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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being AIBU not wanting brother to visit with his kids?

146 replies

Chocolatelover87 · 26/07/2023 16:19

So my brother has two kids aged 7 and 13.

We live an hour apart and they don’t visit often but on the last two occasions there have been some issues.

The kids will often just wonder in all the bedrooms and go through all my things, they run riot around the house and the 7 year old broke two of my cats toys.

The house was almost flooded as one of the toilets is severely blocked ( the kids wouldn’t of known this ) but I thought thought they they would of used the toilet first seeing as it is an en-suite in my bedroom.

I find the visits very stressful because the parents don’t seem to discipline the kids and afterwards the kids will leave a huge mess leaving me to clean up after them and I have to keep watching the 7 year old as he is very naughty and loves breaking things.

I don’t particularly like my SIL as she is quite rude and bit of a stirrer.

My brother and his wife have just invited themselves over and I’m not sure if I should just make an excuse or address the issues but this is the 3rd time they have invited themselves over and I have made an excuse.

My brother and SIL also never invite me or my sister to there house and all these meetings seem to be at my house which I think is a bit unfair.

OP posts:
GardeningIdiot · 27/07/2023 11:40

This might be helpful, OP: www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-set-boundaries/

Jk987 · 27/07/2023 11:46

You're still their Aunty so having a good bond is important. Good that the family want to see you and make an effort.

I'd go out to the park with them and take a picnic. Say to your bro about the behaviour though.

Drenchend · 27/07/2023 11:47

It sounds awful op but also clear you don't have a relationship with them.

Is there anything you could do to 1:1 try to engage them?

Share somethings you are interested in with them?

Try and bond because they will be possibly easier to manage...

Original poster
Chocolatelover87 · 27/07/2023 11:51

GardeningIdiot · 27/07/2023 11:35

Definitely worth setting some boundaries with your brother now - the last thing you want is this family trying to insist on visiting when you have a newborn.

There's no harm in telling him the truth, if he gets offended that's OK too. It's his choice to let them run wild.

Yes I think it will cause problems as my sister and her family will be visiting me but her kids are very well behaved and they are of similar age to my brother’s kids.

OP posts:
Drenchend · 27/07/2023 11:59

Op you don't have to tell off the child.

But has anyone said "Jim, why did you just do that." hard stare... Why did you deliberately spill /break /leave plate on the floor...

That makes me feel like you didn't respect me or my home.
Is that true?
Would you like to come here again? I really enjoy seeing you but I dint like it when you do xyz...

If you want to come back ( thunk of something fun to do) then you need too stopped this

Sounds like parents don't know how to manage them and they are struggling.

GardeningIdiot · 27/07/2023 12:06

Jk987 · 27/07/2023 11:46

You're still their Aunty so having a good bond is important. Good that the family want to see you and make an effort.

I'd go out to the park with them and take a picnic. Say to your bro about the behaviour though.

Shit parenting makes being an involved aunt really difficult.

tootallfortheshelf · 27/07/2023 12:08

Am I being am I being unreasonable??

Original poster
Chocolatelover87 · 27/07/2023 12:10

Yeah I understand what your saying and I agree it is important having a relationship with them.

I think a lot of the issues are deep rooted as my brother who is 12 years older then me made my life hell as a teenager.

He threw me out of my parents house when I was 17 ( for drinking and having boyfriends ) and I really struggled in my late teens and early 20s.
Him and my cousins were quite abusive too me, so I find it hard repairing a relationship with him and his family.

OP posts:
tootallfortheshelf · 27/07/2023 12:10

. . . don't let them visit distance yourself from them, you don't want them around when baby gets here, they sound like arseholes !

tootallfortheshelf · 27/07/2023 12:12

Jk987 · 27/07/2023 11:46

You're still their Aunty so having a good bond is important. Good that the family want to see you and make an effort.

I'd go out to the park with them and take a picnic. Say to your bro about the behaviour though.

It's important to have a good bond with people who are assholes have no boundaries and treat you like shit?
I don't think so ... unless you fancy life as a door mat?

Ohhmydays · 27/07/2023 12:13

If someone is at mine with there kids and there doing stuff they aren't meant to be doing i have no problem telling them to stop doing what they are doing or they will have to sit next to there parent for the duration of the time they are here. I also have no problem telling my sister to get her kid in check if he starts playing up

Irridescantshimmmer · 27/07/2023 12:18

Just be firm, as well as direct and say no.

They caused enough bother last time, make it clear they are not welcome.

Just be assertive, its your home so they don't trash it again.

Intercrapper · 27/07/2023 12:24

I read your update op. Sounds like allowing your children to destroy your stuff is more of a power trip for your brother. Don’t let them in!

Intercrapper · 27/07/2023 12:24

HIS children!

& congratulations!

tootallfortheshelf · 27/07/2023 12:32

Chocolatelover87 · 27/07/2023 12:10

Yeah I understand what your saying and I agree it is important having a relationship with them.

I think a lot of the issues are deep rooted as my brother who is 12 years older then me made my life hell as a teenager.

He threw me out of my parents house when I was 17 ( for drinking and having boyfriends ) and I really struggled in my late teens and early 20s.
Him and my cousins were quite abusive too me, so I find it hard repairing a relationship with him and his family.

It's not your job to repair this relationship they are the ones who have sabotaged it.

Your brother is despicable bully, he threw you out of your own home when you were just 17 years old, that's awful absolutely awful-who the fuck does he think he is??
He's trying to do the same thing now, make you feel as if you have no power over what happens in your own home.
I notice it's the same old dominaring male script, trying to get in control of you when you are vulnerable because you're pregnant, he will let his children bully your child just like he bullied you.
You have to put a stop to this pull up the drawbridge don't let them in, keep them out of your life.

Dozycuntlaters · 27/07/2023 12:33

Your brother and his wife/kids sound dreadful. You don't have to have a bond with them at all and to be honest, if he was abusive to you when you were a kid why would you even want to? Would you spend time with him if you weren't related by blood?

Just decline. Be honest. Tell him you don't enjoy his unruly kids trashing your house and you don't want them to come over. If you do want some semblance of a relationship then meet somewhere neutral but if I were you I would not be having them in my house.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/07/2023 12:33

So your brother is an arsehole, as is his wife and kids. He has no respect for you and this has clearly led to the behaviours you see with his children as they can see that.

Quite honestly, I would take steps now before your baby arrives to simply say that they are not welcome to visit your home.
"We're going to come over and see you for the afternoon"
Choices:
"Happy to come to you or meet you somewhere but I'm not hosting you all again.."
"Why not"
"I've repeatedly asked you both to control your children in my house and you have pointedly refused to do so. They are far too old to be rifling through other people's stuff and to be this destructive. So I'm done."

Or the evasive but repetitive and wearing approach
"Sorry I'm busy/already have visitors coming/on holiday/will be at parents helping clean/garden"

tootallfortheshelf · 27/07/2023 12:58

Dozycuntlaters · 27/07/2023 12:33

Your brother and his wife/kids sound dreadful. You don't have to have a bond with them at all and to be honest, if he was abusive to you when you were a kid why would you even want to? Would you spend time with him if you weren't related by blood?

Just decline. Be honest. Tell him you don't enjoy his unruly kids trashing your house and you don't want them to come over. If you do want some semblance of a relationship then meet somewhere neutral but if I were you I would not be having them in my house.

He fully deserves to be told just how unruly his kids are, but at the same time I'm not sure that being confrontational with him is the best long-term strategy?

I say this because he sounds horrible and as if he will do anything he can to punish you whatever you do, might it be better to gradually ghost him and his family so that you drop off their radar and don't get hassle from them?

They sound domineering and completely undisciplined I wouldn't want them sniffing around trying to make trouble when I had a new baby, I think he will be jealous of anything that's good in your life and he will try and ruin it for you OP.

HappenstanceMarmite · 27/07/2023 14:33

What do they say when you suggest going to their house instead?

Original poster
Chocolatelover87 · 27/07/2023 15:22

HappenstanceMarmite · 27/07/2023 14:33

What do they say when you suggest going to their house instead?

I have never suggested going to his house as I would feel uncomfortable inviting myself to his house.

OP posts:
1993GoToo · 27/07/2023 15:29

Sounds like you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, by being upfront with them.

Tell them clearly they can't come to you house as they make a mess and the kids are out of control. Offer to meet at a park halfway if they are that bothered seeing you.

magicstar1 · 27/07/2023 15:30

Your brother sounds horrible. He treated you terribly in the past, and is doing the same now. If you still have them over, tell the kids they are not allowed upstairs. My cousin visited with her children and I saw one halfway upstairs, so I told him to get down. He said he was going for a look and I said he wasn't allowed...full stop. Just don't put up with it in your own house!

LookItsMeAgain · 27/07/2023 15:36

Why don't you say "oh, we were going to visit you for a change. What time should we arrive at?"

Then on this one occasion, I'd let the kids go through all of Brother and SiL's stuff, along with whatever the Nephew might have. Give you some idea as to how they react and respond when it's happening in their own place.

But that's just me.

jannier · 27/07/2023 15:38

Chocolatelover87 · 26/07/2023 16:49

I have told the kids many times not to go into my bedroom but they don’t listen and I don’t feel comfortable telling the kids off.

The parents are well aware of the problems but SIL dosent seem bothered.

They will leave food/ plates all over the floor.

I think I am probably just better of suggesting meeting at my parents house which is 10 mins away from where my brother lives.

As the parents are not parenting crack on with the telling off in front of your B.
Why do you say your SIL isn't bothered but let your B off the hook .....they are both parents?

girlfriend44 · 27/07/2023 15:41

OhComeOnFFS · 26/07/2023 16:34

"Great, we'll come to you this time"

or

"Great, we'll meet in McDonalds"

Great, we'll meet in McDonalds"

Mcdonalds lol, sure op can do better than that.