To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

[littlebean95]

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

If it was everyday I'd understand. However I think YABU. You'd have something to say I'm sure if they didn't want to visit their own GC.

I’m surprised at some of the responses on here, but I’m a massive introvert so I wouldn’t want the pressure of anyone coming to visit every single week. Sometimes you just need a weekend to hang about in pyjamas and not speak to anyone. I think if you’re not overly close to the in laws having them visit even for 2 hours must feel like pressure to be switched on and perform which is hard when you have such a young baby. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with putting them off every other week if you need a breather. You have to look after yourself too!

Why not ask the grandparents to babysit for a couple of hours whilst you go for a nap.

They get to see baby, you get a break and a sleep.

Win win.

Drip drip drip.

Before you know it, your tiny baby will need childcare, in-laws who want to help out are more than worth a 2 hour/week investment (plus children can't have too much love etc etc)

Or does the OP intend rationing the contact her mother has with the child, she seems to see them more?

Just take control and be proactive. You need to get in before they organise with OH. As they leave on Sunday say 'I'm afraid I've planned to see friends next week but why don't we all go for lunch the following week?' Or the day before they arrive 'I'm so sorry we've had a bit of a sleep deprived night, how about you take ...for a pram walk so I can catch up on sleep?' Just mix it up before it becomes 'what we do'.

I'd also suggest getting in the habit of texting, phoning ILs rather than leaving it to your partner otherwise you are never going to have any control of the situation and it will look like you don't want to see them.

And then she'll be back posting in a few months - "why are my PILs ignoring their grandchild?"

Alternate. One weekend your husband takes baby to them and you get the afternoon off to yourself. The next they come and visit you. So you will only have them over for 4 hours a month total. If you are breastfeeding could you pump a bottle hubby could take with him on the visit?

Yes, sure. I did say that I didn't expect any ILs to do anything for me.

But again - my point is that it's annoying when people offer to "help" when that help is coincidentally the thing they want to do anyway.

I don't see the massive conceptual problem with "maybe taking burdens off your son/DIL is a nice thing to do that might make them happier for you to be around more often instead of just wanting to spend time with the baby, with your son/DIL acting as social secretary for an infant who they have to care for constantly".

When they come over why don't you pop out and do the shopping for the week or just literally ask them if they could take the baby out with them.

You put pressure on yourself to ensure the house is tidy but have you ever stopped and thought about that being a blessing in disguise?! Sometimes I need that bit of motivation to do a stealth clean, then once I've done it I feel better for it!

Alternatively tell them DH is coming to them every other week so you can have time alone to relax.

You can't expect grandparents who
Live locally to see grandchildren less than weekly. You do need to make proper arrangements though. Something like-

Come round at 11 and I'll have baby in the pram ready for you to go for a walk or come round at 2pm and you can keep an eye out whilst i sort out all the washing.

I would cultivate this relationship and let them keep coming. Maybe mix it up and say ‘we’ll come to you’ or ‘can you come at 10am this week to avoid nap time?’ As someone who is struggling for childcare in the summer holidays and in-laws couldn’t be less interested I would keep them on side. In five years time when they might be retired and you’ve got six weeks of school hols, you’ll really need them. And just let the housework slide a little bit, don’t brush your hair, they might get the hint you’re not up for visitors.

Say you'll go to them next Sunday for a change. Then come up with an excuse at the last minute and don't go. Then be busy with plans the next weekend. You can let this every Sunday at yours routine fizzle out without having to cause an argument.

Personally I think its too much as I wouldn’t like to have every Sunday already decided for me. I want to know I can wake up on a Sunday morning, get out for a nice walk, pub lunch or day out with the kids and enjoy the whole day. We see grandparents probably once a month, they adore the kids and the kids adore them and that works well for our family.

I also dont think they should be coming round if you have specifically said not at nap time. I remember needing that time to be able to get everything done, so they may have forgotten just how important nap
time is.

I would ask your Hubby to suggest every 2 weeks, I dont think there’s anything wrong with that at all. Or could you mix it up abit, meet them for a walk in the park or lunch on a Sat/Sun so it doesn’t feel so rigid?

Erm the problem is you it really doesn't matter what your house looks like there coming to see there grandchild and our 4 adore there grandparents both sets coming or them going over. I would much rather they were surrounded by love and people that adore them than now. And it turns out good as they get older they have more people they know and trust to go to if they need it as we have just had with our 13 yr old. He was to nervous to tell us he was being bullied so he told grandma and then us and we got it all sorted. Much nicer when they need someone they come to any family member rather than a stranger

So your mum sees your child every week but you have an issue with your in laws doing the same?

Is that the general gist of your posts?

this

You might appreciate them more when the baby is a bit older - I would just ask if they wanted to take baby out in pram so you get a break?

I think this is about control. If you've already made it known it's too much for you, which it is, and they push back then it could be a control thing going on.

Your baby is not even that old yet, so you still need time to rest, as well as do your housework and have time to yourself with your partner to adjust to being parents.

Why can't they understand that? Your not bring selfish. Visiting every week is too much IMO even if it is for 2 hrs.

The simple reason is you're not comfortable with doing this and it's draining you.

I would not do this to my SIL unless I want to impose and ruin my relationship with him. I can 'read the room' and if it's obviously not a good time to visit, I dont insist on my 'rights'.

Being a grandparenttl doesn't give me right of access to my GC whenever I feel like it with no regards to my SIL's feelings. He might just want to relax before going bk to work on a Monday.

You inlaws will have plenty of time to see their GC as he grows up won't they, without you feeling that thy're imposing on you when all you want to do is chill out.

I think you should tell them again that you'd rather they not come so often because you'd like to rest at the weekends. In fact your partner should be the one to explain this because it's his parents.

If they push back, or don't respect what he's saying then they're wrong and they have issues.

Suck it up

you have weird un-family like dynamics

my parents and in laws are over at least one a week each

they help me do some jobs, usually want to take a load of washing home too. Cuddle baby so I can have a wash or crack on with something. Usually a nice dinner or coffee and biscuits. I’m often wearing pyjamas.

i don’t understand these ‘family’ relationships where you have to tidy and wait on in laws and parents

Presuming that they are local, why not see them the same frequency but mix it up a bit.

They could come for dinner sometimes, or you go to theirs for dinner. You could meet them for a walk and a coffee, go to theirs and they come to yours.

Seeing him once a week is totally not unreasonable. It having to be the same (inconvenient) time every week is.

Change it so it meets both of your needs.

Such a good idea to get MIL and FIL to take the baby out for a walk instead of sitting there staring at each other with nothing else to say. I’m sure they will be delighted to do it and it’s something you can build on once they have proved themselves capable.
Lead with confidence OP. Let them know what you would like and how you would like it and how it will help you out. Show them respect and consideration and I’m sure they will reciprocate. (If it happens that they don’t, well at least you tried with good heart.)
I will never forget the first time my DIL trusted me to walk my grandchild out in the buggy. I was walking on air, but at the same time, felt the massive responsibility.
The way young parents bring up a baby can be quite different and for the older generation it can be puzzling eg ‘white noise’. And advice changes constantly too eg sleeping on the back or the front and weaning etc.
So have a conversation …ask about how they used to do it so that you can gently inform them and let them know what is expected these days. It’s so easy to be out of touch if it’s their first grandchild. Give them confidence to help you out a tiny bit.
Turning up every week shows they want to be involved.

This is ideal.

Your husband can pop over to theirs with the baby every so often.

I can see how this current routine is restricting. Sometimes you just want a bit of spontaneity, especially with a small baby.