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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still buy gift without one bridesmaid

129 replies

EVWert · 23/07/2023 21:52

Hello,
There are 5 of us who are bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding.
We have been discussing ideas for upcoming hen do and things to buy as joint and 4 of us are really eager. However, one has not been replying to many messages.
I've tagged her to make sure she is seeing the messages, but she clearly sees them as the tick goes blue.
We need to buy gifts for the bride and she responded this morning saying that she hopes we don't mind but she's getting overwhelmed with all this gift chat and thoughts of spending.

Now I wouldn't mind this but she's got a high-paying job so I don't know why money would be an issue?
We want to present the gifts on the eve of the wedding but we're finding it a bit awkward now as if she's not getting involved we can't really present the gift as then it might make her feel awkward as she didn't put money towards it.

Literally, all it is is a necklace, earrings and bracelet and between the 5 of us it won't be much.

OP posts:
PinkFootstool · 23/07/2023 21:57

How much is "not much"? How much are you all expecting to spend on the jewellery? On the hen do? Wedding? Hotels, food, travel? Dresses, hair, make up?

It's none of your business whether she has 50p left per month after her bills or £2k. If she can't afford to spend on someone else's wedding, she can't afford it and that's that. Same if she just doesn't want to spend it.

noglow · 23/07/2023 21:57

She's told you it's too much for her. You have no idea of her finances. She might not think its justifiable. Why do you need to give her gifts on her hen do? And if you do can't you keep it small? The hen do and wedding alone will cost the bridesmaid money.

noglow · 23/07/2023 21:58

Now I wouldn't mind this but she's got a high-paying job so I don't know why money would be an issue? this has really made me angry sorry. Who are you to spend her money for her. She's not your personal bank manager.

Doidontimmm · 23/07/2023 21:59

How on earth do you know her full financial situation? Just because she has a high paying job doesn’t mean you know her outgoings?

Have you spent a lot on other things ie hen do?

I’ve never heard of bridesmaids buying the bride jewellery & giving the night before. Do you expect her to wear it on the day?

Tinkerbyebye · 23/07/2023 22:00

She may have a high paying job but you don’t know her financial situation do you so actually you are being nasty

just go back and confirm she is not joining in with the present, tell her that’s fine but you will be giving the gift to the bride from the 4 of you on the eve of the wedding, although why don’t you just do it as normal at the wedding?

LobsterCrab · 23/07/2023 22:02

This seems unusual to me. When I got married I got small gifts for my bridesmaids to say thank you, rather than the other way round?

Anyway, you are being a bit insensitive. She's told you that she's short of money so you should respect that.

Original poster
EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:02

Because we've been friends with the bride for years and the bride is giving us gifts as her bridesmaid? Maybe my family are different, but we've always bought gifts for the bride, I thought it was the norm? And buying as a group, makes it cheaper

OP posts:
Original poster
EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:03

And fair enough, she's doesn't want to get involved but we've been discussing this for weeks now yet didn't say earlier

OP posts:
noglow · 23/07/2023 22:03

Shes actually been very brave telling everyone. It can be quite difficult to opt out of these things. So you should be supportive of her

choppolata · 23/07/2023 22:04

You could try actually speaking to her...

noglow · 23/07/2023 22:04

EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:03

And fair enough, she's doesn't want to get involved but we've been discussing this for weeks now yet didn't say earlier

Probably because it can be hard to go against the grain of a group

Doidontimmm · 23/07/2023 22:06

I’ve never heard of buying gifts for the bride.

You are making it really awkward for her.

Original poster
EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:07

@Doidontimmm how? I'm not forcing her to buy it. I thought it was a nice idea and yes Itd be easier if she agreed as I wanted to give it as a group but I'll have to rethink

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 23/07/2023 22:08

We need to buy gifts for the bride and she responded this morning saying that she hopes we don't mind but she's getting overwhelmed with all this gift chat and thoughts of spending.

Now I wouldn't mind this but she's got a high-paying job so I don't know why money would be an issue?

She's being honest and brave enough to admit to you that she's got financial issues, but you're choosing not to believe her?! What a horrible attitude you have!

rookiemere · 23/07/2023 22:09

I have never heard of the bridesmaids buying the bride a gift - is this in top of the normal wedding gift you'd give as a guest ?

How much money were you asking for and how much is hen do plus associated costs? Are you having to pay for your own bridesmaids dresses?

ThePoshUns · 23/07/2023 22:11

I've not heard of the bridesmaids buying the brides a gift either. Your friend has been honest and said she can't afford it , leave her be. You sound quite bossy tbh

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 23/07/2023 22:11

EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:07

@Doidontimmm how? I'm not forcing her to buy it. I thought it was a nice idea and yes Itd be easier if she agreed as I wanted to give it as a group but I'll have to rethink

Well you might not bring forcing her but you admit that it will be awkward if she doesn’t join in with it so you sort of are.

it sounds like there are a lot of costs which are getting out of control and she’s panicking. How much is the gift?

caerdydd12 · 23/07/2023 22:13

Since when do bridesmaids buy a gift for the bride? Surely you buy a wedding gift/give money for the wedding couple as normal, and that's all that's needed?

ABugWife · 23/07/2023 22:13

Are you expecting the bride to wear the gift on the wedding day? Surely she will have planned her jewellery far in advance.

Weddings costs a lot of money for everyone involved, if she can't afford it she can't afford it.

noglow · 23/07/2023 22:14

Just get the bride a tacky costume and an inflatable penis

PinkFootstool · 23/07/2023 22:16

ABugWife · 23/07/2023 22:13

Are you expecting the bride to wear the gift on the wedding day? Surely she will have planned her jewellery far in advance.

Weddings costs a lot of money for everyone involved, if she can't afford it she can't afford it.

Definitely. I'd have been sad if I'd been given jewellery to wear which wasn't what I'd actually wanted tbh - I had planned it a long time before the day. Giving a gift that specific isn't a great idea unless the bride has asked for it.

Buy her a nice bottle of champagne to drink and nice food to snack on while you all get dressed instead.

mintbiscuit · 23/07/2023 22:18

Sorry OP but you are coming off as the dick in this scenario.

unless this is a reverse?

Original poster
EVWert · 23/07/2023 22:20

My family have always bought for the bride, it's the norm for us

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 23/07/2023 22:21

Well don’t push your family traditions on to others

Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 23/07/2023 22:22

Never heard of bridesmaids gifting something to the bride

Sounds like you are imposing your family's norms onto a whole set of people!

And please don't get her jewellery you expect her to wear on her wedding day-she would have given extensive thought to this already

And unless you know the financial comings and goings of this girl then you can't really comment on her job.

You say you aren't forcing her but you've started a thread moaning about it so she clearly feels strong armed into it all