am I supposed to just not work and accept I will lose my job? What the hell can I do here?

[flexibilitya]

DS started nursery in May. Since then he’s been off more than he’s been in. I have 3 days annual leave left for the rest of the year!!! What am I supposed to do? He’s obviously going to be unwell again. I have zero practical support and DS’s dad has no involvement. Work are accommodating but by now I can tell they know I am doing very little, I worked through the nights last week but my job is not one you can just do on no sleep, it’s hard, I’m paid well. I feel like giving up. How can this be sustainable?

The first couple of months are usually the worst, but it's now the summer and there are a lot less germs around. There will be a lot more bugs around in the autumn and winter.

What has your DS been sick with? What's your threshold for keeping him home? Whilst there can be a lot of bugs when they first start, you do also have to get used to sending them in when they are not quite right rather than properly poorly. For example, my DC3 gets tonsillitis repeatedly, and he can be struggling with a sore throat for 3 plus weeks each bout - I don't keep him at home for all of that. Also, definitely work from home when you can whilst they're off, if you can manage half a day it's then only half a days leave you need to use.

As others have said, at a childminders there is a smaller pool of kids so you tend to have fewer issues with bugs. Downside is that depending on their set up with assistants you may find that you have to take holiday to cover the childminder being poorly or on holiday.

I've had lots of children who left nursery and came to childminding to reduce illness.

Very experienced senior mgt here, also a mum with older kids.

Almost every parent with kids in nursery goes through this. It isn’t broadcast but firms are usually supportive as it’s transitory and goes back to normal soon.

Those whose kids skip it can have awful reception years! So another way to look at it is that you’re getting it over early.

Practically I would discuss it with your manager and (if your manager isn’t very suitable) another manager in your line. I would explain how you’re mitigating the time off (working after bedtime, doing extra hours at the weekend).

Building a network is also key. Is there a local mum who might do some paid hours for you as needed but doesn’t want a full-time commitment? Could you consider an au pair as backup?

It absolutely is normal. DD had 50+ days off nursery in her first year, 30 were due to mandatory Covid isolation and 20 odd was due to illness and it wasn’t much better in years 2 and 3. We have finally got there in year 4.
Her friends were all similar, it has been really challenging with 2 parents taking leave, let alone 1.

It wasn’t the nursery being germ adverse, DD would have a sky high temp and be actually too unwell to go. It was a Covid era impact for us, minor illnesses in babies and preschoolers hit a massive high because of isolation.

What are your nursery rules and what has he been off with? General rule is no sickness or runny tum, no fevers, no chickenpox. But everything else as long as he is OK in himself is fine to send in. My DS has reoccurring chest infections but is fine other then the antibiotics so he goes to nursery still.

Definitely check out if your work have paid parental leave it's generally up to 5 days. But if your nursery is insisting he come home for a cold when ok in himself then I would be looking for another nursery.

We chose a childminder deliberately because we knew nurseries send kids home at the drop of a hat. Ours is much more chilled about them having sniffles etc although obviously things like D&V are strictly enforced absence. It really does help.

You are in the parenting trenches right now, it's really tough! But your employer may be a lot more forgiving than you think, do engage with them. The bubble babysitting app has saved my bacon more than once also. Handhold OP, it does get better but it's bloody tough when you're going through it.

As others have said is the nursery particularly strict? Mine went in when they were ill constantly. Otherwise they’d have never been in. Excluding d&v but coughs, colds, hand foot and mouth etc I packed them off with calpol and in they went.

If he’s genuinely poorly then presumably napping or resting in front of the telly so you could wfh for 2-3 hours then catch up in the evening when he’s in bed. My husband has had to do this. As long as he gets his work done his employer doesn’t mind.

Another saying consider a childminder. I occasional would give dc calpol before nursery started if a wee bit out of sorts. The nursery had a policy of only giving one dose of calpol and would always phone before giving, so this meant the high temp stayed down all day. Dc now a confident teen and emotionally well adjusted before I get accused of emotional neglect.

You can only take parental leave in week blocks, so that may not be the best solution. A full time nanny will cost you around £1,200-£1,700 a month give or take - you can use tax free childcare. Saying all this, what your child is going through is not unusual. If your employers value you, I don’t imagine you will lose your job. They should work with you to support you through this temporary hardship.

Talk to your manager and do it now.

Ask for a meeting, stare the problem, say what you're doing about it and ask what they can offer to support you during periods of dependent illness. And cross your fingers that you have a manager who's been through this. Even if they haven't, they should want to support you.

Agree with the posters above who say it's awful, not discussed, but it usually does settle.

A colleague found hers through an online agency.

She shares the nanny with a friend with a child of similar age, alternate weeks at one another's houses. It's halved the cost.

The nanny just does Mon-Fri, and they pay a specialist company to take care of her wages, tax etc.

Also you need a network. Not now, but in a few days get in touch with any parent networks you have and open up. Maybe there could be some informal support between you? I only got through it because of having 2 sets of grandparents. Unusual to have that so you may have to construct something else.

Work are accommodating but by now I can tell they know I am doing very little why are you doing very little? Not being a cow, I'm clarifying. You're booking AL when he's ill, so what's stopping you working when he's back at nursery? Tiredness, depression, disinterest, lost at work, poor guidance etc?

My twins were off constantly when they started nursery , well the whole first year. I remember nearly three weeks once and off between them. I have a hard stressful job and didn’t know how to sustain. IT does get better though, and not that far away .. there is an end in sight. My work were supportive luckily and I persevered through , and did use a back up nanny from an agency. Try even Bubble app , and wfh to support ease in, atleast someone is looking after your child and you can get work done.

Consider a childminder as they are less likely to send them home. It's also developing a thick skin I would love to let DS stay home every-time he's not great but it's not practical. We do isolation for D&V if we think it's viral (he has a weak stomach), kind of did chicken pox a but practically all the nursery class got it so they went back for a trip if they were mostly scabbed up (not totally) with the heads blessing. Colds etc nope brufen before he went (and now to school) then they will give one dose of calpol that gets him through the day.

Childminder. That's what I'd have done but I was able to stop working.

I think it’s really hard going when they are at nursery as they catch everything and nurseries can often be so strict with their exclusion policies. One of my sons had CMPA and when he was undergoing the milk ladder, there would be days he would have diarrhoea just while his body adapted. They would send him home every time it happened and exclude him for 72hrs even though it obviously wasn’t contagious. Then the nursery would close constantly- chickenpox outbreak, norovirus outbreak, covid, strikes etc.

Im in a different situation from yourself so not a great deal of experience in that regard but my husband had a managerial role at work and often helps work round childcare issues for his staff using parental leave (in extreme cases there is also special leave). As others have said, look into WFH too.

Put an ad on childcare.co.uk for the hours you need.

Maybe read the OP?

I have zero practical support and DS’s dad has no involvement.

Is a BIG clue!

Does he have underlying health issues? That’s a lot of illness, definitely far higher than average?

Not usually. But it is worth OP asking. Depending on what she does it might be possible.
I WFH and DS goes to nursery. But I think if I was in this situation I know boss is quite flexible as it is possible with my job. I would be able to do maybe 3ish hours during the day when DS napped then the rest of the day after 7pm when he was down for the night. Absolutely not ideal but it could get OP passed this period.

Totally normal when starting nursery. Ds managed somehow to get a cold an ear infection and conjunctivitis within his first 3 weeks. 🙄

if you can wfh while he’s home then I would try. Even now if my kids (4 and 6) are poorly and I’m home I try and get some hours in. I do let work know that I might not be my usual productive self but my job is one where there are a multitude of more “back office” things I can do whilst kids are around.

Be proactive with work, ask for unpaid leave and show you are taking responsibility for the problem.

A decent employer will understand, you'll get some leeway on your performance hopefully and they have a duty of care to you. They shouldn't be condoning you working through the night after looking after a sick child all day. Explain the problem, show willing and how conscientious you are. Consider any creative solutions like a family member helping out at the weekend and you making up time then.

As a GP I can confirm that frequent illnesses when starting nursery are very normal. Unless there are red flag symptoms you've not shared here, I wouldn't consult the GP or Health Visitor. Iirc, there was research a few years ago which showed children become unwell roughly once a month at this age/stage.

As others have said, a childminder or nanny might have a different threshold for wanting you to collect your child. We used a nursery for my eldest and had to switch to a nanny because the nursery sent him home about once a fortnight on average (each time saying he couldn't return for several days). Now my children are 4 and 3, they're past the constant illness stage and are back in nursery again with no issues.

It is such a normal and horrific experience. I remember that time as a desperate madness. I recall sobbing in the nursery managers office about conjunctivitis .

It will pass and they build amazing immune systems. Ask work for flexibility. It is more common than you think.

One of mine would get a fever with every tooth. I used to give paracetamol at 7am to get the fever down, ibuprofen in the nursery car park at 9am knowing it would buy me 6 hours.

That child is 20 now and is amazing on nearly all measures. No harm done at all. Parenting is the culmination of millions of decisions, and there is grace for compromise at some stages.