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Original poster

To not side with Sis over her ex

302 replies

PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:09

My sis & her ex (bil) were together 22 years & about 2 years ago they separated, they never married & have 2 DD 17 & 19. Prior to their separation we were always together as a foursome & saw each other several times a week plus my DH & he are very close friends. Their split was amicable & mutual, both just decided that relationship had run its course but we were all naturally upset about it. Bil moved into a flat that he owns & sis stayed in house, the house is bil’s (inherited from his parents) but he wanted kids to stay in their home so he moved out. My sis doesn’t work & bil has been paying bills, all child expenses, her credit card, her private pension & healthcare since he left but he now says once DD leaves for uni this will all stop as he’s not bank rolling her anymore & he has told my sis that once youngest DD turns 18 & leaves for uni he wants his house back. He has also met someone else which I did know about but didn’t say anything to sis as he said wasn’t sure how serious it was plus it’s not my business. Anyway all hell has broken loose now & my sis is threatening all sorts but main problem is that she has asked me to cut him off completely, he’s not to come to our home or speak to us on phone, we’re not to meet up socially or invite him to any functions etc. I don’t agree we should as he is my niece’s Dad & has done absolutely nothing wrong & he is very much part of our lives still but if I don’t I could lose my sis..I’m torn but I don’t think she’s right to expect this from us

OP posts:
Theshoeswithlaces · 26/07/2023 13:50

You must understand OP, imagine if you'd split from your DH and your sister and her husband were socialising with him and keeping new girlfriends from you. To say it's because of your nieces is bollocks, your much more likely to lose contact with them if your sister goes no contact.

Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 13:51

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 26/07/2023 13:48

Spot on. 👏👏👏

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I agree, she didn’t want to get married, she couldn’t wait to give up work & she employed an au pair so none of that applies at all, it’s ridiculous how some women view that being a woman automatically makes you victim

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 26/07/2023 13:51

Also, we’re getting vague “oh I don’t think my sister wanted to get married”, and “oh well I think he’d have probably been happy to marry her,” from the OP. I wouldn’t take that as confirmation it was entirely her fault they were not married.

Crocadoodledoo · 26/07/2023 13:51

Back your sister OP and don’t be so disloyal.

Hibiscrubbed · 26/07/2023 13:51

PrFi · 26/07/2023 13:51

I agree, she didn’t want to get married, she couldn’t wait to give up work & she employed an au pair so none of that applies at all, it’s ridiculous how some women view that being a woman automatically makes you victim

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Now we’re getting to how you really feel, OP. Like your sister is getting her just desserts.

Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 13:52

Hibiscrubbed · 26/07/2023 13:51

Now we’re getting to how you really feel, OP. Like your sister is getting her just desserts.

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No it’s in response to some of the comment on this thread making assumptions about a woman

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 26/07/2023 13:54

Hibiscrubbed · 26/07/2023 13:51

Now we’re getting to how you really feel, OP. Like your sister is getting her just desserts.

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The sister is feeling the consequences of her own choices, and making unreasonable demands of OP.

The sister feeling hard done by doesn’t mean that she is actually hard done by, or that her ex (who is separately a friend to OP and her husband) has done anything wrong.

CherryMaDeara · 26/07/2023 13:57

PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:34

She wasn’t stupid not to marry him she was stupid to become dependent on him & not have any contingency of her own.

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But if she didn't want to work, the most expedient strategy would have been to marry him.

I find romance cringe too but I would still have marched up the man to the registry office for a quickie marriage to secure my future in her situation.

Pipsquiggle · 26/07/2023 13:58

Your DSis cannot expect/ insist you or your DH to not communicate with her ExP, however, she can request that he doesn't get invited to future family gatherings (which is entirely normal when relationships breakdown)

Notonthestairs · 26/07/2023 14:00

Pipsquiggle · 26/07/2023 13:58

Your DSis cannot expect/ insist you or your DH to not communicate with her ExP, however, she can request that he doesn't get invited to future family gatherings (which is entirely normal when relationships breakdown)

Agree with this.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 26/07/2023 14:01

PrFi · 26/07/2023 13:51

I agree, she didn’t want to get married, she couldn’t wait to give up work & she employed an au pair so none of that applies at all, it’s ridiculous how some women view that being a woman automatically makes you victim

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Welcome to Mumsnet! 😀

limitedperiodonly · 26/07/2023 14:02

AWholeExtraRoom · 26/07/2023 13:03

You know, OP, my initial reaction to this was the same as yours (and I still don't think it's reasonable to ask you to cut him off, given all circumstances).

However, another way of looking at this is that 'morally' they were for all intents and purposes married for a very long time and there were two children from that union. Had they done a ten minute registry office appointment to legally marry she would almost certainly be entitled to half the assets, in recognition for her contribution to their union (facilitating his earning, raising children etc.)

Because they did not do that, he takes the view she is entitled to nothing but whatever he deigns to give her and evidently considered he is being very generous in providing for her for a couple of years. He may be technically correct that he owes her nothing under the law (he may not - I suggest your sister speak to a solicitor) but do you think that's morally right?

Your husband either thinks (1) those 10 minutes in the registry office morally make all the difference and she would then have been correctly entitled to half, or (2) that caring for children, running the home and enabling a partner to perform a well-paid job is worth nothing and in an ideal world shouldn't be recognised financially at the end of either a long relationship OR a marriage, and that your friend would be taken for a mug if he were forced to give half on divorcing too! (In which case, take a closer look at his attitude towards you!)

Your sister's ex seems to be coming out of this smelling of roses in your view on the basis he's "doing her a favour" rather than, in fact, arguably paying far less than is morally due to his very longterm partner and mother of his children on the basis of a (potential) legal technicality.

I don't think I admire him very much.

Just food for thought.

You took the words right out of my mouth @AWholeExtraRoom

Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 14:03

Pipsquiggle · 26/07/2023 13:58

Your DSis cannot expect/ insist you or your DH to not communicate with her ExP, however, she can request that he doesn't get invited to future family gatherings (which is entirely normal when relationships breakdown)

I don’t necessarily disagree however he is my DH best friend so he would always get invited to any function concerning my DH his birthday or our wedding anniversary, my parents invited him to their party but only after checking with my sis who said that was fine

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/07/2023 14:06

Morally he should give your sister the flat... or a smaller flat. It doesn’t matter what she should have done or not done. Legally he’s perfectly within his rights to cut her loose. I hope if he does this, the children will not think much of him.

Theshoeswithlaces · 26/07/2023 14:10

What would have happened if the split was not amicable OP? You say your hands are tied but you husband seems to care very little about putting you in a shit situation.

Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 14:11

Theshoeswithlaces · 26/07/2023 14:10

What would have happened if the split was not amicable OP? You say your hands are tied but you husband seems to care very little about putting you in a shit situation.

Well that would depend on who caused it & how. I assume you mean if he had cheated or something similar in terms of betrayal, then there would be no question of us cutting him off

OP posts:
Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 14:15

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/07/2023 14:06

Morally he should give your sister the flat... or a smaller flat. It doesn’t matter what she should have done or not done. Legally he’s perfectly within his rights to cut her loose. I hope if he does this, the children will not think much of him.

I think ultimately he probably would but unfortunately the discussion never got that far as in her words she lost it with him once he said he wanted the house back. I want her to move on but she can’t expect the same standard of living as when they were together. If wants anything then unfortunately she’s going to have to civil with him

OP posts:
Riverlee · 26/07/2023 14:18

I agree that your sister can’t dictate who you can be friends with, and should accept that dh’s friendship with ex is a separate to the situation, especially after twenty plus years.

i also agree that ex has been generous in funding sister’s and children’s lifestyle.

I also agree that after two years, sister should have got her act together, and got a job.

However, a disagree that ex is totally a hero. It’s unfair on sister that he’s leaving her homeless after twenty plus years, and expecting to start from scratch. I’m guessing she’s mid forties plus, so it’s unlikely she’ll get a mortgage. She’s supported him during all this time. In our family, inheritance became family money. Yes, my dh treated himself to some stuff but a lot was spent on new furniture etc for the house.

Callyem · 26/07/2023 14:23

I think she should see a solicitor regarding the house. I am not up on the law but would be a very poor show if she is not entitled to anything out of it despite contributing to the running of it for 20 odd years.

In terms of you cutting off the ex - once she is less terrified about her entire life changing, you will probably find that she is more reasonable. Ultimately, she is a deskilled and financially dependent woman presumably in her 40s and her whole life is about to change drastically. She is acting out of FEAR.

LegendOfZeldaFitzgerald · 26/07/2023 14:24

I can't believe you kept the fact he had a new partner secret from her. She's your SISTER!

Does anyone in the family like her? Because it's really obvious from your posts you despise her.

sandyhappypeople · 26/07/2023 14:26

PrFi · 26/07/2023 11:54

I think she will eventually but it’s just so hard to get her to understand at the moment. Tbh I haven’t worked in last 8 years but I was financially able to make that choice & I would have options if I ended up in her situation however my bil is very wealthy so for them that was absolutely no need for her to go to work & that’s fine but she clearly thought financial independence wasn’t worth planning for. I think this is just a knee jerk reaction to try & hurt him in some way but I will have to try & make her see sense as we cannot just cut him off

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but I will have to try & make her see sense as we cannot just cut him off

No, you really don't, you're making this into more than it is by trying to placate her, you just tell her point blank you're not prepared to cut him off, end of, then grey rock any conversation she tries to initiate about it. She's not the boss of you, she doesn't get to dictate shit! If that was my sister I'd tell her to stop being a selfish twat to boot.

At the end of the day, she's trying to hurt him in the only way she can (probably the only way she's ever been able to) by turning other people against him with ultimatums, and you're umming and ahhing in case you hurt HER feelings, no, fuck that, she's playing a dangerous game by trying to turn people against him, especially if she's doing it to their friends too as it may not go in her favour at all.

I'd also watch out for her trying to turn the kids against him.

Rental101 · 26/07/2023 14:30

I think you should side with your sis , but then people have different priorities .

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 26/07/2023 14:32

PomTiddlyPomPom · 26/07/2023 11:32

She would have come out with half of the marital assets in a divorce, including the house, flat and his pension.
As it stands she is entitled to very little and has done well to live off him for the last 2 years.
She was incredibly stupid not to marry.

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Why should she get half if she's not paid anything towards it?!

Original poster
PrFi · 26/07/2023 14:33

LegendOfZeldaFitzgerald · 26/07/2023 14:24

I can't believe you kept the fact he had a new partner secret from her. She's your SISTER!

Does anyone in the family like her? Because it's really obvious from your posts you despise her.

I don’t need to mention every woman that he’s casually seeing, there were quite a few after the first year. If it was a serious relationship then I would have & it’s her attitude & behaviour I don’t like

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 26/07/2023 14:35

LegendOfZeldaFitzgerald · 26/07/2023 14:24

I can't believe you kept the fact he had a new partner secret from her. She's your SISTER!

Does anyone in the family like her? Because it's really obvious from your posts you despise her.

So? Her being OP’s sister doesn’t mean she has to pander to her when she’s being a twat, and cut off someone who has done nothing wrong (who she was in fact perfectly friendly with until she realized he wasn’t going to bankroll her indefinitely).

she willingly chose to give up her job, and was happy to have him pay for her to stay at home, pay for her lifestyle and pay for childcare/whatever else they chose to outsource. Since splitting he’s paid off her debt and housed her, and even now he’s offering her a large flat rent free. She’s had a very good deal, what more can she seriously claim to be owed?