People who ‘tell it like it is’

[BooksOnThePatio]

A few months ago there was a new hire at my workplace. She’s around my age and we seem to get on well. We became a lot closer over the months due to how closely we were working together and she’s getting on my bloody nerves!

She ‘tells it like it is’.

This means that she points out if I’ve got a dry patch of skin between my eyebrows or if I’ve got a small scratch on my face. She also tries to psychoanalyse me and will come up with some crap comment about how my opinion/behaviour ‘must be’ because of blank.

She is also big on how she’s extremely logical compared to everyone else. She constantly talks about how there is no point associating with anyone who doesn’t benefit you.

I’d go in in the morning and we’d get into a conversation about something we heard on the radio on the way here. If she was ‘losing’ the discussion when we stand on opposing ends of the issue, she’d then shut down the discussion and dismiss everything by saying ‘oh you won’t understand because you’re blank. I shouldn’t have bothered.’ She’s the one who started the conversation!

It’s a VERY casual, small workplace and chatting is common. She seems less abrasive to the other 3 members —they still get the ‘extremely logical’ comments but none of the tell-it-like-it-is ‘facts’ nor the stupid discussions that I let myself get dragged into because ~70% of the time I don’t mind the chat while I get my morning coffee.

Could write an essay but AIBU to think she’s sucking the joy out of what was a nice, friendly workplace? I used to love coming in — love the people, love the work, love the environment. But now I dread it.

It’s a lack of respect. I bet she she doesn’t to it with her manager so she can stop if she wants to. Do it straight back at her - every single time. It will slow her right down. ‘You’ve got a dry patch between your eyes’, ‘Could be worse. At least I don’t have a hairy face - you look like Brian Blessed on a bad day, Margot’. ‘Have you ever thought of getting your teeth fixed? You could stab someone with that incisor’, ‘Have you been eating soup? You smell like beef broth, and not in a good way’, ‘Good grief, you look wrecked. Did you not get any sleep last night? You look like you’ve been out drinking for a month’ etc.

I am a horrible person, but I find sarcasm is the only way I can deal with people like this. I would go with something like oh thank you for pointing that out. My mirror at home must be defective. I thought I looked like a supermodel when I left the house this morning. But I never sound anything but nice and sincere. It really confuses people. It never stops the comments, but I find it funny.

I had a boyfriend who would make tactless ‘observations’. If I said, ‘you don’t need to verbalise every thought that comes into your head’, his defence was, ‘I’m just being honest’.

No dickhead, you’re being thoughtless, tactless and sometimes needlessly cruel.

Couldnt agree more with this. I've encountered several people who seem proud of their "I'm JUST being honest!" approach. No, its not an admirable quality at all, its just an excuse to be critical, mean and nasty to people under the faux guise or being "honest". Plus, its always negative isnt it?- they're never "honest" about people's good qualities, its always unkind/unnecessary observations.

The funny thing about people like this is that when the same brutal honesty is directed at them, they cant take it which is odd considering they value it so much. This just shows its a front to be mean, not a noble quality at all.

OP- I'd direct some of the same brutal honesty back at her and watch how she explodes!

Hmmmm @TerrorAustralis, I can identify! My partner is like this - which is why they will very shortly be an ex partner

And @mangochops, the 'honesty' always, always focuses on their perceived ideas of their target's shortcomings or faults, never the strengths!

Yes- exactly. If you were being truly honest, then that honesty would also extend to their positive qualities too but it never ever does, its always critical, always negative.

Is she from Yorkshire?😀

Oh, this, and its close relation "I speak as I find".

Neither are how you spell "I have no manners and no filter".

Look who's being rude and arrogant now lol!

At least my perception is closer to reality.

Just telling it how it is 😂

I used to work with someone like this. She didn't bother me but got a lot of other people's backs up.

The only time she didn't 'tell it like it is' was just prior to some strikes in our industry. A different colleague was having a rant about people who are willing to take the support of the union but won't back them during strikes - basically saying those people don't deserve the potential benefits that the strike action might bring. We live in a highly unionised/left wing area and said colleague was very harsh. Tell it like it is colleague sat there very quietly and neglected to mention that she was in fact not striking despite being in our union. It was the first time I'd seen her be on the receiving end of somebody else just being honest and it very clearly unsettled her. She was a lot more mellow in her truth bombs after that.

It's just an excuse to get away with saying and acting in a way that wouldn't normally be acceptable.

Just respond with 'I find what you're saying to be rude and tactless' if she responds with 'just pointing out my observation, no need to be sensitive' a good response is 'your opinion is yours alone and it's rude, there's a way to be honest without being rude, maybe you should brush up on your social skills' if she responds again, simply say 'who's being sensitive now'

People who tell it like it is very rarely use their alleged honesty to say something nice or a pleasant observation. It’s always used as an opportunity to be nasty.

I would just distance myself from her as much as I could. Keep it civil for works sake but don’t go for any breaks or social time with her.

If she continues, calmly ask her to stop. I wouldn’t get any digs in yourself- people like that have a way of playing victim when their antics get turned around on them.

You just want to avoid getting caught up in her games. They do it because it gives them a sense of power and it’s hard to call people on their nastiness when they can just dress it up as being honest and you being too sensitive. I often think they have an over-inflated sense of self- believing that it is only they who see things clearly and as they are. So it’s not going to do you any good getting into arguments or confrontation with her.

She’s just going to bat your opinion away with claims of you being too sensitive. I knew a guy like this years ago- he was a proud self diagnosed sociopath and he would brag about that fact and look down on anyone and everyone else. He would act as if he was the only logical one there and everyone else was always wrong and beneath him. He seemed to take an inordinate amount of pleasure bragging about how he was a sociopath.

I didn’t see him that way and neither did anyone else. I just saw him as a pathetic loser who needed taking down a peg or twenty.

This is one of the many reasons I decided quite some years back to adopt a distant, vanilla persona at work!
I don't get close enough to anyone to burn out on them. I have friendly, surface-level chit chat, but noone would ever think they could say "Oh you're just so X" or pass comment on my personal life or appearance.
I save my personality for when I'm around my husband, friends and family.

I had a colleague who constantly said 'I'm extremely logical' and 'just thinking with my logical brain' which really meant 'I 'm about to be really rude about the work you've done'. They could not grasp that people thought differently and were people centred.

Telling like it is people are just really rude but think being overly honest or obnoxious is a great trait when it really isn't.

People who claim to 'tell it like it is' are simply using this as an excuse for rudeness, lack of tact and self approbation and, yes, as has been said upthread, it is a deeply unpleasant characteristic and definitely not one to be admired. And, usually, it stems from envy, jealousy, fear and ignorance
Could not agree more!

In my experience the people who "tell it like it is" also seem very good at being critical of other people, being a bit of a know-it-all on their pet subjects, and they REALLY don't like it if someone challenges them or points out their ignorance.

This. ^^

Such an insightful comment!

(I’m just being honest!)

😆😆😆

So true!

Great advice! I'm going to use it ...

I’ve been doing a bit of thinking on the way to work this morning and mad as it sounds I’m… cautious about being less friendly than usual because she’ll perceive it as a slight. As ‘logical’ as she claims to be, she actually gets very emotionally-charged when she so much as thinks someone has wronged her and will create a lot of drama.

There was a friend of hers once who was getting married and I think there was an argument (I wasn’t really listening tbh) and at the end of it she was scrolling through her WhatsApp messages going years back to ‘dig up dirt to expose her to her groom’.

It’s all very juvenile but I would be wary of being on the receiving end of what a vindictive teenager can dish out too!!

So she can dish it, but she can’t take it? That’s not “logical“, is it? That would be thrown back in her face every time she reacts to return observations.
If she comments on your appearance, throw two things back at her. “That colour makes you look sallow and unwell, and while we’re at it, don’t you think you’re a bit old/young for that style of dress/shirt/whatever?” - Also, “I really think it’s time you got yourself some skincare with actives for those wrinkles around your mouth. You’re starting to look like a cat’s bum.”

I think @fuchiaknickers has best advice , ignore her or treat her differently she will see as a slight and likely report as bullying.

😂

Have you tried the "confidential concern" so in response too "you have a dry patch between your eyes'.

"Yes I know... There is something I've been wanting to talk to you about but I've been holding back as it's quite sensitive and I don't want you to feel like you are being attacked. However, I'm really not sure if you are aware that when you make comments like this you come across as quite rude. Now I'm sure that's not your intention I'm sure you mean it really well and that's why I've been holding back on telling you. I just was not sure if you knew that's how you come across and if not felt it was best if I told you" sympathetic smile and head tilt.

Tell her your observations are that she is an insensitive gobby mare and that a simple fact 😏