Expected to pay to attend party

[BagOfFeet]

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

If this kid is being bullied everything else goes out the window. Bite your tongue and take your kid to this party. Make sure you bring a lovely present. His life will harder as he ages. Make sure he has one good party to look back on and think "I was happy on that day".

Poor kid. Please find the most annoying present in the world to give him - we have a sword of gryffindor that makes random clanking noises that would be perfect.

This is odd. So the others were all aware of the situation and are blanking any mention of it being weird? Are they typically bigger pushovers than you are when it comes to these CF parents taking the piss? It kind of makes me wonder if she was clear with them from the start but was evasive with you because she knew you’d be less likely to tolerate their nonsense. Regardless, I wouldn’t be bringing my kid to this “party.”

I'd go back to her and say re the party invitation I'm really confused is X invited to a party or are we expected to book and pay for his climbing on a playdate?

Life isn't fair and this boy hasnt chosen his parents. Do him a favour and send your child to his "party" and buy him a present. This poor boy isn't going to have an easy life.

That's not a birthday invitation really is it? It's like she's told you her and DC are going and you're welcome to tag along
I'd decline and do something with DS yourself

What I find cringy is the underhandedness. If a parent had said, “I can’t afford climbing as a party activity but it’s Johnny’s wish—instead of a present can you book a place for your child?”

It would be unconventional but I’d be glad to participate if that’s what DS’s friend wants as a present. But this is different. They’re pretending to host a party.

If you can afford it and your son wants to go, I'd book and pay for him on the basis that both the child and your son will have a nice time - but no expensive present. Buy the boy a big bar of chocolate or similar and get or make a nice card.

No need to buy tat but I don’t think it’s ok to turn up completely empty handed. Ironically neither does the poster I originally replied to as she ‘shoves a fiver in a card’. @

So her and her husband are taking their kid to a climbing wall, with unlimited drinks for THEM, and getting a load of gifts for their kid along with it? And all of the other mums are ok with it.

Wow. Those parents have really done a number on you all. In some ways I grudgingly admire people like that - so socially unaware that they dont care about what anyone else thinks of them. No hassle, no preparation, no financial outlay - but all the benefits.

I do think I would message back and clearly say.
"Oh, so you are just asking if we wanted to book our ds in to the climbing centre at the same time you are there, and not actually hosting a party for your son after all ? That rather changes things, and we aren't able to come after all."

At the start of the thread, I was agreeing with the thought that I would probably pay, for the birthday boy's sake, but it seems you have tried doing that for some time and got to a point where you have realised that it isn't really your responsibility - even more so as it isn't even that this lad is a close friend of your ds.
I do feel sorry for the lad, but you all letting the parents get away with it, isn't really helping him long term, and when does it end ?

I agree with this (assuming you can afford both the entrance fee and a nice present). I know from your updates that you've tried previously with this kid, OP, but perhaps you could also try this one last time? (Easy for me to say so, I know!)

That is incredibly cheeky. If she cant afford it then she shouldn't be inviting people to this type of event and should do something at home. Just don't book it. Some folk!!! I would just say a family event has come up so you wont be able to come after all. Shame.

You.dont.invite kids to.a.birthday party/activity, and tell them to pay for themselves?! That's ridiculous. If they can't afford it, why didn't they arrange a sleepover instead?! Personally I wouldn't go, I'd take him climbing myself the next day. Or to the cinema at the same time as the activity.

What would annoy me is she has not been upfront about the costs. I wouldn't mind paying if the situation had been clearly explained from the beginning. I probably would have said, if I had been her, please don't buy a present.

Decline otherwise you're enabling the CFs behaviour

Why would you punishment the child for his parents shit behaviour? His life is probably hard enough without nasty adults trying to sabotage his friendships. Hopefully the OP isn't as horrible as you are.

*punish

I could see this happening at secondary school where the kids tend to arrange their own events for birthdays and they all pay for themselves, but these kids aren’t at secondary.
If ds wants to go , I’d treat it as a normal day out for him and I would buy a present because I feel sorry for the boy. Something nice his horrible parents wouldn’t buy him, if you can think of something.

Sorry, I was unclear. He's not being bullied, they don't seem to have reached that stage. Everybody in DS's class sort of get along, but the kids who are more likely to do or say something unkind, know that they can get away with it with this boy, so he bears the brunt of bad behaviour more often than others. To my knowledge, there has never been any systematic bullying and I have never heard DS talking about any children being 'popular' or saying that he doesn't want to play with this boy because that would be uncool.

But even if he were being bullied, I'm not sure it would change my response in such a situation. I imagine he may well have a hard time in secondary school, but I can't fix that and I'm not sure that me tolorating his parents taking advantage of me is really much of a solution.

In the past I really tried to help this boy, and I'm pretty sure other parents did too. It didn't make the parents realise that they could do more for their son, I don't think they reflected on it at all. I just ended up feeling used.

In the past I really tried to help this boy, and I'm pretty sure other parents did too. It didn't make the parents realise that they could do more for their son, I don't think they reflected on it at all. I just ended up feeling used
You've probably hit the nail on the head here. You've tried before and found the parents to be CF. It's likely that other parents have been kind and tried too, and found the same thing.

It's really unfortunate that children end up missing out because of their parents'behaviour, but it really isn't the job of other parents to compensate for shit parenting.

In the past I really tried to help this boy, and I'm pretty sure other parents did too. It didn't make the parents realise that they could do more for their son, I don't think they reflected on it at all. I just ended up feeling used.

Ok, understandable but is his birthday the moment to take a stand when your DS would enjoy going and you can afford it?

OP I can see your point of view. I understand how you feel and I understand you not wanting to go. I can't really blame you. I do feel sorry for the kid, his life is about to become harder at secondary school but that's not on you, it's on the parents.
I think the issue is you've been taken advantage of so many times you've had enough.

"I've text the other mums and they say that they are aware that they are paying for their own child. I don't know at what point they found out. Nobody has expressed any opinion on it either way. I did say to one of them that I was't very impressed, but she didn't reply to that particular message."

Sounds like the other mums don't really approve of you texting round to get them on side. Honestly, for me, that's just terrible behaviour from you and colours everything else you say. I hope they all go and he has a great birthday.

My point is people are paying for and expecting others to pay for entertaining kids when it's not necessary.