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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expected to pay to attend party

407 replies

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 17:35

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

OP posts:
IVFlife · 25/07/2023 19:17

Decline

nidgey · 25/07/2023 19:18

That poor kid, so humiliating to have such CF parents. Whether to go or not might depend on how much my dc would like to or is looking forward to it. If he's not that pushed, then I'd decline.

Totaly · 25/07/2023 19:22

This. Be kind to him

So other parents should be kind where the parents are cheeky F’s?

There’s being kind and being taken advantage of. The fact that it’s the boys birthday so everyone should bend over backwards is ridiculous!!

Poppingmad123 · 25/07/2023 19:28

It’s not a party, more of a play date. How would you/your son feel if he’s the only extra attendee, say if the others binned it off for the same evasive reasons. It would be like gate crashing a family day out. I’d double check with the other parents first tbh.

Personally, I wouldn’t go. I’d respond with “ah chucks I can’t afford it either 🤣 how about birthday boy come over to ours for a play date another time instead?” And “have fun”.

Cherrysherbet · 25/07/2023 19:32

I’d just pay up for the sake of my child, buy a gift for the sake of her child……..and put her down as the biggest Cheeky fucker ever.

NotBotheredAnymore · 25/07/2023 19:43

After reading all these responses I wish i had booked my DCs parties at Alton Towers or London Zoo and only paid for them but still invited the whole class. Would have made such #good memories. Instead we settled for treasure hunts, balloons, musical chairs and pass the parcels in the family home. My poor deprived children.

The parents have many options and they chose to spend money on themselves and in doing so reduced the amount of friends for their son. This is on them, not the OP.

JMSA · 25/07/2023 19:43

Wow, that is cheeky.
They should have had a 'within their means' pizza and movie party at home, with the friends. And taken the boy climbing as his present.

JMSA · 25/07/2023 19:44

I would still go though, as I'd feel dreadful for the birthday boy.

Waffle78 · 25/07/2023 19:50

It's a bit odd and the poor lad will probably have the p* taken out of him when he's goes back after the holidays. Having mummy and daddy taking part in the activity.

Zanatdy · 25/07/2023 19:51

Bizarre and as you say if they were worried about money they didn’t need to pay for themselves or unlimited drinks. I’d let my son go and I’d also take a gift as my conscience wouldn’t let me make a point that meant a child being the one hurt the most by it. But I wouldn’t go all out and would spend less. Then next year I’d decline up front. I’ve never known a party where I’ve had to pay for my child. They could have just had family there and I’m sure the child would have enjoyed it. Poor kid, never put first

ejbaxa · 25/07/2023 19:51

Just give the child a box of Maltesers or similar so that you aren’t double charged for the climbing and the gift. She can afford food, she just doesn’t want to. She could make them each a sandwich (or even half a sandwich each) and take it along with a bottle of tap water.

Lilywc · 25/07/2023 19:57

No the woman said she’s only paid for her, her husband & son, others have to pay , it seems like she’s only booked the spaces but not paid
bit cruel on their son if he has to keep doing what the parents want , so sad x

towriteyoumustlive · 25/07/2023 20:01

As much as I think it's rather pathetic to get parents to pay for their child at a birthday party (the parents could have not climbed themselves and paid for 2 friends or just organised a party that was more affordable), I'd just pay for it but take a card and not a present.

Ilovecleaning · 25/07/2023 20:05

Nazzywish · 24/07/2023 17:38

Why don't you just decline the invite and tell her nicely why.? Sorry thought the psrty would be all paid for so on this occasion will have to politely decline, hope your ds has a lovely time etc etc.

From an adult point of view., I’m with you all the way. But the OPs son might feel uncomfortable and left out. I would check with my son first and see if wants to skip the party. But the ‘climbing mother’ is a bit strange!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 25/07/2023 20:20

My DS was invited to an ice skating party once - the parent asked if any parents who could skate well would be able to help out so DH agreed. When they got there the mum expected him to pay for himself and boot hire. I would have made an excuse not to skate but he paid. Yours is even cheekier! If DS really wants to go then send him but def a cheap crap gift. CF.

Ilovecleaning · 25/07/2023 20:20

towriteyoumustlive · 25/07/2023 20:01

As much as I think it's rather pathetic to get parents to pay for their child at a birthday party (the parents could have not climbed themselves and paid for 2 friends or just organised a party that was more affordable), I'd just pay for it but take a card and not a present.

I agree. I’d probably take a card and a small gift ( sweets, chocolate). When my kids were young I decided to suck it up and keep quiet in these situations. My DS always wanted to invite his friend on special pricey days out - think Alton Towers etc. Friend always arrived with no spending money and his mother never offered to pay entrance tickets.
We thought she was cheeky but we accepted it. In her place I would have at least have offered the entrance fee.
The OPs story reminded me of this!

Pepsi2001 · 25/07/2023 20:26

I wouldn't go.

toxic44 · 25/07/2023 20:28

I'd decline and do something separate with your boy to save him disappointment. When I'm paying, I want to choose where we go and what we do.

Meesh1982 · 25/07/2023 20:31

I would take a card and no gift… his gift is you paying for your child to attend his party!
Ive taken my DS7 on play dates instead of formal parties for a select few friends and the other parent has paid their entry & meal/drink as it’s a birthday ‘treat’ for their kid!

Original poster
BagOfFeet · 25/07/2023 20:38

lookingforchangenowww · 25/07/2023 17:50

It is weird but do you even know what’s the family financila
situation ? Have you thought about it ?
maybe she wants friends around but don’t have the spare money to pay for it all.
parties on these places are expensive !

for you would cost about £30 to take him, but some food and a little present ?

think about it.

I haven't pondered their financial situation, no. But the general rule of thumb is that you organise a party that you can afford, not organise a party that is too expensive for your budget and get other parents to pay the shortfall.

It might have cost £30 to pay for his place, some food for DS and a card and present for the boy, but the mum didn't check with me first that I have £30 to spend on her child's birthday. I would normally spend about £10 on a present. Why hasn't she considered my financial situation or even if I wanted to spend an extra £20 on her child?

OP posts:
RubyWedding · 25/07/2023 20:50

It's weird - but some people don't share the same culture / values around money as others. The main question does your son want to go and can you afford it.

T1Dmama · 25/07/2023 20:52

I would pay for my son to climb and for drinks, but I wouldn’t send a gift. It’s not a birthday party it’s a play date.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 25/07/2023 20:58

The parents sound clueless. I was going to suggest that OP explains normal party/parenting behaviour to them but it seems she has tried before. Can you say "Most parents actually care if their child is happy, so are grateful when somebody else does something nice for the child". It's not the child's fault they have awful parents. I know OP doesn't want to be taken for a mug but some kids need extra kindness and good role models, if they're not getting this at home.

EarringsandLipstick · 25/07/2023 20:58

I wouldn't send my DC in this situation. It's not a party. It's a weird kind of play date where the parents don't even seem interested in their own child, let alone invited children so it doesn't sound like a safe environment.

I would actually buy & give a present separately though.

Poor kid, selfish parents. You sound very kind & very reasonable OP

Ellie1015 · 25/07/2023 20:59

It is outrageous to invite to a party and expect guests to book/pay.

As your child would he sad to miss out and you can afford it i would go. However i would not be going again.

With hindsight it would have been better to not ask about food, find out about paying yourself and warning other mums. You should have turned up and let the awkward situation unfold perhaps parents would have been embarrased into paying or at least have to explain it to each parent themselves. There is a risk when they realise it is socially unacceptable they book the kids in and sort it and you look like you have wrong end of the stick.