Having a baby with not the greatest looking guy.

[Purplependant222]

My sister is my best friend, she is usually the nicest person in the world and I know this comment came out without her thinking. At the weekend I was talking with my sister and I said I was wondering what our baby (i’m pregnant with my first) will look like. She said without hesitation ‘hopefully the baby will look like you as you didn’t pick the best looking family to have a baby with’. Something along those lines with her trying to back peddle that she thinks my DH gets better looking every time she sees him as his personality shines through. There was also a comment on how all of his family are all a bit ‘unfortunate looking’.

It is true, I fell madly in love with DH’s personality and I wanted a future with him as his values/morals aligned with mine. I’m madly in love with him and couldn’t wait to have his babies.

However now I’m feeling like I’ve somewhat failed my future kids that they’re going to have an upward battle with being ‘unfortunate looking’. I’m not sure why I can’t shake it off as I know DH will be a brilliant and devoted father as he is as a husband, and I know that’s more important than my kids being 6ft tall or voted prom queen.

Yes- this celebrity couple sprang immediately to mind when I read this thread.
@Purplependant222 it’s the luck of the genetic draw. It’s not just about you and you dh but all of your forbears too. Their genetic features are all in the possible outcome.

My husband has a HUGE nose. Neither his DD from previous marriage or my DD have this nose!

Luck of the draw.
IMO a DD will look more like you, a boy will look more like him.

Only exception I ever knew: My DF has an extremely ugly toad like DH. She is tall, slim and absolutely stunning. The DD looks like him and the DS like her. That is a shame.

Hardly child grooming she was of a legal age 🙄 do you realise how unhelpful it is to the actual issue of child grooming when the phrase is flippantly wheeled out for an age gap that is merely a bit eyebrow raising?

Well said. “Pretty privilege” is real, but the people who are most aware of it are the people who don’t have it. I wish I was better looking not because I think there’s any inherent value in looks but because I know life is easier if you’re more attractive.

I failed my children by choosing for looks. I was obsessed with the way he looked and was pleased we were going to have cute kids. He was out with his mistress the night I gave birth to our third child. We're currently getting a divorce and he's bounced and barely sees the kids.

You are so lucky. Appreciate your husband every day.

I am no oil painting, yet both my daughters have turned out well. My 11year old looking more like me as she gets older but a more tanned/better looking version. My youngest is only 2, but she is very cute and a double of her dad.

No child will be a direct copy of either of you. So, ignore your sister.

If you've married for personality looks clearly don't matter to you, why would you only think about this now? Your kids will more than likely look like their dad, mine look like clones of theirs at the same age. They literally came out like mini me's too the midwives laughed at the resemblance, I think that's an evolutionary thing so the dad doesn't question their paternity.

Your sister is mean to say it to you, I'd probably think the same though if my sister had a really ugly husband, I just wouldn't voice my opinion!

You chose an ugly partner, you might get ugly kids, you might not. There is really no point worrying about it now.

My childrens dad isn't what you would call good looking but all my children look like him and they are all beautiful, in fact people always comment on 'what bonnie bairns' I have

People stopped me in the street to tell me how stunning my daughter was as a young child. It used up make me feel uncomfortable judging my child on her looks. The whole thing is ridiculous.

they do and its a pretty normal thought.

People do think it and generally alway wonder if their children will have their facial or personal traits.

But also sometimes interesting people have insanely gorgeous kids and insanely gorgeous people had unremarkable looking children.

Most people think it and just don't say anything

I’ve been trying to think of an analogy for this and the closest thing I can think of is wealth. You could argue that there are disadvantages to being rich - people take advantage of you, you never know whether your friends like you for who you are - but how many of us would choose to be poor?

Why does your sister care about your children's looks? Shallow.

Well I'm no oul painting neither is dh but we adore our kids and think they are the best.
Take it with a pinch of salt. I would have just laughed at her nonsense

What has height to do with anything either

It’s basically impossible to tell whether a beautiful child will be a beautiful adult. What suits a cute toddler face may look odd on the face of a grown adults. Most of the very cute kids I’ve known have grown into perfectly average looking adults. Equally there was a girl at school who was overweight, teased for her frizzy ginger hair and buck teeth, who thanks to dental work and GHDs now looks like Karen Gillan.

Oddly as well, a lot of the beautiful teen girls at my school don’t suit adulthood - it’s like they peaked too soon and again now they’re plain Jane’s. My best friend always says this happened to her (and it did but obviously I won’t confirm it to her!). DH was a plain looking teen but is something of a silver fox now, one of few men in their 40s to keep all of their hair and their good figure (he works on that though).

And don’t forget half the battle is having innate dress sense and knowing how to flatter yourself, or the motivation to stay fit. Zoey Deschanel is an absolute beauty with her fringe but looks quite odd without it. Google Jason Momoa without his beard…

So yes, don’t panic, even if your kids (while beautiful to you) aren’t objectively stunning. There’s a lot of room in life for improvement, you can’t really tell what anyone will look like at their next stage in life and looks (while a nice-to-have) are secondary to character in my book.

That was a thought that should have stayed firmly in her head.

You’ll love your baby anyway and no amount of worrying about how they’ll look will change it, so don’t waste your pregnancy worrying about it.

I'm currently on a waiting list for pre implantation genetic testing to try to make sure the gene mutation that caused DH's cancer doesn't get passed on, so to say your sister's comment didn't land well with me would be something of an understatement. Funnily enough the ethics body that has to give permission for this sort of testing doesn't consider being a bit of a minger to be an ethically sound justification.

I know you say she's usually nice but she really dropped the ball with this one. You've found a good man who you love and who shares your values and your dreams for the future, and that's what actually matters.

Look at Lily Collins- quite possibly the most beautiful celebrity at the moment and dad? No one would have given him a modelling job.

Three things stand out to me:

1. Two good looking parents do not always make a good looking child and vice versa
2. The people I know who are less conventionally beautiful have, genuinely, had far easier times of it in terms of finding good life partners. Good looks can often be a hinderence there, bringing forth people who are only attracted to looks
3. I don't know of anyone where looks have been the deciding factor between happiness or not. I've known deeply unhappy beautiful people, brought up without love or support - and very happy 'plainer' people, brought up in a home of love and given all the encouragement to go out and do what makes them happy

@littlegrebe all the very best to you and your DH.

@Purplependant222 and to you too. Old sayings endure for a reason and the one that springs to mind is 'beauty is as beauty does'

Very few people are universally regarded as attractive, we all like different things and how many of us end up partnered with our 'ideal' looking choice? so many other factors come in to play.

Besides which, looks grow and change through life and every one of us is a unique individual. Your sister is probably kicking herself if she's usually a kind soul. Rest assured that your baby is going to absolutely melt hearts and be their own special person.

You can't predict how they will look. My fiancé looks nothing like his parents at all. And I'm better looking than both of my parents were (sorry parents).

She was rude to say that though.

Hopefully the baby will inherit the personality and attitudes of her father and not your sister.

The concept of attractiveness generally is interesting. There’s always an apparently ‘agreed general attractiveness’ pushed by society, but what that is varies massively across era and culture. So while it’s accurate to say that meeting that conventionality will give you an easier time in some respects, it’s clear that there’s a ‘group think’ component to this, much in the way ‘popular’ anything (music, movies etc.) are seen as inherently ‘good.’

The conclusion from this is that while there is a ‘standard’ in society (which can change), we all have individual preferences. I’ve always been told I have strange taste in what is ‘attractive’ - I like distinctive, interesting features, I like faces that show lives that are lived. I like to see personality and intelligence and humour shine through in the way a person carries themselves. The presence of someone, the way they fill a room, all contributes to how attractive I see someone. Moral and kindness ramps up attractiveness to a crazy degree, and not just in the sense of ‘they have an attractive personality’ but the way their personality inhabits their body changes their overall attractiveness.

But I also find beauty in dark, forgotten things, juxtaposition, dichotomies. So perhaps my general preferences for intrigue win out. Mostly, I find ‘accepted standards’ as very bland. Not negative, but neutral. I recognise people who meet those standards but I have little interest in them.

Your baby will be gorgeous, and you and your partner will be the best parents!
Don't let her silly comment bother you