People who ‘tell it like it is’

[BooksOnThePatio]

A few months ago there was a new hire at my workplace. She’s around my age and we seem to get on well. We became a lot closer over the months due to how closely we were working together and she’s getting on my bloody nerves!

She ‘tells it like it is’.

This means that she points out if I’ve got a dry patch of skin between my eyebrows or if I’ve got a small scratch on my face. She also tries to psychoanalyse me and will come up with some crap comment about how my opinion/behaviour ‘must be’ because of blank.

She is also big on how she’s extremely logical compared to everyone else. She constantly talks about how there is no point associating with anyone who doesn’t benefit you.

I’d go in in the morning and we’d get into a conversation about something we heard on the radio on the way here. If she was ‘losing’ the discussion when we stand on opposing ends of the issue, she’d then shut down the discussion and dismiss everything by saying ‘oh you won’t understand because you’re blank. I shouldn’t have bothered.’ She’s the one who started the conversation!

It’s a VERY casual, small workplace and chatting is common. She seems less abrasive to the other 3 members —they still get the ‘extremely logical’ comments but none of the tell-it-like-it-is ‘facts’ nor the stupid discussions that I let myself get dragged into because ~70% of the time I don’t mind the chat while I get my morning coffee.

Could write an essay but AIBU to think she’s sucking the joy out of what was a nice, friendly workplace? I used to love coming in — love the people, love the work, love the environment. But now I dread it.

Indeed. The most ironic thing is that those who throw the word snowflake around tend to be those who meltdown when their arseholery is called out

Oh that's my brother, Mr "tell it like it is ". It means tell it like HE thinks it is. Just ignore.

My DM is like this

DM was quite rude about DDs nails and hair the other day

When DD got upset DM told her she can say things like that because she's her grannie

DD told her in no uncertain terms that it actually meant the complete opposite. Being her Gran means she should not be saying nasty mean personal things to her grand daughter

For the first time and not for want of years of trying DM sort of understood and threw a few compliments DDs way

There's no such thing as telling it like it is. They're opinions of the speaker, not objective truth.

I've found that not one person who "tells it like it is" can handle any criticism themselves so i've assumed that the type to "tell it like it is" are insecure and unhappy.

So not just thoughtless and hurtful but vindictive (the Whatsapp messages). How unlucky to have someone like that ruining a small workplace

@BooksOnThePatio , she’s not a Scandi, is she? Because ‘plain speaking’ is said to be a Scandi trait. A dd had a Norwegian friend who often made critical comments about her appearance - supposed to be ‘helpful’ of course. I have a Swedish friend a bit the same, but the tendency has been tempered by long residence in the U.K.

Having said that, I have an aunt who for decades has prided herself on ‘speaking her mind’, as if it’s some sort of virtue, and consequently is actively avoided/shunned by some of her own family.

When she starts on at you, just put your hand up and say firmly 'No thank you.' then ignore her. Do it every time. Good luck

“I shall point out my observations of you then, Janet. You’re getting on my wick, do Foxtrot Oscar. Thanks so much.”

I’d start doing the exact same thing to her.Usually find people like that hate it when you do exactly the same.

On the “I’m so logical” bit: she really isn’t. Your initial post describes her committing at least one logical fallacy during your debates. That one where she says “oh you wouldn’t under stake because you’re [x]” is a form of the logical fallacy Appeal to Authority.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bad-Thoughts-Guide-Clear-Thinking/dp/095

If you haven’t read the marvellous (and funny) Jamie Whyte’s “Bad Thoughts” (linked above) I highly recommend it. After assimilating it, I would use its tools as a metaphorical mop to systematically and subtly wipe the floor with her.

point out stuff about her. She won’t like it and will stop

Step aside from the dooldrums of someone nèeding others recognition. You do you and let her do everyone else

My ex husband did this. Truth be told, he was just being rude and hiding behind his 'honesty' whilst I made amends.....

Might she be neurodiverse (autistic /adhd) and have little to no filter?
I have adhd and know when to be polite. I do tend to run my mouth (impulsivity when speaking e.g. blurting out things is a core feature of adhd ...and poor listening skills , lack of concerntration , poor organisational and timekeeping skills, interrupts /intrudes on others when speaking , makes blunt remarks without meaning to). People with asd tend to have poor social /language skills , get overwhelmed by sensory stumuli easily, like order & the same routine/have a need for sameness, have poor understanding language and take things literally .....

Ps i have adhd and have worked on my 'faults ' re this. She may also be just rude , lol!

Can’t stand “tell it like it is” - just a euphemism for i am really rude and say whatever I think and it’s your problem if you don’t like it. Horrible. Also, sorry but only people with a lower IQ fit this quota 😂

I put it in the same category as ‘ doesn’t suffer fools gladly’ which is, I think, a similar attitude. Just an excuse to be rude about people who might challenge your way of thinking.

@Thirdsummerofourdiscontent I really like that phrase

I love this too!

Sounds like a classic narcissist to me, and you are the chosen one. I haven't read every post here so might be off the mark, but I'll bet that it's really hard to use normal tactics on her. Sadly the only way to deal with a narcissist is to walk away till they find a new best mate to feed off, and in a small office that's practically impossible. So just don't feed her, which means being bored by everything she says, even when she's reeling you in by flattery.

Is she trying to get a reaction?

As ‘logical’ as she claims to be, she actually gets very emotionally-charged when she so much as thinks someone has wronged her and will create a lot of drama.

Yes often the most insensitive people are the most over sensitive themselves.
I wouldn’t over think it. I’d just say “I don’t need to hear your personal comments about my appearance thanks.”

I understand your concerns. Could you start a gradual disengaging process and simultaneously start to (as another poster called it) move into a more ‘vanilla’ work relationship. I also really like the poster’s comments about teenagers and just being a bit neutral, but overall ‘nice’.

To the downright nasty stuff, I’d just say “noted” or “righteo” or some emotionally unloaded acknowledgment phase and try and move the conversation on rapidly, or walk away.

She sounds like she feeds off drama and sucks the joy out rather like the office dementor.

I get this is easier said than done, this kind of disguised nastiness leaves a suffocating slick of horrible feeling ooze that can be really hard to overcome.

She's just rude. It's that simple

On a lighter note, I think I’m a total magnet for these type of people. They are drawn to me like a wasp to jam on a high summer day. I get very protective of my boundaries these days, buts it’s still such a pain dealing with it all. So sympathy.

Maybe I need to work harder on my resting bitch face??!!