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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expected to pay to attend party

407 replies

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 17:35

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

OP posts:
BodgerLovesMashedPotato · 24/07/2023 21:04

Procrastinatingbecauseithelps · 24/07/2023 20:52

I’d not let my son go and then give the boy a card and present and write some of the above in the card. Let him know you feel sorry for him that his parents put themselves first etc.

Show quote history

Let him know you feel sorry for him that his parents put themselves first etc
FFS, I hope you're not being serious there can never tell some days on here 😁
It's not his bloody fault if his parents are being cheeky fuckers about his birthday celebration!

Oceanus · 24/07/2023 21:07

The fact she said that she had forgotten and then changed her version to she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks would put me off. This lady is probably living above her means. Nothing wrong with that but then it usually spirals doesn't it? And herein lies the issue for me.
I don't believe in parties where "one has to pay for the pleasure of attending". You're a nice person but not so nice that I'll want to pay for the privilege of your company.

Luxell934 · 24/07/2023 21:10

Nowthenhere · 24/07/2023 20:20

Perhaps send a text saying that you're unable to pay for your child's entrance fee to climbing, but send the message when you're on route to the climbing venue.
When you get there, take your child to the venue and infront of everyone wish the birthday boy a happy birthday and hand your child over to birthday boys parent and say you'll pick them up at x time.
The parents are likely to remind you that they have chosen to pay for their own climbing over the children's. This could be your opportunity to say very loudly that you consider it very sad that they want all the children to watch adults do the climbing, that your child was very much looking forward to climbing with his friends to celebrate the birthday with children but if adults choose to have fun at the liberty of the birthday boy, that's on them. And walk out of the venue.
When you collect, you can choose to bring the present with you or not and this can depend on whether your child has climbed or not.
The aim is to leave the parents deciding if they want to have all the children watch them knowing that they are the reason the children are not climbing because the adults took their place.
Silly, immature but also allows the children to recognise that not all adults parent the same and that it's not the children's fault.

Seriously? Unless OP actually wants to look like an utter twat in public, and leave her son to potentially sit there in utter embarrassment watching other people climb then crack on 😂

Back in the real world OP, if you can afford it and your son wants to go then go. If not, just text saying something has come up and you can't make it.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 24/07/2023 21:10

Personally, I’d pay and take a gift so that my DC would enjoy themselves and the birthday child had a good time. It would be disappointing to pull out now they’re both expecting it to happen, it’s neither of the kids fault that the parents are weird.

But I wouldn’t accept future invites knowing what is likely to happen.

MrsMiddleMother · 24/07/2023 21:10

The whole situation is infuriating BUT just see it as an expensive play date, pay for your ds to climb and get the boy a small present. It'll be nice for both boys, and you won't have to see them again until school starts.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 24/07/2023 21:12

The parents are being completely rubbish though. I set a budget for my DC birthday…. if they want an expensive activity then numbers are dictated my cost pp. if it’s cheaper then they can invite more friends.

JudgeRudy · 24/07/2023 21:14

How is this attending a party? Surely you've just been asked to book to go at the same time as her son.

ZenNudist · 24/07/2023 21:17

Seen your updates. No way would I attend this. I'd not be encouraging the friendship. The parents sound bizarre. They've already got your back up being grabby. Clip and climb isn't even an adults activity so dunno why the parents are doing it. Just avoid. Seriously, don't go.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 24/07/2023 21:17

Poor boy. What selfish parents. I’d go & take a small gift that they wouldn’t want to nab.

thelengthspeoplegoto · 24/07/2023 21:19

It's all a bit weird. But, if your son wants to go and you can afford it just book him in! Personally I'd still get the kid a gift, it's not his fault.
Check with the other parents as well to make sure they know the situation.
At least now you know what's she's like, you can be prepared for what future invites might entail.

StillGotBabyBrain · 24/07/2023 21:21

LittleBearPad · 24/07/2023 21:03

It’s fine not to expect presents. It’s less fine not to give them.

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Nah, not doing it, put a fiver in a card and that's me. I am not going to buy more crap to end up at landfill. Even family Christmas and Birthdays I buy gifts from charity shops or tickets to things we can spend time together doing. I really don't like doing it.

You sound a bit like the present police here. People find their own level of understanding with these things. It just doesn't matter.

As for all of this, if OP can afford it and her kid wants to go, just let them go. Doesn't really sound like a party really, just a meet up, different circumstances to a party. Sure it can be sorted easily.

Oceanus · 24/07/2023 21:22

dunno why the parents are doing it.
Glad somebody else said it because I thought I was the only one thinking it's weird the dad and the mum are going.
I'd understand them going with young kids but these kids are 10. I don't think I've ever been to a party where the parents were in the activities to do anything other than supervising.
Who's going to be supervising if the parents are going to be doing their own thing and climbing too?
The parents should have watched from afar and used that money to pay for the kids plus thy're 10, there's no need for unlimited drinks imho.

thelengthspeoplegoto · 24/07/2023 21:22

Sorry, I've just read some of your updates. They are unbelievable selfish. Poor kid.

RhosynBach · 24/07/2023 21:24

Go to the climbing ‘party’ op. Buy the kid the loudest most annoying present you can think of. Maybe a recorder.

Delatron · 24/07/2023 21:33

It’s annoying as she was so flakey about it all. I mean if you hadn’t questioned then it would only be when you all turned up that you’d find out that you were expected to pay.

And then when questioned she said she ‘forgot’ to book your DS? What and all his friends too? I’m guessing this was a private message and not on the group chat.

The fact that the other mothers are quiet is strange though. Are you good friends with them? I’m wondering if she’s paid for a few friends then realised costs were escalating hence the ‘oh I forgot your child’ this is worse though.

If you do go I guess it will become clear whether they’re all on one booking.

Oceanus · 24/07/2023 21:38

I’m wondering if she’s paid for a few friends then realised costs were escalating hence the ‘oh I forgot your child’ this is worse though.
You're a mile ahead of me! This makes sense actually. Could it be payback for what you said to the dad back then...? Hmmm the plot thickens!

Budikka · 24/07/2023 21:41

I would speak to your son and offer him a "better alternative" and just see which he prefers. Hopefully the latter, although I hope the other's son will not feel hurt.

JusthereforXmas · 24/07/2023 21:44

LittleBearPad · 24/07/2023 21:03

It’s fine not to expect presents. It’s less fine not to give them.

Show quote history

Of course its fine not to give gifts.

People can't give what they don't have, many are struggling to pay rent and you think they should be buying 'tat' (as mumsnet loves to say) for other peoples kids?

Gifts aren't ever a requirement... only an entitled user or or ignorantly privileged person would think it 'not ok' to not give a gift.

Gilmorehill · 24/07/2023 21:47

Either you decline or send your ds with a card and a token present. The birthday mum is rude and entitled.

ClairDeLaLune · 24/07/2023 21:51

Don’t decline it OP. It wouldn’t be fair on poor Jonny, it sounds like he gets a shit enough deal from his parents as it is. Or on your DS who presumably would like to go. Also it seems a bit mean on Jonny to not get him a present. I’d get him one that really annoys the parents. Can you still get Bop-It? That’s fucking annoying!

SlashBeef · 24/07/2023 21:52
  1. I would decline immediately. No need to be confrontational, just say you hadn't realised it was a pay for yourself type "do" and you can't do that this month with the extra summer holiday expenses.
  2. Stop speaking to other mums about it now. You've given them the heads up. Leave it at that otherwise you become embroiled in any "she said, he said" nonsense.
  3. Their child is not your responsibility. You do not need to compensate for their lack of parenting. Withdraw from them.
MrsPetty · 24/07/2023 21:58

I’ve experienced this too. DD was invited to a cinema party and lunch after … accepted and then told everyone needs to pay for their own lunch and popcorn etc. the Mother is someone who’s daughter has been to many of DDs parties and on holiday with us and never been asked for a penny …

Isitautumnyet23 · 24/07/2023 22:05

That is very cheeky! They should have made it very clear from the start they were inviting kids to join their family day out, but would not be paying. It was wrong to give the impression it was a party (where kids costs are usually always paid for - never been to a party for either of my kids where the invited child isn’t paid for).

Unless your Son is absolutely begging you to go, i’d text saying sorry you have plans for that day.

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 24/07/2023 22:15

Awkward. I agree that the parents should have opted out of activities and drinks and covered the cost of a friend/ couple of friends. At the end of the day, though , if I could afford to pay for my child , I would want to make sure that the birthday child was not aware of any issues and had a great time and received a present with best wishes

Original poster
BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 22:19

ZenNudist · 24/07/2023 21:17

Seen your updates. No way would I attend this. I'd not be encouraging the friendship. The parents sound bizarre. They've already got your back up being grabby. Clip and climb isn't even an adults activity so dunno why the parents are doing it. Just avoid. Seriously, don't go.

At this age, I have little control of who they are friends with, but these boys aren't even that close friends although my DS does like him. The boy is very sweet but socially behind his peers and comes across as a little young for his age. I think they find him quite annoying and he is an easy target for bullies. I guess that may be a result of having so few oportunities to mix with friends outside of school.

OP posts: