am I supposed to just not work and accept I will lose my job? What the hell can I do here?

[flexibilitya]

DS started nursery in May. Since then he’s been off more than he’s been in. I have 3 days annual leave left for the rest of the year!!! What am I supposed to do? He’s obviously going to be unwell again. I have zero practical support and DS’s dad has no involvement. Work are accommodating but by now I can tell they know I am doing very little, I worked through the nights last week but my job is not one you can just do on no sleep, it’s hard, I’m paid well. I feel like giving up. How can this be sustainable?

Op I have been there as a single parent with no support, its a nightmare but it won't last forever. I would have a think about whether childminder might be better, is he actually ill when they send him home or are they just taking the piss? Definitely try wfh when they are sick rather than take AL, most employers understand that this will happen from time to time and I have never personally had any problems but could be worth a chat with your manager to explain the situation.

Brain storming for you.
Do speak to work.
You might be able to work some days per week at home - thus easy to swap one of those for when kid is sick.
Can the child go to work with you when sick, depending on the illness of course?
Can you band together with one or two parents of children in the same class and look after each other's children once per week?
Can you take in a lodger who can be paid for odd days of childcare or have that taken off her rent?
Can you employ a baby sitter when your child is sick?
Can your relative (or the child'srelative) stay for a couple of days each time he is sick?

Definitely talk to work proactively. I'm guessing you're experienced in your role and they were happy with your work previously. It's a right pain in the arse to recruit for what is something that's only temporary (presuming it's the usual starting nursery bugs).

I reduced my hours temporarily (which may or may not be possible for you). I was able to occassionally shuffle my days if a kid was ill so I still worked my days, or worked an extra day the next week to make it up.

For all the people saying it isn't normal, it was normal for us. My DS got a new illness approximately every 3 weeks for the first 7 months he was at nursery, then it settled and he's hardly been ill since (touch wood). I also got all these illnesses from him - I had 11 colds in 1 year! I think it's worse since covid as nursery now don't give Calpol as say it can mask a covid fever (don't know if all nurseries have this policy, it's really annoying, also they don't accept them in if they've had calpol in the last few hours).

I think if your employer hasn't mentioned it then don't bring it up. They will know that this happens. I felt guilty having so much time off but what can you do. They were aware we had no family support to step in with childcare. They know it will settle. If they bring it up then ask about unpaid parental leave. This too shall pass.

Definitely don't quit. My baby was ill constantly the first 3-4 months of nursery. It's gotten so much better since. But I really felt awful and guilty for work also.

I'd definitely recommend the multivitamins and a good probiotic powder - we did this religiously and he's avoided a couple of the sickness bugs and chickenpox going around his room at nursery since.

Also, I spoke to my boss and took a half day holiday on the days he was sick. The other half I worked around when he was napping and in the evening. There was some Cocomelon too (quite a bit...)

I'm honestly in awe of you. I have a partner to share it with. But it's stressful all on your own. It will be temporary though. So don't give up your job. Work will realise it's temporary too - they build up an immune system and sickness gets a lot less frequent

BTW have you got the space for/thought about, an au pair? I believe they are much harder to get these days because of Brexit, so it might not be practical, and they can only do a certain number of hours in a week - but if you agree with them that the hours they do are flexible - and don't generally use them up the maximum, they can be a godsend when you have these kind of childcare crises - also we found really good for the DC, like an older sister really, plus handy just to have another adult in the house to pitch in for those regular chores like unloading dishwashers and on a whole range of fronts. And as a bonus they expose your DC to other languages and cultures. MY DC are now almost of the age when they might consider au pairing themselves - but we had a stream of them when they were young - and while there is a bit of mothering you need to do (helping them negotiate British life, open bank accounts, that sort of thing), and they sometimes have relationship or other crises they need to talk to you about when you really don't have the headspace - they were a really positive aspect of my DC's toddlerhood and small childhood.

Those first few months are nursery are incredibly tough, where they catch everything under the sun. I had this period across Covid, when they sent them home at merest sniff or cough, it was hell especially being self employed. You may just need to take unpaid days if you run out of leave.

It doesn’t last forever though, so hang in there and middle through the best you can, and he will soon develop a bulletproof little immune system. Your workplace obviously values you if they have been supportive so far. Hugs, it’s tough - but gets better!

I sometimes used to lie and say it was me that was ill. Seemed to go down better.

We allow our staff to work when kids are sick, we don’t expect full productivity. When mine started nursery they caught everything going, but soon built some immunity

It's obviously not a suitable regular arrangement, especially at the toddler stage. However in the case of an ill child, they may sleep quite a lot of the day, and the employee might well be able to put in half a day or more of working from home. Depending on the nature of the work, and the pragmatism of the employer, that might be far better than taking time off for the entire time the child is off nursery.

Au-pair/live-in nanny was my solution. It's actually often cheaper than nursery

The other thing you could do at this time of year is see if you can find a local teen who would come and look after your child in your house while you are working from home.

I wouldn't even tell them.

I work fully remote and have my kids at home with me during school holidays etc.

So long as the work gets done, no one cares.

Although mine are Reception and Yr 1 now so I appreciate it's easier than nursery age.

I'm sorry you're in such a predicament. Is your DS not going to nursery much (as others have commented on) because they are strict on their policies and allowing unwell children to be in?

I work in a nursery, and we will only send children home/say they need to be kept at home, if they are vomiting/have diarrhoea (in which case they can return 48 hours after the last bout, if they've got covid, conjunctivitis, hand foot and mouth, etc. There are other, specific, illnesses that mean a child must stay off nursery, other than those I've mentioned. We do allow children with colds in if they do not have a temperature, which we check regularly if they do have a cold. Here's a link to NHS site, hope it helps.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/is-my-child-too-ill-for-school/

I do agree with other pp that if your son if unwell frequently, medical advice/attention should be sought. And also as someone mentioned, look into parental leave.

You've mentioned you can work remotely; depending on how your DS is, I don't think most companies would have a problem with it, as long as you're able to do your work/get projects etc completed and if on work calls not have to frequently step out. Maybe see if your company have a flexible working policy - you may be able to alter your hours. It would mean cutting your pay slightly though.

Best of luck, and I hope your son feels better soon x

sorry there was supposed to be a closed bracket ) after 'the last bout'. The incubation period and time until they can go back to nursery varies depending on the illness of course.

@flexibilitya

I don't know if this suggestion will help..........
I'm way out of touch with the cost of chidcare as my kids are now young adults.
My circumstances were different to yours in that I wasn't a lone parent, and needed childcare for 2 children.
But I'm posting because some PPs have suggested having a nanny.
I had a chilminder for my 1st child, and she minded other kids, so he wasn't alone.
When I had my second, my childminder couldn't take her as she was limited to the amount of children she could look after.
I wanted my kids to be together, so I found another childminder.
She was ok, but something just didn't feel right.
I was thinking through my options, and saw an advert from a nanny in the childrens' clinic attached to my GP surgery.
She looked after 2 children, but had capacity for 2 more.
She was a daytime nanny.
So, nannies don't have to be "live-in".
It worked really well, and my kids got on well with her original 2.
If a child was unwell, she just kept them at home and didn't take them to playgroup/pre-school/school. She and all the kids became like another loving family!
And I think the cost was broadly similar to what I was paying the childminder.

It’s normal but bloody hard. I would say it gets easier but I think you have to be honest that even if you wfh with an under 3 you’re not going to be doing a full day. What I tended to do was book a 1/2 day of leave and then do as much as I could when they were sleeping. That is much more realistic than trying to manage an upset little one and doing a full day of work.

It does get easier as they get older. I could easily work with my 7yo at home while off sick. She is quite happy to have a sofa day and not bother me. My 4yo is a work in progress. I still wouldn’t say I could get a full day done while she was at home.

It does sound like an awful lot of sickness exclusions though and winter will probably be worse so you do need a plan but also to get a sense of if your nursery is more strict than some others.

Get the unpaid parental leave. Buy extra holiday if that is an option?

I am a full time carer and also have a full time job.....and I end up on unpaid leave. It’s just life I guess.

WFH with a kid around?

Do employers allow this?

it was good enough for a lot of us during lockdowns

Do you have to ask them? Would they know? I think lots of people do this ‘unofficially’ but probably best not to officially ask if you don’t have to

Both of mine were ill for ~3 mths when they started nursery. It must be so hard to be doing it by yourself. Hopefully you're nearly through it now.

On the plus side, while there will still be ad hoc illnesses (there always are), you shouldn't have loads of illness when LO starts school or anything. KOKO, you're nearly there.

You need to address this head on with your Line Manager. See what solutions you can come up with together. That's an urgent priority. Say what you've said here & reiterate how much you like the job and want to stay.

Hope you get it sorted OP but please don't let people make you unduly concerned, kids contract an average of 8 colds a year so it's absolutely not abnormal. You know your child too.

As a manager I’d appreciate my employee asking for a discussion and I’d suggest the following:

• stress that you think it’s short term as you understand young kids get sick a lot when they start nursery (if your manager has kids hopefully they’ll understand this!)
• That can offer to wfh as much as you can with your child at home ill. This might need to be a half day working over the course of the day / when your child is napping / making up in the evening / at the weekend and a half day as leave/unpaid leave. (Be honest about how much of your job you can actually do in this time).
• you would appreciate understanding if unpaid leave or emergency dependants leave is possible if you are unable to make up the hours

I feel for you. My younger son has a shit immune system and a sub 90% attendance rate. I have given up trying to work, it’s so cringey having to call in sick.