am I supposed to just not work and accept I will lose my job? What the hell can I do here?

[flexibilitya]

DS started nursery in May. Since then he’s been off more than he’s been in. I have 3 days annual leave left for the rest of the year!!! What am I supposed to do? He’s obviously going to be unwell again. I have zero practical support and DS’s dad has no involvement. Work are accommodating but by now I can tell they know I am doing very little, I worked through the nights last week but my job is not one you can just do on no sleep, it’s hard, I’m paid well. I feel like giving up. How can this be sustainable?

Not sure if it's been said already but both you and the father are legally entitled to 18 weeks of unpaid parental leave before the child's 18th birthday. It's for exactly this purpose. Yes it is unpaid but it means you can keep your annual leave. The father is also entitled to it so make sure they are also using it if they are in the picture. It's not widely known about for some reason. My partner took 7 weeks of it when my little one was born. We had lots of comments from friends saying that their partner's employer would never let them do that and we are so lucky... But it's the law, the employer can't say no in most circumstances. I think most people didn't know about it and their partners just assumed they couldn't take anything and never even looked into it.

Actually it is normal. Children at that age can have 17 viral illnesses a year. My employer told me it wasn’t normal too and then the GP set me straight. My children are older now, both healthy, but the nursery years and after the return to school after covid closures were awful.

Good luck OP. A year of a newly qualified live in nanny changed things for me.

Don't quit. It's utterly shit and I fully sympathise, but it does pass. Unfortunately you still have this coming winter to get through which will probably be more of the same, so you need a plan.

If you can WFH with him at home, do that. Assuming he's only 1 you've got a good year or more of afternoons naps, you can get a lot done in two hours if you have to (I did Covid lockdown when my son was your child's age). If he sleeps well, can you get up early and get an hour or two in then? And obviously working in the evening. The TV is your best friend, embrace it and you can probably get some work done too - no point being sat on the sofa while they're engrossed in the TV if you could be working. (Obvs if they need cuddles and sick bucket you need to take a day off.)

You could definitely try a childminder - they have fewer children so fewer germs, and also they're more likely to take a child that's just a bit under the weather. Our nursery is really good and will take them as long as they don't have a temp or stomach bug, if they just need cuddles and a quiet day. During Covid they sent them home at the slightest hint of a cough or fever and it was hell.

Mine is now 4 and doesn't get ill anywhere near as much. Thank goodness.

You need to find a better nursery or childminder! They are robbing you if they're asking for you to come and collect him for some sniffles.

Can you ask for work flexibility to complete your tasks in the evening at home when DS is in bed?

I had my kid at two nurseries . The first one was really ridiculous - people were nice but they did ring me to pick him up twice claiming he had a fever but each time when I got there , he didn’t. My current nursery lets kids run around all snotty etc…
maybe try asking local friends what their nurseries Re like ( illness policy wise) or else, childminders tend to be much more flexible around minor Illness

Also don't worry about feeling judged... you are using YOUR annual leave. Once its gone its gone and you get the same as everyone else does.

You have my sympathy. My DCs are all older now but I remember this happening with each one as they started nursery. They just pick up every germ going.

It does pass & on the bright side, DC will be through that stage before they start school.

As for work, I was on a zero hours contract at the time so earned very little some weeks. I used to volunteer to cover sickness at weekends though, when DH was home, which kept my employer happy as covering the weekends (community care) could be a nightmare.

Find a childminder.
Less children in the setting means less bugs in general. I've used 2 childminders, 1 with each of my children. Both of them have had minimal send home (in fact my current childminder has never sent my DS home and he's been there 2 years)
He had a couple days off here and there for being ill and my childminder has had to cancel a couple times due to being ill but it's a lot less than a nursery, a lot less!
My childminder takes minimal holidays and she gives me 12 months notice every January of when they are. Same with my first childminder, she had to close once due to being ill herself in 3 years I used her and I think I only collected DD twice with tonsillitis.

Nurseries are very illness averse. I would try and find a childminder that will take him unless he is very I'll.

Get a nanny maybe nanny share if he under five
Costs $$$ but is gir short term and long term you want to keep your job
Nannies will work when child is ill
(You will just need to cover when nanny is ill !)

Realustically working with him at home isnt going to work if is frequent

try babysitting dot com for a babysitter, many uni student advertise and will be available in the day time. See if you can find a couple to babysit and grow a report with your dc and then if off nursery ask them to babysit at short notice

Also you need a network. Not now, but in a few days get in touch with any parent networks you have and open up. Maybe there could be some informal support between you?

Whenever I see stuff like this on MN I always wonder if the people giving the advice have ever actually done this themselves? Because I cannot imagine calling up random parents from my kids swimming lessons or women I did NCT classes with and asking them if they'd like to "informally" take care of my unwell child. If I did I'm pretty sure there'd be a thread on here about what a CF I was. For a start the majority of parents work. Even if they didn't, why would they want OP's potentially infectious child in their home passing germs onto their own DC? Even if OP did miraculously find someone who is happy to babysit the sick children of acquaintances, presumably she would be expected to reciprocate...how is that going to work? If she's struggling to take time off for her own sick child she doesn't need someone else turning up with theirs!

I did personally find a nanny was better in terms of if they are ill then the nanny is at home with them. A good nanny could be a godsend helping you. They aren’t cheap but sounds like worth investigating along with flexible working requests. If you coordinate with your nanny your periods of annual leave with theirs etc the potential downside is if your nanny is ill, but for us that was very infrequent.

https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants#:~:text=You're%20allowed%20a%20reasonable,it%20depends%20on%20the%20situation.&text=If%20your%20child%20falls%20ill,doctor%20and%20make%20care%20arrangements.

My advice is dont muddy the water by volunteering to work when you are off with your sick child. It's not professional, something will get missed, you will feel worse that you are failing work and your son at the same time.

Your employer hasnt raised it with you so either wait until they do or, if you have a good boss and a good culture you could schedule a meeting with your manager to discuss the fact you fee under stress about the whole situation, particularly if you think its affecting work.

An alternative to a nanny could be an au pair. As long as you have space and dont overload them with frequent childcare.

Nurseries run at absolutely max ratio all the time. They tend to be very quick to send kids home - 3 friends of mine found their nursery was sending kids home "ill" (always with the elusive fever that had gone by the time they were there to collect) on rotation on the same afternoon every week because they were understaffed!!

People will deny this ever happens but it does. I spent a while on the management committee of a setting and we had to get cross with the staff because they would send kids home over nothing. I was in once for a meeting and they were trying to send a boy home because he was "quiet and not himself today". We had constant complaints from working parents who'd find themselves collecting a happy, energetic 2 year.

Brawnwild post brexit its extremely difficult to get au pairs and they are completely untrained and not intended as full time sole charge of very young children - they are only paid about £100 a week, they are supposed to be for "light" childcare duties such as wraparound for older children.

Definitely talk to your manager at work. Most employers would much rather try to make some adjustments rather than lose a good employee.

We went through a very similar thing when my son started nursery in October - for the first three or four months he rarely lasted a full day and my husband and I would take bets on the time we'd get the call to come and pick him up on any given day. He had loads of minor bugs and every time he'd spike a fever and be excluded for 24 hours. By March I was pulling my hair out thinking it'd never end and even had a bit of a cry one day when I was called up to collect him yet again.

And then it stopped all of a sudden - it was like his immune system suddenly kicked in. He hasn't had a day off sick in months.

Definitely talk to your work about this and explain where you're at - I'd be prepared to bet money that others in your job have been through this before and will get it. My work were very sympathetic - I had been there for years so they knew I wasn't a skiver. On the days he'd be sent home I'd do what I could to work with him around - do a couple of hours when he napped and then TV on and try and monitor things as best as I could (work were fine with this as it was to cover illness as opposed to simply trying to save on childcare). Do not quit your job - there are almost certainly ways to ride this out until it passes which don't involve you writing off your career.

Not all nurseries are like this. DD got all the bugs when she started but nursery were always happy for me to send her in with Calpol, to give her extra cuddles and get her through the day. She’s been sent home a handful of times in her four years there.

DD’s friend’s nursery have always sent her home for the slightest sniffle and it’s been a nightmare for my friend who works fulltime with her dh away a lot.

Have you ever considered actually reading the OP???

How obtuse....

No, employers generally don't permit looking after your child while WFH, but in this case, it's exceptional rather than the rule.

As your partner he should have respected you had an important task and needed to be professional.

If he had been working and you knew he had a similar meeting would you have let it happen?
If the answer is no you should expect the same in return.
Your partner should support your job and career.

Have you taken any days parental leave? You’re entitled to take time off for dependant sickness, think it’s unpaid but if you’re well paid the rest of the time hopefully this is feasible? Then it doesn’t eat into your holiday. Hang in there, it gets easier as they get older x

What part of "DS’s dad has no involvement" are you struggling to comprehend???!!! FFS!!!