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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who ‘tell it like it is’

155 replies

BooksOnThePatio · 24/07/2023 22:30

A few months ago there was a new hire at my workplace. She’s around my age and we seem to get on well. We became a lot closer over the months due to how closely we were working together and she’s getting on my bloody nerves!

She ‘tells it like it is’.

This means that she points out if I’ve got a dry patch of skin between my eyebrows or if I’ve got a small scratch on my face. She also tries to psychoanalyse me and will come up with some crap comment about how my opinion/behaviour ‘must be’ because of blank.

She is also big on how she’s extremely logical compared to everyone else. She constantly talks about how there is no point associating with anyone who doesn’t benefit you.

I’d go in in the morning and we’d get into a conversation about something we heard on the radio on the way here. If she was ‘losing’ the discussion when we stand on opposing ends of the issue, she’d then shut down the discussion and dismiss everything by saying ‘oh you won’t understand because you’re blank. I shouldn’t have bothered.’ She’s the one who started the conversation!

It’s a VERY casual, small workplace and chatting is common. She seems less abrasive to the other 3 members —they still get the ‘extremely logical’ comments but none of the tell-it-like-it-is ‘facts’ nor the stupid discussions that I let myself get dragged into because ~70% of the time I don’t mind the chat while I get my morning coffee.

Could write an essay but AIBU to think she’s sucking the joy out of what was a nice, friendly workplace? I used to love coming in — love the people, love the work, love the environment. But now I dread it.

OP posts:
CapEBarra · 25/07/2023 21:01

Lean into it. ‘You’ve got a dry spot between your eyes’. ‘Oh God, I know, Sandra. Can you give me some of your moisturiser? You use a good greasy one, don’t you? Leaves a lovely sheen on your face’. ‘You know what, Janine, you’re so logical you’re practically Rainman. Do you do card counting for an encore?’ ‘It’s like being in the room with Sigmund Freud. Is it because I’m a capricorn?’ There’s some fun to be had here.

Iwasafool · 25/07/2023 21:02

fishface343 · 24/07/2023 23:04

I'm unfortunate enough to know three separate 'tell it how it is' characters and I often wonder what would happen if they got into a debate with each other.

Can't you get them together. I wonder if it cure them?

BreatheAndFocus · 25/07/2023 21:04

She sounds jealous of you and lacking in confidence despite her logical brain and telling it like it is. Her personal comments are an attempt to make you feel insecure. She’s trying to make you feel small to big herself up.

Turn it round on her. When she says that you have dry skin between your eyebrows or whatever, lean forward towards her and kindly and calmly ask her if she’s worried about her skin texture. She’ll be confused or deny it, but then tell her that you just know her comment to you was because she’s actually worried about her own face and you’re happy to help her. Likewise, when she goes on about how logical she is, quietly ask her if she’s worried about her thinking skills, as people who make comments like that usually are. Reassure her and be kind, but you’ll probably find she withdraws from you as she won’t want things turned round on her to make her look bad or insecure.

PrinceHaz · 25/07/2023 21:05

This reminds me of that Catherine Tate sketch where she forces her coworker to join in with her conversation despite their reluctance then haS a go at them for their response.

In your situation, I would keep a diary of unprofessional comments and speak to your manager/HR. You shouldn’t have to out up with this at work. It’s borderline harassment.

JudgeJ · 25/07/2023 21:10

She constantly talks about how there is no point associating with anyone who doesn’t benefit you.

Next time she says this to you reply, 'You're so right, it isn't is it? Bye'. It may take her a minute for the penny to drop..........

badger2005 · 25/07/2023 21:16

Has anyone already linked to the John Finnemore sketch on people who tell it like it is? If not I will dig it out for you (so funny!).

RicherThanYews · 25/07/2023 21:18

Try telling the horrid git that diplomacy is better than brutal honesty ...

JudgeJ · 25/07/2023 21:18

AuntieMarys · 25/07/2023 07:08

Is she from Yorkshire?😀

My late tyke MIL reincarnated? With her it was 'I speak my mind', my mental retort was 'Quatsch then', I even said it a couple of times!

midsomermurderess · 25/07/2023 21:19

They tend to be insecure people with very poor social skills. Best avoided as utter, horrible boors.

Careworker685 · 25/07/2023 21:21

She sounds an absolute nightmare, I couldn't work with her.
I'd just start doing it back, 'Oh, I see you've got a big spot on your chin.'
'That eyeshadow really isn't working for you today.'
I know this sounds petty but it sounds like your other approach didn't work .
She's possibly jealous of you, and is trying to put you down to make herself feel better, that's usually what they do.
I've never met her and she makes my skin crawl.

ToWhitToWhoo · 25/07/2023 21:23

Well, if she can tell it like it is, so can you. Tell her that you find such comments rude and hurtful and will no longer respond to them; and pointedly ignore such comments in the future.

ImSoShiney · 25/07/2023 21:27

"wow, that's rude" is the only reply you need. Preferably with a raised eyebrow.

Sandra1984 · 25/07/2023 21:31

I'm a spaniard living in the UK, that makes me "tell it like it is" pretty often, Like most spaniards I find English people way too polite, "emotionally withdrawn" and very reserved, they don't express their feelings enough so I never know what's on their mind. I'm very aware this is a cultural clash and it's not easy for me. This said there's a way of saying what you think without being rude, SPECIALLY when you're in the work place. Your colleagues are work colleagues, they're not friends, it's an office, not a pub (that doesn't mean that after a couple years you can become friends with a work colleague but it takes time and trust). Your colleague sounds rude, your personal opinions are non of her business, she doesn't know you enough to make unwelcome psychological assessments of you, she sounds like someone who needs to learn boundaries. People like these are energy vampires, no wonder you're feeling drained.

Lifeomars · 25/07/2023 21:31

"I tell it how it is" just means that "I open my gob and say whatever is in my head without running it through my mind first and thinking that it might upset or offend someone" I am not surprised she is spoiling your working life, it sounds horrible

SerafinasGoose · 25/07/2023 21:36

Noise-cancelling earphones are an amazing invention. Keep them on whilst she's talking.

'What's that you say? I can't hear you!'

And you could tell her you find her asinine conversation tedious in the extreme, and prefer background noise to help you concentrate on what you're paid to be there to do: work.

It would be a little difficult for her to run crying to HR after that implication. Surely no one could possibly blame you for preserving your mental health by tuning out the stress caused by the constant distraction in the office? Or for taking proactive steps to improve your productivity. 👼

Win-win.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/07/2023 21:41

Well, she could just be a genuinely rude and unpleasant opinionated person, but I have known a couple of teenagers with ASD who sound very similar. One was very very bright and actually his opinion was often logical when you analysed his way of thinking ieven if you disagreed with him. He didn't really have any friends because he was so very very blunt and well, I guess most of his peers didn't really understand his disability, but the people who got to know him well, ie school staff, really "got" him. And I just used to let it wash over me and laugh at the stuff he came out with that I disagreed with because I knew he genuinely didn't mean to cause offence.

He rarely made personal comments but he did occasionally ask things out of pure curiousity, like why I was doing or wearing something (because he didn't think it was a good idea and would say so.) He definitely wasn't asking those things to cause offence. In his mind, he simply wanted to know why I chose to do that thing as it differed from what his choice would have been and I guess he found that interesting sometimes, he was trying to work it out people's differing choices when to him, his choice would be the only logical one.

I really miss his conversations! And worry about him so much as he went away to university this year and I worry that he hadn't learned enough social skills to get by without causing offence to everyone with his very forthright manner so that people could see past that and see the real him. 😔

So there is that possibility. I know people jump down your throat on here if you dare mention ASD. You get people saying "well, my son has ASD and he would never do or say things like that", or "stop using the possilbity of ASD as an excuse for what is probably just pure rudeness." But as we all know, people with ASD are all very different. It IS possible that your colleague has not got to grips with social niceties yet and is still working it all out without anyone else to guide her as to what is acceptable.

On the other hand she could be completely NT and just a complete obnoxious bitch!

If she seems to like the blunt way of talking I would just ask her straight if she has ASD? You might be surprised if she says "well, actually, yes" and be relieved to talk about it. Or she might just look at you and laugh and say "er, NO! Obviously not! What makes you think that?" And then you could just say everything you've said here about why her remarks cause offence or get people's back's up. If she IS NT then maybe it'll get her thinking and she might adjust her behaviour.

tianabiscuit · 25/07/2023 21:46

This thread has put me in mind of Tell It Like It Is Tanya.

She didn't like being told how it is either... 😆

PrinceHaz · 25/07/2023 21:52

People who tell it like it is really hate people doing the same to them.

Solonge · 25/07/2023 21:53

Seeing as she is happy to 'tell it as it is' no matter the hurt caused, then she is surely in line to receive the same back. I would point out her flaws, dont miss any out, and explain that the joy of coming to work has begun to wane due to her frank remarks which you could do without.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 25/07/2023 21:56

I would be described as someone who tells it like it is, I have no tact and never sugar coat, purely fact based. However, it doesn't sound like this is what your colleague is doing, sounds to me like she is being deliberately goady. There is a big difference in speaking your mind and criticising someone's look or life choices completely uninvited.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 25/07/2023 22:10

I have a sibling that 'tells it like it is'

Funnily enough, when I told said sibling that actually, they don't always have to behave like such a cunt, it would seem that they themselves don't like to have someone tell them like it is.

Have decided going forwards that this will be my stance, instead of biting my tongue so hard it's a wonder I have any left.

Also having to teach my 9 year old that yes, your nana might make comments about not liking your ear piercing/clothing choice/use of obnoxious green eyeshadow when allowed to play with makeup (never in front of me unfortunately), but it's actually very rude to give an unasked for opinion, and it isn't an example she should follow, especially if it's about my earring choice when I'm just sat minding my own business with a cuppa!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/07/2023 22:10

There was a friend of hers once who was getting married and I think there was an argument (I wasn’t really listening tbh) and at the end of it she was scrolling through her WhatsApp messages going years back to ‘dig up dirt to expose her to her groom’.

I just read this comment, OP. I take back what I said in my previous post, she just sounds like she's an arsehole.

SerafinasGoose · 25/07/2023 22:33

That Muriel's Wedding clip is the first 'tell it like it is' scenario that popped into my head, too! These were the original mean girls - and could they BE any more revolting?

I found it quite entertaining that Mean-Girl-in-Chief happens to be called Tania De Gano: a close phonetic relative of guano or in other words, a posh term for 'batshit' ...

YouOKHun · 25/07/2023 22:59

She sounds very thin skinned, not very sure of herself and therefore paranoid about others’ motives. She also doesn’t sound very self aware, perhaps she’s always been a big fish in a small pond and tried to dominate. It sounds like you are more of a worry to her than the others so you get more of her point scoring comments and attempts to close you down.

I would go all Socratic on her, respond to everything she says with a question rather than giving your position; let’s see the quality of her “logic” and ‘truth” if she has nothing to close down/correct/oppose etc. You don’t have to be unkind but we’ve all got to have some entertainment during the working day and this would be mine.