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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expected to pay to attend party

407 replies

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 17:35

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

OP posts:
Nowthenhere · 24/07/2023 20:20

Perhaps send a text saying that you're unable to pay for your child's entrance fee to climbing, but send the message when you're on route to the climbing venue.
When you get there, take your child to the venue and infront of everyone wish the birthday boy a happy birthday and hand your child over to birthday boys parent and say you'll pick them up at x time.
The parents are likely to remind you that they have chosen to pay for their own climbing over the children's. This could be your opportunity to say very loudly that you consider it very sad that they want all the children to watch adults do the climbing, that your child was very much looking forward to climbing with his friends to celebrate the birthday with children but if adults choose to have fun at the liberty of the birthday boy, that's on them. And walk out of the venue.
When you collect, you can choose to bring the present with you or not and this can depend on whether your child has climbed or not.
The aim is to leave the parents deciding if they want to have all the children watch them knowing that they are the reason the children are not climbing because the adults took their place.
Silly, immature but also allows the children to recognise that not all adults parent the same and that it's not the children's fault.

Greenfishy · 24/07/2023 20:22

It is an absolute piss take and I’m not surprised you’re annoyed. However, having read all your posts, if you can spare the cash I’d send your DS.

Otherwise the poor little mite whose birthday it is will never have a birthday party.

doingthehokeykokey · 24/07/2023 20:24

Greenfishy · 24/07/2023 20:22

It is an absolute piss take and I’m not surprised you’re annoyed. However, having read all your posts, if you can spare the cash I’d send your DS.

Otherwise the poor little mite whose birthday it is will never have a birthday party.

Ah fuck it, the kid doesn't stand a chance, why drag it out!

I'd decline OP and tell them why

Oh sorry I can't run to paying for your childs party, this isn't an expected or planned for expense for us. Have a great time

6WeekCountdown · 24/07/2023 20:26

Just say no, why has she embarassed herself inviting you if can't pay for an actual party, such poor form. She can't even own what she's doing and make it clear when she invited you to join her family on their day out that you are literally paying for a day out with her family. It's not even a party. If it's only 4 kids why not pay for the kids and her and her husband sit out? What's with the unlimited drinks, who's going to drink that much climbing up a wall 🤣?

Greenfishy · 24/07/2023 20:26

wutheringkites · 24/07/2023 20:04

I'd probably decline but invite the boy over for a day or a sleepover, (offering to collect him and take him home) and give him a gift then.

Or do this but invite some other kids over and make it his birthday party!!

Wonder whether his parents would be so relaxed about that….

ISpyNoPlumPie · 24/07/2023 20:33

I’d decline saying I didn’t realise I’d be expected to pay to attend a party and that since I wouldn’t want to turn up without a gift, I had decided to spend that money on a present. Then I’d drop it at their house. I wouldn’t do anything extra for the child, what his parents are doing to him is awful but sadly you can’t change that, and it’s not your responsibility. It sounds like you have tried and his parents just take the piss. Poor poor kid

electriclight · 24/07/2023 20:34

I just don't see how she can expect people to pay for their own child. It didn't say that on the invitation. If people turn up on the day without booking, it could be fully booked already.

I still think it's a misunderstanding. Can't you just pick up the phone instead of interpreting texts going to and fro? Just say you're confused - is it a party or not, do you have to pay for your child to attend?

You're going to feel silly if you've got it wrong after drumming up the other mums.

drpet49 · 24/07/2023 20:40

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 20:02

I really do understand what you are saying and historically I have always tried to put that child first, but where does it end? When I do something for him, the parents are pleased with themselves for finding someone to offload him onto, with no recognition of the work that I or any other person has done for them/their child. I did try to address it with them before I gave up helping them. I pointed out that I was doing a lot for their DS and they don't do anything in return. The dad replied that they don't owe me anything, he said "it is Jonny you're helping, not me, so why would I owe you anything?". He didn't say it aggressively, he genuinly couldn't seem to see what this had to do with him. That was the point where I gave up.

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The parents really are a piece of work.

JusthereforXmas · 24/07/2023 20:42

Fiddlerdragon · 24/07/2023 18:18

Why are people suggesting that the op takes it out on the woman’s son? Either go and bring a card and present as normal, or don’t go. Why go out of your way to buy the cheapest card you can find and a used charity shop teddy to prove a point? That’s likely to leave her own child embarrassed, never mind his friend. This woman is being a bit of a cf, but it up to you to decide whether to put that aside and still attend

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How is taking a gift taking it out on anyone?

Gifts are never required, they are always an extra... and I don't know what magic you think there is between a 29p card and £1.49 card because I have literally never googled the prices.

The suggestion of cheap gifting options because OP is spending a fortune to attend (which is the opposite of 'taking it out on the child' which would be refusing to go) is perfectly NORMAL advice... stop being so entitled as to think you are owed 'better' than something thats a nicety in the first place.

Eve171 · 24/07/2023 20:42

Nowthenhere · 24/07/2023 20:20

Perhaps send a text saying that you're unable to pay for your child's entrance fee to climbing, but send the message when you're on route to the climbing venue.
When you get there, take your child to the venue and infront of everyone wish the birthday boy a happy birthday and hand your child over to birthday boys parent and say you'll pick them up at x time.
The parents are likely to remind you that they have chosen to pay for their own climbing over the children's. This could be your opportunity to say very loudly that you consider it very sad that they want all the children to watch adults do the climbing, that your child was very much looking forward to climbing with his friends to celebrate the birthday with children but if adults choose to have fun at the liberty of the birthday boy, that's on them. And walk out of the venue.
When you collect, you can choose to bring the present with you or not and this can depend on whether your child has climbed or not.
The aim is to leave the parents deciding if they want to have all the children watch them knowing that they are the reason the children are not climbing because the adults took their place.
Silly, immature but also allows the children to recognise that not all adults parent the same and that it's not the children's fault.

Errrr this isn't what you should do.

Totaly · 24/07/2023 20:43

Times are tough right now. I would think that she wants her son to have his friends at the climbing place and that he also wants her mum and dad to join in, my kids love it when we do activities for our children. I would imagine that she is embarrassed along side all this and didn't really want to say that she can't afford it.

Then you don’t get to spend other people’s time and money:

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/07/2023 20:43

Can uou ring the place up and enquire if she has paid for your son or if you need to pay

What are the other 3 parents doing

Original poster
BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 20:44

electriclight · 24/07/2023 20:34

I just don't see how she can expect people to pay for their own child. It didn't say that on the invitation. If people turn up on the day without booking, it could be fully booked already.

I still think it's a misunderstanding. Can't you just pick up the phone instead of interpreting texts going to and fro? Just say you're confused - is it a party or not, do you have to pay for your child to attend?

You're going to feel silly if you've got it wrong after drumming up the other mums.

I've text the other mums and they say that they are aware that they are paying for their own child. I don't know at what point they found out. Nobody has expressed any opinion on it either way. I did say to one of them that I was't very impressed, but she didn't reply to that particular message.

The mum was quite clear with me that I was to book and pay for my own child because she couldn't afford it.

There's little chnce that it will be fully booked, it's a big place.

OP posts:
Abbimae · 24/07/2023 20:45

Surely it’s not a party it’s a play date?

NotBotheredAnymore · 24/07/2023 20:46

Readyplayerthr33 · 24/07/2023 18:09

I think I would reply, “So, it’s not a birthday party actually? You’re just suggesting we bring our son for a day out and meet up with you? I’m afraid we can’t make it.”

This.

Just decline it OP. You are being taken for a mug.

MissHen · 24/07/2023 20:46

Take ds to the park with a picnic yourself. Who needs a climbing wall and 'unlimited drinks'?🙄Ball, Nerf and a sense of fun is all that is needed.

Springingintosummer · 24/07/2023 20:49

Home made card and a cheap gift would be what I would do.

or failing that, say to parents - you can’t afford to pay for guests you invited, so we have paid for the climbing and can’t afford a gift, if that is the case.

ChrisPPancake · 24/07/2023 20:49

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 19:01

She hasn't been upfront. I only realised when the wording of one of the texts was a bit odd so I queried if that meant that she wasn't paying for my DS.

No, my DS didn't invite himself, she text everyone to invite us to the party. We said yes. Only by chance did I realise that I was expected to pay (although the family have a form for trying to get as much out of others i.e. lifts/favours, while giving as little back as possible). So now people can't just politely decline as they have already accepted. The paying for themselves will presumably be sprung on them when they arrive. I have text the other mums to warn them, as it costs more to pay on the door than it does to book in advance.

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And @mondaytosunday I guess that's what I meant by being upfront - at least you're not getting it sprung on you when you arrive for the 'party' that you have to pay for it.

Procrastinatingbecauseithelps · 24/07/2023 20:52

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 18:39

I've never known a 'party' like this before. My problem now is what to do as I agree with the quote above that I don't think the parents are bothered either way. I think they genuinly wouldn't care if he had a party or if nobody turned up. They like climbing and so that's what they are doing. I don't for a minute believe it's about the money, as if it was, then they would have put their son first and funded a normal party, rather than paying for themselves to go climbing plus the unnecessary (but very nice) extra drinks.

I can afford it and my DS would be sad to not go, and actually I really feel for the boy, I've known him since nursery and I've never seen either parent put him first. Everything is about what they want and he is just there in the background. He rarely sees other kids outside of school because that's not something his parents want to do.

I'm thinking of going without a present on the assumption that this isn't a party, just a summer holiday meet up. That way at least I won't feel resentful. I don't want the boy to be sad about no present but really that's the fault of the selfish parents.

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I’d not let my son go and then give the boy a card and present and write some of the above in the card. Let him know you feel sorry for him that his parents put themselves first etc.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/07/2023 20:53

She's a terrible 'host' and worded it in a horrid pay- rather than claiming this is a party she should have said 'I'm taking my ds climbing to celebrate his bday he'd love to see his friends there so just letting you know in case you want to take your ds at the same time!'

Anyway, we can't control
The behaviour of others only our own. So...
I would allow mum son to go if he's keen but no present (or very limited value like a giant Chocolate bar or something) - the present to a wedding or birthday or whatever if a thank you to the host for the meal as well as a present to celebrate the occasion.

LittleBearPad · 24/07/2023 20:55

MissHen · 24/07/2023 20:46

Take ds to the park with a picnic yourself. Who needs a climbing wall and 'unlimited drinks'?🙄Ball, Nerf and a sense of fun is all that is needed.

He’s not three and I doubt OP needs ideas of what to do with her son.

Prinnny · 24/07/2023 20:55

If your DS would like to go I would send him but no birthday gift would be sent, it’s clearly not a birthday party.

StillGotBabyBrain · 24/07/2023 20:58

LittleBearPad · 24/07/2023 20:13

I don't really buy kids presents full stop, and many don't buy my kids presents when we do things for our kids birthdays and they come, I or my children do not care, my kids do not expect gifts...

I wonder why people don’t buy your children presents…

Because they cannot afford it, so why get aggy about it! No need to start pointing judgey fingers.

Presents are a bit of funny thing really, time is a much better gift. Suppose it depends how you are brought up.

If people want to pay for these things, crack on, if not, don't! When I invite people over for a party, I do not expect them to bring me gifts. I do it because I want to, not because I want something in return.

LittleBearPad · 24/07/2023 21:03

StillGotBabyBrain · 24/07/2023 20:58

Because they cannot afford it, so why get aggy about it! No need to start pointing judgey fingers.

Presents are a bit of funny thing really, time is a much better gift. Suppose it depends how you are brought up.

If people want to pay for these things, crack on, if not, don't! When I invite people over for a party, I do not expect them to bring me gifts. I do it because I want to, not because I want something in return.

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It’s fine not to expect presents. It’s less fine not to give them.

bagforlifeamnesty · 24/07/2023 21:03

Either
a) go but take a present that costs literally £1 like a bag of haribo. If anyone says anything just say oh sorry we would have got more but can’t afford it after paying for climbing
or
b) just decline and say “sorry we didn’t realise we were expected to pay as that’s not normally the deal with kids parties. Sorry we don’t have it in our budget this month so will have to decline”