extra pair of hands to limit the carnage while they're there. If DB suggests coming to yours then you can just say 'I'll come to DP's next time you're there instead, it's nice when we're all together!' and quickly change the subject/have to go Smile

Yes I will go on a day that they are visiting my parents anyway as that is what I have done on the last few occasions.

I would never just invite them to my parents house, it is always when were all due to go for a family dinner etc.

I think the problem is that both parents/kids have no manners and lack respect for other people’s property.

I have heard my bother actually tell the 13 year old “not to go through the drawers”
so he is aware that the kids go all over the house.

Birthdays/Xmas I never get a thank you for buying them presents which I think is just basic manners.
Last year I spent well over £100 on them and never even got a Christmas card so I won’t be bothering this year.

OP posts:
smartiesnskittles · 26/07/2023 20:01

You have lots of options to prevent your house being trashed.

" You always make the effort to come to us. We'll come to you this time. It's easier for your kids to be in their own environment too. What can we bring?"

" lovely to have you over. Today it would be great if you could stay downstairs and just ask if there's anything you need." Tell them off immediately and firmly.

Hufflemuff · 26/07/2023 20:07

Grin and bare it... plan a day of them coming to you and you all going out for a walk locally then to lunch somewhere, minimising their time in your home. If they go upstairs, follow them and say - "Please no going in my room this time! Perhaps we can play a game together or do some colouring together downstairs"

At the moment the way you are going you're going to end up isolated from your brother and nephews.

Its clear from your post you are childless - so with respect its possible you don't have much tolerance for some normal (though be it - annoying) behaviours. I was the same before my kids I promise!

Beautiful3 · 26/07/2023 20:16

Just say, "No we fancy getting out of the house. We'll meet you at x"

phoenixrosehere · 26/07/2023 21:12

Meet them out for meals or activities and leave it at that.

They don’t need to visit your home to see you, especially with how disrespectful they’re all being to it and I’d say the same for your parents and their home.

Allowing them to come over is enabling your brother and his wife into not doing anything about their children’s behaviour. They are too old to be behaving in such a manner.

Dotcheck · 26/07/2023 21:27

They’re your family. I would take the stress off and do an activity where you can just enjoy their company without worrying.

whatstheagendatoday · 26/07/2023 21:34

Do you have kids op? You're allowed of course to not want kids in your house, but just that the things you described do not necessarily sound like bad manners but just normal, clumsy kids. Cats toys broke? They leave plates on around? I mean, these are kids and your nieces. But each to their own. Maybe you aren't close to your brother or family, or don't know how kids are. That's ok, but a, I wouldn't label them bad mannered based on what you've said and b, you'd be unreasonable to want to have brother over without the kids. Kids come first and it's normal your brother wouldn't want to come otherwise.

whatstheagendatoday · 26/07/2023 21:38

Just a note, when you say, "I won't allow them to my parents house" , are you actually talking about their grandparents? Your brothers and your parents? Why are you talking for them, shouldn't they have a say in this? I'm a bit confused.

Original poster
Chocolatelover87 · 27/07/2023 06:33

whatstheagendatoday · 26/07/2023 21:38

Just a note, when you say, "I won't allow them to my parents house" , are you actually talking about their grandparents? Your brothers and your parents? Why are you talking for them, shouldn't they have a say in this? I'm a bit confused.

It was in response when someone else had posted “why am I invited them over to my parents house without asking them”?

I understand that kids are clumsy but I dont think it’s very nice to have kids go in your bedroom and go through all your personal things and some things were taken too.

I am currently pregnant with my first child and do not want the added stress of them visiting as I find it very stressful and like I mentioned it isn’t as if my brother ever invites me or my sister to his house.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 27/07/2023 07:14

I'm currently refusing sleepovers with my niece. I say no and remind her of such and such behaviour that resulted in the ban. Just tell them you're anxious about keeping your house nice after previous experience of their visits and would rather meet elsewhere. They can't force their way into your house!

Lottapianos · 27/07/2023 09:03

'Its clear from your post you are childless - so with respect its possible you don't have much tolerance for some normal (though be it - annoying) behaviours. I was the same before my kids I promise!'

There is nothing 'normal' about a 7 and a 13 year old going into bedrooms that they have been told to stay out of, and rooting through drawers! And they are plenty old enough to be told to pick up after themselves and not leave plates all over the floor

The parents sound ridiculously wet OP. Not a chance they would be setting foot in my house again after that

Original poster
Chocolatelover87 · 27/07/2023 11:27

whatstheagendatoday · 26/07/2023 21:34

Do you have kids op? You're allowed of course to not want kids in your house, but just that the things you described do not necessarily sound like bad manners but just normal, clumsy kids. Cats toys broke? They leave plates on around? I mean, these are kids and your nieces. But each to their own. Maybe you aren't close to your brother or family, or don't know how kids are. That's ok, but a, I wouldn't label them bad mannered based on what you've said and b, you'd be unreasonable to want to have brother over without the kids. Kids come first and it's normal your brother wouldn't want to come otherwise.

Sorry I’m not sure why having kids is relevant to my post?
And I never mentioned kids not being allowed?

I have plenty of kids over to my house who don’t go through all my things, go into my bedroom, steal my things and damage my property.

To me the above behaviour is bad mannered and shows a lack of respect for other people’s property.

Like I have mentioned I find the visits stressful and it is me who has to replace things that have been damaged.

OP posts:
GardeningIdiot · 27/07/2023 11:35

Definitely worth setting some boundaries with your brother now - the last thing you want is this family trying to insist on visiting when you have a newborn.

There's no harm in telling him the truth, if he gets offended that's OK too. It's his choice to let them run wild.